Alamort

46. Priya

W ith each step towards the evening festivities, the cold becomes more pronounced, causing a tingling sensation on my exposed skin. The air crackles with an electric energy, making me restless and jittery. Nothing can touch me right now. Ignoring Oscar’s offensive comments about my outfit and the judgmental stares from other girls, I carried on with my head held high, eyes straight forward.

River talks animatedly, painting a vivid picture of elaborate costumes and spooky festivities of previous Halloweens. Her attire is reminiscent of a broken doll, with frayed edges and cracked porcelain makeup. The short, tight black dress and a white-collar clings to her curves. By applying white eyeliner on her waterline, her eyes take on a larger, doll-like appearance. The attention to detail in her costume was clear in the realistic cracks she painted onto her forehead and cheek. She said it will light up under the black light like the sky on Fourth of July. I misunderstood the assignment for tonight. All of her make up will light up, while mine is invisible until I’m under the black light.

A red and white stripped tent dominates the once wide-open center of the campus appeared to be held down by fairy lights that connect at the top. We enter under a dilapidated, flickering sign that reads “CARNEVIL,” casting a wicked glow. With the lights missing in the first four letters, the word “Evil” is more conspicuous and eye-catching. Circus Psycho by Diggy Graves is playing somewhere from the middle overlapping with regular carnival music that cuts out now and then. It’s giving horror movie vibes.

Carnival workers are dressed in orange jail jumpsuits with prison numbers on the arm, wandering around. Based on their appearance, it seems like they focused their decorating efforts on their head and above. The lack of budget restrictions allowed the student body to fully express themselves through provocative or scary costumes.

There is so much going on, I don’t know where to look first. My mind is numb as I try to soak in my last night here. Some rides make me pause because they seem as weathered as the sign we entered through, producing creaks and groans with every twist. The combination of cotton candy, deep-fried foods, alcohol, and perfume created a sensory overload as their scents mix. Black lights, dangling from every angle, bathe the designated party area in a surreal glow, accentuating the food and game booths. River was accurate in stating that she would be glowing. Her eyeliner, lashes, and previously unseen cracks on her body are all neon in the light.

“Whoa. I have to say I’m a little impressed.” She says as she stares at the now visible white black light makeup I drew on.

River attempts to break away from me, but I hold tight to her arm. She slows down long enough to ask if I’m okay. And I am. I’ve never felt better than I do right now, knowing what’s coming by the end of the night.

“It’s just a lot.”

She graces me with a small smile and pulls me closer. It’s so crowded that if River were to be two steps ahead of me, the hoards of people surrounding us would swallow her. I’m not saying we’d be kidnapped but, I would kidnap River if I was a weirdo. She’s cute and innocent, people are drawn to that. A fog machine completely obscures the ground in front of us, making it impossible to see our own feet.

“Have you ever had a funnel cake?”

When I don’t answer, she rolls her eyes and tosses her head back while dragging me to a dirty-looking booth. The woman behind the table is wearing a zombie costume. The black 3D voids on her face and sketched teeth appear vividly under the lights. River orders for us. I watch with my mouth agape at her pouring batter into a deep fryer. My mouth waters, it smells so delicious, but the calories… I stop myself before I dig myself into a hole I can’t get out of.

Tonight. I can do whatever I want. Be whoever I want. Eat whatever the fuck I want. To distract myself, I force down the bile that threatens to surface and take another moment to observe around me. Spread out around us are various attractions, and one in particular catches my eye. It has the appearance of a colossal devil, with Venetian masks adoring its entrance. The chipped paint on the masks adds an aged and enigmatic charm, while the menacing fangs from the top and bottom give a sense of foreboding. Just next to it, there’s the Mirror of Horror’s, and a little further, a haunted house.

The booth beside us is providing tarot card readings.

“The main tent is closed until 11:30, so that leaves us with about an hour to explore. Where should we go first?” She says through a mouthful of food. I’m like a deer caught in headlights. Someone has to decide for me. My eyes pinball from one place and person to the next.

“Um…”

“How about we start with a reading? It’s all bullshit, but it could be fun?” Without waiting for an answer, she drags me with, standing in line. There’s only one person in front of her. Lily, the girl I helped in the gym locker room, and then she proceeded to cut up my clothes.

River’s eyes narrow, shooting her a venomous glare while her nails dig into my arm. I don’t think there’s been a moment up until now she’s been alone. There’s always someone with her or when she catches sight of us, she scurries away. I wouldn’t want to be Lily right now.

She’s dressed up as a kitten. The light from the front of the dark tent makes her nose and drawn on whiskers stand out. The leather bodysuit she wears fits her tightly, and her knee-high boots with platforms make her taller than River by at least 5 inches. To say River is not intimidated would be an understatement.

“Bitch,” River says under her breath as the tarot reader calls for the next person. There’s a sign near the tent flap that says, “One At A Time”. River sees it the same time as I do and cringes.

“We could go somewhere else?” She offers. I’m not going to rain on her parade. I’ll find something else to do while she gets the reading. There’s not much a tarot reading could tell me about my short, bleak future that I haven’t already made a decision on. It would be pointless.

“It’s fine. We can meet up at the Devil’s mouth when you’re done? I’ll go get a lemonade or something.” She bites her lip, looking at the tent, then behind me where I offered to meet her when she was done.

“Next!” a high-pitched voice yells when a crying Lily rushes out. What the hell happened in there? It looks like the reader killed her cat with the way she’s crying.

“Okay, but you better be there.” She tacks on a “please” before disappearing into the hole of the tent.

I take my time meandering through the large mass of people and enjoying the fresh air. Until a whiff of tobacco hits me in the face, causing me to gag. Fresh-ish air. With each step, the refreshing breeze against my face is a stark contrast to the suffocating fumes of secondhand smoke.

I wonder what death will be like. I’ve thought of a couple of ways to go out. Weighing the pros and cons of each. The only acceptable way would be to suffer as much as my sister did.

As long as I’ve been alive, I’ve been fighting for something. Acceptance, love, happiness, surviving another day. It’s freeing to finally be done. No more conflict. Whatever awaits me on the other side has to be better than this. It isn’t just the Demons. It’s the constant fear and guilt that hovers above my head. That isn’t living.

“Miss?” A hand waves in front of my face. I blink at the carnie, the sounds of laughter and creepy carnival music filters through my haze. “Go on. Or get out of the way. You’re holding up the line.” His costume is simple, only a clown mask.

“Oh, sorry. I don’t have any money on me.” I murmur and feign searching my non-existent pockets, restricted by the tight corset, attempting to leave the line that I’m holding back. He huffs and crosses his arms.

“It’s all paid for. Everything is free tonight, courtesy of the school's founder.” Then I’m being shoved forward into the mouth by the people complaining behind me. Throwing a look over my shoulder, hoping to catch River so she knows I didn’t ditch her, I’m swallowed whole by the Devil. It’s a lot more imposing up close, the teeth extended canines of it are about the length of my body. Some areas of the white teeth have chipped away, revealing the faded pink color that was once a vibrant red. As I walk, the floor feels uneven, the tongue of the devil sinking beneath my heels. The walls have a rippled effect, causing me and others to stumble occasionally. It’s like walking up a set of stairs, miscounting and stepping on air. The lights cut off and ear-piercing screams sound out around me.