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AJ’s Fire (Hampstead Valley #3) Chapter 16 71%
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Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Jackson

I worried that my disappointment would be palpable when at the last second, AJ sat on a chair instead of sitting next to me on the couch. It was another feeling that I wanted to hide from AJ.

“That, right there.” AJ was pointing at me.

“What?” I questioned.

“This is what we’re doing today, Jax. We’re talking all this shit out so that I don’t have to guess what that look’s about, and you don’t have to guess what I’m feeling. You and I, Jax, we haven’t been the best at being honest about our feelings lately. Not with ourselves and not with each other. The only way out is through, so from here on out, for the rest of the day, you feel it, you say it. Same here. And who knows, maybe two mature, open, healthy men will come out the other side.”

In an attempt to bring levity to the situation, I may have rolled my eyes at AJ.

“I’ll start.” He sat tall and smirked a smile at me as he continued. “That yeah, right look of yours is …” He stumbled on the word but then braved through, “Adorable.”

My heart soared at the compliment, but I still felt the need to protect myself, so I responded with snark. “Not so easy, all this honesty, is it?”

I had been going for a joke, but his response floored me. “For you, it’s worth it. When you rolled your eyes at me, I wanted to storm over to you and kiss the snarky look right off your face. How have I not been kissing snarky looks off your face for five years, Jax?

“Now your turn!” he insisted. “What was the sad look for when I sat down?” He looked at me like he could figure out the answer by mapping the speckles in my eyes.

I took a deep breath and tried to remember that whatever else he was, AJ was my best friend, and I could trust him. I could be honest with him.

“You sat all the way over there. You hugged me”—I pointed in the direction we had been standing—”like you never wanted to let me go. Now you’re sitting all the way over there.”

“I’m sitting all the way over here because all I want to do is kiss you. But if we start that all up before we talk this out, I might not get out everything I want to say to you, and you might weird out on me again. And I won’t have it, Jackson. I won’t lose you again.”

I don’t know how long we stared at each other. I wanted to look away but I just couldn’t. I knew the ball was in my court. We gazed, and he waited, and eventually, I grabbed it and ran.

“I still can’t fathom that you want to be with me like that, AJ. You had my dick in your mouth and my cum on your hands, for fuck’s sake. I’ve been contemplating being with a man for a year, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I can't convince myself that … I can’t allow myself to believe that you really want to have sex with me.”

He was quiet for a minute. “Okay. What else?”

“What else?”

“Yeah.” He clapped, then rubbed his hands. “Let’s get it all out on the table. Make a list. Then we’ll tackle them.”

“A list?”

“If we’re doing this, we’re doing this.”

“You’re unbelievable, Aje.”

“Thank you. What’s next?”

“Next it’s your turn! You’d never been attracted to a guy before, and we had sex, AJ. It’s your turn to add to the list.”

“Okay,” he paused and thought. “Okay. “I wish my best friend had confided in me.”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” I agreed. He looked at me expectantly.

““My turn?” I assumed. He nodded.

“I can’t picture myself coming out. My parents are so disappointed in me already for quitting Dorso. We have this tenuous truce now that it’s clear that firefighting wasn’t a whim, and with all the turmoil I’m feeling about this, I need that truce right now. I don’t need a strained relationship with them to confound matters. They assume Emily and I are dating, and Emily and I may have done nothing to allay them of7 that notion. It’s like this fucking merger is as much about marrying the two of us off as it is about starting a new digital entertainment studio. I just can’t come out to them, Aje. Not right now.”

“I can’t imagine your parents are homophobic, Jax?”

“No, of course they’re not. A quick internet search of the types of charities and political campaigns they contribute to will tell you that. But it’s just another thing that will make me ‘the other’ in their circle, and God, the media will go crazy. I’ve managed to stay under the radar for so long, but I can’t expect that to last forever. And I don’t want that spotlight. I’ve never wanted it.”

“I …” AJ looked like he wanted to counter what I’d said but stopped himself. “I understand, I guess. You need to come out in your own time. I guess I never thought about you as a celebrity or whatever.”

