A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 31

Merry

Before Merry knew it, Ray’s funeral at Wetherley crematorium was upon them. The week since her dad had died had passed by in a blur of tears and tiredness, appointments and arrangements. Merry was vaguely aware of a muted vibration in her handbag, signalling an incoming message. She ignored it, hoping that nobody else had heard it. She should have turned her phone off completely, but her number was the contact for deliveries to the shop and it was inexorably easier to accept the call than sort out a redelivery at a later date.

‘And now we say our final goodbyes to Ray as we listen to one of his favourite pieces of music.’ Barbara, the celebrant, bowed in respect in the direction of the coffin, stepped down from the podium and off to the side of the chapel.

From the speakers came the sound of Frank Sinatra singing ‘Fly Me To The Moon’ and Cole tightened his arm around Merry’s waist. Silently, the curtains glided on their rails across the front of the room, until her father’s coffin was no longer visible.

Goodbye, Dad. May you play among the stars.

She let out a long shuddering breath. It felt as if she’d been holding that breath ever since she’d climbed out of the funeral limousine an hour ago. Beside her, Emily was crying softly, her hand tightly in Will’s. Merry allowed her head to rest against Cole’s shoulder. She was so grateful for his presence, as steadfast and strong as ever. She couldn’t have wished for a more supportive partner since Ray had passed away. Cole had been her rock and although it was against her nature to lean on anyone, she’d found herself doing it easily recently.

‘OK?’ he murmured softly against her ear.

She nodded. ‘Thank you, darling.’

Merry didn’t know how Cole had managed it, but somehow, he’d persuaded the crematorium to open later this evening to accommodate them to hold the funeral as soon as possible. The nearest other date had been the twenty-eighth of December which was already circled in red in the calendar as Merry’s induction date. She was still nervous about that, but at least she knew that she’d only have one major life event to deal with when the time came.

The chapel was by no means full, but seeing the crowd of people who’d come to pay their respects to Ray had filled her with joy. Emily’s mum, Tina, and her husband, Ian, were here, staff from Springwood House, Ray’s old landlady, plus one or two others neither she nor Emily recognised. But the largest contingent was her own family, or, rather, the family she’d married into almost a year ago. Freya was still a bit young, but Harley was here, Fred and Astrid, Hester and Paul newly returned from their holiday and, of course, Emily, now her next of kin.

She felt a wave of love for this tight-knit unit of hers, the unexpected family which she now couldn’t imagine ever being without. The circle of life, she mused, as the baby shifted position, nudging her bladder dangerously.

We are born, we live, we pass away.

She had lost her father too soon, but at least they’d had a year together.

There was one couple absent whom Merry missed terribly. Only a couple of weeks ago, the idea of Nell and Olek not being here would have been unthinkable.

The funeral director appeared at the front of the chapel. She was dressed in a top hat and dress coat and extended her gloved hand towards the exit, while another member of her team opened the double doors leading to the remembrance gardens.

‘That’s the hardest part done.’ Cole hugged her gently as they and the rest of the family led the congregation outside. ‘You were amazing. You’re always amazing, but today I’m especially proud of you.’

She nodded her acknowledgement, words strangled in her throat.

This was the first funeral she’d ever been to for a family member; she hadn’t gone to her mother’s for some reason. Maybe she hadn’t been asked, or perhaps she had, and had declined. Sometimes she was grateful for the way her brain had blocked out painful memories; at other times it frustrated her that some of the important details of her life with her mum were gone forever.

‘He’d have loved that,’ Emily turned around to whisper to her, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. ‘Dad liked a good singalong.’

Merry smiled at her younger sister. ‘You did really well,’ she managed to say.

Emily had helped Cole with the organising, consulting Merry only on minor details, and the service had been a true celebration of his life. Barbara, who’d officiated at her and Cole’s wedding last December, had read a touching and funny eulogy, recounting the scary moment when Ray had interrupted the ceremony to hand Merry a gift. It had added a personal touch and had given everyone a giggle in the process.

It was pitch-black outside and everyone’s breath was visible in the cold night air. There was a covered walkway from the chapel to a clearing where floral tributes had been arranged for everyone to admire and read the messages, and Cole and Will left Merry and Emily at the head of the walkway, to receive words of condolence from people.

