AJ’s Fire (Hampstead Valley #3)

Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

AJ

All I had wanted was my friend back. Ironically, I had gotten so much more since I’d knocked on the door of his grandparents’ cabin, but when I’d suggested we hang out with my brother and his daughter, something we had done a million times before, Jackson freaked out and took off on me.

I sat on the couch, and it was like the day hadn't happened. I was staring at a bunch of talking heads on the TV screen, debating some recent comment the president had made. I tried to clear my mind from thoughts of Jax by ranking the hotness of the people on the screen. It was really disconcerting that the president was still on the top of the list. How had I never noticed him before? All of a sudden, I really regretted not accepting an invitation from my stepmother years before to attend an event at Hampstead University, where I could have met the man.

While I was busy rating everyone on their attractiveness, all I could really think about was Jackson, and it solidified for me that my feelings for him were so much more important than my newfound discoveries about men. I’d been out with more women than I could count over the years, but I’d never once felt connected to anyone, emotionally or physically, the way I felt about Jackson.

My eyes took in the few pictures hanging on the living room wall. The focal point was a photo from my brother’s wedding. Jamie and Anna had had their ups and downs, but I never for a second doubted my brother’s love for Anna or hers for him.

Looking at that photo, I came to realize that I really had always wanted that same kind of connection. When had I given up on my own happily ever after? Back when I was still young enough to idol worship my older brother, my preadolescent brain had assumed that Anna’s sister, Rose, and I should be together. Our middle school years allayed us both of that notion, and we’d been friends until Jamie’s marriage and Vera made us family.

Had I simply given up after that? Jamie and Anna were so idealized; hell, for that matter, so were my dad and Nat. Even my mother and her husband had a great relationship. All true partnerships, all examples of real love.

How could I have lived up to any of those relationships?

Staring at my smiling brother and his happy wife, I knew in my heart that a real relationship was within my reach. Was I prepared to give up if Jackson pulled away, or if he was never ready, or if he decided that he wanted to keep playing the field? What if he found someone else? I could barely think about any of those options.

I sat there, my body more relaxed and sated than I had ever been, yet my mind a chaotic mess. When I heard the key in the door, I admit I was relieved that Jamie was home, and I would have someone to talk to even if only in the abstract.

“Devon’s not coming home for dinner, Daddy?” was the first thing I heard as my brother and niece walked in the door. I could picture them peeling off coats and shoes in the hallway, and I waited at my place on the couch.

“No, princess, he’s still working.”

Vera emerged in the entryway. “Uncle AJ! Are you staying for dinner? We’re having pizza.” She was climbing on top of me before I could answer. “Can we draw? Or color? Oh, no, I’m going to build a house.”

She clambered off the couch as quickly as she’d climbed on, her father watching her from the entryway.

“Hey. Any issues today?”

Were there issues? That was the question, wasn’t it? My time with Jackson had felt so right, yet when he left I felt as lost and confused as I had for months, so yeah, I thought there were issues. Jamie, of course, was talking about the bed.

“All set up.” A clouded look washed over Jamie’s face. The kind of look he used to have back when Vera’s mother was alive, and he worried that she was overworking herself. That Devon kid, interning at the same firm as Anna, had me worried that it was hitting too close to home for my brother.

Shit, maybe it wasn’t the right time to dump my problems on Jamie. Especially when I thought about what Jackson had said. How could I talk about him and keep it secret at the same time? Jamie knew me too well. He’d see right through that. Jackson and I were just going to have to figure our shit out on our own. It only worried me a little when I thought about the fact that we hadn’t managed to do so in the past five years.

I decided not to even mention that Jax had been there. “Josh’s friend is all set.” There was that look again. “Your new roomie can have the whole floor to himself and be out of your hair.”

“He’s not in my hair,” Jamie said emphatically but also sort of mumbled as he walked toward the kitchen. “You want another beer?”

We had pizza, and as predicted, I was entertained by my brother muttering along to a very dramatic song sung by a cartoon princess while his own little princess played with her building bricks on the carpet.

The two had talked about Josh’s friend incessantly at dinner, but I was no closer to figuring out exactly what was bothering Jamie.

“Uncle AJ, look what Devon made me!” Vera held up a brick-made car before immediately going back to driving it around the carpet.

