Always and Only You

Chapter Seventy-Nine

CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE

Present Day

I meet Simon outside a café near the station, overlooking Brockwell Park in Herne Hill. It’s a brisk September morning, and there’s an autumnal chill to the wind. He looks unsure of himself and aborts an attempt at a hug or a kiss on the cheek when he sees my face.

‘Thanks for coming,’ I say.

‘Do you want to go inside?’

I shake my head. All of the other tables outside are empty, and I’d prefer privacy for this conversation.

‘How are you?’ he asks when we’ve both sat down.

‘Doing okay,’ I reply, which is the truth. It’s been almost a month since Simon and I last saw each other, and I am feeling stronger every day. ‘We have a few things we need to discuss.’

He looks nervous as he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. ‘I think we need to go over what we’re going to do about the flat first, which will have an impact on what you want to do with your stuff. Then other financial stuff, and lastly, I suppose, us.’

I’m flabbergasted. Simon has actually made a list instead of waiting for me to do it? Wonders will never cease. ‘Okay. Fire away …’

After the waitress takes our coffee orders, we get down to business, agreeing that Simon will take over the lease for the remaining three months. I only have the money from Mum’s part-time job at the moment, and it definitely doesn’t pay as well as my old job, so I can’t take it on. But thank goodness for the substantial savings I built up while working on yachts. I was going to use them as a deposit for a house, but at the moment, it’s allowing me to heal at my own pace and take stock of my life.

‘Will you move out?’ I ask him.

He shrugs. ‘Haven’t decided yet. I might get a room-mate. Gil said he might need somewhere to stay for a bit.’

At the mention of Gil’s name, cold lightning shoots through me. He’s moving? Does that mean Heron’s Quay is finished? I’d so love to see how it turned out. Where’s he going next?

No, Erin. You do not need to know these things. Leave it well alone. I turn my attention back to Simon. ‘So, how about my stuff?

I’d rather come and collect it when you’re at work.’

Simon looks slightly disappointed, but he agrees. And then we discuss our aborted wedding plans, which deposits we will lose if we never reschedule, what other associated costs we might have to bear.

Simon sighs. ‘It seems a shame to let all that money go to waste.’

‘What else can we do?’

After taking a few warming sips of his coffee, Simon says, ‘I’m sorry, Erin. Really, I am. I didn’t mean for it all to end up like this.’

I look into Simon’s eyes, and I believe he means this.

‘Do you think …? Do you think there’s any chance for us? I miss you.’

I sigh. ‘I miss you, too. It would be strange not to after spending so many years together and then suddenly not seeing each other every day.’ I push the foam on top of my latte around with a spoon. ‘There’s a part of me that still loves you …’ Simon sits straighter as I say these words, then slumps again as I add, ‘but I don’t think I will ever feel the same way about you again. I don’t think there’s any going back.’

He presses his lips together, looking defeated. ‘I understand why you feel that way. Of course, I’m disappointed. And so, so sorry. But if there’s anything I can do for you, Erin, anything at all …’

‘The one thing I need from you is answers, Simon. True, complete and honest answers. Do you think you’re capable of that?’

‘Ooh, ouch,’ he says, with a glint of one of his naughty grins, but it disappears again quickly. ‘But yes. I will do my best.’

I watch his face carefully. Whether this is something Simon can manage remains to be seen. I dive in with one of the most difficult questions first, just in case he decides to bail early before I’ve finished getting everything off my chest. ‘Why did you lie and say it wasn’t you who gave Megan the ket?’

Simon looks confused. ‘Hang on, now … I didn’t ever actually lie to you, did I? I never said that.’

‘Yes, you did. When I asked you about it afterwards, you said you knew nothing about it.’

‘When did I say that? Before you left for the Caribbean?’

‘No … after that. When we were messaging … Oh! That wasn’t you? That was Gil?’

Simon shrugs. ‘Must have been.’

It takes me a few moments for me to fully process the irony of this revelation. I convicted Gil of the crime, using his own declaration of innocence as my evidence. ‘But even if you didn’t lie to me at the start, you certainly knew that’s what I believed later on. Why did you never put me right?’

‘I was afraid.’

‘Afraid I’d tell the police?’

He shakes his head. ‘No. Afraid of what it would do to us. It was such early days.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘You’ve asked me to be honest, and I’m going to be honest with you, Erin. But I warn you, you’re not going to like what I’m about to tell you.’

‘That’s okay,’ I say. ‘It’s still better than being in the dark.’

‘I saw the chemistry between you and Gil right from the very first night Megan introduced us to you. He liked you, you know …’

I look away, scared he’ll think the flush in my cheeks is caused by something other than the cool breeze. ‘Yeah, I know.’ An image of Gil’s face as he told me he loved me, that he’d always loved me, fills my mind, and it takes my breath away.

It was always and only you …

Simon’s voice drags me back to the present.

‘It all started with a girl I met about six months before I first met you. I liked her. I mean, really liked her. But the moment she set eyes on Gil, it was clear I’d been instantly friend-zoned. They hit it off, had a bit of a fling, and I was salty about it.’

‘Gil knew you liked her?’

He shakes his head. ‘But I held it against him anyway. Gil has always been better than me at everything – better at academic stuff, more successful in his career.’ He looks across at me, his eyes filled with regret. ‘Better at being a human being … I suppose I was jealous.’