‘No word from Nell?’ Emily whispered, pulling up Merry’s collar and checking her scarf was blocking out draughts. ‘Sorry, I can’t help fussing over you.’

‘I’m fine, honestly. Nothing from Nell.’ Merry’s stomach flipped at the mention of her best friend’s name; she thought briefly of the buzz of her phone earlier. Could that have been her? Even if it was, it was a bit late now. Nell had chosen not to attend the funeral. It was her biggest sadness, to have fallen out with Nell so irretrievably that such an old friend felt she couldn’t be here for her on the most difficult of days. ‘She hasn’t even acknowledged Dad’s death.’

Emily frowned. ‘And she definitely knows?’

‘I’ve sent multiple messages, and Olek knows.’ A flicker of doubt passed through Merry’s head. If Olek had left her, there was a chance that he hadn’t told her. She brushed away the thought. Even if that was the case, Merry had told her everything in her voice note. Besides, Olek wouldn’t have left her for very long; those two were like swans: mates for life. They might have had a temporary blip, but they’d be back together by now.

Emily’s mum, Tina, and stepfather, Ian, were among the first to give them both hugs, although Ian didn’t linger once he’d done his duty.

‘It was a super tribute to him.’ Tina had always had a soft spot for her ex.

‘Emily did most of it,’ Merry told her.

‘Ian hasn’t got much to say,’ Tina whispered, once he was out of earshot. ‘Never had much time for him when he was alive. Now he’s passed on, even less. But we know, don’t we, girls?’

‘We do,’ Merry agreed, as Emily nodded and blew her nose.

‘He was one of a kind, but the Ray I knew was long gone,’ said Tina. ‘Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease, takes you from those you love piece by piece. And from yourself. We used to dance, him and me. Cheek to cheek, and he’d sing in my ear, all soft and quiet. I could forgive him anything when we danced together like that.’

Emily’s eyes grew misty with tears. ‘I remember. I used to love watching you dance.’

A fleeting image popped into Merry’s head. Her own mum and Ray dancing around their flat, sometimes lifting her up to join in. Mum’s girlish giggle, the contagious feeling of euphoria Merry had caught from her mother when Ray was around. He had been a special man, who had brought happiness to the people he loved.

‘He and I had our differences,’ Tina continued. ‘But we had good times too. Plenty of them. Cling on to the nice memories, girls, and your father will always be with you. In your hearts. And he’ll have loved getting to know you,’ she added to Merry. Which was very charitable of her, considering it wasn’t totally clear whether he’d been in love with Sam and Tina simultaneously.

Merry and Emily hugged her once again and she moved off to find Ian. Next in line were Fred and Astrid.

‘ Mein Liebling .’ Astrid kissed both of her cheeks. ‘I know today is hard for you. But your father was loved right until the end of his life. You gave him your time, you made him feel safe and part of your family.’

‘And that’s all anyone can ask of another,’ Fred added, pressing his cold cheek to Merry’s once Astrid had peeled herself away. ‘To feel important to someone else.’

‘Thank you.’ Merry looked from Astrid to Fred, feeling as if they were talking to each other and not to her and that this was part of a much wider conversation.

‘And you are important to me, mein Schatz ,’ Astrid murmured, linking her arm through Fred’s as they walked towards the floral tributes.

‘And I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth, darling,’ he replied. ‘Even Germany.’

Merry frowned. If there hadn’t been someone else approaching them, she’d tap Astrid’s shoulder and ask for the context of this conversation, but as it was, Emily had already extended her hand.

‘Thanks so much for coming,’ her sister said, greeting an elderly man. He had a long whiskery beard and a silver hoop through his nose.

‘Sad business,’ said the man, shaking his head. ‘My condolences to the both of you.’

He moved to Merry, and grasped her hand between his.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, ‘I’m afraid I didn’t meet many of Dad’s acquaintances.’

‘Dave Rutt,’ said the man. ‘Although when he knew me, most people knew me as Rutty. And I was in a rut, too. We both were. He and I met on the streets. We lost touch years ago. I’ve done all right since. Looks like he did too.’

