A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 40

Merry

‘“I look at you and my heart wants to burst.” That’s what she said.’ Merry had read the letter twice and her tears were coming so thick and fast she could barely see.

These words were never going to leave her. She already knew that by the end of today she’d be able to recite the entire letter from memory.

Her mum had written to her. She had thought of her. Merry had been on her mind in her final hours.

The more she processed this fact, the more she was able to unpick her own thoughts, about herself, her lovability, her self-doubts about her place in the world and about their mother-daughter bond. She wasn’t quite sure why this letter held such power, such magic, but it did.

‘That’s so beautiful,’ said Nell, a wobbly smile on her own face. ‘I’m so happy for you.’

Nell moved seats so that she was next to Merry, who leaned into her friend, resting her head on Nell’s shoulder, both letters still on her lap.

‘She did love me. Nell, she did love me. Right up until the end. I thought she didn’t love me enough to stay alive for me. This changes everything. She was a good mum, wasn’t she?’

‘She was.’ Nell kissed the top of Merry’s head. ‘She was ill and didn’t get proper help, that’s all. It was never about whether she loved you or not.’

‘I’m so sad that she felt I’d be better off without her in my life. How could I possibly have had a happier life without my mum?’ Precious memories flashed in and out of her head of the good times the two of them had spent together: her mum reading to her in bed, dancing around their flat to ABBA, sipping hot chocolate on Christmas morning while she opened her presents. It was little things like these which filled her with joy, both then and now. She wished she could have told Sam that. ‘No parent is perfect, no human is perfect. Maybe if I hadn’t been away in foster care when she’d been so low that killing herself seemed the only option, maybe then she’d have felt responsible for me and she’d have stayed alive.’

Nell was quiet for a moment. ‘As tempting as it is to go over these scenarios, I think it’s better not to torture yourself with what might have been. It sounds like she had a rough time with her own mum, and didn’t receive love. Despite that, she knew how to love you, with every cell of her body, she says. And she passed on that ability to love to you.’

Merry nodded. ‘You’re right, I know. Let’s focus on the important things. Like my dad. She confirms that Ray is definitely my dad. That’s …’ She sighed happily. ‘Such good news. Emily and I never wanted to take any tests, we were just happy to have found each other. We decided to be sisters regardless of genetics. But now it’s really true, and Emily will be pleased. That’s a lovely thing to discover. And it means this baby will have a proper auntie on my side of the family.’

Nell laughed softly. ‘Does that mean I’m an improper auntie?’

‘Of course.’ Merry grinned. ‘Everyone needs an improper auntie in their lives.’

‘I’ll always be there.’ Nell squeezed Merry’s shoulders. ‘For this child of yours, and for you.’

‘I know. We’ve been idiots. I’ll be there for you too.’ She looked down at the letter again. ‘Oh, Mum, of course I love you, I have always remembered you with love. And there isn’t a day goes by when I don’t miss you.’

‘I think she’d be so happy to see the sort of life you’ve got. And very proud. She’d love Cole, she’d have boasted to everyone about Merry and Bright and how smart her daughter is.’

Merry made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. ‘I remember feeding frozen baby chicks to that hideous snake. I used to have dreams that it would escape from its tank and get me. And she was right about the big Christmas tree, I was very envious. We’d only ever had a tiny one in our flat. But I hadn’t met you then, I had no idea how posh Christmas decorations could be. The first time I saw your house at Christmas, I thought I was visiting the royal family.’

Nell cringed. ‘I blame the TV documentary Mum watched once about Chatsworth House, she modelled herself on the Duchess from then on. And our annual photo shoot in front of the Christmas tree, in Christmas jumpers, remember those? Always when I had a big spot on my chin.’

‘I do.’ Merry looked at her friend fondly. ‘I’m so glad that it’s you here with me right now. No one else would understand how much finding this letter means to me. You’ve always been there. For all the big things in my life.’

‘I’m honoured to be here, and this really is big. When we were at college together and you used to talk about your home life, I used to feel so guilty for moaning about my parents when you didn’t have any. You were always so cheerful and brave, I was in awe of you.’

Merry raised her eyebrows. ‘Of me? I was the one in awe of you, so confident and outgoing and sure of your place in the world.’

Nell snorted. ‘You’ve got me all wrong. Remember that first day when we met in the cafeteria?’

‘You bought far too much food and wanted me to share it?’ Merry laughed.

‘And you would only agree if I shared your banana.’

Merry shrugged. ‘I hated any sort of charity; it made me feel inferior.’

Nell pulled a face. ‘You could never be inferior. I’ll let you into a secret: I only bought all that food as an excuse to come and talk to you.’

‘What? Really?’

‘Really.’ Nell bit her lip, sheepishly. ‘I had a bit of a girl crush on you; it was the only way I could think of to get to know you. I even agreed to eat a slice of your banana and I hated bananas with a passion.’

Merry gasped. ‘No way! You hid it well.’

‘I was happy that my plan had worked, eating one slice of banana was a small price to pay.’

‘You are funny.’ Merry regarded her for a long moment. ‘It’s been really tough for you watching my pregnancy develop, hasn’t it?’

‘The toughest thing ever,’ Nell admitted. ‘I was so happy for you but couldn’t help thinking it was unfair that it wasn’t happening for me too. Especially as you got pregnant as soon as you started trying. And I’d been secretly trying for ages. Don’t tell Olek.’

