A Touch of Christmas Magic (Peppermint Hollow #2)

10. Colby

CHAPTER 10

COLBY

In a haze, I got up with Elsie at half-past six; we’d only been asleep a couple hours. Kai got up with me despite me telling him to stay in bed.

By the time I had Elsie’s diaper changed and a bottle ready, Dad and Allison had arrived like the cavalry. They were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to be grandparents for as long as Kai and I needed to sleep.

“I wasn’t worth shit when you were sick,” Dad said, a sad frown on his face. “Neither was your mom for that matter. But I’m here now. Go on, get some rest.”

Heading upstairs after thanking them profusely and kissing Elsie on the head, I found a freshly showered Kai changing the sheets.

“Don’t know why, but I wanted clean ones,” he said. “Shower. You’ll feel better. Then we get a couple more hours at least.”

He was right, I did feel better after a shower, and the sheets were fresh and clean as I slipped into bed beside him. Kai’s soft snores stopped when I threw an arm over him and pressed a kiss to the back of his head.

My heart ached with how badly I needed him to know what I felt. I knew he knew I loved him—just like I knew he loved me—our friendship was too strong for either of us to doubt that.

But I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go on pretending.

Pretending that I didn’t want to touch him and kiss him.

That I didn’t want to call him my husband for real and not just to bypass shitty hospital rules.

Didn’t want to make this little life we’d built together real, not just a convenience that would have to end at some point.

Instead, I savored the warmth of his body in my arms and drifted off to sleep with CoJack forever drifting through my dreams.

“I know I’m about fifteen years too late for the sex talk,” Dad started as we stood in the living room later in the afternoon.

Kai had gone with me to take Elsie to the pediatrician earlier in the day. The good news was her ears were already looking better. The better news was she was happy as a clam and back to being her cheery self.

Dad and Allison had lunch ready for us when we got home from the doctor, and we’d spent the whole meal oohing and ahhing over everything Elsie did. It was absolutely amazing how much better she was doing in less than twenty-four hours. Thank god for access to modern medicine.

After lunch, Allison and Kai headed to the grocery store to get ingredients for Christmas cookies, while Dad and I entertained Elsie.

My eyes grew wide at Dad’s words, and I wondered immediately why I’d ever thought other kids were lucky to have their parents to turn to as kids; this felt like it was going to get awkward. “Dad, it’s all good.” I nodded to the baby he held. “Pretty sure I’ve got the logistics down.”

Dad chuckled and hesitated before clearing his throat. “As much as I’d like to laugh it off and take the easy road, I spent too many years being a shitty father because I hid from my life and everything in it.”

My gut clenched. “Dad, we’ve talked about this, we’re good.” We truly were at a good place, and I didn’t want to rehash things.

“Colby, just let me get this out, okay?”

I gestured for him to continue.

“You’re like me in a lot of ways,” Dad started, his eyes briefly landing on me before moving to look at Elsie’s sweet little head propped in the crook of his elbow.

Where the hell was he going with this?

“Difference is, I shut myself off from the problems by detaching and being a shit husband, shit parent, shit person all around.”

“Dad, Mom was?—”

He held up his free hand. “Your mom was a good person who got sucked in by the drugs and she made terrible choices. She was a huge part of my problems, but I had other options. Instead of being a father to you, I shut down and barely made it through my days.” We’d discussed this all before, but it seemed like he needed to talk, so I let him go. “As long as I didn’t let anything in, I didn’t have to deal with my addict wife, the son I didn’t even know, the jobs I couldn’t keep, or the friends I’d lost.” Dad took a deep breath. “You? You moved to Florida and California. In your determination to escape your mom, you ended up with some version of her. Twice.”

I winced. “Damn, tell me how you really feel,” I muttered.

“I’m not saying all of this to make you feel bad, I’ve got an actual point.”

“Wanna get to it?” I asked with a huff.

“You ran from your mom, a shitty childhood, a detached father.” Dad’s eyes raised to meet mine. “And the feelings you have for your best friend.”

