All You Want for the Holidays (Home for the Holidays)

6. Inari

Chapter 6

Inari

S ome god out there must be playing the biggest joke of their existence on me.

It was already weird enough to be paired with Perrin for an exclusive and highly sought after residency, weirder that she wanted to be friends again, and the worst that she doesn’t seem to have dropped her unintentional flirtatious mannerisms.

Now I’m wondering stupid things like: am I the only one she acts this way too? Does it mean anything that she’s doing this? How does she feel when she looks at me? It’s all so high school. This isn’t the first time I’ve asked myself these questions and knowing how things are going, this won’t be the last time.

If we were just going to see each other again after all this time, and if it was all going to be the same as it was before, then what were the last few years apart for? What was the point of pulling away?

Loving women is a gift. Loving Perrin is a curse. Not that I still loved her. I had spent my uni days getting over that failed pursuit and certainly had no feelings returning just because Perrin was being sweet, and a good cook, and obliviously cute—

My inner turmoil is no excuse for a lack of writing. So, when the morning of Christmas Eve comes around, I grab my laptop and head downstairs to the living room. It’s festive, I tell myself, to sit in the same room as a Christmas tree to write.

This room smells like a second-hand bookstore with an underlayer of strawberry. The couch is perfectly soft and firm, and has the right amount of depth that I don’t feel like I’m falling off or going to sink into the cushions. It’s like being at a grandparent’s house filled with childhood memories and jars of lollies.

I connect my laptop to the speaker sitting in the entertainment unit across from me, putting on a playlist of “top Aussie Christmas hits”. Mariah Carey comes on first, of course, because her song knows no geographic bounds.

Having ended my last writing session midway through a chapter, starting again is the slightest bit easier. I cross my legs on the couch and balance my laptop in my lap. I start getting into the groove within three paragraphs and the scene comes to life in my mind’s eye, playing like a well-produced and well-funded movie.

The protagonist confronts their journey’s companion about their betrayal. Weapons are drawn. Rain pours down upon them. Lightning strikes across the sky. My heart beats in time with the main character’s. My mind hops from one character’s thoughts to another. Elements foreshadowed chapters ago return in their full light here.

My fingers dance across the keyboard like a pianist performing their signature piece. The words fall into place on the screen. The protagonist’s legs buckle and they fall to their knees.

And then the music stops.

I look up. Perrin has come downstairs and hit pause on the speaker.

I narrow my eyes at her, genuinely confused and slightly peeved as to why she felt the need to interrupt what I was doing. She looks back at me, nervously threading her fingers between each other before stepping closer. She lingers on the other side of the coffee table, seeming unsure whether to come around or to stay where she is. My irritation, in the silence that passes, fizzles into plain confusion.

“Is everything okay?” I ask her, putting my laptop on a pillow by my side. My mind is quick to create a checklist— Breakfast? That was fine. Coming downstairs to work? No issues there but that doesn’t explain anything. Concerns about her work again? That would be fine but… I have my writing to focus on too.

“The beach, tonight!” Perrin blurts out, her cheeks bright red within a second. I stare at her, dumbfounded. She covers her face with her hands. This is the most times I’ve ever seen her do that.

“Right, the beach…” I repeat with a tentative laugh, trying to connect what she’s saying. Was something happening at the beach? Did she want to go later?

“The beach…” she squeaks out, bringing her hands into fists at her side. I become awfully aware of how much effort she’s putting into looking at me as she speaks. “There’s a bonfire, a party, starting before sunset. Thalia told me about it. It won’t be huge but it’s an open invitation to anyone in town—” She takes a deep breath after speaking too fast.

“Oh really? Will Miss Ainsworth be there too?”

Perrin nods.

“That’s a fun way to celebrate Christmas Eve,” I say. I’m somewhat glad that I panicked for no reason. She just wanted to tell me about her plans for tonight.