“You know, since I’ve been hanging out with Emily, I worry about it so much more. One of these days, someone is going to recognize her, then recognize me. Then there won’t be a closet big enough to hide in. I’ve always just wanted a quiet life. And I’ve managed to have one since I moved to Brooklyn. I don’t want that to change. And my parents, once they know, there will be no avoiding the spotlight, because the two of them live in the fucking spotlight these days.” We were quiet, and I eventually remarked, “Your turn.”

“I … I want us to keep going, to be together for as long as you want. But I don’t want to complicate things for you.” AJ stood and walked to the bookcase along the wall behind me; I followed with my gaze as he stared blankly at a shelf, his finger running up and down the wood. “And I need you to know that I’m not hooking up with anyone else. I haven’t since before Thanksgiving, haven’t much at all this year, really. And I’m here for whatever you want.”

“To be my fuck buddy?” I asked his back from over the couch.

“If that’s what you want.”

The things he was saying, about missing his friend, about wanting to be with me, much as I could barely believe him, AJ appeared so honest and raw that I had to trust what he was saying. But what did it mean? Just because some multiverse craziness had occurred between us didn’t mean he was a different person. AJ Gordon didn’t do relationships. He had his bros and his family and his women on the side. Could something more than our physical attraction to each other have changed for AJ? It didn’t seem likely.

I stood and waited until he turned to face me, the furniture between us. “What do you want, AJ?” He looked so lost and a little afraid. I’d never seen him afraid before. I’d seen him run into burning buildings and fill up a room like a rock star and goof around for his niece like a cartoon character, but I’d never seen him this vulnerable, other than when his sister-in-law had died, or when we had a tragedy at work.

AJ’s phone rang at the same moment there was a knock on the door. It took a beat for us to break eye contact. As a matter of fact, he pulled the phone out without looking away from me.

But then he clocked the phone and looked desperately at me as he answered it. “Yeah, James?” I nodded and headed for the front door. “Yeah, they’re here,” he confirmed for his brother. “Don’t worry. I got this.”

AJ led the two-man crew around the back of the house to the lower-level entrance, making the bed delivery fairly painless. We tipped the guys and found ourselves alone once again down in a room that I had slept in years ago.

“Jamie really straightened up down here. Who is this guy again?”

“Josh’s slutty roommate, remember?”

We laughed about that. It felt so good to laugh with him. He bent down to pick up plastic wrap from the box spring he’d told the guys not to worry about and filled me in. “He and Josh met as freshman at HU. He’s interning at Welling Financial.”

“Where Anna worked?”

“Yup.”

“Is Jamie okay with that? I know he wasn’t a fan of Welling when she was alive. And after what happened …”

AJ shrugged. “It shouldn’t be a big deal. At least I don’t think it will be. The kid just needs a room. But I’ll keep an eye on Jamie. Maybe he can help us with the Family Fun Day event. Get him out of the house. I know he didn’t hit it off with Ruth, but maybe Emily? Or Casey?” He sat on the bed, rustling the plastic wrapping. “I really do think it’s time for him to get back out there. Let’s find a night, okay, to hang with him and Emily and Ruth?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said distractedly, imagining being out in public with AJ. It had been damned near impossible to be close to him at the station, my thoughts constantly going back to our time in the cabin. I felt like I spent the entire shift with a blush on my face and a semi in my sweatpants.

“Hey.” He was standing before me. “Remember, we’re being honest, right? Tell me what’s going on in here.” He pointed to my head, and all I could think was that he should have been pointing to my heart.

“Right.” I forced myself to say out loud what I had been thinking, taking half a step forward as I did so. “I can’t imagine being out in public with you and restraining myself from doing this.”

I shoved him back onto the bed and landed on top of him, finally kissing him the way I’d wanted to since I’d first walked in on him pumping iron at the fire hall, and he’d been talking about blow jobs.

I dropped all my weight on him as we kissed and kissed, but it was awkward with our legs hanging off the bed and the plastic rustling. I wanted to cover him completely, and I couldn’t get the leverage I needed. I lifted my head just enough to say “move up” onto AJ’s lips.