I immediately scoffed, ready to tell him he was wrong, ready to deny it.

But Dad held up a hand. “You can tell me I’m full of shit, but hear me out.”

Drawing in a deep breath, I nodded.

“I saw it. Way back when you and Kai were teens, I saw it.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “Things with your mom were at their worst, I was as far away in my head as possible, but I still saw what the two of you had. What you’d always had, but it was more. If I’d been anything close to a good father back then, I would have told you it was okay. Would have educated myself about same-sex partnerships, made sure you were equipped to be safe, and taken comfort in my son finding his person to love.” Dad shook his head. “Instead, I withdrew further into my hell as your mom got worse every single day. And before too long, you and Kai were off to college. Then you were gone—run off to Florida, to California.” His eyes bored into mine. “Yes, you were running from your mom. From me. But can you honestly say you weren’t running from Kai too?”

My mouth opened, ready to deny. Instead, words poured out of me I didn’t realize I’d been dying to tell my dad. “I’ve loved him since we were five. I fell in love with him when I was eighteen, maybe even before. I thought leaving was the right thing. I was the product of a broken home with an addict mother and an absent father?—”

Dad winced, but if we were putting it all out there, I had things to say.

“I didn’t need to add in the drama of discovering I was bisexual and in love with my best friend. So yeah, I ran. And things turned to shit.” I shrugged and looked at Elsie sleeping in my dad’s arms. “Mostly. Some things worked out all right.”

“And now?” Dad asked.

“Now? Nothing has changed. I’m not the guy who gets the happy ending, Dad.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” He shifted Elsie in his arms, moving her to snuggle against his chest.

“If I was meant for happy endings, Mom would have picked me over drugs. You would have decided to be a father long before she was finally out of your life.” Yeah, low blow, but it was the truth. “I wouldn’t have ended up with younger versions of my addict mom.” I paced the living room; I hadn’t been prepared for a soul-wrenching heart-to-heart with my dad on only a few hours of sleep.

“You deserve happiness, Colby.”

“I have what I deserve. I have the most gorgeous baby, a job I love, and a best friend who lets me crash at his place until I get my bearings.”

“You could have so much more, you have so much more if you’d just open your eyes and take a risk.” He put himself between me and my pacing.

“Where is all this coming from?” Folding my arms across my chest, I fought the urge to walk out of the house and not come back until the tension was gone.

“You spent the first chunk of your life thinking you weren’t wanted and didn’t deserve happiness. Because of that, I’d argue you deserve it more than anyone.” Dad rubbed Elsie’s back. “I convinced myself way back then that my shitty life was punishment for the way I was with your mom and you, but I know better now.”

I narrowed my eyes and waited.

“I know I was a piece of shit. I know you didn’t have to work things out with me. I know I’m the luckiest man alive to have found Allison. And I know that life can be so much better if we just choose to believe?—”

“Believe what, Dad? Believe that my best friend is pining away for me? Believe that I can just tell him I’ve been in love with him since we were teens? And he’ll, what? Put everything on hold just for me? Stand by while I work through what it means that I’m in love with him? And what if we’re only meant to be friends and my declaration ruins everything? I can’t lose the only person who’s been by my side every single day for twenty-five years.” I took a long, shuddering breath. “I just can’t.”

“I can’t promise Kai feels the same. I can’t promise things will be easy,” Dad said. “But I’ve seen the two of you together all these years—even when I wasn’t involved…yeah, I know, I was never involved…I see the way he looks at you, the way he loves you right back.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “Sometimes, I think we’re all looking too hard, trying too hard, and missing what’s right in front of our faces. He’s right there; you have to grab on to what makes you happy—choose to believe you deserve it, because you do —and never let go.”

Allison and Kai walked in the door, laughing over something they’d seen at the store. Dad gave me a wink and handed Elsie over. I followed him into the kitchen, his words a heavy weight on my heart.

Dad kissed Allison. “Come on, we need to head home.”

