A Mountain Springs Christmas

Chapter 17

seventeen

RACHEL

Rachel pulled out her phone and sent a message in the group text with Courtney and Lucy.

Rachel: I said yes to something really bad.

Courtney: Oh, no. Spill.

Rachel: I ended things with Nick.

Lucy: Rachel! I wish I was there instead of being in stupid Nebraska with family so I could hug you!

Lucy: Just kidding— Nebraska isn’t stupid and seeing family is great. But I wish I could be there! Why? Why would you end it?

Courtney: I think we need an emergency meeting via video call. Are you both free?

Rachel looked over to where Aiden and Bailey were wrestling on the floor and knew that they would keep each other occupied for a good ten or fifteen minutes, so she texted back Yes . Less than a minute later, she saw two of her best friends’ faces on the phone. So she gave them a recap of everything.

“Did this all happen because of the Season of Yes?” Lucy asked.

Rachel shrugged. “I’ll admit, that has been really hard.”

“Why?” Lucy asked.

“I think just because I like having a schedule.”

“But why do you? Courtney pressed. “Why does it matter so much to you?”

Rachel looked up, trying to think about why it was hard for her to not have one. “I don’t know. I think because it’s scary to not have one. Like if I don’t, then everything will fall apart. A schedule was how I kept everything steady and consistent for me and Jack when we were kids living in an unpredictable environment. And then, as a mom, I know that it takes a good schedule and a lot of consistency if I want Aiden to thrive.”

“Okay,” Courtney said, “let’s play a game of Worst Case Scenario. Let’s say your schedule gets unpredictable for a bit. What would happen?”

“More frequent meltdowns, for one.”

“For you or Aiden?” Lucy asked.

Rachel laughed. “I was thinking Aiden, but now that you mention it…”

“And do you think you would keep it so inconsistent over time?” Courtney said. “Is that in your personality?”

Rachel thought back to the months she went through cancer treatment. Her schedule was as inconsistent as it had ever been then. And it was super hard on Aiden. But as soon as she got feeling better again, she was quick to get things back to that steadiness that she always craved. It wasn’t just for him—she needed it, too. “No. It would only be short term.” Just saying the words gave her a lot of comfort.

“Yes,” Courtney said, “a new relationship can throw a monkey wrench in your schedule, but that won’t be forever. And you and Aiden will bounce right back.”

She nodded, completely believing Courtney’s words.

“Yep,” Lucy said. “Everything is not going to fall apart. When Courtney and I suggested that you read that book and then we both decided to make the Season of Yes bet with you, what we had in mind was you saying yes to things outside of your comfort zone. You are the most self-sacrificing person we know and you don’t look out for your own needs. Ever.”

“It’s true,” Courtney said. “Everything you do is in service of being a single mom. Never for you, as a woman. We thought that by you saying yes to everything, you might try some things that you’d end up liking. For you.”

Lucy shook her head. “But it sounds like it backfired and just filled your plate too full.”

Maybe that was exactly how it had gone. Thinking back, she had said yes to things she ended up liking. Nick was one of them. But her plate had definitely felt too full.

“My grandma Walker is staying here at my parents’ house, too,” Lucy said, “and I was talking to her yesterday. She said that after so many years of celebrating Christmas, one year she decided that it was all too much. So she sat down and decided what was most important to her to celebrate at Christmastime and pared everything way back. She said that she discovered that simple really was best. That all that mattered was the people you spent it with.”

“Ooo, that’s good,” Courtney said. “Christmas doesn’t have to be big to be special. Maybe you should take the day and kind of reevaluate what it is that’s most important. You know, figure out what you want.”

Maybe that was a really good idea. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll do it.”

She ended the video call, and then said, “Aiden, I need to work on my planner for a bit. Do you want to use your new paper and markers at the table with me while I do?” Since that was his favorite activity ever, she was able to sit down with him and really think.