He started to hoist himself but stopped. “No! We’re supposed to be talking!” He went to push me off, but I wouldn’t let him.

“On the bed,” I ordered.

“Huh?”

“Like strip poker. We’ll sit on the bed and spew our feelings, and my reward for opening my heart up to you? I get to ask you to remove one item of clothing for each feeling expressed or problem resolved.”

“Strip therapy?”

I raised my eyebrows. “We’ll make millions. We’ll have to run it by Jamie sometime.” And goddamn it if that didn’t bring one of our problems to the forefront. I climbed off AJ and, plastic rustling as I did so, worked my way to the head of the bed, resting on the wall in a seated position.

AJ sat up too, shaking his head at me as he did so and sitting opposite me in the middle of the bed, cross-legged. “Strip therapy.” He rolled his eyes.

“Me first.”

“Okay.” AJ sounded pleased.

“For those sneakers,” I began, “I’m not ready to come out. Not only because of my parents even though my parents and the notoriety of Dorso Electronics is a big part of it. But what about work, AJ? We can’t be fuck buddies at work.”

“People at the station have dated before, I think. But I told you: we do this at your pace. I won’t tell anyone. Not even Jamie if that’s what you want. Also, don’t you know the rules of strip poker? You get one sneaker.”

He tossed off one shoe.

“For that sweatshirt,” he countered. “Can you please promise to talk to me moving forward? This year has been … horrible for me, not being there for you. I’m here now. Always have been. Please know that.”

I nodded and threw my hoodie to the floor.

“Shoe number two. Did you mean what you said? About us being fuck buddies?” I worked to keep my voice even.

AJ reached down and took off his shoe while he spoke. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes.” I took off a sock, not entirely sure I was telling the truth but knowing I would accept the arrangement if that’s all AJ could give me.

“You’re sure you don’t want to play the field? I mean, look at Josh and his roommate. They’re as bad as you and I used to be, and they get to bang dudes!” He reached for a sock of his own. “If what you want is to be out there … exploring, I would understand that.” I thought I caught a little tremor in his voice.

My second sock flew, and I was glad to be able to get closer to the truth. “I’ve tried to get to that point for the better part of a year, and I’ve failed miserably. What I want is to be with you.”

“Exclusively?” He tossed his shirt.

“Exclusively.” I tossed mine.

“Wait,” he said, and he was off the bed in a flash. He returned with a blanket and a towel and tapped my now-naked foot.

“Up.” I got off the bed.

He flicked the blanket into place, then I crowded him in and put my arms around his bare waist. It was a little chilly in the basement, and he jumped at the cold touch of my hands. I leaned back to look at him, holding him close. We were both down to sweats and underpants. At least I presumed he wasn’t going commando.

He stepped out of my embrace and held his waistband with both hands at his sides. His eyes danced, but his eyelids were heavy.

“I’ll stay in the closet for you, and I’ll be your best friend with benefits, and we’ll figure the rest of it out as we go. Yeah?” He bent and took off his sweats.

I held mine and bent as I spoke. “Yeah,” I breathed. “And I promise to be up front with you and to be exclusive and to figure this out as we go along.”

We stood chest to chest, barely touching, our hands still at our sides. I glanced down when I hooked my thumb in the waistband of my underpants, and his eyes followed. My dick was already half hard and jutting out from my body, and we were so close that it almost met his.

“I have just one last question,” I implored.

AJ looped a finger in his own boxer briefs and licked his lips until they shone. “Ask me anything.”

“Have you really not fooled around since the holidays?”

He nodded. “Longer, now that I think about it.”

“And you’re clean, right? Since our last test?”

“Yes.”

I laughed and nodded. “So we went to get tested together even though neither of us needed to?”

He thought about it and nodded in return.

“So.” It came out a whisper though I hadn’t intended it to. “I’m clean, and I have lube in my backpack, and …” I paused and lowered my boxer briefs. “And I really want you to fuck me.”