Jamie tried to brush it off that he and Vera were excited to have a guest in the house that wasn’t a family member, but I asked him how he was feeling and if having Devon there reminded him of Anna’s days working for the same firm. It had been a struggle for Jamie to see his wife be so ambitious and to put in so many hours. The guy staying with them was just some friend of Josh’s, but if it upset Jamie, I wanted to be there for him. When he admitted that it did, I was even more convinced that I didn’t need to burden my brother with my secret. Jamie had worked so hard over the past years to get to a good place. I didn’t want to see him slip.

He was putting Vera on a plane in a few days with her Aunt Rose and would be home alone, except for the new roomie, all week.

“Uncle AJ, Aunt Rose is taking me to Florida.”

“I know, kiddo. You’re going to have so much fun!”

“And Daddy said he would take me to the zoo tomorrow as a special day for just him and me before I go. But you can come if you want.”

I looked at my brother. “The zoo? In the middle of winter?”

“They have indoor exhibits. And the weather’s not going to be too terrible tomorrow.”

“Sounds like a fun day, princess, but I can’t tomorrow. I’ll see you when you get back.”

I thought maybe a new project would be a good focus for Jamie as well as for Jackson and me. Emily had offered financial support for our charity event, and maybe it wasn’t too late to set my brother up with someone. It hadn’t worked out with Ruth, but maybe it would between Jamie and Emily. As an ulterior motive, I figured since Emily knew about Jackson, it might be a safe first outing for us to hang out with her.

Emily and I had texted back and forth and determined that the following Friday was the first day we could get our New Year’s Eve group back together. Since Jackson’s work schedule was the same as my own, I knew he’d be free.

Jamie seemed hesitant at first but eventually agreed that he wouldn’t be a rude host to his temporary roommate by going out on a Friday night. The fact that we were having that conversation on a Friday night, and Devon wasn’t around, was proof of that. Why those points seemed to make Jamie more, not less, concerned confounded me, but at least he’d agreed to join me.

“Maybe Jackson will join us,” I muttered into my beer, not quite able to keep the emotion out of my tone, which made me realize that Jackson’s concerns about us being seen together might not have been unfounded.

Even so, I was excited to get to the station and see Jackson again, ready to try hard and show him that we could act normally in front of our friends and coworkers. He was still my best friend, and despite the fact that everything had changed, really nothing had changed. I was just going to have to convince Jackson of that.

My phone rang as I was walking to the station.

“Hey, Nat.”

“Hi, AJ. I’m worried about your brother.”

“You’re going to have to narrow that down, Nat.”

“Jamison. I’m worried about Jamison. He got Josh’s friend staying with him, and now Vera’s going to Florida.”

“You’re worried about that Devon kid? Why? Should I be worried?”

“No. Devon is perfectly lovely, but he’s very ambitious.”

“Yeah, sounds like he reminds everyone a little bit of Anna. Jamie and I actually talked about that. He’ll be all right, Nat. It’s not like Jamie’s married to the guy; he’s just using the old junk room for a month.”

“Yeah, no, of course not,” Nat agreed, though someone who knew her well might think her tone was a bit sarcastic. I decided I must have imagined it, or that the noise of the city street had drowned out any subtlety in Nat’s voice. I continued to be reassuring. “Vera seems to adore the guy, and I think Jamie actually likes having him around. I was with them last night, but with Vera gone for the week, I’ll make sure to check in on him. Make sure he’s okay.”

“Thank you, AJ. And how have you been? Did you boys have fun on New Year's Eve?”

“New Year’s Eve was … interesting.”

“You know I’m not asking about your … antics.”

“My antics?” I could feel my eyebrows raise in humor. “So you weren’t asking if I’d hooked …”

“Alexander Jeremy!”

Laughing, I continued, “We had a nice time. Jackson’s friends joined us, and they’re going to help us with this charity event for a local LGBT+ shelter that’s down the block from the station.”

“Oh, that sounds interesting. And your dates?”

“There’s the Nat I know and love! They’re just friends of Jackson’s, they weren’t really dates. I thought maybe Jamie would hit it off with one of the women, but it doesn’t seem like it. We had a nice time, though. As a group.”

“Good,” I thought I heard her say, but then she laughed into the phone and clearly said, “You sound like a teenager. Just friends , hanging out as a group . You know, AJ, it might be time for you, and maybe even Jamie, to think about settling down.”

“Nat …” I chastised her like I always did when she tried to lecture me about my wild ways. But for once, her words cut close.

“I know, I know. My wild child needs to run into burning buildings and to run free.”

I had arrived at the station, and it was a bit cold, but I leaned against the bricks of the building and stayed outside to continue my talk with Nat in private.

