All You Want for the Holidays (Home for the Holidays)

7. Perrin

Chapter 7

Perrin

“ A re you nervous?” Inari asks as we stride down the boardwalk. They’re dressed in their binder with watermelon-red swimming shorts. An open, short-sleeved button-up shirt is worn over top. Always the most noble, they carry the esky I packed with drinks and other surprises.

I shake my head. “Of course not.” But my palms grow sticky with sweat and get even more clammy when Inari smiles reassuringly at me.

I matched my two-piece swimsuit with theirs, choosing the closest set I had to watermelon-coloured with an orange sarong tied at my hip. They don’t point it out but I notice their silent, observant looks.

Things are a bit lighter after sending that huge message to Inari. I don’t know if it’s usual to thank your friends for being good friends but if Inari could make so many exceptions for me, then it was the least I could do.

For some reason, I can’t stop thinking about them. Not just the pool photo shoot but particularly when we aren’t together. My excitement to spend more time with them keeps rising. On the rare occasions that we aren’t in the same room, I’m tempted to text them. I’m already planning what to make tomorrow for our last full day at the residency before we have to leave the next afternoon. Were their favourite foods the same?

It feels good to be out with the warm wind blowing in my face. Seagulls squawk at passers-by and the salty ocean air tickles my nose. Music is blasting from a speaker somewhere along the beach, and the sun is still out and shining bright.

There are several people around, swimming in the water, laying in the sand, or sharing a drink around an unlit pile of wood. Our destination, right ahead.

Before we even reach the prepared wood stock, a tall and beautiful woman of dark brown complexion strolls towards us with her arms outstretched. She’s wearing a white bikini and upon her cheeks is glittery makeup that sparkles in the late afternoon sunlight.

“Inari Kan and Perrin Pavlou! How wonderful it is to see you two here! I love the colour coordination.” Her voice stuns me, commanding my attention immediately. It’s so easy to recognise her now as Thalia Ainsworth, our generous benefactor for this residency.

“Thalia!” I close the distance, embracing her in a hug and kissing her on both cheeks. “I can’t believe it’s actually you.”

“The one and only, darling,” she says with a wink and then pats me on the arm before stepping to the side to greet Inari.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Miss Ainsworth,” Inari says with a bow of their head.

Thalia politely bows her head in return. “The pleasure is mine. It’s quite special to be here on Christmas Eve. I always encourage my Christmas residents to come by for the bonfire.”

As the three of us walk the rest of the way, and we find a place to put our things down, Inari asks, “What’s so special about it?”

“My dear, what is more special than spending this night of joy with new friends, good drinks, and loud music?” Thalia gestures here and there, her acrylics clicking against as she does. “And maybe I know a little something about how artists love to stay home no matter the occasion, just so they can continue working. Not if I have anything to say about that! Your projects will still be there when you stumble home tonight for a good night’s rest and tomorrow morning when you’re ready to go again after a hearty breakfast!”

Thalia’s enthusiasm lifts my spirits even higher. I jump from foot-to-foot, ready to run a marathon, but not before all the proper formalities.

“Thank you so much for accepting me into this round, Thalia.”

She laughs and waves a manicured hand towards a fallen log. “Come sit with me.”

When I look at Inari for what they think, they gesture back to Thalia.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Inari says when my uncertainty keeps me in place. They give me a small smile. “I’m going to check out the water. We’ll have time to hang out later.” They hurry towards the shoreline before I can say anything so I join Thalia on the log.

“How are you finding everything?” Thalia asks, taking an offered bottle of beer from a young man who seems slightly older than me. They ask me if I’d like one but I shake my head. I brought along some juice from the villa instead. “To your expectations?”

“Oh, more than that. It’s better than I could ever dream of.” I’m not sure how old Thalia is, but she definitely seems more wise and mature than me, with so many accomplishments. It’s hard to fully realise I’m not a kid anymore in the presence of people like her.

“There’s no need to thank me. I hope to let as many young artists experience the Sunlit Creative Space as I can manage. It’s my favourite project of them all.”