Somehow he pulled off his underwear and threw me to the bed in practically one motion. “Fuck, yeah,” he said into my mouth, too busy devouring it to stop. His hands were everywhere as he moved on top of me, and mine found every inch of him I could cover. I opened my legs for him, and his weight dropped even more. Part of my leg was on the plastic, and the rustling noise was ridiculous, but neither of us paid it any mind.

“Need you,” AJ said into my mouth, and I had this crazy instinct to grab his dick and shove it inside me right then and there.

“Lube, now.” I demanded instead.

He jumped up immediately and, my God, his dick! AJ’s dick, my best friend’s dick, was sticking out right in front of me, long and thick and red, a moist bead glistening at the tip.

“New plan,” I muttered as I leaned forward and took it in my mouth, licking and sucking and then slowing down to run my tongue all over it, exploring every ridge and vein. He was so hard. I swirled around the tip as the most beautiful noises came from his mouth. I kept going, gently bobbing up and down, trying to take in more with each glide. I savored the sounds from above and the musky flavor on my lips, but my desire for us to be even gave me the strength to pull off him.

I grasped him instead and slowly pumped from the base as I said, “I want this fucking thing inside of me, AJ. I want you,” I breathed onto his tip.

His eyebrows shot up. “Be right back.”

I jumped up and repositioned the blanket, thinking for a quick second that I should remove the plastic, but I knew it would take too long. I sat up instead and propped my knees up. I had just pressed a finger to my hole when AJ returned, stopping in his tracks in the doorway.

“Show me,” he growled. Then he just stood in the doorframe, and I got very self-conscious for a beat, my hand resting at my hole. But I wanted to do it, and the person I not only trusted the most in the world but wanted the most was there to witness it. We’d shared a lot of truths that day, and I felt like I was sharing one more.

We looked at each other, then he looked back down at my finger. I gave it a tentative push and AJ growled again before tossing the lube to me.

I sat up and dribbled a small amount on my finger, keeping eye contact with my best friend as I did so. He broke it when my finger found my hole again, and I swirled it around. He absolutely stalked to the bed and sat by my leg. For a minute, his hand simply rested on my knee, but as I got more and more adventurous with my finger, he began stroking my leg gently as he watched. I paced my swirls, and then my gentle thrusts, to the time he kept.

Eventually, he repositioned himself so that he was sitting between my legs, bed rustling with his every move. I stopped what I was doing and sat up straight as he kissed the inside of my leg, his hand still brushing the outside. He ended up prone between my legs as his lips brushed my inner thigh and all around the thick hair surrounding my cock. He was dancing around it, driving me crazier than he would have if he were sucking me off.

He hooked his arms underneath me and around to my sides, and his head popped up from between my legs, partially blocked by my dick, which his actions had caused to stand straight up in front of him. His too-long hair was hanging in his face, which flushed a shade of peach I had never seen on him before through hundreds of workouts and emergency calls. His smile was relaxed and infectious. My dick conveniently moved out of the way, leaning of its own accord to lie on my thigh. I could feel the pre-cum dripping off it.

“I did a little research. You know, some guys can come hands-free, just from …” He looked down at my hole.

“Have you ever tried it?” I ventured.

“Never. Have you?”

I nodded, the bed crinkling in agreement, and his eyes went wide as his cheeks turned from peach to a deep coral in front of me. “I’ve been doing some similar research. And I bought a toy.” I didn’t think his eyes could get any wider. “Just a little one,” I hastened to add, and I swear AJ’s eyes were in anime territory. “With a vibrator,” I finished.

“Oh fuck, Jackson. I want this to feel so good for you.” And then: Oh. My. God. Then his tongue was at my hole, licking and kissing and sucking until I was squirming and pliant enough that his tongue thrust in and out.

“I am so fucking hard for you, Jackson. I don’t know if I’m going to last.”

“Do it! Now! Fuck me, AJ!”

“No. You’re not ready.” He sat up on his knees again and stretched a hand out, palm up. In my haze it took me a minute, then I found and handed over the lube. “Let’s get you fucking ready,” he said as he poured lube on two fingers.