Perrin shakes her head and then comes around the table, backing up into the couch and falling upon it like a starfish. It looks like she’ll slide onto the floor at any moment.

“Inari, I would like to go to the bonfire tonight, with you. I think it’d be good to get out of the house and… spend more time together.” She says that last part so very quietly that my mind plays it over and over again. Spend more time together?

“Why?” I ask sharply. As much as my heart sings for something as sweet as a night at the beach, it couldn’t be like that with Perrin. I have to stop myself from getting carried away by getting the exact details.

She tilts her head at me. I fight off the signals telling me it is an adorable gesture by crossing my arm.

“To make up for your help yesterday?”

“That sounds more like a question than an answer.” My brows furrow as I work through the implications. “And that would be more for you than me again, wouldn’t it?”

She mirrors my crossed arms and huffs, forcing herself to sink into the large couch cushion. “I know you aren’t saying that yesterday was a waste of your time, but it feels that way.”

I wait for her to follow up on that, to make a joke, or turn around with that bold smile of hers. But she doesn’t. I’m meant to take her words as they are, not like some banter or passing comment.

At these times, I know it’s best to try not to explain in detail why I answered the way I did (I would never think Perrin wasted my time, though I am conscious of the limited time we have for our projects) . Instead, I should be acknowledging where her hurt is. There was no point in sacrificing my time to help her out if I was going to be resentful of it.

“No, of course it wasn’t.” I shut my laptop lid to show her that I’m paying her my full attention. “I really liked it, actually.” Somehow it made me feel closer to you, but I can’t let the feeling get away from me. Still, it would be wrong to deny that: “It was good to spend time with you.”

The corners of her lips perk up but she doesn’t quite look at me. She stares at her fingers as she continues to intertwine them. A tiny part of me, pushed all the way down years ago, is tempted to reach out and hold her hand still, to be a comfort to her like I used to be. But gestures like that have far too much meaning now.

“Oh, good,” she says with a nervous chuckle.

We sit there in silence for several moments. I tap my hands on my knees. I know for sure that she has more to say this time.

“So…” She draws the word out, still putting her thoughts together. When she’s ready, she whips around to me with renewed vigour. “The bonfire party. Will you go with me? It would be… weird to not go with my residency partner, you know? It’s part of the experience.”

Well, there was no arguing that. Plus if Miss Ainsworth was going to be there, I wouldn’t want to wake up to a myriad of texts from her wondering where I was.

“What time does it start?” I ask.

“There’s no proper start time—” Perrin says. I wince but she continues, “They say we can arrive from 6pm and they’ll start taking numbers for a group dinner order at 7:30pm.”

“Okay, let’s arrive at 7pm,” I suggest, for a bit of balance between starting time and dinner time. While I didn’t want to arrive ‘late’, I also wasn’t confident in turning up too early.

“Yes! Let’s do that!” Perrin hops up from the couch and claps her hands together. She turns to me with that big smile. “It’s a date.”

She rushes back upstairs, leaving me dumbfounded once again.

Perrin leaves the villa after lunch. It isn’t just to the hedge garden this time; I can hear the hum of an engine in the driveway from my spot on the couch and then a car pulling away.

I grab my phone from the armrest after a few minutes of speculating to no avail.

Hi, is everything okay?

Why did you leave?

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

yes!!! don’t you worry yourself! get those words in soldier :muscle:

Where are you going though?

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

i just need something from the shops quickly so i’ll be back sooooonnn~

I’m not sure if I’m just making things up but Perrin has been acting unusually today. Is it because it’s Christmas Eve?

I can admit that it’s strange to experience Christmas like this. A typical Christmas at home is stressing over presents, navigating last-minute changes, preparing big dinners, and arguing over who’s doing what. It’s also the occasion of announcing life-changing news, whether good or bad—more often than not depending on the audience rather than the news. On top of all that, I would be sharing a noisy, crowded living space with immediate and extended family.