Alongside being a wonderful host of residencies, she is an inspiration in the art world. She’s dabbled in a range of visual art forms and exhibited across Australia. Her talent is unbelievable.

“Your mind has to be running so fast to keep up with it all,” I say, reaching into the esky to pull out a bottle of fresh orange juice.

“Oh, I’m sure the estrogen shots help a lot ,” she jokes with a flip of her hair. “It takes a lot of brain work, but it’s what I love to do. I’ve worked hard and had the support of my friends and family to get here. Now I want to help others get a chance at their turn.”

I nod with a full heart. I still can’t believe I’m here, sitting with Thalia and chatting about her passions.

“But enough of myself,” she says. “Back to you. How’s your residency partner? We don’t often only have two on but I like to change things up sometimes.”

My lips part to answer but my mind pauses. So the whole arrangement of Inari and I being the only ones at the villa this week just came down to a random decision? I’m not sure why but it feels a little disappointing that the reason wasn’t left to an unknown universal alignment.

“Inari is really great.”

“In what way?” Thalia leans forward and folds her arms on her knees.

“Well...” I think back to my text earlier. This feels reminiscent of that but this time Inari won’t hear what I say. “They’re always considerate of my space and how I’m feeling. They like to cook but also let me cook if I feel like it. They take care of the house while making the most of the facilities. They’re very committed to their project while also checking in with my progress, even helping me with it when I was feeling… uninspired.” My shins tingle in memory of their binder pressed against me. It’s an odd thing to remember in sensory detail.

Thalia’s eyes sparkle like her makeup. “You seem to be getting along quite well after only meeting a few days ago.”

My laugh is a little weak and I turn away to take a sip of juice as I consider her thoughts. Would it make sense to mention that Inari and I were friends before? Would it make her feel like she made a mistake pairing us up?

Thalia doesn’t seem to take the silence harshly, having a drink herself. Then she says, “Don’t worry yourself, Perrin. This wouldn’t be the first time Sunlit has had a love story come out of it!”

I almost spit my mouthful of orange juice all over her but very bravely swallow before letting my gasp out. “Love story? Oh, no. That’s not happening.” If I ever led Inari on again, then they might confess again, and I would have to say no to them again. Then, they would walk away again .

“Ah. They’re not single? Or you aren’t single? Or perhaps I misjudged and Inari doesn’t like women...”

“It’s not— It’s not that, Thalia!” I protest. My cheeks heat up in embarrassment and I quickly bring my hands up to cover them.

Thalia doesn’t seem to notice my panic and waves at a trio on the other side of the unlit bonfire. They all perk up and come over in an instant, all smiles and laughter as two of them take a seat in the sand and the last one stands behind them with a hand on each head.

Thalia holds her hand out towards them. “These three were residents about a year and two months ago?” She looks at the trio for confirmation and they all nod. “All strangers, meeting for the first time. This is Derby. Xey do lino-printing—” She points to the one sitting on the left. Xey have fluffy blonde hair with dark dyed tips, a septum piercing, and a shirt with the ace of hearts playing card on it in the colours of the asexual pride flag. “Then there’s Khari. She made the wire and glass sculpture in one of the bedrooms.” The one sitting on the right has long black hair and earthy brown skin. Her hands are decorated with henna and she’s wearing a necklace with the pi symbol on it. “And then we have our wonderful pottery master, Forrest.” The one standing is a tall man with a round belly. His beard is magnificent, making him look a bit like a viking. On both wrists, he’s wearing bracelets made of yellow, pink and turquoise beads.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Forrest says as he extends a hand towards me.

“Y-You too!” I shake his hand, a little in awe of these beautiful people. “My name is Perrin.”

Thalia looks over them with a sense of pride. “I asked them all on separate occasions how they found the residency and their new artist friends. I didn’t expect to hear all of their distress over falling in love with both of their fellow residents and not knowing what to do.”

Everyone has a laugh and I join in, but I’m a little confused. How did all of them know, in just a few days? With two people, no less. One person already seems like a lot.

“Was it easy to figure out?” I ask, oddly curious. “If Thalia was able to ask you about it before you all knew… then that’d only be two or three days in?”