“Yes!” He started with one, sliding it in and out until he cautiously added a second. I let out a little hiss when they were lined up inside of me, and he began slowly thrusting. He stopped the motion to look at me, his other hand back to caressing my leg. I nodded slowly, and he shot his eyebrows up. It was a playful move that I’d seen him make before. I’d never realized it could be sexy. I absolutely loved being playful and sexy at the same time. It’s not something I’d ever really had before.

“Let’s find that spot,” he said, and he continued the in-out, slow-motion fuck, moving his fingers slightly with each thrust and stroking me inside. I was rocking along with him, hips thrusting instinctively. The burn I had felt when AJ had first fingered me was gone, and I was feeling nothing but pleasure at being fucked in the ass. Just as I was thinking that I was having the most remarkable experience of my life, fireworks went off in my core, causing me to emit a sound that was half growl, half whine and like nothing I had ever heard before from me or anyone else. And then it happened over and over and over again. And like any good fireworks show it built to a crescendo. I think I heard AJ say, “Found it.” I looked up from my blissed-out state to see him smiling down at me before a twitch of my dick distracted him. It was standing up straight again. AJ made a guttural growling sound of his own and sucked it down, pressing inside me for an extended time now that his focus was elsewhere. I was a squirming, babbling, sweaty mess, half off the blanket and sticking to the plastic, listening to the sounds coming out of AJ’s occupied mouth as I got closer and closer …

“No, baby. Gonna come. Want you inside.” Somewhere in the middle of my plea, AJ popped off. He pulled his two fingers out as well but only momentarily before lubing them up again and gently, slowly inserting three. His pace quickened as he alternated moving in and out with expanding and stretching his fingers, expanding and stretching me to take his cock.

He found the spot again, and we watched my dick twitch once more. “I love your magic spot,” AJ joked.

“You’re so stupid.” We were our old selves for a beat, laughing like two bro dudes at a bar, but need overtook me, or maybe the comfort of that moment overtook me, and I blurted out, “Your fucking cock is gonna love it more.”

He slid out and slicked up, me sitting up a bit to watch him play with himself. He was frenzied while he did it but stopped with a hand on himself, aware of me watching him.

“Are you sure?”

“Never been more sure of anything.”

“Fucking fuck, Jackson.” He was lining himself up. “It’s open for me. It’s so sexy. I’ve never thought … I’ve thought about the tightness and how it will make me feel, but holy fuck, you look so sexy like this, and to know …”

I leaned my head back. I might have loved every word he was saying, but AJ was losing the narrative. “Oh my God, Alexander Jeremy.” His eyes snapped to mine. “Put that fucking thing inside me right now.” He looked down long enough to get into position, and I could feel the brush of him against me.

How did we end up here? crossed my mind, but I kept it to myself as AJ hovered over me, stealing a kiss before pulling back far enough for us to lock eyes as he guided his arousal into my waiting hole.

He had a hand holding him up next to my head, and as his tip found me, the other hand landed on my other side. He brushed my lips, and then we were staring, his deep-brown eyes more intense than I had ever seen them. How was it possible to see him in a new and different way after having known him for five long years?

I rocked my hips tentatively, just once, and I was so well stretched that all I felt was the fullness of it, the rightness of being with him. His eyes lit up in a way that was so familiar yet somehow still new all at the same confusing time.

“Hi.” His eyebrows went up.

“Hi, yourself,” I replied.

“More?”

I nodded, and he slid that much further inside of me. He was obviously being cautious, but I was beyond ready. I moved my hands from his sides to his ass. “Now, baby,” I whispered as I pushed on his glutes.

He slid the rest of the way in, never taking his eyes from me. I could feel the scruffy brush of him against me when he bottomed out, and I grunted then. “So full, so ready.” I hadn’t meant to say it aloud, but the words fell out of my mouth with conviction.

“Oh my god, Jackson. It’s never …” He didn’t finish the sentence.

I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but I realized what an amazing amount of restraint AJ must be harnessing. I kissed him lightly before reaching up to whisper directly into his ear as I tightened my muscles around him and was rewarded with a delicious moan. “Right. Now.”

I’d closed my eyes but could feel him nod against me as he lifted his hips and pulled out to his tip.