‘But he’s always been such a good friend to you.’

Simon looks sheepish. ‘I know. I said you weren’t going to like this, and I’m not proud of myself either. But when I saw he liked you, I decided it was time for a bit of payback, so I swooped in and chatted you up first.’

I blink. Wasn’t this almost exactly what Dream Simon said in his speech at my fake wedding? How did I do that? How did I know? ‘So you didn’t even like me for me right from the start. It was just childish tit for tat? Thanks a bunch!’

‘But I did like you! As soon as we spent some time together, I could see why Gil had a crush on you. So when you told me why you didn’t like him, that you thought he was partly responsible for Meg’s death, I didn’t want to put you straight. And you have to remember that you didn’t tell me this until after you came home for Valentine’s Day and were back together. I didn’t want to lose you.’

‘Back together? Why were you the only one who knew we’d broken up? And if you were that into me, how come Gil ended up messaging me in the first place?’

He gives me a helpless look. ‘All I can say is that I was young. Stupid. That I didn’t realize what I had until you’d practically slipped through my fingers. When you came back and surprised me, it changed everything.’

‘You didn’t answer my question.’

‘How Gil ended up messaging you?’

I nod.

‘I broke his phone, so I gave him mine, and then I ended up buying another one.’

‘You could have bought him the new one instead of giving him one of your cast-offs,’ I say.

Simon’s eyebrows lift in surprise and he laughs nervously. ‘I suppose I could have done. You know, I really didn’t think of that?’

Why am I not surprised? ‘When did this happen?’

‘Oh, God … It was so long ago. Um … Let me think … I dunno … around November time?’

‘But why didn’t he tell me he had your phone? Why didn’t you? There wasn’t any need for the charade at all!’

Simon coughs. ‘Yeah, well … I kinda thought you’d get the message that things were fizzling out between us, but Gil said I should tell you, because you kept messaging him thinking he was me. To be honest, I thought he was just finding it annoying, and it wasn’t such a big deal. Anyway, yes, I suppose I knew I needed to be honest with you, but I kept putting it off.’ He drains his coffee cup and puts it back down on his saucer. ‘He got quite angry with me about it. Said he’d had to send a few short replies because you were so upset or worried, but I didn’t know you two had been talking at length.’

‘You must have worked out it was more than a couple of quick messages eventually. I told you I fell in love with you while I was away that first year! Did you think that was just going to happen from a few “Hey, babe … can’t talk now. I’m off to the pub” messages?

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. ‘Yeah, but I didn’t work out just how deep those messages had gone until months later, and by then we were already in a pretty solid relationship. Stupidly, I hoped you might like me for me by that point.’

‘Don’t turn this on me,’ I snap back at him. He’d been doing so well until now. I’d been quite proud of the fact he was actually laying it all out there rather than trying to minimize or deflect. ‘And maybe I would have liked you for you if you’d ever opened up and let me see the real you instead of hiding behind Gil.’

‘Yeah, okay … Sorry.’

I stare out across the park at the sky, tracking the fluffy trails from planes that have long since passed while I work out how to frame what I want to say. ‘You always do that, don’t you?’

‘What?’

‘You use Gil. You bask in his reflected glory.’ I stop and laugh at my blindness. ‘I always thought it was the other way around.’

‘I know you hate me at the moment, but I’m not that cynical. Gil’s my friend because he’s the sort of person I’d like to be.’

‘I don’t hate you,’ I tell him.

Simon looks relieved, but confused. ‘You don’t? I pretty much hate myself at the moment. I’ve ruined your life!’

‘I’m disappointed. And I’m very sad, but you haven’t ruined my life. Marrying me under false pretences would have done that. No one deserves to not know the person they’re going to spend the rest of their lives with.’

Simon studies me. ‘No, I suppose I never really let you see me. I was too afraid you wouldn’t like what was underneath. But I don’t think you really ever let me see you either.’

I dip my head, aware he’s called it right, too.

‘You might not have missed out, but I did,’ he says. ‘I always knew you were smart, capable, generous. And I knew I liked the way you looked after me, but now I can see how strong you are. You amaze me, Erin …’ He trails off, and I can tell where his brain is going. I hope he’s not stupid enough to ask again if I’ll go back to him. I’m relieved when he merely adds, ‘I really messed it up, didn’t I?’

‘Yes. But I don’t know if you truly want me, even now. It only seems to be something that happens when you think you can’t have me.’

He lets out a low chuckle. ‘Ah … Maybe that’s true. I’m a fickle bastard.’ He leans forward to catch my eye. ‘But even though there’s no road ahead for us, I want you to know I’ve learned a lot from this whole situation, about how I want to live my life going forward.’

‘That’s good.’ I can see the seeds of change, but I don’t fully trust Simon will allow them to grow into anything more. He’s always full of unrealistic optimism at this part of the mess up/redemption cycle.

I take the last sip of my coffee and push my chair back. ‘I hope you find happiness in your future, Simon. In whatever shape it comes in.’ And I mean this. I might not want this man in my life any more, but I don’t wish him ill.

He comes round to my side of the table and we share an awkward hug. ‘I hope that for you too, Erin. I hope you can find a guy who’ll look after you the way you’ll look after him. You deserve that.’