Always and Only You

Chapter Seventy-Eight

CHAPTER SEVENTY-EIGHT

Present Day

The following morning, I breathe deep and call my mum. She listens patiently while I tell her that Simon and I have called the wedding off and I don’t want to go back and live in the flat with him. Forty minutes later, my stepfather is outside Anjali’s house to pick me up. Emir really is the kindest man and the most soothing presence. He doesn’t ask me any questions as we drive back to Bromley, but exudes serenity and comfort. I feel better just from being in the car with him for the brief journey.

I spend the first day home in bed, binge watching any period drama I can get my hands on. I feel heavy and listless, too exhausted even to cry. But the tears come on day three, and then I can’t stop. I was so arrogant, wasn’t I? So full of myself and my perfect life? And now I’m facing the fact that I may never return to a job I excelled at and I’ve wasted five years of my life on a man who didn’t even respect me enough to be honest with me. The worst thing of all is that I miss a man who also betrayed my trust more than I thought possible.

Gil messaged a few times. Short, polite requests to talk, but when I didn’t reply after the third one, he stopped. Unlike Simon, who’s blowing up my phone with texts and voicemails begging me to come back. I end up blocking him, which is a stupid, childish move, because I will have to talk to him at some point, even if I have no intent to reconcile. There are practical things we need to untangle.

After two weeks of moping around feeling sorry for myself, Mum has had enough. She makes me get out of my pyjamas and takes me to the park for a hot drink. September has turned cold, so the playground is almost empty. I choose a hot chocolate when we get to the kiosk and we find ourselves a table.

‘Erin …’

I brace myself for what’s coming. ‘Let me have it, Mum.’ ‘I need your help.’

I blink. This was not what I was expecting. ‘My help?’

‘Yes. I need some admin help with the Head Start Trust, and I was wondering if you’d consider it. Just temporarily, of course. I don’t expect you to make this your career. And I’ll pay you the going rate.’

As much as I’ve always resisted getting sucked in to mum’s charity whirlpool, this sounds amazing. I’m sick of focusing on myself, and it would be good to feel productive, useful.

‘But what about those days when my brain feels like rubber and all I want to do is lie down and close my eyes?’

‘They’ve been coming less and less frequently, but if you have one of those days, you have one. Part-time would be good, with flexible hours, and if it’s too much, we’ll do something else.’

It feels like a chink of light has opened up in my dark world. ‘I’d like to try it, but what exactly will you want me to do?’

Mum takes a sip of her coffee and leans back in her chair. ‘A little office admin – answering emails, taking calls, managing the calendar – but I’ve also been thinking about setting up a support group for brain injury survivors, online at first, and I wondered if you’d be able to help with that?’

‘Maybe.’ It’s strange. I’ve been so focused on my recovery that I forget other people struggle with exactly the same things, and I’m worried about hearing heart-wrenching stories of lives never regained, of permanent damage. ‘I’ll need to think about that.’

Mum smiles. And then she leans across and kisses me on the cheek. ‘Thank you, Erin. I really appreciate it.’

It’s taken her a lot to do this. Not to offer me a job, but to ask for help. I shake my head and smile.

‘What?’ Mum asks.

‘The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?’ I reply.

‘Nope,’ Mum says, looking pretty pleased with herself. ‘I’ve always known you were going to be okay, Erin.’

It warms me to hear her say that, but I also realize this maybe is why she seemed so hands-off to me for most of my life. She always assumed I was going to be fine, and I felt shoehorned into playing that role for her. If I want things to change properly going forward, there are a few things I need to say.

I put my hot chocolate down and give her my full attention. ‘I’m pleased you’ve got faith in me, but sometimes I wished you were around more, especially when I was a kid.’

Mum sighs. ‘Emir is always telling me I’m a workaholic, that I need to slow down.’

‘Emir is a very wise man. You ought to listen to him once in a while.’

‘I’m sorry if I was busier than I should have been when you were little,’ she says to me. ‘It was the only way I knew how to cope.’

I lean across and give her a one-armed hug. ‘I understand that, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you.’

Mum looks at the table. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I felt so ashamed after Alex died. Everybody told me it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing different I could have done, but inside, I felt I had to make amends. I had to do better. I kind of got lost in that, didn’t I? I forgot I had another child who needed me.’

Another piece slides into place in understanding my mother, and possibly even understanding myself. ‘You know you don’t have to do anything for us all to love you, don’t you?’ I say. ‘We just want you.’

Mum pulls me into a proper hug. ‘Look at my wonderful, wise daughter,’ she says with a catch in her voice, then she releases me. ‘I promise you, I will try not to get sucked into this new project. I will try to be there for you.’

‘You already have been, you daft woman. Who put their life on hold to be there with me in the hospital? Who’s let me move back home – twice! – and hasn’t complained about all the money she lost that she put into my wedding? You don’t have to prove anything to me, Mum. I know.’

Mum dabs her eyes with a tissue and then hands me one from a packet she pulls from her bag. We both laugh as we mop up.

‘Anyway, back to the matter in hand … Let’s say you work for me until you reach the one-year anniversary of your accident, and then we’ll think again. By then, we should have a better idea of what you’re going to be dealing with going forward.’

‘That sounds like a plan.’ It will give me enough to do to keep me from getting bored and will give me challenges to help increase my brainpower.

‘Have you got any idea what you might like to do after that? Do you see yourself going to work for Kalinda again?’

I sigh. ‘I don’t know … I spent so much of my working life making sure everybody else’s life was perfect. Maybe it’s time to do something for myself?’

‘Any ideas?’

I play with a knot on the top of the wooden table. ‘I kind of like the idea of being my own boss, setting up a business of some kind.’

Mum smiles. ‘Just don’t rush into things, okay?’

I laugh. ‘If that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black!’

She purses her lips, but her eyes glitter. ‘Cheeky! Anyway … I think it’s time to get back, and when we get home, you’re going to do two things.’

I roll my eyes. ‘Oh, am I?’

‘You’re going to get out of that tracksuit and put some proper clothes on, and you’re going to call Simon. He’s been leaving me messages and I’ve had just about enough of him.’

He’s been calling Mum too? I don’t suppose I can put this off any longer.