Aching for His Discretion (The Discretion Dynasty #1)

43. Teegan

Chapter forty-three

Teegan

“ I ’m here to see you, Tesoro,” he said, and I had to hold back the scoff that wanted to surface.

“Here to see me…” I muttered, placing my bags down and slipping my shoes off. “What for?” I asked, my hands beginning to feel more clammy as my heart pounded in my chest. I had to do my best to avoid eye contact as he stepped a bit closer.

“I missed you,” he admitted, and I crossed my arms.

“That’s not a valid reason.”

“And why is that?” he asked.

“Because you broke up with me on the day of my graduation and haven’t bothered contacting me since.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t miss you,” he muttered, and I shook my head as I walked over to him and slowly grabbed my kitty from his hold. I ignored the urge to jump into his arms as I pulled away from his intoxicating scent and walked over to my bedroom with Grayson still sound asleep. Placing him on the bed, I made my way back out into the living room to be faced with the man once again.

“What do you want, Levi?” I asked, and he furrowed his eyebrows slightly as he spoke.

“I already told you—”

“No, Levi. Why are you here? Why are you in my apartment? Why were you holding my cat? What do you want from me?” I asked, feeling my emotions beginning to spiral.

He sighed. “I don’t want anything from you, Tesoro… I just want you.”

“Are you even listening to yourself!?” I asked, feeling as though he couldn’t understand me. “ You broke up with me, Levi. You don’t get to decide when you want me or not.”

He tilted his head slightly. “And you think what I did was a decision I wanted to make?”

“Whether it was or not, it was a decision you still made in the end.”

“Teegan,” he said, and I shook my head.

“No. I don’t want you here.”

“Teegan, I love you.”

“You don’t, Levi.”

He breathed in heavily for a few moments.

“What is it that you can’t understand...?”

“I’m sorry?” I asked, and he practically seethed.

“What is it that you won’t fucking understand, Teegan! I didn’t want to leave you, I had to. I had to get myself under control, and I couldn’t do it with you there. I had to learn how to fucking live without you because I realized that I quite literally can’t live without you . I can’t eat, breathe, or sleep without you being on my mind. I know I’m fucked up, and I know I’ve done some fucked-up shit, but I’m trying. I’m going to fucking therapy and learning to deal with my aggression with fucking breathing exercises. Imagine the switch from killing people so I can let off some steam to fucking counting and taking deep breaths,” he said, growing angry, and my breath hitched as he approached me once again, now only a foot or so away.

“Do you know why I’m going through this torture? Why I had to push you away to figure out who the fuck I was without you? Because I want to change for you. I need to change for you. ”

I pushed back the tears that wanted to surface as I replied after a moment or so, “Levi. I… I didn’t want you to just change for me. I wanted you to change for yourself.”

“Before I met you, Teegan, I didn’t think I needed to change anything about myself. But I need to change because I need you in my life.”

He placed a hand on the side of my face softly. “You’re the only woman for me, Teegan. Please give me a second chance.”

Gazing into his eyes, I felt my heart crumble slightly as I shook my head.

“No, Levi… I-I can’t let you put me through this mental torture again. I can’t.” Mentally, emotionally, physically… I was almost cured of the chokehold he had over me. I was almost able to free myself from these Stockholm syndrome tendencies of wanting to be close to him even though he’d hurt me.

“Then let me show you that I’ve actually changed. I don’t care if it takes twenty years for you to forgive me. I am willing to beg, wait, and plead for your forgiveness if that’s what it takes.”

“Levi…”

“Tesoro... I know I don’t deserve you... I know the things I did—they… they were unforgivable. But if you’re willing to let me, I will spend the rest of my life—” he began.

I pulled away from him as I shook my head.

“Levi... I think it’s time for you to go,” I whispered.

He stared at me silently, hurt flashing through his eyes, and after a moment, he simply nodded before turning around and heading for the door.

