A Mountain Springs Christmas

Chapter 12

twelve

NICK

“Okay,” Nick said as he swiveled around in his office chair and reached for another box. “It sounds like the timeline after the break for the next release is doable.” This was his last meeting of the day, on the last day he had to work before he got a full week off for Christmas and New Year’s. Maybe with the time off, he’d be able to finally get the last box unpacked.

He had to admit, life was pretty great. He and Holly were settled in their own place again and he was working in his new office. It was good to have an actual space for work. He’d worked at the company office full-time before relocating to Mountain Springs, so transitioning to the folding table in the cramped guest room of his in-laws’ home had been tough. But it made him appreciate his new space even more.

Plus, Rachel was in his life. And Aiden was such a cool kid. Holly had her last day of school before the break two days ago, so she was spending the day with his in-laws to help them get ready for the annual Ugly Christmas Sweater party they put on every year. He would get Rachel and Aiden and head over as soon as he was off work.

“Who do we have lined up from the UX team to do the design and layout for it?” he asked as he sliced through the tape holding a box closed. He didn’t have to be on camera for this meeting. He didn’t even have to be at his computer for it. So he had been wearing his wireless headphones and mic so he could move around while unpacking and organizing his office.

It had been quite a few weeks since he’d packed most of these boxes, and he hadn’t thought to label them any more specifically than which room they belonged in. So the contents of each had been a surprise.

“I think it’s Andrus.”

“Okay, that’ll be good. And Mary is confident that we can implement the new features with the current system?”

He pulled out a couple of file folders that hadn’t made it into the box with the others that he’d already unpacked as Doug told him about which features the client wanted that would work out just fine and the one that they were still concerned about.

Then he reached in to grab an upside-down wooden box, turned it over, and his breath caught in his throat. It was a shadow box that Clara had made for him right after they’d gotten home from a vacation to the beach—the last vacation they’d taken. A photo was affixed right in the center of the three of them. Clara had her arms around his middle, and he had one arm over her shoulders and held a four-year-old Holly with his other arm. All three of them were grinning.

The rest of the display piece had memorabilia from the nearby museums they’d gone to, shells and colored glass they’d found on the beach, and smaller pictures of the sandcastle they’d built and of the three of them sitting at the edge of the beach where the waves came in, covering their legs. He remembered that vacation like it had just happened. They’d written messages in the sand, watched the sunset, ate lunch right on the beach, and daydreamed for hours.

All the memories came crashing in, just like the waves had, one right after another, and each came with a stab of missing Clara.

“Nick? You still there?”

Nick cleared his throat, trying to also clear out the emotion he was sure would come through loud and clear. “Can we finish discussing this after the break? I’m sorry—I’ve got to go.”

He ended the call, pulled off his headphones, and stared down at the picture, not even realizing that he had started crying until he felt the tears on his cheeks. Most of the time, he felt like he’d worked through his grief and was doing well. Sometimes he just missed Clara so much it hurt.

And sometimes, like right now, it felt like a wave had come in that was so large it completely submerged him in the ocean water, threatening to pull him out to sea. He ran a hand over his eyes blurred too much to see the picture of the three of them, looking so happy and so oblivious about what their near future held.

From nearly fourteen months of experience, he knew that it didn’t work to just push the emotions away when they hit—they were attached to a rubber band and they’d just come back fast and hit so much harder. So he let himself feel the grief of missing someone that he’d loved so much. He let himself cry. He let himself take in that emptiness inside as everything around it felt big and heavy and crushing.

When the tears finally slowed and his ragged breathing turned smooth yet shallow, his neck muscles still tensed from all the emotion they’d been attempting to hold, he started to wonder what in the world he was doing. Clara held so much of his heart. How could he have a relationship with Rachel when he couldn’t give her his full heart? It didn’t seem fair to her at all.

And how could he have a relationship with a woman whose cancer could relapse? What if he ever had to go through this again?

He tried to smile at Clara in the picture, but his lips immediately fell again. He sniffed and pressed the heel of his hand over one of his eyes. Then he whispered, “I don’t know how to do this, Clara. I know you want me to find someone new and love again, but I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Nick walked up the sidewalk to his in-laws’ house with Rachel and Aiden. Holly must’ve been watching out for them because she opened the door before they even reached it. Welcome,” she said, throwing one arm wide, clearly pleased by all the party preparations she’d helped with.

Nick had texted Rachel and then his mother-in-law to let them know that he would be a little late, then he’d jumped in the shower and let the warm water wash away the tears and relax the sore muscles in his neck and shoulders. By the time he’d stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist, he’d felt so much better. Not one hundred percent—that would take another day or so—but better enough to go to the Christmas party.

