A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 30

Nell

Nell woke up and yawned. She was warm and comfortable under the covers of her bed and, stretching her legs, she blinked herself awake.

A spilt second later, she remembered she was in her old teenage bedroom at her parents’ house, and her contentment was quickly replaced by queasiness.

‘Oh God,’ she groaned.

Olek had left her and wasn’t replying to her messages, she’d fallen out with the best friend she’d ever had, she’d run away from home and walked away from the job she’d loved. She was thirty-seven years old, and her life was a shambles.

She reached for her phone on the nightstand. It was five o’clock in the afternoon; she’d had a two-hour nap. Two hours! She despised herself for her laziness. What had happened to Nell the doer, full of energy and ideas and a new project on the go? She had probably spent more time asleep than awake since being here. Shutting the world out was the only respite she had from the car crash of her life.

Thank goodness for her parents, who had been a source of solace this last week.

When Nell had turned up unannounced, her dad had opened the door, taken one look at his daughter, muttered, ‘Good Lord’ and shouted for his wife to come running. Ten minutes later, she’d been ensconced between them in front of the fire, nursing one of her father’s legendary hot toddies and sobbing onto her mother’s shoulder.

‘Your face, your posture, your entire demeanour screamed total and utter defeat, Eleanor,’ her father had later told her, calling her by her full name as usual. ‘Something I’ve never seen from you in all your thirty-odd years.’ He could never remember her exact age, and the older she got, the more grateful she was for his poor memory.

Now, Nell snapped on her bedside lamp and checked her phone for messages. There was one from Max, but that was it.

Where are you, Olek?

Surely he would want to speak to her again soon? Her heart ached at the thought of him hurting, wherever he was. It had been more than a week since she’d found that note; they had never gone this long without talking. Even in the early days of dating, they’d quickly got into the habit of calling or texting each other multiple times a day. She’d let Olek know where she was on the night she arrived at her parents’ and had received a brief ‘OK’ in response, but nothing since. She missed him so much, but there were only so many times she could tell him that in a text or voice note.

And then there was Merry. Their WhatsApp chat had remained inactive since she’d sent Merry the voice note declaring herself done with their friendship. Nell had misgivings about that; she’d replayed her own vitriol-laden message over and over, and now felt ashamed of it. She would say sorry, but only once Merry had said it first. She was the one in the wrong, after all. But Merry hadn’t even been in touch to say sorry for her part in Olek’s departure, and her lack of response had hurt a lot.

Nell dropped her phone again, feeling morose and lonely, and tuned into the noises of the house instead. Her parents’ house had five bedrooms, so plenty of spare rooms to accommodate guests without having to encroach on Nell’s. It hadn’t been decorated since the nineties. Her mother had wanted to give it a fresh look, but despite not having lived with her parents for almost twenty years, Nell had begged them to keep it as it was so she could return to the simple days of her youth whenever she came home.

Downstairs, the front doorbell chimed.

This happened all day, every day. Sometimes deliveries of food, flowers or dresses for her mother to take on their upcoming Christmas cruise around the Caribbean. Or often friends dropped in for coffee, or a game of cards, a pre-dinner G and T, or supper. Nell had had no idea that her parents’ social life was so full. But for her, this regular occurrence sent her cortisol level sky high, because every time someone came to the door, Nell couldn’t help thinking that this time it would be Olek.

Now, at the sound of her father’s footsteps heading to open the door, she froze, her body tense, hoping that this time it would be him. She missed his voice, gruff and gentle at the same time, made totally unique by the subtle accent still evident years after leaving his native Poland. She missed the simple, happy life that they’d shared before they’d embarked on a quest to start a family. Her quest, she acknowledged sadly. She did want a baby, but not at any price; sometimes she wished she’d never caught the broodiness bug at all.

At the sound of her father’s formal, ‘thank you, goodbye,’ she sighed, her body sagging with disappointment; it was another delivery.

She picked her phone back up, remembering that she had a message from Max.

