AJ’s Fire (Hampstead Valley #3)

Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Jackson

We were being jostled by the throngs of people dancing and cheering, the pulse of the club having become chaotic with the onset of the New Year. I could feel AJ reach out for me. He grasped my arm, but someone plowed between us, so he came around and wrapped his arm around my waist instead.

It was at least the third time he had touched me that evening, and it was driving me crazy. It had been so hard to be around him that night, looking the way he did, so effortlessly attractive, a rugged handsomeness that was only enhanced by his gray-on-black wardrobe. I knew him well enough to know that he had no real idea about the effect he had on others. That bartender at the restaurant really had been eyeing him. And I was sure he had no idea what effect he was having on me. Leaning in, all the fucking time to be heard over the noise of the club, so close I thought, almost, for a brief second, that he was going to kiss me.

I had escaped him for a bit after the restaurant by ending up in the other cab, using the time to try and get my shit together. When AJ gave me my phone back I saw that Newbie1164 had replied, and I had a date, or a hookup, or whatever, planned for the following night.

It was time to get over AJ and under someone else. But how the fuck was I supposed to do that when we were walking arm in arm, and his fucking perfect face and his whiskey-spiced breath were right there ?

“We’ll never find them. Let’s just find a quiet corner and text them.”

I leaned back, as far as I could with his arm, warm and muscled and secure, wrapped around my waist, and gave him a look. “We can try. Not many quiet corners, though. Jamie wasn’t wrong, joking about the fire marshal. This place is packed.”

He maneuvered me until we found ourselves in a darkened corner of the club, still surrounded by people but using our firemen bulk to work our way to the wall. A waitress came past and offered champagne flutes, and I downed one immediately and took a second. AJ eyed me as the waitress handed one to him, and he thanked her.

Our phones buzzed in unison again, and I let out a harsh laugh. Casey and Emily had sent a picture of the two of them in the back of a cab.

Just to me, Emily also texted:

Ems: We’re heading out. Don’t overthink things, just have fun. Who knows, we might do the same.

AJ flashed his phone at me. “Looks like we’re the last men standing. Just you and me, like old times.” He looked like he was going to say something else but shook his head instead.

“What?”

“Bro code? If you want, we could …” He looked around as we would have any other time we were in a club full of scantily clad women. “If you wanted. But no, forget I said that.” He was bumbling and flustered, his face turning visibly splotched. I could see it even in the dark corner we had found ourselves in. “I know you’re not interested … You’re not doing that anymore. I didn’t mean to … to put pressure on you or whatever. It just came out; It’s like I’m on autopilot. Sorry, man.”

This was a version of AJ I had never seen. He was all nervous energy and darting eyes. I hated it.

“Bro code, bro,” I returned, though the bro felt odd on my tongue. “We could see what’s out there for you.” I hesitated before saying, “I don’t mind,” because I really hated lying to my best friend. But it wasn’t wholly untrue; I didn’t want to mind, and I didn’t want AJ not to find a hookup if that’s what he wanted. I just hated the thought of him with someone else.

He thought about it. Like, I could see the cogs turning before he finally said, “Fuck that. Let’s get out of here.” I took the lead, and he grasped my bicep this time as we worked our way back upstairs to collect our jackets. I inquired about the bill for our table though I hadn’t ever sat there and was told that Emily had taken care of it. I closed my tab with the bartender and clocked his look when he saw the generous tip. He nodded at me appreciatively and smiled before looking back and forth from me to AJ, after which he quickly went back to wiping off the counter.

We worked our way back downstairs and out of the club, AJ holding onto me the whole time. I glanced over my shoulder and saw he had his phone out. The thought of what was on mine burned a hole in my pocket. Here we were in a new year; it was definitely time, well past time, that I tried a new thing. Maybe it was time to come clean to my friend as well.

The cold hit me immediately as the doors of the club opened out onto a frigid night. It was a harsh change from the heat of the packed club. AJ dropped my arm as we walked through the frame, but the sidewalk was so crowded with revelers that he grasped me once more, his big hand forming a strong grip on my upper arm as we stood side by side, me looking down at his hand, him looking at something on his phone.

“Do you want to crash at mine?” When I didn’t respond right away, I sensed him looking up first at my face, then down to see what I was staring at. He retracted his hand like I was a four-alarm blaze and tried to play the move off like he needed to type on his phone.

“A cab or rideshare might take a while, but I think the subway would be insanity right now. What do you say?”

I nodded absently, and he tapped on his phone.

“Not too bad. Twenty minutes. Blue sedan.”

I nodded again, and AJ found a section of wall to lean on. I followed, but before I could take up real estate next to him, people had filled him in on either side, so I stood in front of him instead. Then we just looked at each other as happy, drunken people walked past, brushing into me, causing me to step closer and closer to my friend each time.

