All About You

Twenty Three

W hen I finally see Kiara and Diane after the long weekend on Tuesday morning, it feels as though a lot has transpired since I last saw them.

Kiara and Riley spent most of the weekend together, with their relationship progressing much faster than all of us had thought, with Riley sleeping over at Kiara’s place on Sunday night. Diane and I squeal at the news, yet something deeper within me is plagued by envy.

Kiara and Riley’s relationship follows almost a similar timeline as mine, having both met in the first week of film school. I remind myself that they’ve had more opportunity to interact together, sharing quite a few classes. Still, Riley didn’t lose any time in asking Kiara out, once they both realised they reciprocated each other’s attraction and feelings.

When Kiara asks me how things are going with Rafayel during lunch, I’m once again reluctant. Ria and Marlon’s reactions have lowered my enthusiasm around the entire thing, and while Rafayel and I have been chatting more consistently, the insecurities have been eating at me.

Messaging with him feels stagnant, stuck. He recycles the same compliments, the same pet names, though it’s beginning to leave a sour taste, rather than cause butterflies as it once did. I eventually show them the texts as I did for Ria and Marlon.

The last text from him had been haha lol in response to my complaints about the upcoming uni week. What do I even respond to a haha lol ?

“Well, I mean, he’s definitely flirty, meaning he’s into you. How come you don’t look happy about it?”

Diane hands me back my phone, expression unreadable. I shrug, pocketing the phone into my overalls.

“I mean, I don’t know. It’s just, it doesn’t feel like I’m connecting with him?”

“It’s only been a couple weeks though,” Kiara points out, but I know she’s only saying that to make me feel better.

When I met Kiara and Diane, it didn’t take long for me to get along with them. In fact, we clicked immediately.

The same with Kiara and Riley. From the moment they interacted during class, Kiara professed it to be immediate fireworks, that just grew stronger with each passing second they spent together.

Was I suddenly crazy for wanting this with Rafayel?

When we’d see each other at the bookstore, in person, I never felt this sense of disconnect. Our fleeting conversations always ignited this desire in me to learn more and more. Yet, now that we’d made the next step, it’s like all such sparks were dissipating.

“I just don’t feel like he’s trying to make an effort to get to know me,” I explain, “I want him to ask me how my day has been. I want him to ask more questions about the book I’m reading, my assignments, my interests.”

“Maybe he’s better at that in person,” Kiara reasons.

“And all of that comes with time,” Diane adds.

A gnawing, uneasy sensation fills my body at the thought of Rafayel, a complete whiplash from just a couple of weeks ago when I was kicking my feet, blushing at the thought of his replies.

How could I change what I feel so quickly?

My brain turns both their words over and over in my brain, as I contemplate whether she’s right.

There are people who better express themselves in person, and that doesn’t have to be a testament to who they are. Rafayel may be like that.

Yet, really, I don’t know who Rafayel is.

That night, Cheyenne texts me. Her and her family are currently visiting Nha Trang, a coastal city in Southern Vietnam, where her reception has been gradually getting better.

We call for an hour or so when I’m tucked into bed, and unlike the others, I instantly pour out everything I’d been feeling about Rafayel. I send her screenshots, so she can see the evidence firsthand.

“You’ve always romanticised everyone you’ve ever crushed on, Jaslene,” she tells me, softly, after I’d completed my long rant, “Remember when you thought Steven was the love of your life, even after he humiliated you in front of everyone?”

I wince at the memory. God, was I always that cringey? That naive?

“The point is, you see the beauty in everything, and it’s one of my favourite parts about you. But it can blind you too, Jaslene. And right now, I agree with Ria, Marlon, and your friends. I don’t know Rafayel’s intentions, but you deserve to be with someone who never has you doubting yourself. You deserve someone who gives their 100%. That might not mean it has to be the perfect romance you’ve dreamt of, or it may not unfold in the way you’ve always wanted. But perfect on paper doesn’t mean they’ll love you as you deserve.”

After I bid Cheyenne goodnight, I curl underneath my blanket, stomach churning as her words wash over me. A hint of a cramp dawns on my pelvis, and I groan at the impending period.

Could that be why I was feeling so emotionally unstable? Was it all just because of my periods?

I can’t blame everything on just my periods though.

Before I close my eyes, my phone buzzes. It’s not Rafayel, but Marlon.

1 attachment.

I click the message. It’s a sketch of Jungkook. The giggle that escapes my lips is a relief to the tension my body has been feeling over the past few days.

In a twist that I would have never predicted, Marlon is the one who makes me go to sleep smiling.

Before I dip into unconsciousness, I can’t help but think that Marlon is far from being perfect on paper.

Yet, maybe that’s not a bad thing.