Aching for His Discretion (The Discretion Dynasty #1)

45. Levi

Chapter forty-five

Levi

L ying on the couch, I stared up into the dark ceiling as I listened to the snow still falling outside. It had to be at least two in the morning, but I couldn’t sleep. Not when the woman of my dreams was only one door away. But I had to be patient… move on her terms… allow her control of the situation so I could keep mine.

Two years. I couldn’t have stayed away for longer. It would’ve been impossible, but I had to. I had to stay away so she could be free, I had to stay away to learn how to control my anger and impulses, and I had to stay away so I could deal with my father.

He was the major source of my frustration, so I had to find time and headspace to deal with him. Being preoccupied with my Tesoro could not only put her in danger, but it would cause me to fail… I couldn’t let that happen.

Hearing the sound of purring, I felt the cat jump up onto my chest happily. He had been more clingy than I was previously used to, but a small part of me missed him. He began affectionately clawing at my chest, and I simply lay there as I attempted to fall asleep. However, the sound of a small sneeze emerging from the bedroom caused my eyes to fly open.

Only then did I notice the heat of the complex had gone out, and the space heaters in the living room and in Teegan’s bedroom were on overdrive. I wasn’t that cold, but my Tesoro got cold quickly. I remember her little hands and feet were like icicles when it was cold, and she used to press them against me for a bit of warmth in the past.

Hearing another sneeze, I stood with the cat on my shoulder before going into the kitchen. I boiled a bit of water for a few minutes before making her some chamomile tea with honey and almond milk.

Putting it in one of her little mugs, I walked over to her bedroom and listened to my poor baby sneeze again. The door was slightly ajar, so I knocked a bit and caught a glimpse of her shivering in her bed, the space heater trying its best to work.

I pushed the door open slowly and ignored her intoxicating scent that filled the room. Upon getting to her bedside, she sniffled softly as she opened her eyes slightly. She sat up, curious but sleepy, and I handed her the tea. She took a few sips, and before I knew it, she’d finished.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and I nodded.

“I can bring the space heater from the living room in here if you need it,” I offered sincerely, and she shook her head slightly.

“I…I don’t know if it’ll help much right now, and I don’t want you to be cold.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me, Tesoro … but I can’t help but worry about you. You’re freezing. I don’t want you to catch a cold in the morning.”

“I-I know,” she whispered, lying back down shivering, and I paused for a moment. An idea came to mind—not a very good one, but an idea nonetheless. I stood up, and she watched me curiously as I let Grayson on the ground and pulled back the blanket.

Keeping direct eye contact with her, I lay down beside her as she watched cautiously. I held my arm out slightly as I leaned on my elbow, and she bit her lip in worry.

Why wouldn’t she be worried? I’d broken her trust and brought her only pain… who’s to say I wouldn’t do it again?

“I just want to help, Teegan,” I said as calmly as I could, and after a moment of thinking, I felt her throw herself into my arms, my body heat immediately transferring over to her. She hugged me close as I pulled her in by the waist. Though I could have been imagining it, the hug felt warm and laced with affection and appreciation.

“I-It’s so cold,” she whispered, and I sighed as I felt her chilly arms and legs against me.

“I know, baby, I know… I got you,” I whispered and slightly cursed myself for letting it slip; however, she didn’t say anything, only pulled me in even closer as she sniffled softly. Not long after that, I could tell she’d fallen asleep.

My eyes wandered over her comfortable state for some time, and I couldn’t help but pull her in closer as I breathed in her familiar scent, finally scratching the incessant itch that ached for her in my arms, that ached for her closeness. Finally feeling content, my eyes closed, and I felt myself slowly drifting off to do the same.

Teegan

Waking up slowly, I noticed I was by myself in my bed. It was around seven AM, and I’d definitely slept in longer than I wanted to. However, I knew my coordinators would push back some things in the hospital to give us some time to get in with the snow, and I was grateful for the extra few hours of sleep I got. Getting out of bed, I got ready for the day before walking to the kitchen to make some more tea.

Soon, Levi opened the door to my apartment, and I saw him in different clothes, his hair freshly washed, and a shovel in hand.

“Good morning, Teegan,” he said, taking off his coat and boots, and I nodded softly.

“Morning... you’ve been pretty busy,” I remarked as I took a small sip from my mug, and he nodded, fixing his dark green turtleneck sweater.

“Had to clean the snow by my car and yours,” he replied.

I held the cup in my hands, feeling thankfulness and guilt coming over me.

“You didn’t have to…” I said softly, and he shook his head.

“Of course I did,” he muttered, walking over to me slowly.

I handed him a mug of tea, and he thanked me softly as he took a sip and leaned against the counter beside me.

We didn’t speak about last night. However, I wanted to address the elephant in the room and remind myself of the boundaries I forced up, but, like an addict coming face to face with their addiction, I almost ached to be in his arms again—to feel safe, to be held, to feel warm. Only he could make me feel this way, and no matter how much I wanted to ignore the feelings or ignore how much he affected me, I couldn’t. Not when he put so much effort into changing who he was because I had wanted him to.

“Levi... If we are going to talk,” I began, and I could see him slowly becoming a bit uneasy as he took another sip of the tea. “If we ever want to fix anything between us, we have to start slow,” I muttered, and he looked at me for a moment longer before sighing.

“I apologize if I overstepped any boundaries last night.”

“No... don’t be. Last night, you were there for me, and I appreciate that,” I said softly.

He continued looking at me as the look in his eyes changed slightly. They looked more protective, almost possessive.

It reminded me of the way he looked at me a couple of years ago and how he would make me feel like the only woman in the world who he needed to protect and cherish.

It made me feel all giddy and lightheaded back then as he showed me how much he cared about me through his actions rather than simply his words. And now, I could feel those familiar feelings resurfacing as he gazed at me with sheer love, protectiveness, and affection in his eyes.

“I always want to be there for you, Teegan,” he stated, and I nodded, trying to hide the blush that slowly crept up my neck.

Clearing my throat, I nodded as I finished my tea and placed the mug in the sink to wash.

“I know…” I whispered in response.

Checking the time, I noticed it was time for me to leave soon.

“I-I should probably get going. We’re most likely going to be a bit backed up at the hospital today,” I said as I made my way to the living room to pack up my belongings.

He lingered behind me a bit as he watched silently, his eyes filled with uncertainty, though he held his composure. I wasn’t used to this kind of behavior from him. He was controlled or calm, in contrast to the impulsivity that had previously driven him.

“Can I bring you to work? It’s supposed to snow throughout the day, and I wouldn’t want you to drive in it,” he asked sincerely, his voice laced with concern, and I paused in my movements.

If I let him take me to work, this would be another boundary crossed. We could fall back into old habits or routines once again, routines in which he would slowly coerce me into believing his lies, and I would find myself trapped in the same cycle once more.

Though the offer was concerning, I was tempted—tempted to trust him again as he had taken steps to be a better person overall. How would I be able to know for sure he changed if I keep pushing him away?

After thinking for a bit longer, I nodded. “I suppose that it would be okay,” I said, and his features softened as a look of relief filled his eyes. This was starting slow.

I wouldn’t jump back into old habits. I couldn’t. But I could gradually learn more about the man who worked to change for me and about what we could do to reconcile the past and potentially look to the future together.

I was still wary, however, as I had to remain guarded to protect my heart, my newly found independence, and my sense of self-worth as the reminders of our past were still fresh in my mind.

Nonetheless, my heart fluttered as he grabbed his keys and wordlessly grabbed one of my heavier bags before I could protest. In contrast to the other day, when I denied his help, I wanted to embrace it today, even if the feeling would only last for one car ride.