She realized that over the years, she’d done every Christmassy thing with Aiden that came up because she grew up missing the entirety of every Christmas and didn’t want Aiden to miss out on anything. So she let herself think about each thing they did and how much joy she thought it brought. She only put it on the list for next year if it truly felt integral to feeling the Christmas spirit. Then she asked Aiden what his two most favorite things to do at Christmastime were.

He said, “Making snowflakes, and…” He tapped the end of his marker against his lips. “I don’t know. It’s a toss-up between the hay ride and Christmas Eve.”

Those were things that had landed on her list, too. She put stars by them to make sure they happened next year, but she was going to work hard to not feel like she had to do anything beyond that next Christmas unless they wanted to. She was going to spend it enjoying the people she loved.

She glanced at the window that showed her small backyard and noticed a few flakes of snow falling as the sun was setting. Last night didn’t only happen because of her full schedule, though. She thought about what Courtney and Lucy said about wanting her to say yes to things so she’d find out what she really liked.

So she turned to a blank page in her planner and started writing down all the things she liked about Nick.

I love that he’s a good dad.

I love that he loves Christmas.

I love that he makes everything fun.

I love how much he shows that he appreciates me.

I love the way he looks at me when he’s listening to me talk about anything.

I love the way he makes me feel.

I love how he’s willing to take on projects he’s never done before and just assumes he can do it.

I love the color of his eyes. The way his hair has the perfect amount of curl. The way he looks in a t-shirt. Actually, the way he looks in everything.

I love his problem-solving, creative, thoughtful mind.

I love how much he loves his daughter.

I love how he talks about Clara with such respect and that their relationship was so great that her parents would still claim him as their son. I love that it gives me confidence that he’ll always treat me with respect, too.

I love how willing he was to do our Christmas traditions, like cutting and hanging snowflakes.

I love how I can talk to him for hours and never run out of things to say.

I love how much he can make me laugh with just a text.

I love how hard he worked to make his house a home and how important that was to him.

I love how safe and cherished I feel when his arms are around me.

I love how great a kisser he is.

Before long, every inch of the page was filled, even the margins. Sometime in the past week or so, she’d started focusing on what the relationship was doing to her planned-out and ordinary schedule. But as she worked on the list, she realized how much beauty and depth a relationship with Nick brought to her life and how much she had loved shouldering everything together.

Her friends had pointed out that she never did anything for herself and wanted her to figure out what she wanted. She, Rachel, had her very own wants and needs. And she was starting to understand what those were. Beyond how awful she’d felt after ending things, making the list helped her to realize that what she most wanted was a relationship with this man who she had spent this season falling in love with.

She looked over at Aiden, who was biting his top lip as he was cutting a snowflake out of a piece of paper that he’d decorated with his markers, and said, “You really like Nick, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“I really do, too. Do you want to help me think of something we can do to get him back in our lives?”

Aiden put his snowflake and scissors down and swung his legs around to kneel on the chair, leaning forward with his elbows on the table. “Yeah! Like what kind of something?”

“I don’t know. We can brainstorm. Maybe something with a lot of helium balloons, or building two snowmen holding hands and then spelling out something in the snow. Or… making him giant gingerbread cookies. Oh! Maybe we could decorate that cute tree in his front yard with some kind of decorations that would, I don’t know…”

Aiden was looking at her with his head cocked, his eyebrows drawn together.

“What?”

“Why does it have to be something big like that? Holly said her dad has a picture of you from your date and he looks at it all the time when he doesn’t know she’s paying attention. She said he talks about you a lot, too. I think he really likes you. Can’t we just go over there and you say, ‘Hey I really like you, too. Let’s go on dates again’?”

She just stared at Aiden. He had this simplicity thing down. Why couldn’t it be that simple? “Aiden,” she said, “you’re brilliant.” She kissed him on his forehead. “Go get your coat and gloves and hat. Let’s go over to his house.”

Aiden got his winter gear on in record time, he was so excited. Bailey was so excited. Rachel was so excited. The three of them piled into her car, and she pulled out of her driveway.