“Hey, HollyBear. How was your day?”

“ So great. Take your coats off and come see!”

As they all took off their coats, he smiled at Rachel’s ugly sweater. It was striped, but with a beach scene complete with palm trees and a flamingo, and she’d added little Christmas lights to the trees and around the neck that lit up, fading from one color to the next. He smiled. “They are going to love your sweater.”

She grinned. “Thanks! Yours is…” she moved her head around like she was either trying to take it all in or find words to say, “one of the most fascinating things I’ve ever seen.”

He chuckled and took a little bow. A friend from work had sent him the link just after Christmas last year and he’d bought it then, but this was his first time wearing it. It was also striped and looked like someone had tried to shove as many Christmas items on it as possible. A felt gingerbread man, embroidered snowflakes, a string of lights made from shiny colored fabric, tinsel was wrapped around the arms, puffy snow covered the bottom, and a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer flew across the sky. It was the most awful thing he’d ever seen and instantly knew it would be a hit.

“Mine, too?” Aiden said, puffing out his chest. His was a green sweater he’d decorated like a tree with ribbon and pompoms.

“Yours, too,” Nick said. “They will all love it.”

“I made it myself. Well, my mom did the glue gun part. But it’s just like the costume me and my uncle Jack made for Bailey for the pet costume parade last year.”

“Everyone loves mine,” Holly said. She was growing out of everything so fast that he’d had to get her a new sweater this year. They’d been searching online stores together, and Holly had nearly died of happiness when they’d found a pink one with a decorated tree on it, tipped over, with a dog that looked remarkably like Rosy sitting on top of the tree.

Aiden ran ahead with Holly toward the party where, hopefully, she would introduce him to the other kids. He never wanted to squash any of his daughter’s competitiveness, but he did talk to her about being nice and showing Aiden around.

“Come on,” he said, putting his hand at the small of Rachel’s back. “Let me introduce you to everyone.”

They walked through the opening that led to his in-laws’ kitchen, dining area, and family room which was fully decked out for Christmas. They’d clearly been baking all day because the place smelled of cinnamon, baked goods, and some kind of savory something that made his stomach growl.

Since they’d arrived a bit late, the place was already filled with people—most were Clara’s relatives—standing and chatting, holding little plates of appetizers.

When Tanner spotted them walking into the room, he walked toward him as he called out, “May all your sweaters be ugly and bright! Hey, like yours!” He chuckled and slapped Nick on the back. “Hi, Nick. Good to see you.”

“You, too.” Nick turned to Rachel. “That’s Tanner. He’s a cousin.”

Then his uncle Roger shouted, “‘Tis the season for leftovers and stretchy pants!”

Nick rubbed the back of his neck. “That’s… kind of a thing at this party—the random Christmas clichés turned on their sides.”

He’d barely finished the sentence when Uncle Ken said loudly, “May your merry be large and your bills be small.”

He led Rachel straight over to Ben and Linda for introductions, since they’d been dying to meet her. Just like he’d guessed, they were very welcoming to Rachel. His father-in-law started telling her about how he’d gotten a company to install permanent Christmas lights on his home that could stay there year round and that he could change the colors to match the holiday with his phone, right when Aunt Beverly leaned into his other side and whispered, “Is it appropriate to bring someone new here ? At a get-together with Clara’s family?”

He winced.

“Yes, it is,” Linda said in her firm voice that always sounded like a decision was final. “This is exactly where it’s appropriate to bring her.”

Uncle Ken was at Aunt Beverly’s other side and said, “Don’t get your tinsel in a twist, honey.”

Linda gave Nick a reassuring smile and he glanced at Rachel, hoping she didn’t hear the exchange.

As they walked away from his in-laws, Rachel said, “They’re so nice!”

They were. He was relieved that she’d only been hearing what Ben and Linda were saying and not what Aunt Beverly said.

The noise level in the room seemed to rise just then, and Grandpa Hudson said in a loud voice, “Whoever wrote ‘All is calm, all is bright,’ clearly hasn’t been here.”

Nick, along with everyone else in the room, held up their drink or their plate of appetizers if they didn’t have a drink, and shouted, “Ayy!” Then he turned to Rachel. “We do this every time grandpa quotes any lines from Silent Night . It’s… kind of like a drinking game, I guess.” He remembered the first time he was introduced to this group—Rachel probably thought they were as weird and eccentric as he had. She just chuckled, though.

“Who is this?” Uncle Pete said as he walked up to Rachel and Nick.

“This is Rachel Meadows, the woman I’ve been dating. Rachel, this is Uncle Pete.”