My friend! My best friend, who couldn’t hear me over the noise of a loud club, so he had to lean in close. Who didn’t want to lose me, so he wrapped his arm around me. Who had been patient with me as I pulled away from him for months on end, afraid of what I’d discovered about myself. Afraid of what it meant for our friendship. Afraid of what I wanted it to mean.

Another reveler walked past, and I was another half step closer to him. Next I could see a gaggle of people barreling down the sidewalk, laughing and screaming and generally having a happy New Year. There wasn’t room enough for them and me, and I looked around quickly for any small sliver of space to get out of the way, but there was none, and too soon it was too late. I had no other choice but to step closer still, to line myself up from head to interlocked feet with AJ Gordon. Instead of looking at me, he watched the group as they brushed up behind me. When they passed, I went to take a step back, but AJ grabbed me by the waist with one hand, jerking me toward him until we were flush, our chests touching, my cheek brushing his.

I could feel his hand tightening around my waist, but I couldn’t look at him. He could have no idea what being in such close proximity to him was doing to me, and he could never know. We had worked together for so long that we were in tune with each other, on the same frequency. Seasoned veterans talked about us at the station. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t mess that up. It was an unnatural feeling, not wanting him to be in tune with me.

“Jax?” AJ whispered in my ear.

“I can’t,” I whispered in return, and he pulled back to look at me.

“Jax.”

I had to get out of there. “I can’t come with you, Aje. I’m going … I'm gonna head home.”

“Okay. Jax. If you’re sure. I mean, you could come to the house. We could talk about … anything. Jax, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” He sounded so sincere and looked worried and confused.

I put on my brightest Dorso-heir smile. “Of course, I do, AJ. I just … you know, long day. I’m gonna go.” It was clear he could see right through it.

He was still holding my side, and it felt like I was leaving a part of me behind when I pulled away and turned to leave. “I’ll see you at the station, bro.”

I thought I heard him mutter “bro” like it was a question as I marched down the sidewalk, barely paying attention to the crowds of people I had to fight my way through. I made my way to the subway and was in my bed two hours later, my ears still buzzing from the noise of the club, my heart beating in confusion, my desire and my thoughts a jumbled, screaming mess.

I got up the next morning to a barrage of phone notifications. There were many simple wishes for a Happy New Year, but among them was a text from Emily, wanting to know how the rest of my night had gone, and one more from Newbie1164, wishing me a Happy New Year and letting me know once more that he was looking forward to meeting me. There was none from AJ, except for a response in the group text we had put together for the six of us, thanking us for ringing in the New Year with him.

Jamie had responded by thanking us all for a lovely evening, a comment that Ruth thought deserved three laughing emojis. The general consensus on the text chain was that the group would be happy to get involved with the station’s Family Fun Day, and talk went back and forth about that, the evening before forgotten as they texted about future plans.

I ignored it all, except for the quick Happy New Year I sent my parents, and went for a jog, pushing myself in the cold air. With a vast majority of the city sleeping off the night before, my route was oddly quiet. I blasted some mind-numbing heavy metal music and pushed myself, both physically and mentally, as I convinced myself I was really going to go through with it and head up to the Cedar Lake cabin.

I kept the music pulsating at the coffee shop where I had a quick breakfast, and I hurried into and out of the pharmacy on my block, a fresh pack of condoms and lube among the travel-sized items I probably didn’t really need to bring with me but bought anyway.

I sent my playlist to the speaker in my bedroom and let it clamor as I showered and changed, then packed a small suitcase. Then I stood staring at the luggage as it lay open on my bed.

“Fuck it,” I eventually said, slamming the suitcase shut, shoving my earbuds back in and heading down to my building’s garage.

It only took about an hour and a half to get to my grandparents’ cabin. It was midafternoon when I got there, and part of me wanted to text Newbie right away, to invite him over early and get our first date over with.

That thought stopped me. Meeting a man, hooking up with a man for the first time, shouldn’t be something to just get over with. I wasn’t ticking a box on a list. Yeah, I needed to find someone, someone who wasn’t AJ, that I could explore my feelings with. But it shouldn’t be something that I was hoping to just get over with. That wouldn’t be fair to him or to me.

I was having doubts about my meetup but was determined to see it through, so I messaged Newbie1164 one more time, letting him know I looked forward to our evening. Like so many of the lies I’d told myself, I wanted it to be true. I also texted Emily, letting her know where I was and what I was up to, and she gave me explicit instructions to text her before midnight to let her know I was safe.

I jogged again to release some of my nervous energy before heading out to the nearby grocery store for some snacks and beer. I grabbed a bottle of wine along with a premade charcuterie board.

Back at the cabin, I showered and dressed, lit a fire, and spent an inordinate amount of time choosing a music playlist. And then I sat on the couch, staring at a tray of meat, fruit, and cheese.

“Fuck.” That had lasted all of five minutes. I jumped violently from my seat and raided the bookshelf behind me, settling in with one of my grandfather’s thrillers.