Derby gives me a thumbs up. Then xey start signing with xer hands. Khari translates for me.

“Xey say: you’re right, it wasn’t too far into the residency. Maybe the third day. Is that what you’re on right now, as well? But to answer your first question, it depends on each of us. I think I took the longest to realise. The one speaking for me right now, well, she was a bit obvious— hey!” She stops translating to playfully swat xem on the shoulder.

Derby rocks back and forth with a smirk as Khari continues in her own words, “Okay, yes. I may have fallen fast because everyone is just way too attractive, right? But there’s something extraordinary about living in a space with other artists and sharing that intimate part of ourselves.”

Art is intimate. Inari used to say that their writing had a little bit of themself in it, and so to share their writing was like sharing a part of themself to the world. It was difficult for me to feel the same way, with how much I doubted my ability to be a good photographer. But, if I thought about what made a good photograph to me, then a lot of it would come down to how it made me feel, in my heart and mind. The photos had to mean something to me.

Forrest speaks next. “You won’t always know for certain from the residency, from a week. We went on a few dates afterwards and spent more time together to see how things were outside of that space. Though, it’s safe to say that Ainsworth’s villa loves to attract love.” He crouches down to take a hand from his partners and kisses the top of each.

I avert my gaze for a moment and catch Inari chatting with someone in the shallow water. They’re sitting with an arm over their knee as the other person floats around. A laugh is shared between them. Inari smiles and continues the conversation. That weird feeling from last night comes back. It’s like having a little stone near my heart that won’t go away.

When I turn back to the group, they’re talking amongst themselves, but Derby is staring right at me. Xey tilt xer head at me. I give xem a small smile. It doesn’t seem to reassure xem and xey tap Khari’s shoulder then point to me. That gets everyone’s attention.

“Are you alright, Perrin?” Thalia asks. Somehow she manages to read my mind and turns around to look at Inari, then back to me. “Oh, I am so sorry. I must be keeping you from spending time with them.”

“No, no— I just…” My heart pounds in my chest. I look at Inari again. I twirl my fingers together to stop them from shaking. Why are they shaking? “There’s this feeling. I don’t get it.”

The others are quiet for a few moments. It doesn’t feel as horrible with the rest of the beach making up for the lack of noise.

“What’s it like?” Forrest asks, crossing his arms with his expression hardening into concern. “Positive, negative, neutral?”

“It’s— uh… a mix. Between positive and negative?” I bring a hand to my chest. “My heart is beating really fast but it doesn’t hurt. My skin is tingling a little…”

“What are you thinking? Anything to be worried about?” he follows up with.

“Not exactly worried.” I close my eyes and take a breath, trying to find the right words. “I mean, looking at them, it’s like I miss them when they’re just right there. Maybe it’s because I have something planned? I got them something like a gift, but I’ve always been thinking about them all day . Isn’t that weird?”

The polycule exchange looks.

Khari translates Derby’s sign language again. “Not weird.”

Thalia places a gentle hand on my knee. I note that it doesn’t feel the same as when Inari did it yesterday. There’s comfort, but nothing more.

“Is this why you asked if it’s easy to figure out? Because you’re finding it hard to figure out how you feel about Inari from knowing them for a few days?”

I rub my eyes and sigh. She’s putting the pieces together but they aren’t the right pieces. She was missing a crucial bit of information.

“That’s the thing. I haven’t just known them for a few days. We used to be friends in high school.”

There’s a collective gasp. I brace myself with a held breath. I hope I haven’t shattered Thalia’s good image of us.

“Oh. My. God,” Thalia whispers. I anticipate a look of anger or disappointment but, instead, she’s grinning. “That makes so much sense!”

“You aren’t upset?” I perk up, hopeful.

“Why would I be upset? I don’t expect to know everything about every resident I put together. You were friends ? I love that so much.”

I sigh in relief. That was one thing sorted, but… “Maybe that makes this harder. I have… no idea how it feels to love someone romantically. I’ve never had a crush on anyone before but maybe— maybe this is the closest I’ve been to it and I don’t want to get it wrong. If it’s not real, then I don’t want to hurt Inari.”