She beamed up at him, true love in her eyes even after all these years, and something punched me in the gut. Dad had gotten a second chance at life. At love. He’d taken it, even when he’d not been looking for it or expecting it. Even when he’d thought he hadn’t deserved it, love had still found him.

We said goodbye, and then it was just the three of us.

“I don’t know about you, but I think I’m glad snow is heading in,” Kai said as he put away groceries.

“Yeah?”

“We can pretend we’re snowed in. Nowhere to go, nothing to do except make Christmas cookies and crafts.”

I yawned. “That actually sounds amazing.”

“Tomorrow. No work, no nothing, unless it involves being lazy and making memories.”

My heart caught in my throat. I should bring up finding my own place. I should tell him how much I appreciated his kindness and generosity, but I didn’t want to keep cramping his style.

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do it.

My heart screamed at me, begging me not to leave.

Not to take away its other half.

Instead, I swallowed thickly.

“Making memories, huh?” I elbowed him. “Having a baby around has made you sentimental.”

“I may only get to do this one time, I wanna get it right,” Kai said.

Unable to actually speak, I just nodded.

“Next year, we’re sledding at the park, for sure,” Kai said. “Magic and Elsie will have a ball.”

We’d woken up to a couple inches of snow. Not enough to truly trap us in the house, but enough to play snow day and make Kai’s wishes of a lazy day making memories come true.

The whole morning was absolutely perfect. With a fire crackling in the fireplace, and the Christmas lights twinkling, we danced around the kitchen making pancakes and being silly for Elsie.

She squealed in delight every time she saw the Christmas tree, so we turned it into a big game of peek-a-boo. Running in and out of the living room with Elsie, her giggling and reaching for the lights on the tree, one of us jumping out and saying peek-a-boo. The game went on forever until she got fussy and needed a diaper change.

Later, Kai followed a recipe he found on the internet and made a cinnamon mixture to create homemade ornaments. He pressed Elsie’s chubby little hand into the heart mold, a perfect indentation of her hand on the ornament.

My heart clenched to think my baby’s hand would never again be that small. Next year, she’d be nearing eighteen months old. Heading toward the Terrible Twos, into everything, no longer a baby.

God, parenting sucked. How could you be so excited and proud to see each stage of your child’s life come along, yet so sad and scared to watch each stage pass by?

With the entire house smelling of cinnamon, we turned to the cookie baking. The recipe Allison had shared with Kai turned out to be easy and delicious, and he excitedly plated some up for Francis, Blake and Trevor, and Ivy and Emory. Despite how badly we wanted to let Elsie gnaw on a cookie, we decided the sugary treat wasn’t something she needed. She happily chewed on a soft piece of mango in the mesh fruit teether and was none the wiser of what she missed out on.

That afternoon we took a brief break from our snow day to funnel through some phone calls while Elsie watched an educational video and got in some tummy time on her mat. Kai and I sat on the couch to do our work, neither of us willing to miss the possibility of her first roll-over. She’d been rocking back and forth for a while, so we were sure the big move was imminent.

By the time the video was over, Elsie had worn herself out and gotten fussy. I’d drawn the short stick and had to make a call neither of us wanted to be involved in. Just as I was greeted by one of our only grumpy clients, Kai finished his call. Eyeing me as Delores started in with demands for the type of place her daughter was looking for, Kai smiled and slapped me on the back.

“I’ll get her changed and give her a bottle,” he whispered. Picking up a fussy Elsie from where she’d lost interest in her toys, he winked and mouthed, “Good luck.” Then he bounced the baby out of the room. “Come on, Else, diaper duty is better than dealing with cranky clients.”

I kept one ear on Delores and one ear on Kai as he told Elsie what he was doing as he made her bottle in the kitchen. We’d both taken to helping her language development by telling her all the things we were doing and naming the objects in her little world.

