Always and Only You

Chapter Thirty-Four

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Present Day

My legs are so tired that I’m sure they have gone completely numb. Even so, I manage to keep moving them, to keep myself afloat, because what else can I do? I stopped looking at the time because it’s only making me more panicked, but the last time I checked, we’d been stranded in the water for about an hour. I think it might be closer to two now. We’re guessing the boat moved into the bay to the south. I can’t tear my eyes from the headland where it must have disappeared, even though I know it makes no difference in terms of whether a craft will appear.

My shoulders are tense, my hair plastered around my face, and I’m sure my cheeks and forehead must be burning. It was at least four hours ago that I put some sunscreen on. If we get out of this alive, I’m going to look like a scorched flamingo.

‘Just keep your breathing even,’ Gil says. ‘Keep moving gently.’

Normally, Gil telling me what to do would get on my last nerve, but I know I need to hear these softly spoken words. Every few minutes, he has something helpful or encouraging to say and it helps me keep on top of my panic.

But when Gil eventually also falls silent, a heaviness descends on both of us. I know this is not good.

Gil is staring at the headland too, and I turn to him. I mean to say something encouraging back to him, but I say, ‘I can’t die today. I can’t do that to my parents, especially my mum. She’s already lost one child. I can’t be careless enough to let her lose two.’ Tears well in my eyes. ‘You were right, Gil. I shouldn’t have swum away from the group. It’s all my fault!’

Gil gives me one of his slow and steady looks. ‘Erin, this is not your fault. Yes, you drifted slightly away from the group, but I shouldn’t have said what I did when I blamed you. I was just frustrated … and scared.’ He looks thoughtful. ‘How do you do that, anyway?’

‘Do what?’

‘Worry about everyone but yourself when you’re probably in the most dangerous situation you’ve ever experienced in your life?’

I blink the sea water out of my eyes.

‘It’s what you always do. It’s one of the things that always amazes me about you, and frustrates me, if I have to be honest. You always put yourself last …’ A wry, lopsided smile pulls at his cheek. ‘Except when it came to calling off our marriage, of course. You dug in and put what you needed first. I’d be quite proud of you if it wasn’t such a kick in the gut.’

I swallow and look away. I’m not proud of myself in the least about that. ‘I’m not sure that makes me feel any better,’ I tell him. ‘And I thought you were supposed to be keeping our spirits up.’ At least, that’s what we promised each other over an hour ago.

Gil stares at me steadily, but he doesn’t say anything. When I shiver, he pulls me to him, then turns me around so my back is pressing against his chest, absorbing his body heat. One arm circles around my waist and the other keeps paddling. ‘Better?’

‘Yes,’ I say through chattering teeth. We bob together like that for a moment, legs occasionally clashing, but then we find a rhythm, allowing us to kick and float together. Now I’m facing away from him, I realize there are things that will be easier to ask him if I don’t have to look him in the eye. ‘Gil?’

‘Mm-hmm?’

‘Did you really mean what you said earlier?’

‘What in particular? We’ve covered quite a few subjects since we’ve been floating around out here.’

‘What you said about making sure I got out of here?’

I don’t feel him move, but somehow he seems to hold me just that little bit tighter. ‘Of course.’

‘Even if I fly home to Simon?’

Just for a beat, his legs stop moving, but then they start up again in the same easy rhythm. His voice is rough in my ear. ‘Yes. Even then.’

It’s almost too much. He’d do that for me? Even if it crushed him?

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I didn’t mean to ruin your life.’

I really didn’t. And I really am sorry. All the anger and irritation I’ve been feeling for him in the last few days has melted away, dissolved by the salty water, and I’m not sure if it will ever come back. Because now I’ve truly seen him for who he is, I can’t un-see it.

I want to give something back to Gil, to thank him for being there for me today, even though I’ve broken his heart. Gil wanted the truth from me, and the truth I gave him was real, but it was also harsh. What he really meant was that he wanted me to open my heart to him. And maybe I can do that, just a little bit.

Even though it terrifies me, I dig deep and find something, a gift I’m not even sure he’ll want after all I’ve done. I tell him something I’d rather not admit to anyone, let alone myself. ‘I’m scared.’

The arm around my waist tightens. His chin rests on my shoulder momentarily. ‘So am I. But we can’t give up, Erin. We have to keep each other going. And I know you can do this. You’re strong … Stronger than just about anyone I’ve ever known. And if anyone has the determination to get out of this, you do.’

I kick slightly and turn in his arms to face him, looping one arm around his waist as he has mine. We’re joined together now, giving each other heat, giving each other rest. I look into his eyes and I want to cry.

It’s there again, the expression I saw when I walked down the aisle and he turned to see me. I lift my hand and touch his face. The tiny speck of truth I’ve given him isn’t nearly enough. I need to give him something more.

I press my forehead to his and then holding my breath, I bring our faces closer together until my lips are brushing his, moving in time with the lapping waves around our shoulders. One of his hands paddles while he reaches up with the other and cups my head to hold it steady and then he kisses me properly, slowly at first, making sure he’s not doing something I don’t want, but then more insistently.

And I join him. I lose myself in the feeling of being held and safe, even amid a vast and unending ocean, where nothing is solid, nothing is certain. There are kisses you relish in the moment because they make your blood fizz and your skin tingle, and then there are kisses that’ll mark you for a lifetime. This, I realize, is one of them.

I’ve lost all time and space, everything but Gil’s lips on mine, how his skin feels where our bodies are enmeshed in the water when I hear something.

Erin …

I freeze and pull back. ‘Did you hear that?’

‘Hear what?’ And before I can answer, we’re kissing again, clinging on to each other because we need to be close, not just because we need to stay afloat.

Erin …? Are you there?

I break away again. ‘What did you say?’

Gil’s eyes meet mine. ‘Nothing. But I was thinking …’ I see sadness in his eyes and it breaks my heart. ‘Is it too late, Erin? Is it really too late for us?’

And before I can answer, he kisses me again, this time pouring everything he is thinking and feeling into it. It sweeps me away so I forget where I am, forget that we’re in any danger at all.

‘I … I don’t know …’ I stammer but I’m cut off by the same voice, but it’s strange – it sounds like a hushed whisper, clear and audible above the sound of the waves and wind.

Erin … Can you hear me? It’s time to wake up.

A sensation like lightning passes through my body leaving me breathless, and it’s followed swiftly by a dragging, tugging sensation, but it’s not Gil’s hands on me. It’s not anything trying to pull me down into the deep, quite the opposite. It feels as if a black hole has opened up above us and I’m being drawn upward into it.

‘No!’ I scream as the tugging feeling intensifies, almost swallowing me whole. I close my eyes and clutch at Gil.

I don’t want to go. I want to stay here. I want to …

And then it’s as if the string that has been tethering me to this place is snipped and I rise upwards, easily. Inevitably. There is a moment where I feel as if I’m one of those bubbles you blow with a wand and washing-up liquid. I’m floating high, my skin so thin I know it’s going to pop at any second.

And then it does. My eyelids flutter open, which is odd because I thought they already were.

I see a white ceiling above me. I hear noises – a chair scraping, people moving, words that I can’t make sense of at first, but then they start unjumbling themselves and arranging themselves into order.

‘Oh, thank God! She’s waking up!’