“I don’t know, Nat. Maybe, maybe I am getting a little old for all that. The part about the women, not the part about running into burning buildings. I love my job.”

“Oh, AJ, that’s amazing! I have this grad student …”

“Nat! You’re unbelievable! You didn’t even wait for me to take a breath. I don’t need to be set up.”

“You don’t?” Yeah, I walked right into that one.

“Certainly not with someone from HU. I live in New York City, Nat.”

“Oh, well, she’s a student, she’s not going to stay in Hampstead forever.”

“Nat. I’m gonna need you to promise not to try and set me, or Jamie for that matter, up with someone. I think he’ll be in a good place, maybe, once we get past all this Welling Financial bullshit. I’ll focus on him, and who knows, maybe someday one of us will find our Perennial Synergies .”

“Your father’s book isn’t all about me.”

“No, just the entire section that he titled “The Love Poems . ”

Natalie sighed and ignored my comment. “I worry about you boys.”

“I worry about him too, Nat. But he’s doing great. Vera’s doing great. I’m …” I looked up. Don’t know why, but it was like I could just sense him and sure enough, Jackson was striding down the sidewalk, earbuds in, his hands shoved in his FDNY-issued winter coat, his head down, fighting the wind. Just seeing him made my entire face light up. Hell, my whole body was smiling at him, screaming for him. “I’m doing okay, too, Nat. Maybe better than okay.”

“Does that mean you’ve met someone too?”

“Too? Which one of your kids is dating? Certainly not Josh or Vance. Is it …”

“Not ‘too.’ Forget I said that. You want to tell me more?”

“You know, Nat, I kinda do. But it’s early days, and I promised to keep it quiet.”

“Okay, AJ. Whenever you're ready, or whenever you need someone to talk to, you know I’m always here.”

“I do, Nat.” I really did.

“I’ll let you go. Love you.”

“Love you too,” I said distractedly, looking right at Jackson as he got closer and lifted his head. His eyes went wide, having heard me over the sound of the music blaring from his earphones.

“Bye, Nat,” I made a point of saying before hanging up the phone.

As bright as my smile shone, Jackson’s frown equaled it. He nodded tensely at me as he took his earbuds out.

“Talking to your stepmom?”

“Yeah, she’s worried about Jamie.”

“It’s going okay, though, right? With the roommate and with Vera leaving?” Jackson's tone and face showed his concern for Jamie, and that swooping feeling washed over me. I felt so drawn to him. He had to feel it too. I reached out my hand and grasped his forearm through the heavy jacket, hoping a simple squeeze could convey my feelings.

“We talked a little about how that guy is working at the same place Anna did, and how that’s got him a little weirded out, but I think he’ll be okay.” Hand still on Jackson’s arm, I leaned in. “I hope the guy likes his new bed. Probably a lot more comfortable without the plastic.”

Jackson yanked his arm away and shoved it back into his jacket pocket. “That right there, AJ. It might as well be a neon sign.” He might have had a point since my damn smile felt like it could light up the whole neighborhood.

“Okay, okay. I promise I’ll be good if I can come home with you after shift tomorrow. Stay the night?”

“You’ll be good?”

“I’ll be good today. I can’t promise what I’ll be tomorrow.” I turned and entered the fire hall, sensing Jackson behind me, and then we ran into Darren.

“If it isn’t Tweedle …” He smirked.

“I love how this guy thinks he can call us dumb and dumber when we’re on shift with the likes of him. Who’s cooking tonight, Darren? Isn’t it your turn? Shouldn’t you be in the kitchen?” I teased him right back.

“B Shift left a mountain of stew. We’re good.”

“How do you always get out of cooking?” It was nice to hear the lightness in Jackson’s voice.

“Oh, I know! B Shift has had his cooking before,” I teased. “Pretty sure they took pity on us and rescued us with leftovers,” I contributed as I headed to the lockers to stow my gear. Jackson did the same, and the banter continued among members of the crew. It was a perfectly regular start to a shift except everything felt different to me. New. Exciting. Jackson had to feel it too. Even if he was hesitant, he had to feel the energy pulsing through my body like lights flashing atop our rig.

“We’re gonna watch a movie,” Darren informed us. “It’s LT’s turn to pick. Some of us suggested a nice rom-com, but she’s queuing up some new horror movie. You two heading to the gym or joining us in the lounge?”

“Lounge,” we said simultaneously, and my stomach danced.