Merry felt a pang of sadness that Nell hadn’t told her any of this before. But they were here now, and if Nell wanted her to keep secrets, it was the least she could do. ‘I’m so sorry about that. I kept on …’ She hesitated, not knowing whether what she was about to say would make things better or worse for Nell. ‘Nothing, it doesn’t matter.’

‘No, go on, because it obviously does matter,’ Nell urged her. ‘Today’s the day we start being honest with each other again, get it all out in the open.’

‘I kept wishing that you’d get pregnant too, so that we could both be going through the same thing.’

Nell sighed wistfully. ‘One of the hardest things has been hearing you not being happy to be pregnant. Sometimes I’ve felt you’ve been a bit …’

‘Go on. Honesty, remember?’ Merry had a feeling she knew where this was going and already she felt the shame creeping in.

‘OK, I’ll say it.’ Nell turned to face her properly. ‘I have sometimes got the impression that you felt resentful towards Cole and even sometimes towards the baby.’

Merry thought carefully before speaking. She wanted to finally tell someone her fears, though she was scared that once she verbalised them, she could never take them back. But this was her chance to come clean, to tell the person she trusted implicitly.

‘It came across as resentment, but, really, it was fear. I’ve been too scared to think about being a mum. What happens when the hospital says that I can go, leave the sanctuary of the ward with the experts at hand to tell me what to do? I’d been worried that if my mum hadn’t loved me, then maybe I wouldn’t love this baby either, that history would repeat itself. I started thinking that I was a terrible woman who didn’t possess any maternal instincts. And the awful thing was I couldn’t tell you because I knew how much you wanted to be a mum. I couldn’t tell Cole because he’d probably freak out and wonder what sort of woman he’d married. So I let it fester.’

‘Oh, darling.’ Nell held out her arms and Merry sank into them. I wish I’d known. I wish I could have helped.’

Merry let out more tears. Ones which she’d been holding on to for months and months. Acknowledging her worst fears about herself had kept her from fully connecting with the baby she was carrying, and yet now she had, she felt a lightness in her chest, a feeling of joy that she’d been missing.

‘You know what, Merry?’

She sat up straight and accepted a tissue to dry her eyes. ‘What?’

‘I think your mum’s letter has found you at exactly the right time. It means more to you reading it now, when you’re on the cusp of motherhood, than it ever would have done in the past.’

Merry nodded. ‘Thank you, that is a brilliant thought. It’s the confidence boost I need.’

‘If she was here in person, that’s exactly what she’d be doing: building you up and telling you that you’ll be a fantastic mum.’

‘She didn’t have a good role model to learn her parenting skills from, but actually I did. So I’m the lucky one.’ Merry winced. ‘And talking about being lucky, I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was to have you at Merry and Bright until it was too late.’

Nell’s eyes glittered with tears. ‘I was the lucky one. I loved working with you – well, until …’

‘Until I turned into a Momzilla, as Freya called me?’ Merry finished for her.

Nell sniggered. ‘Possibly a bit.’

‘Is it too late?’ Merry held her breath. ‘Because I’d really love you to come back.’

‘Um.’ Nell touched her finger to her lips and waggled her head from side to side, considering her offer. ‘I’ve had another thought. Woody. He’s between jobs at the moment, and he’s been a real star at Merry and Bright.’

Merry’s spirits sank; so she had left it too late. ‘True. Yes, of course, he’d be a good replacement.’

‘Not a replacement for me!’ Nell gave a hoot of laughter. ‘Maternity cover for you . The business needs two people, and before you jump down my throat and tell me that you’ll be bringing the baby in with you and that maternity leave is for wimps—’

‘So just back up a bit,’ Merry held up a hand. ‘Does this mean you’re coming back?’

‘Yes please.’ Nell gave her a sheepish smile. ‘I regret resigning. I acted impulsively and would really love to come back.’

‘Thank God.’ Merry groaned. ‘Because I don’t want to do this without you.’

‘And Woody?’

‘I’ve been a bit blinkered where maternity leave is concerned, worried what would happen in my absence. But when you left, and Dad died, I had no choice but to step away, and surprise, surprise, Woody has coped just fine without either of us.’

Nell grinned. ‘Hallelujah! She’s seen the light.’

Merry laughed. ‘And more than that, I think I owe it to the baby and to myself to focus on being a mum when this little one finally arrives. So, if it’s all right with you, I’ll definitely be taking some time off.’

‘Phew.’ Nell flopped back on the sofa, pretending to faint, making Merry laugh again. ‘Let’s try to find some signal and call him before you change your mind.’

‘OK, as long as we don’t have to go out there,’ said Merry, glancing outside at the gardens through the window. The snow hadn’t let up and everything as far as the eye could see was covered in a white layer.

‘Agreed, it doesn’t look very pregnancy friendly.’

‘I don’t even fancy crossing the car park when we leave.’

‘I’ve got an idea.’ Nell’s eyes narrowed mischievously.

Merry shook her head fondly. ‘When haven’t you? Can I just say that us being friends again was my Christmas wish.’ She took hold of Nell’s hand. ‘So I’ve already got all I wanted and it’s only Christmas Eve Eve. Thank you for making it come true.’

Nell wrapped her arms around her. ‘Friends forever?’

‘You bet.’ Merry closed her eyes and savoured the moment. Husbands were great, but there was simply nothing like a hug from your best friend.