‘We’re his daughters,’ said Emily. ‘Life wasn’t easy for him recently, but yes, I think he did OK.’

‘A couple of crackers,’ said Dave, with a wobble evident in his voice. ‘I bet he was very proud. Is your mum here? I’d love to know who he finally settled down with.’

Merry’s heart ached. She hoped that he’d been proud of her, but how much had he really taken in of her existence as his dementia took a greater and greater hold this year?

‘My mum is over there,’ Emily pointed out Tina to him.

‘And my mum passed away; we’re half-sisters,’ Merry explained.

‘So you knew our dad well?’ Emily asked. ‘In that case, I’m really sorry not to have met you before. When did you last see him?’

‘Bit embarrassing.’ He tugged his beard. ‘We fell out, years ago. I accused him of stealing money off me. He denied it. We lost touch after that. I later found out that the thief was someone else. I’ve had that hanging over me for years. Always regretted the way I treated him. Then I saw the notice in the newspaper with funeral details. I thought, now’s my chance to make amends. So here I am.’

‘We’re glad you came,’ said Merry, preparing for him to move off. There were still other people waiting to speak to the sisters and Merry was ready for a sit-down.

‘Funny, isn’t it. I didn’t make time to speak to my old friend. I put off apologising, too proud to admit my mistakes. Yet now he’s died, I made the time to pay my respects. Ridiculous really. We should make time for the living while we still can. Friendship is a gift. We could have had fun in our old age, Ray and me. And now he’s gone.’ He pulled a hanky from his pocket. ‘Sorry, girls.’

‘That’s all right.’ Merry rubbed his arm gently. ‘No need to apologise. We all do things we regret.’

The similarity between his story and her friendship with Nell was excruciating.

His eyes cleared and he looked at her curiously. ‘Who did you say your mum was?’

‘Her name was Sam Shaw.’

‘Bloody hell.’ Dave whistled under his breath. ‘Now there’s a name I haven’t heard for a long time.’

‘You knew her?’ Merry gasped.

‘Oh yeah. Stunning girl. There’s a look of her about you, now you mention it.’ He shook his head in disbelief. ‘Ray was madly in love with her, but I didn’t realise they’d had a kid together.’

‘Here I am, living proof,’ Merry could barely contain her excitement at meeting someone else who had known her mother. ‘Sadly, she’s no longer with us. She suffered from—’

‘Depression. I know. I heard she topped herself.’ Dave inhaled sharply. ‘Terrible business. I can’t understand how anyone could abandon their kid like that. Still, not everyone is cut out to be a parent, are they? And it looks like you turned out all right.’

Merry was so taken aback, she couldn’t speak.

‘Best of luck to you with that baby.’

‘How did he know?’ asked Emily innocently, as Dave walked off.

‘It’s a mystery,’ Merry replied.

Both of them looked down at Merry’s ginormous belly and smiled.

Merry groaned. ‘Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, that’s what he just said. What if I’m not?’

Emily pulled a face. ‘You can’t compare your situation with your mum’s. This baby was planned and very much wanted. Your mum was young, vulnerable and alone. Besides, why would you listen to a man you’ve just met? Trust your own instincts.’

‘Hmm.’ Merry watched as Dave climbed into a waiting taxi. If only her instincts had more self-belief. She gave herself a shake and pushed the thoughts from her mind. But while Emily greeted Ray’s previous landlady, she reflected on Dave’s words about friendship. And Nell. And how they’d allowed a silly argument to grow and fester rather than sort it out. She had made several attempts to contact Nell to check how she was and to let her know when the funeral was, and so far, Nell hadn’t responded. The ball was in Nell’s court and up until now, Merry had decided to leave it there. But what if she was wrong to have given up trying? After all, she loved Nell, and deep down, Nell probably still loved her too. At some point, they’d make up, they’d have to; The alternative was to be like Ray and Dave and leave it too late. She couldn’t allow that to happen. All it would take was one more message from Merry, to show Nell that she still cared.

She was going to do it; she’d send a few words to say how the funeral had gone and how much Nell was missed. She opened her bag, took out her phone and stared at the screen with joy. Because on it were the words she’d longed to see: missed call from Nell.

Thank heavens. Thank heavens for that.