Smiling to myself as Kai’s voice trailed away through the house, only to be picked up again by the baby monitor in the bedroom, I clicked through emails from current and prospective clients regarding homes they wished to buy or sell while Delores droned on. She said the same things every time we spoke to her, so taking notes wasn’t even necessary these days. But I made sure to interject with words here and there to let her know I was listening. Delores wasn’t a lot of fun, but she was a repeat client and we worked hard to keep all our clients happy.

CoJack Realty had been a huge undertaking for two kids fresh out of college, but Kai and I had made it work, and I was damn proud of the name we’d built for ourselves. We were one of the top realty teams in the state, competing easily with some of the bigger names in other states.

Every so often, I’d look at all we’d done, what we’d built—together—and smile. We’d done that. Kai and me. CoJack forever.

Once Delores finally said goodbye, with the promise to call back and check on things in a day or two, I made the executive decision that work was done for the day. After all, it was a day of laziness and making memories.

I clicked over to the parenting blog Kai and I followed. It truly did have questions and answers for almost anything parenting-related. Kai and I shared the account under the name CoJack. I checked for any new tidbits we might find useful. It was a rabbit hole if you let yourself get pulled in.

Instead, I let my mind wander to what Ivy and Trevor had said about Kai and me. What Alicia had recognized the day Kai rescued me—and her words about regretting how she lost Leanna. Francis’s story of pain and regret because he didn’t tell Sammy how he felt. Dad’s words of encouragement—to look at what’s right in front of us and take what we deserve.

Would I let myself be happy and in love? Or would I be an old man with painful regrets because I never spoke up?

The baby monitor crackled, and I pictured Kai masterfully taking care of Elsie’s diaper and giving her a bottle. The man had picked up on fatherhood like a damn pro. “Okay, clean diaper. Let’s eat. And a nap sounds like a great idea, maybe I’ll join you,” Kai muttered.

Elsie, obviously a bit happier with a dry diaper, cooed her precious baby sounds—some of her babbles had started to sound suspiciously like words in the last week or so—over the monitor and my heart melted. Would I ever not turn to goo when it had to do with my daughter?

The baby monitor Kai had picked out truly was top-of-the-line. We hadn’t set up the video portion of it yet, but the audio was crisp and clear. I heard him settle himself in the recliner and Elsie’s noises quieted as I pictured her grasping the bottle in her chubby little hands.

“Hungry girl, huh?” Kai mused, a smile lacing his words.

I could just imagine him looking down at Elsie with so much wonder and love. His brown hair all messy, strong legs spread and rocking the recliner, hand patting Elsie’s diaper-covered rump.

My heart ached.

And then…

“What am I going to do, Else?” A pause and a sigh. “That daddy of yours is driving me insane.”

For a moment, my heart stopped. Was Kai tired of having me in his home? Oh god, maybe this situation wasn’t working out as well as I’d thought it was. I’d known we’d have to leave, I just wasn’t ready.

Shit.

“Do you know how long I’ve loved him?” A snort of laughter. “I mean really loved him? Twenty-five years I’ve loved him like a brother. But the for-real, all-consuming, want him any and every way I can get him kind of love?” He blew out a breath, the monitor picking up every sound, and I froze, my heartbeat increasing to Mach ten. “Since I was sixteen, Else. Before that if we’re being honest.” Another pause, and I pictured Kai running a hand over his face and through his hair while I struggled to breathe. “What am I supposed to do with that? I can’t fuck things up—excuse my language; do not repeat that word—but keeping this to myself is absolutely killing me. I don’t know how much longer I can do it.”

Elsie made a grunting noise and Kai laughed with no humor.

“I know, right? Keep it to myself and slowly go insane with how badly I want the man I love and can’t have, or tell him and risk losing the other half of my soul? Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”

His words had me dizzy.

Or maybe that was a lack of oxygen to my brain.

Kai patted Elsie’s back until she burped, and I played statue on the couch.

The recliner creaked and I knew Kai was standing to walk Elsie around until she fell asleep. Then he’d lay her down and leave the bedroom.

This was it. The moment I’d been waiting for since I was eighteen.

I left the living room and headed toward our bedroom.

Toward the first day of the rest of my life.