Once I heard it close, I remained silent. My walls felt like they were going to come crashing down all of a sudden, but I couldn’t let them. I was fine. I’d gotten over him, moved on, found my own self. But now, I simply felt numb… unable to process the last ten minutes, much less the last two years.

Brushing my hair in the mirror, I looked over to see the time was still a bit early, most likely because I hadn’t been able to sleep all night. I only got around three hours, which was normal when I was in medical school, but these days, I at least wanted to get six, maybe seven hours of sleep.

But it wasn’t studying that kept me up… no, it was Levi’s visit and his confession or, rather, revelation. Regardless, I felt lightheaded the entire night but found myself unable to fall asleep.

After finishing my neat ponytail, I fluffed my wavy curls slightly before smoothing out my scrubs and exiting the bathroom. Going into the kitchen, I started some coffee before I heard a knock at the door.

At five forty-five AM, I could only imagine who was outside of my door.

Going over, I unlocked it and opened it to see Levi once again. He looked… exhausted, as if he didn’t have the best night either. His hair was slightly disheveled, and he was dressed in a black hoodie and sneakers with grey joggers.

“You knocked…” I said softly as I recalled the few times he would simply end up inside my apartment, though I’d never questioned it.

“Told you I wanted to change. Knocking at the door would be a start…” he replied, and I stared at him for a moment before reluctantly walking away from the door, allowing him to walk in.

As he closed it behind him, I grabbed a mug from my cabinet and paused for a moment as I gazed at a specific one reminding me of a few years ago.

He sat on the couch, and I handed him a mug of tea. He looked at the mug curiously, and I laughed internally since it had an adorable panda design he was fixated on and studying.

Grabbing the panda one slowly, I grabbed my favorite pink mug as well before starting my Keurig. Looking over to the living room, I noticed Grayson had miraculously woken up and sauntered over to lay in Levi’s lap… Traitor .

Once the coffee was finished, I poured it into both mugs before adding a bit of syrup and creamer to mine. Going over to the living room, I placed his mug on the coffee table, and I held back a small smile as he looked at it with as much curiosity as he did when I gave it to him a few years ago. He took a sip nonetheless, and I sat on the other edge of the couch to put a bit of distance between us.

It felt weird… seeing him after all this time, and I didn’t know how to process it. Come to think of it, I haven’t been able to truly process him being here at all.

“You’re leaving for the hospital soon?” he asked, and I nodded.

“I am.”

“Could I… give you a ride?” he asked sheepishly, and I bit my lip as I looked down at my mug.

“I don’t think… that would be the best thing right now.”

“Understandable. Too soon, I guess,” he muttered.

“A little, yeah…”

We were silent once again, then he spoke.

“Can we talk about last night?” he asked, and I sighed, placing my mug down as I stood.

“Now is probably not the best time, Levi.”

“That’s fine… We can talk whenever you think is right. I don’t want to push you too far.”

You already have.

I pulled on my long, knit cardigan and grabbed my belongings as well. He stood for a moment, and I sighed as I rubbed my temples.

I was going to regret my next decision. I will hate myself for what I am about to say. I will blame myself for my progress being totally disregarded —but I decided to say it anyway.

“I’ll be home around seven. I’ll cook dinner and… we can talk then,” I muttered.

His eyes finally looked to have a bit of relief, but he composed himself. I could even tell he wanted to help me with my many bags, but he didn’t… and that was fine, because I wouldn’t have allowed him to help me anyway.

Grabbing my keys, I walked over to the door, and he followed slowly. Opening it, I bit my lip as he walked past me and stepped out. His familiar scent and cologne caused me to feel a bit overwhelmed, but I ignored it as I locked the door behind me.

Turning around, I gave a tight-lipped smile. “I’ll see you tonight.”

He simply stared into my eyes, and I gulped softly as he towered over me slightly and leaned in. A blush rose to my face, and he replied,

“Until then, Tesoro.”