“Ugh,” he narrated. Then he slowly did that about three more times, or for an eternity, my hips following along as ingrained instinct instructed them to move with him. His pace picked up stroke by stroke, thrust by thrust, grunt by grunt. The rock of my hips and the beat of my heart kept time with him. And then he lifted up on his arms, taking his face away from me but adjusting his angle in the process, and the fireworks took off for the skies, a finale’s worth with every thrust. I wanted to reach for him, but the angle was the key, so I sought his gaze instead as he hovered above me.

Those eyebrows were buried under his sweaty, flopping bangs, and his eyes were intense, not playful. “Yeah? There?” His words were insistent, like national security depended on the answer.

I moved with him, and with each rise of my hips, I yelled out, “Right. Fucking. There.”

I couldn’t think beyond that until from somewhere between and around the explosions, I heard, “Can you come?” You would think coming would have been the purpose of the frenzy, but I realized as he said it that the moment had taken on so much more. It was about discovery and connection and sensation and him. It wasn’t about having found that spot or being fucked for the first time. It was about AJ having found that spot and AJ fucking me for the first time.

“You,” I gasped on a thrust.

“Together,” he countered.

“Are you ready?” I huffed out, and my inner walls asked the question as well as I bore down on him. He reared his head back and practically screamed his grunt as his orgasm took over, and he pounded into me, hitting and missing the spot, but then he found it again as his movements became tighter, his tip hitting it over and over as I grunted in time with his thrusts. I pulled him to me, my dick hugged tight between our bodies as I lost control, lost sight and sound and all sensation except for that indescribable one. Then I just let go. I let go in a way I had never let myself before, not with any woman. I let go in a way you could only do with someone you trusted. Someone you loved.

He dropped his arms down, splaying them out on either side of us, the plastic rustling with the movement. We breathed each other in like that, him nestled in the crook of my neck as our heavy breathing turned to deep inhales, and our inhales into calming breaths. I felt one of his hands move, and he patted the bed in a few places until his hand was by my ass.

“Are you lying on the plastic?”

“The blanket may have shifted a little.” AJ rose slowly back up onto his arms, and even while the bicep I was staring at looked bigger than my face, I could see it tremble. He slipped out of me slowly, watching my expression the whole time. I could feel a dribble of cum slide down my ass cheeks, and my eyes widened at the sensation.

AJ rose and stood at the foot of the bed, and I could see the moment he saw it, his eyes going big too, tightly focused on my hole.

“We need to get cleaned up before Jamie gets home. And you need to get off that piece of plastic.” He held out his hands, and I sat up, thinking I would slide toward him, but as soon as I was sitting fully, I could feel the burn in my ass, not as strong as the first time I had overeagerly used a toy, but a sensation, a reminder nonetheless. I swung over the side instead, my ass cheek clinging to the plastic until I was standing up. I took the blanket with me and used it to wipe myself off as well as the bed.

I walked past AJ, using the blanket as a towel to capture any more drippage, smiling at him and keeping eye contact as I walked past. “We better hurry and shower up before they get here.”

I led the way, but AJ detoured to grab towels from the hallway closet. I was under the stream when he entered and pulled the curtain back. I stepped back so he could use the stream, but he squeezed in behind me instead, placing a hand between my shoulder blades.

“Stay,” he said. There was an ancient bar of soap that I’d already used once. I soaped up my chest, but AJ reached from behind me and took over. “Are you okay?” he whispered sheepishly into my ear. “I’ve never …”

“AJ, I know you’ve done that before.”

AJ shoved me from behind, and how much more awesome was a bro-dude shove when the dude’s penis slapped you on your ass cheek. “Not what I was going to say. I have done that before, but it’s never been so … intense. I feel like … I’m worried that I …” He stopped rubbing, held me tight, and said into my ear, “Did I go too far?”

I hadn’t realized how much I’d tensed up, waiting for AJ’s confession, until my whole body relaxed. Had I thought he was going to express regret? Of course I did. There was so much about what was happening between us that I couldn't understand. But I understood my caring friend, and I could easily put his mind at ease.