Hey Nell, I know you said Dad is busy, but it’s over a week now and I haven’t had a single message off him. Have I upset him? If I’ve done something, please tell me. It feels weird not talking to him. In case he’s interested, football training is going really well. Not long now until that final game at the Liverpool ground. I’ve still got him a ticket for that. I managed to get another one, so you can come too if you want. If neither of you can make it, it’s cool. Max

Tears pricked at her eyes. Poor kid. Right in the middle of a serious situation and he didn’t even know. She needed to tell him something, not the whole truth, but something. This was awful. For Olek not to contact his own son … or, rather, the boy who he’d always assumed was his son … She groaned. What a mess. She totally got why Olek was struggling to come to terms with the likelihood that he had never fathered a child, that Max wasn’t his, but still, it wasn’t Max’s fault. He shouldn’t be the one to bear the brunt of this fiasco.

She typed out a reply and pressed send.

Hey Max, please don’t worry about Dad, you haven’t done anything. I’m sorry he hasn’t been in touch. He and I have had a bit of a silly row and he’s gone away for a couple of days. Nothing serious. And as for your football match, THANK YOU! I’d love to come, and your dad wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’re a star x

She dried her eyes, made a screenshot of Max’s message and sent it to Olek.

Darling, I’m worried about you, and I’m worried about us. Max thinks he might have upset you and that feels wrong. He needs to know that you still care about him. And let’s talk soon, I miss you. X

She put her mobile down beside her on the bed. He’d read it, but if her other messages were anything to go by, he wouldn’t reply. But this time, to her surprise, after only a few seconds, the screen lit up with a response.

I’m still angry, Nell. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to do and I don’t even know what to say to you. I’ve been lied to by the people I trusted most and who I loved most. I need more time to work through all this stuff. Max should give the football tickets to someone else. I’m not sure I’m the right person anymore.

Nell had to read it twice to believe it and now there was a lump in her throat the size of a golf ball. One phrase stood out: ‘who I loved most’. He had used the past tense. Had his love for her really come to an end? She’d never known him this low before. He couldn’t be giving up on Max, surely? And there was no indication that he was missing her, no loving words, just anger.

Her first instinct was to dial his number and let it ring and ring until he couldn’t ignore her anymore. But no, that wouldn’t do, she couldn’t trust herself not to say something she might regret, she was far too emotional at the moment. Instead, she took a few moments to compose a reply.

I understand, and I’ll respect your wish to stay away for the time being. Tell me what I can do that would make things better between us. If there’s anything that will help, I’ll do it. I’m not giving up on us, Olek, I love you too much for that xxx

Three dots appeared beside his name, telling her that he was typing a reply. Her heart raced. This was the closest she’d got to having a conversation with him for days and days. She meant what she’d said, she really would do anything to get their lives back on track.

The only thing you can do for us is to give me more time. I’m sorry I can’t give you more than that.

She bit her lip, disappointed.

OK xx

He replied again.

But if you wouldn’t mind posting a couple of envelopes for me? They’re on my desk already sealed, just need stamps. Thanks

Ordinarily, she’d make a joke about being his secretary, but now she couldn’t even bring herself to do that. All he wanted from her was to post his letters; it was unbearably sad.

Sure. Although I’m still at Mum and Dad’s, so it won’t be for a few days.

OK, thanks. I assumed you’d be home by now for the funeral.

Nell’s blood ran cold.

What funeral?

Merry’s dad. Isn’t it today?

Ray was dead?

No, no, no … Oh my God. Nell buried her head in her hands. Time seemed to stand still as she processed this information. Her heart beating so rapidly that she could feel the blood whooshing in her ears.

I didn’t even know Ray had died!

She typed the message and then deleted it, too ashamed to admit to her husband that something so awful had happened to her best friend and she hadn’t even known about it.

Poor Merry, she’d be devastated, and with the baby due any time too – and oh, the shop! How on earth would Merry be coping with everything? She’d had so much on her plate and Nell had deserted her over some silly row and was lying in bed wallowing in self-pity.

Nell thought about the unopened messages from Merry on her phone and felt sick with guilt. How could she ever make up for being such a terrible person? Merry would never want anything to do with her again and Nell couldn’t blame her one bit.