I clasp a hand to my mouth as I realise what I just said. I’ve never told anyone about my lack of crushes because I had always pretended, since primary school, to like someone when my friends would ask. I don’t think I was actually trying to hide it; as a kid I genuinely didn’t know what crushes were and thought the other girls in my class were just talking about the boys they were friends with.

“I know what you mean,” Khari says with a kind smile. I’m a little taken aback because she had mentioned falling in love too fast . “It’s not exactly the same but, I just have so much love to give that sometimes I don’t truly love someone even if I think I do. Funny enough, there’s a difference between thinking you love someone and actually loving someone. There may just be a strong platonic feeling, or something else entirely that doesn’t mean romance .”

Forrest hums in agreement and lowers his crossed arms. “Indeed. And we all love in different ways. For me, it’s about the physical as much as this deep, inner desire to protect my loves.” He puts his hands upon their heads again. Derby tilts xer head into his big hand and Khari smiles. “But that doesn’t mean I love everyone I want to protect. You, for example… you’re like a lost little bird who needs a little push out of the nest. And Thalia—who wouldn’t want to protect her?”

I nod, intrigued by these different perspectives. I wonder how Inari loves. I can’t ignore their constant acts of service, but they’re like that towards everyone. It’s who they are. Was it selfish to think that I could be the one to figure out the other ways they loved?

Derby signs for me and this time Forrest translates. “Okay, my turn, as the polycule’s ace.” Xey give me a cheeky smirk and I lean in, ready for xer wisdom. “There’s a chance you could be demiromantic. So you can’t experience romantic feelings towards someone without getting to know them deeply first.”

“Isn’t that normal?” I look down and flatten my sarong over my thighs. “That you become friends with someone before you get into a relationship with them?”

“Not exactly. Ever heard of love at first sight? It’s a real thing for some allo people.”

I consider my history with Inari. We’ve been through many years together, navigating the stresses of school, making fun of teachers we didn’t like, teaching each other about our interests and what we wanted to do one day when we were grown up.

I meet Derby’s gaze. “Why now?”

Xey tilt xer head in question.

I elaborate for xem, “We became friends in year seven. We haven’t spoken since the end of year twelve. Until… this residency came up, but that’s still six years to get to know Inari. Why would it happen now?”

Xey take a moment to ponder. “There is no timeline for these things. If we had a guide to love and attraction then things would be much, much easier.” I laugh nervously as xer response. I suppose it would be strange if there was a universal timeline. Then xey lean into Khari. “Listen, she’s right about the intimacy. If I am going to trust my ace-radar, I bet you romantically value vulnerability. You said you knew them in high school? High school is a good place to spend a lot of time with someone, but this is the first time you’re spending a lot of time alone with all this freedom. You are learning things about them that you never knew, and you’re both a bit older now. There’s some maturity, less focus on trivial things like classes. Not to mention that bedroom feelings don’t always match the demi in your demiromanticism.” Xey give me a feline grin as Forrest shakes his head with a chuckle.

I’m as still as a statue, taking in all their words, when Forrest tops it all off.

“That’s all to say, little bird, that these are the perfect grounds for you to realise your romantic feelings for a friend you care deeply for.”

Oh.

So this is what falling in love feels like.

Like finding a long lost key in a pile of hay, like finally making my way out of a never ending forest, like leaving the nest and learning to fly.

At once, a flower of warmth blooms in my chest and all my thoughts become Inari . Inari’s smile, Inari’s kindness, Inari’s passion for writing, Inari’s care, Inari’s hand on me. No wonder I wanted to get them a gift so badly.

Everything shines a little brighter, even the sun that is starting to set. When I glance at Inari who’s come up from the water to join us, they are the brightest of all.

The bonfire comes to life with a roar and I whip around, captured like everyone else by its ferocity as it blazes. Thalia coos lovingly like it’s a cute animal and Forrest lets out a whistle.

I close my eyes and exhale as Inari places a hand on my shoulder. This was going to be a night to remember.