“Cool,” Darren said, heading in that direction and raising his voice as he entered the lounge. “But LT, this other one has Julia Roberts,” he whined. “Don’t you want to watch Julia Roberts fall in love instead of a bunch of teenagers getting their heads cut off?”

“Has he met Freeda?” I said at the same time Jackson muttered, “Not fucking likely.” I caught his eye, and for a brief, wonderful second I felt it. I felt the usual connection we would have had teasing a teammate, but I felt the ‘more’ too. The fire and the passion and the need to be connected.

Then it was gone, and all I got out of him was a soft smile.

“You hungry, Jax?”

“I could eat.”

“Go grab our seats. I’ll bring you a bowl.”

“Thanks, man,” he muttered, but then as if he’d turned on a light switch, he was all jovial frivolity as he entered the lounge. “Hey, do we know who cooked the stew? Because Jenna is the Darren of their shift, and that might be the reason there are leftovers. My phone is at the ready if we need to order pizza.”

I played along from the kitchen. “Smells fucking good in here. You go ahead and order pizza; just means more stew for me.”

Unless there was a call, there was less to do when we worked nights, so the lounge was full when I entered. The thing was, even when the lounge was full, everyone knew that Jackson would be holding a seat for his best buddy, so there was just enough room for me to share the couch between Jackson and Freeda.

“For you, Probie.” I bowed awkwardly before handing Jackson his bowl, our fingers brushing as he sat up and drew it carefully to himself. He inhaled a deep breath, taking in the food but maybe centering himself as well. He commented as I sat next to him, “Definitely not Jenna’s work, then.”

I got situated, heavy boots on the coffee table between Freeda and Jackson, and took a bite. “Definitely not,” I muttered, my mouth full. When Jackson shared a small smile with me, it was like night turning to day all around me. How did the whole world not know how I was feeling? How was I ever going to hide it? I had practically wanted to shout it out to Nat after one innocuous phone call.

Freeda brought me back to reality. “I actually want to watch this fucking movie, so if you two are going to be talking about your conquests all night, you can fuck on off somewhere.”

Jackson leaned over me to look at Freeda quizzically as I responded, “We were talking about the stew. I can go and get you some if you’d like. Wouldn’t want you to miss the opening scenes.”

“Nah, my wife traveled in with me, and we had Vinny’s right before shift. I’m good. And I know you’re talking about dinner now . But I also fucking know the two of you, and all you ever talk about is pu …”

“That’s not all we talk about!” I knew the lieutenant was joking with us, it’s what we always did, especially during downtime at the start of a long shift. But I felt this strong desire to let her know that my relationship with Jackson ran deeper than she was giving us credit for. Part of me knew it was exactly what Jackson was nervous about, but a part of me couldn’t help it.

They were glaring at me from both sides, and I had never been more thankful for a stupid slasher movie to begin.

And yeah, the movie was terrible and not my cup of tea, but what made it the longest shift ever was my awareness of Jackson the entire time. Even in the bunks overnight, I fucking dreamed about him. Stupid shit drifted in my mind like clouds. The two of us watching a movie, us eating pizza, us dressed in tuxedos, holding hands while our families beamed. That’s the image that woke me up so fast I bolted upright and almost hit my head on the bunk bed above me. You’d have thought I’d had some slasher-movie nightmare, not the most peaceful, romantic, meandering dream ever.

I stormed out of the sleeping quarters and directly into the gym. You can be sure I heard about it from the crew the next morning.

“That movie too intense for you, Gordon? You can pick the cartoon we watch next.”

As I pushed my legs to the limit I grunted out, “What happened to Julia Roberts?”

Jackson avoided me most of the day, which seemed to me to make it just as obvious that something was up as it would have been if I’d chased him around with hearts in my eyes, but I made sure we arrived at our lockers at the same time when the shift ended twenty-four hours after we’d arrived.

“You guys have big plans tonight?” Darren asked, and poor Jackson looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Nah, we’re still recovering from New Year’s Eve. Plans later in the week, though,” I added, looking at Jackson as I said what I figured he'd want me to. “Couple girls that Jackson knows.” I hated the innuendo in my voice. “Do you and Merrick want to join us?”

“No, thank you. Bro-dude beers while watching you two hit on women is not my idea of a fun night out.”

“Speak for yourself,” I retorted.

Jackson was already heading for the exit, and I rushed to catch up, giving Darren a quick wave.

“I already called in an order to the Chinese place on your block. We can grab it on our way. We walking, or do you want to grab a ride?”

“Let’s walk,” Jackson grunted, and that was the extent of the conversation until we reached his condo.