Sitting here alone in this beautiful house, expecting only Perrin to walk through the front door, while working on my novel with no one to tell me to do otherwise—it almost feels anti-Christmas. Everything feels so easy here.

Except for the things I make harder for myself.

During a break from writing, I find myself searching the internet in an incognito tab ‘how do I know if someone asked me out on a date?’ .

Because if there’s one thing that Perrin does cause me stress over, it’s her well meaning actions that I can’t differentiate from romantic intentions. And as much as I don’t want to discount her acts of friendship, I can’t comprehend how she can nervously ask me to go to a party with her, blushing and all, without it being an actual date.

Is my thinking as misguided as it was in high school? Am I making things up because it’s been just the two of us? Am I leading myself into another heartbreak even though I don’t like her in that way anymore?

What will I do if this is a date?

The search comes up with a few definitions of what a date is, such as a formally dressed outing to a restaurant, or going to the movies (but with the disclaimer that friends also do this). Not far down at all comes the answer ‘if he likes you, he will consistently make an effort to see you.’ . Well, that wasn’t very applicable.

I add ‘reddit’ to the end of my query. Better aligned questions and answers pop up. Unfortunately, there is also a reality-check among them—‘ I think I’ve been asked out by a friend but I don't want to misinterpret it and mess things up’ .

I give up on my search. I don’t have to worry so much if I don’t want it to be a date. With my track record of misinterpretations, it is safe to assume this is a normal outing because, as Perrin told right to my face, it would be wrong to not go together as residency partners.

My phone pings as I close the tab.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

you still like mango right?

Yes. In fact, we ate some mango yesterday and it was great.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

oh you’re sooo right… oops, I forgot

Why do you ask? You don’t need to buy any mango. We have plenty here.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

i said don’tworry right :))

Your insistence on me not worrying and the use of your smiley faces makes me more inclined to feel worried.

She takes a little while to respond. I watch the floating dots in the bottom left corner. At one point, the dots stop moving and I wonder if I should get back to writing. Then, they start again right as I put my phone down. Eventually, my phone pings with a response.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

ive missed the funny way you text

It isn’t meant to be funny. It’s just the way I text

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

ive never met anyone else who texts the way you do

should I start texting like you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

i do NOT use that many exclamations marks nari!!

Well, that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

are you okay with me using it……?

you can tell me if you dont like it,,

It’s my turn to take my time replying. I type out a few responses:

Please don’t call me that. It reminds me of being in love; Yes, that’s okay. It’s just a nickname; I’d really like it if you called me that but I don’t want to repeat what happened; You stopped calling me Nari after I confessed.

I finally settle on a reply after what feels like far too long.

You were the first person who called me that, just like I was the first to make that joke at the flying fox. So, by that rule, the name is yours to use.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

ahahah :) no take backsies…

We text for a little while longer. Our exchanges of wit and banter pull me in; texting Perrin is as easy as it was during high school. I laugh at the way she bounces around in conversation. She tells me about her trip to the shops—the local dog pack with the biggest dog she’s ever seen, cardboard cutouts of a winter Santa and a summer Santa in front of a souvenir shop, a tiny one-room museum of tiny paintings—everything except for what she actually went there to buy. I wonder if she’s out getting a Christmas present. Secretive shopping trips on Christmas Eve typically constitute that. Is it enough of a possibility that I should consider getting Perrin a present as well?

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

hey i also wanted to say something

it’s a little weird to say it by text coz i’m on the way back already but

i never had the chance to say it before you left

Left?

My phone tingles against my fingertips and anticipation numbs my arms. What kind of something does Perrin want to say with such build up? This was either going to be really good or really bad.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

at the lockers

when we said goodbye at the end of high school i guess. when you said you didn’t think we could be friends anymore

when you walked away, i didn’t really get to say anything.

The melancholy in her words spear through me, hoisting me up on its sharp blade and tossing me into the past.

