A Mountain Springs Christmas

Chapter 16

sixteen

NICK

Nick had been spending Christmas Day trying to make it happy for Holly, especially during the morning hours when they were supposed to go to Rachel’s for cinnamon rolls. It had occupied him enough, apparently, that he’d completely forgotten that his in-laws were coming over until the doorbell rang.

He answered the door, still wearing his Christmas pajama pants and a t-shirt. As soon as it was open, Rosy raced to the door, and Linda said, “Well, hello, lassie-dog! I am happy to see you, too!” Then she looked up from where she was crouched giving Rosie a neck rub, to see Nick’s face. Whatever she saw there made her ask, “What’s wrong? Is Holly okay?”

Holly appeared around the corner just then, looking all chipper and running toward them, saying, “Grandma! Grandpa!” and Linda breathed a sigh of relief.

After she hugged her granddaughter, she stood up straight and turned her attention to Nick. She only studied him for a moment and didn’t even ask any questions before she said, “Oh, Nick. I’m so sorry.”

Did his expression make it that obvious?

“Goodness, I forgot that I wanted to bring over that treat we got for Nick. How about Holly and I walk back to the house to get it.”

Ben’s brow furrowed. “Why don’t you just give it to him when they come to our house for Christmas dinner in a bit?”

“Dear, I think we need it now.” She said, putting extra emphasis on each word.

“Okay. Want me to walk back with you?”

“No, you two stay here.” Ben still looked confused, so she added in a whisper that was nearly loud enough for Holly to hear, “Nick and Rachel’s relationship took a hit and he needs you to talk to him.”

Ben’s eyes immediately flew to Nick. “I’m sorry to hear that, son.” Then he turned back to his wife. “When did he tell you?”

“Oh, Ben , just go talk to him. Grab your coat, Holly—we’re about to go on a Christmas wonderland walk!”

As soon as they were both out the door with a very excited Rosy following along, Nick and Ben headed back to his kitchen, family room, and dining area. Nick leaned against the granite countertop of his island and his father-in-law leaned against the table. They both just stood there for a moment, arms crossed, feeling awkward, looking at one another.

“So you two ended things?”

Nick nodded. “Last night.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing that should’ve happened.”

“Things didn’t go so well with the woman I dated after my first wife died, either. You’re new at this dating-after-having-been-married thing. You don’t just automatically know what you’re doing, and you’re bound to make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Well, I definitely made mistakes. But it was more than that.” He tried to think about the events of the night before and look at them as a whole so he could figure out what went wrong. After a long moment where Ben just stayed patiently quiet, Nick said, “I think I was scared.” He swallowed. “Maybe I still am.”

That was so hard to admit, especially to his father-in-law, and it made heat rise to the back of his neck.

But Ben just nodded, like he understood and wasn’t judging. So Nick just stayed silent and willed himself not to feel ashamed of the emotion.

“Let’s talk about what you are afraid of.”

“My dad was in the military, Ben. We didn’t grow up talking about things we were afraid of—we just talked about being brave.”

“All right, then,” Ben said. “Be brave and tell me what you’re afraid of.”

Nick shook his head and let out a breath of a chuckle. Then he ran his hand through his hair as he tried to think about what it was, exactly, that he feared.

“I guess I’m afraid of not knowing how to do this. To love someone new. And I’m scared that loving Rachel will…” He wasn’t quite sure how to word what he was feeling. “I don’t know—diminish what I had with Clara, I guess. Or that I won’t be able to give my whole heart to Rachel, and she deserves my all.”

His father-in-law stayed quiet for a few moments before he said, “When you love someone, you don’t give a piece of your heart to them, a piece to the next person, a piece to the next. You don’t have to get the pieces back to give all of it to someone—Rachel and Clara don’t have to share your heart. You can love Rachel with your entire heart just like you loved Clara with your entire heart.”

Could he?

“I mean, think about when Holly was born. Loving her didn’t make you love Clara any less, did it?”

Nick shook his head. “It made me love her even more.”

“So why would loving Rachel be any different?”

He hadn’t thought about it like that. Could he honor his late wife’s memory and still give his entire heart to Rachel?

“Or loving Aiden? Because loving Rachel and wanting a life with her would mean gaining a son and loving him as much as you love your daughter.”

Nick nodded as he thought through everything. Before that moment when he’d let fear take hold, he’d felt like he was giving his whole heart to Rachel. It hadn’t felt weird or wrong or impossible—it had felt right. Loving Aiden had felt right, too.

But there was something else that had worried him just under the surface for a while now. “Rachel went through cancer treatments recently. Her scan showed no cancer six months ago…”

“But you know she’s not in the clear until she’s had five years of clean scans.”

Nick nodded.

“And you don’t know if you can face the possibility of losing another woman you love.”

Nick nodded again, not trusting his voice.

“Does Rachel seem very worried about relapsing?”

“I don’t think so.”

“That’s a good sign.” Ben was quiet for a long moment before he said, “Here’s the thing about life. How long we’ve got here is an unknown. Someone who’s terribly sick can recover and live a long life. And someone who seems healthy in every way—like Clara did—can leave at much too young of an age. It’s a risk you take anytime you give your heart to someone.”

Could he handle that risk?

“If you knew clear back when you’d first found yourself falling in love with Clara that she would pass away so young, would you have given up having that relationship with her?”

Their entire relationship seemed to fill Nick’s mind. Their dating, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, having Holly, buying their first house, job changes, all the time falling more and more in love. It gave him physical pain just trying to imagine that none of that happened. “No. There’s no way I would give that up.”

“I didn’t think so,” Ben said. “Here’s another big question for you. Do you think Clara would have an issue with you loving Rachel?”

“No.” He was sure of that. Last night, he’d “video chatted” with Clara, and then basically hung up on her after telling her his woes. It wasn’t until this morning before he thought about what Clara might think of all of this if she’d been able to talk to him. And the overwhelming feeling he got was that he had her blessing and that she was happy he and Holly wouldn’t be alone. He’d almost felt the breath of relief from Clara that he and Holly were loved and had someone to love.

“That’s one thing my little girl always had—the ability to want for others even things she couldn’t have for herself.” He nodded. “I think she’d be proud of you.”

Nick swallowed hard and blinked a few times to clear away the emotion that swelled up.

“And I think she’d want you to fight for Rachel.”