Uncle Pete pulled his head back a little. “Oh. I didn’t think you’d be starting to date again already.” Then, in a hesitant voice that conveyed how much he didn’t mean what he said, he added, “Good job.”

“I wasn’t sure I would be, either.” Nick smiled at Rachel as he slipped an arm around her waist. “Life surprises you sometimes.” He hoped that Uncle Pete would get the hint not to push it any further and he hoped that Rachel would get the message that he was there for her regardless of anything anyone said.

Ken called out, “Santa Claus has the right idea to only see people once a year,” and everyone laughed.

They had barely turned away from Uncle Pete when Tanner’s wife, Tiff, put her hand on Nick’s arm, giving him a face full of pity. “How are you, Nick?”

“I’m good. Tiff, this is Rachel, Rachel, Tiff.”

Tiff smiled at Rachel and then turned back to Nick. “I’m glad you’re doing well. Oh, I just miss Clara so much! I was telling Tanner that if he died young, I don’t think I’d ever be ready to date again.”

“It’s definitely tough, but I bet you’d get there if you were ever faced with that situation.” What was he thinking, bringing Rachel to a family event put on by Clara’s parents, where so many of Clara’s relatives would be present, when he and Rachel had only been together for a short time?

He was probably thinking everyone would be like Clara’s parents—super supportive of him dating again. He hadn’t been prepared for this. He was especially ill-prepared after the emotionally draining afternoon he’d had.

They made the rounds to almost everyone in the group, and it was probably getting close to the games starting when a group of kids ran by Grandpa Harold, who was now leaning back in an armchair with his eyes closed. “I’m not ‘sleeping in heavenly peace’ here.”

“Ayy,” everyone called out as they held up whatever was in their hands. Rachel did this time, too.

Aiden came to stop in front of Rachel, so she crouched down to his height as he said, “There’s someone whose sweater is like a fireplace, when they put their arms out straight like this, stockings are hanging down from it! Also, can you believe Christmas is in two days ? And guess what? I told Holly’s grandma that hanai means family that’s kind of related but not really. Then I asked, and she said I could be her hanai, but Holly said it was only okay if Noelle’s mom could also be her hanai. Do you think Grandma Allred would be okay with that?”

Rachel glanced at Nick before meeting Aiden’s eyes again. “I bet she would.”

Nick hadn’t had time to process all that before his elderly Aunt Virginia pulled him toward her and patted his arm. “Are you sure you’re ready to start dating again, dear?”

He took a deep breath.

“Because, you know, grief can come along and strike you at any moment.”

Yep. He knew that all too well. It hit him earlier today and was hitting him pretty hard right now.

“Everyone encouraged me to start dating again a few years after Frank died,” Aunt Virginia said. “So eventually, I said “Fine!” and I went on a date with a nice gentleman. The whole time I felt like I was cheating on Frank, and I kept looking around the restaurant like I was going to get caught for stepping out on him. There was just so much guilt. So I said ‘I’m done.’ It just wasn’t worth it. I decided that I’m going to be true to my Frank always. To death, just like I said in my vows.”

If that wasn’t a truckload of guilt being dumped on him, he didn’t know what was. He glanced over at Rachel, who was talking with Uncle Ken. He hoped she was faring better than he was.

Aunt Virginia patted his arm again. “When Clara married you and you two chose to have a child, she was choosing you to be Holly’s dad. She didn’t choose someone else to be Holly’s mom. How would you even know if she approved of this person? Because if you find someone new, she’ll be Holly’s mom.”

Knowing Aunt Virginia, she wasn’t intentionally trying to be hurtful; he knew that, but all her words were like swords nonetheless. He took a steadying breath and said, “Clara would trust me to find the perfect person. And she would approve of Rachel.”

“Hello, Virginia,” his father-in-law said. “I apologize for interrupting, but can I steal Nick away from you? I need his help.”

Aunt Virginia patted his arm one last time and then turned away to talk to someone else. Nick let out a long, slow breath before turning to Ben. “What did you need help with?”

“Nothing. It just looked like that wasn’t the most pleasant of conversations for you, and I know Virginia will talk your ear off if given the chance.”

He clapped his father-in-law on the back. “You’re a good man, Ben. Thank you.” He was truly grateful. He wasn’t sure he could’ve taken many more stabs from Aunt Virginia.

Ben smiled, and then said, “Now go be with your date.”

When Nick reached Rachel, he was met with a smile that faded just a bit when she took in whatever was on his face. “Are you okay?” she asked.

He said “Yes,” but she was still looking at him like she could tell that something was wrong. He ran his hands over his face to try to wipe away all of it. “I’ll be fine.”

And he would be. After such an emotional afternoon, his nerves were just frayed because everyone was saying out loud all the fears he’d been trying to hold inside.