I thought our final day had hurt me the most, almost as badly as the day I confessed and she pushed me away. We had less than two years until high school was over after that. I know we tried to patch things up, to be normal, but it wasn’t enough. The only question is, was it just not enough for me ? Did I make a choice thinking it was better for the two of us when it only protected my fragile heart?

My fingers shake as I send the next message.

I remember. What do you want to say?

I can’t help the feeling that her next words could potentially dismantle our friendship again. That her words that have been brewing since high school will hold too much regret for me to handle. If this all goes wrong, I’d run away before I could ever face her again.

She types for a long time. Longer than before. It’s excruciating. I place the phone face up on the coffee table and pace around to expend my nervous energy. I try to sit down with my laptop to get some writing done but I can’t. Not when my mind is so focused on Perrin. It’s a horrific contrast from how words used to come so smoothly when inspired by Perrin.

I wonder if I should sit here and watch the phone so I don’t miss anything. Or if I should distract myself in the kitchen with fruit and snacks and cake.

I end up doing a bit of both. A small chocolate bar from the kitchen accompanies me as I continue to stare at the conversation that isn’t moving. How could it be that I was more anxious when Perrin wasn’t even in the villa with me?

After a long, long time of more chocolate and pacing around, Perrin sends three new messages that cover the entire height of our chat and more. I dive for the phone and cradle it in both hands as I read.

Perrin Pavlou (Sunlit Roommate)

Inari, when I watched you walk away from me that afternoon, I didn’t know what to feel…. I think I felt fear at first which was really weird. I was scared of what it’d be like to not have you as my closest friend for the rest of my life. Which is a big thing to think about as an 18 year old but I mean it. Then I was angry. I didn’t know what I did wrong, I thought everything was okay. I’m a little bit worried that you might walk away again even though we’ve been having fun. Then I was sad. You were gone from my life. I had no way to contact you and I knew that you wouldn’t want me to reach out. You were going to be better off without me. But that’s not what this is about. And I truly don’t want this message to upset you. I just want you to know my thoughts because it would be dishonest to say that everything was okay. What I really wanna say is this:

I realised last night, how kind you actually were and are to me. I kinda expected that, maybe, this residency wasn’t going to be all that good because we weren’t going to get along. That we’d let past things get in the way. And I know that you never do anything without thinking first. Just like I know you didn’t walk away without thinking about what it meant for you. I bet it wasn’t easy to see me, huh? But you still texted me about dinner and worried about me not eating, you still indulged me in conversation and let me bother you while writing, we still cook meals to share and you are interested in my project and even help me fight my impostor syndrome when you could just be working on your own project. I wonder why the cosmos brought us back to each other, why we were meant to see each other again? Maybe it’s because I’m finally seeing all the good things you’ve done for me not only these past couple of days but throughout the years. You always were there for me and listened to me and went out of your way to try new things with me as much as you don’t like doing that. I want to say thank you Inari. Because it’s been too long to not notice how incredible you are. You care so much even if you don’t like to show it! I was scared and angry and sad back then because I lost my best friend and not just my best but THE best friend I could ever ask for… Thank you for coming back even if you didn’t really know this was going to happen. Thank you for staying too.

sorry that message is so long lol

i hope the capitals help you read it ;p

I feel a little lightheaded as I lower my phone. Having the past and present confront me at the same time is a mental cocktail that forces me to sit down before I tip myself over. Everything around me becomes a blur of colours through watery eyes. I can hardly make out the entertainment unit or the details of the wall behind it ridden with trinkets and paintings.

I never knew how much I needed to hear those words from Perrin. I never knew how much it would mean to me for her to say those things.

I’m laughing before I know it, holding a hand to my head and reading the message again and again.

It feels like swimming through an endlessly wide and deep ocean of everything that used to be, everything that is now, and everything that could be because here we are living in luxury, surrounded by art, with a sunny, fiery beach to come.

Goodness, Perrin. You know just what to say to get me all emotional.

You know just what to say to keep this curse on me for a little while longer.