I turned into him and looked up, one hand around his back and one on his chest. I could feel his heartbeat under my fingertips. “I don’t know how to explain it, Aje. My ass, it’s on fire.” A look of concern started to cloud his beautiful features. I pressed on his chest. “But it feels amazing, like this secret reminder that I get to carry with me. Of what we just did. Of you. I feel fucking fantastic, AJ.” It was his turn to visibly relax on a sigh.

“Oh my God, Jackson. I’ve never felt that way before. I was wild. I couldn’t stop myself, chasing that … that feeling I don’t think I could ever describe. But at the same time, knowing the way it was making you crazy, that just made it so much hotter, so much more intense.”

Remembering that we were on a time clock, I turned us around without letting go of him, and he leaned into the shower to wet his head. He turned around and put a hand out. I poured shampoo into it.

“Do you think I can try it sometime?” His eyes were dancing, that new combination of my joking friend and my lusty lover.

“Yeah, I think that can be arranged.”

He stepped back then but not before brushing my lips with a rainy kiss. “I’ll toss the towels and that blanket in the washer, and maybe we should pull the wrappings off the bed.” His eyes climbed up his forehead. “That way Jamie and Devon won't notice that we molested the plastic packaging. Were you terribly uncomfortable? I think I could feel it under my leg, but I was so distracted I couldn’t tell you for sure.”

I shook my head at him, laughing again. “Hardly noticed.”

We got out and rushed around to clear up the evidence of our little tryst, chatting as we started a wash and straightened up the room.

“Hey, I promised Jamie I’d stay for pizza and movie night. Will you stick around? Maybe meet the new roommate?” AJ asked.

Without thinking, and before I really understood why, I blurted out, “No!”

AJ lifted his head from where he was pulling plastic out from the corner of the mattress, looking surprised.

“Sorry, yeah. No?” I said again.

“Jackson …”

“I just …” Needed a second to think. We stood at our opposite corners of the bed, and he waited patiently, giving me my moment. “I just think I’d be too obvious. Around your brother?”

“Jackson …”

“And I’m not ready, AJ. I’m just not ready.”

“Do I have to make you take your shirt off again?” He sat on the bed. “Talk to me.”

“When I’m with you, AJ, this whole year, I’ve had to take a part of how I’m feeling …” A big, humongous, life-changing part, I thought to myself but did not add. I let out a frustrated grunt, unsure how to explain and afraid of saying too much. I dropped down next to him.

“Okay, picture a box. Merrick handed me a box last New Year’s Eve, and I opened it up and let this … this little queer stick figure out. Can we say queer?”

“I think so.”

I held my hand, palm up, toward him and with the other created stick-figure Jackson, who danced around like some seventies diva. I thrusted my dancing hands toward AJ, humming a disco tune. “I didn’t know what to do with him. But when I let him out, he saw things, and thought things, and wanted things, and I don’t know how he could look at you tonight without his eyes bulging out and dropping to the floor right next to his tongue.”

“You’ve got a lot of metaphors and images going on there, buddy. Also, I think we queer dudes use a closet, not a box.” I laughed at his joke, trying to appreciate the levity he was going for.

“We have so much to learn.”

“So much …” he agreed.

We were quiet, and I just knew he was thinking the same as me—about all the things we could learn about each other's bodies. One glance at his glazed-over eyes was proof of that. I pointed a finger at him.

“See! That. Right there. Jamie is a therapist, for God’s sake. Not to mention he’s your brother. He’ll know in two seconds! Can’t we … I need this to be just us. For a little while, while I sort myself out. Please?”

“Jax, yes. I told you we’ll go at your pace. I’m not happy about the thought that we can’t hang out. But we’ll get there. You’re gonna miss Vinny’s pizza and cartoon princesses, though.”

“Oh, man. The only thing better than Vinny’s is watching Jamie when he doesn’t realize he’s singing along to Vera’s movies!”

“Right? I’ll send you a video. I know how you love that song.”

“I do not …” AJ’s glare stopped me from lying. “Okay, yeah. I do love that song. We should have known I wasn’t straight a long time ago!”

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