Always on My Mind (Stanmore FC Soulmates #2)

11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Jamie let the hot water roll down her body, her head against the tile of the shower wall, still kicking herself for saying Hozier. He was the first male celebrity she thought of because she listened to a couple of his songs on the way to training that morning. She appreciated the man’s talent, but she didn’t have a crush on him. While they were watching game film of their first opponent of the season, Chelsea, she Googled “hot men.” She scrolled through list after list of dreadfully boring white men that she somewhat recognized from movies and other sports. None of them were Hozier, though he did appear on a list of male celebrities that lesbians have a crush on. Why, why, why had she said that?

Her dread had led her to take a second shower. After everyone was gone for the day and she had the dressing room to herself, she stripped out of her sweats and let the water wash away her shame. If they put that clip on social media, her dad would call her screaming. No daughter of mine is a gay footballer , he’d shout. That was his favorite line any time a hint of a rumor started. Queerness would limit her sponsorship opportunities, and she needed to be recognized for her talent, not as an LGBTQ+ icon.

Thankfully, Tessa had been there. If she hadn’t changed the subject, Jamie knew she would have talked herself into a hole. Any time someone came close to discovering her identity, she panicked. Her ears rang all through her first shower. It was the first touch of her anxiety returning since she’d seen Tessa again at the housewarming.

Her heart rate returned to normal for this shower, at least. For some reason, a shower always helped. Whether it was the sound of the water or the heat from the steam, she didn’t know. It just worked.

The alarm on her phone went off, letting her know it was half past seven. She needed to get home if she was going to eat dinner at a reasonable hour. The hot water tap squeaked as she turned it off, and the room went quiet after she tapped her alarm. She wrapped a towel around herself and padded back to the dressing room.

Motion from Paige’s locker made Jamie’s heart skip a beat, but she saw that it was only Tessa, taking some pictures on her phone. Tessa turned the camera, as if to get a panning shot of the room, but when she spotted Jamie, she dropped her phone and screamed, followed by a cry of, “Sweet, suffering Jesus!”

Jamie flinched, taken aback by Tessa’s alarm, but quickly relaxed as Tessa recovered, swearing under her breath as she picked her phone back up. Jamie held back a chuckle.

“Sorry, I didn’t expect anyone to be here after hours,” Jamie said.

“What are you even doing here after hours?” Tessa wondered.

“Just. . . ” Jamie trailed off, but decided to be honest. If the goal was to get Tessa back, she needed to let her in. “I was brooding about the celebrity crush thing.”

“You don’t have to worry. We’re not going to post it. Nelle wants to use Paige and Jordan instead.”

Jamie’s shoulders dropped with relieved tension. “Oh, good.”

A pregnant pause hung between them.

“Thank you for earlier,” Jamie said. “For stepping in with Neriah. You saved my neck.”

“It was no trouble.”

She noticed that Tessa wasn’t looking at her. For a moment, she was confused, as it wasn’t in Tessa’s nature to be shy. But then she remembered she was only wearing a towel. Memories swam to the front of her mind of Tessa’s hands in her hair, on her skin, between her thighs. Heat rushed to her cheeks, and she glanced at the floor. Her body longed for Tessa’s touch again. Even shaking her hand earlier had driven Jamie crazy. Now, standing before her in only a towel, she could too easily picture herself kissing Tessa, letting that towel drop to the floor, and having an orgasm right up against the wall.

She shook her head. “Er, Tessa?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you turn around so I can get dressed?”

“Oh, aye. Of course. Sorry. I can leave if you—”

“No, that’s okay. I’d like to talk. If that’s alright?”

“Sure. But get dressed first.”

Tessa turned her back to Jamie, who crossed the room to her locker and unwrapped herself from the towel. She was half-tempted to tell Tessa to turn back around. But having sex with Tessa now wouldn’t help her cause. She needed to show that she was doing the work.

She stepped into her underwear and joggers before putting on a sports bra. Deciding to push her luck, she faced Tessa.

“You can turn back around now,” she said.

Tessa faced her. “Fuck’s sake. Can’t you put on a shirt?”

“Sorry, I’m still hot from the shower. Will it be a problem?”

“No,” Tessa snapped. “I’m not an animal.”

Jamie bit her lip to stop herself from smiling. She took a seat on the bench and patted the spot beside her. “Well?”

Rolling her eyes, Tessa took a seat. “What is it you want to say?”

“I know you think nothing has changed between us, but that’s not true,” Jamie said. “We both know our feelings haven’t gone anywhere.”

“I know. The only thing that hasn’t changed is your situation.”

“It has, actually. A bit.”

Tessa hoisted an eyebrow. “How?”

“I’m seeing a therapist,” Jamie told her. It relieved her that someone other than her father knew. And she knew there was no one more trustworthy than Tessa. “And it’s going well. She hasn’t told my father a thing.”

“She shouldn’t, that would be fucking illegal,” Tessa grumbled.

“I know, but you know how he gets. The point is, I think. . . I think I can get to a place where I’m comfortable setting boundaries with him.”

“What does that mean for us?”

Jamie glanced away. “I don’t know yet. But it’s progress. If I can set boundaries with him, then there are things I can keep from him, too. I don’t know how it’ll work, but—”

Tessa got to her feet with a groan. “It doesn’t mean shit, Jamie! I don’t want to be something you keep from anyone!”

“I can’t change overnight, Tess,” Jamie said, pleading in her voice. “If you’d only be patient, I—”

“I was patient! For a whole year, I waited for you to be ready!” She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling before facing Jamie again. “Jamie, it’s great that you’re working on yourself. I want you to get to a place where you can live authentically. But living in the shadows was incredibly painful. I can’t do it again.”

Jamie blinked back the mist in her eyes. “What can I do?”

“There’s nothing you have to do,” Tessa said. “Coming out is something you do on your own time. I can’t dictate it to you.”

Jamie got to her feet as well and drew close to Tessa. She had come to prove to herself and to Tessa that this could work. All she needed was the knowledge that Tessa would be open to being there when it did.

“All I need is some time,” Jamie said. “I know I can get there.”

Tessa met her eyes, her gaze softening. “Jamie. . . ”

“Can you give me that, Tessa?” Jamie pressed, taking Tessa’s hand.

Tessa’s fingers tightened around Jamie’s. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll make it worth your while.” Jamie traced Tessa’s jawline with the first two fingers of her free hand and Tessa’s eyes fell closed.

“How?”

Jamie closed the distance between them and captured Tessa’s lips in a heated kiss. Time slowed as their mouths moved in practiced harmony. Everything Jamie had ever felt for Tessa rushed to the front of her heart, and she clung to it. Her arms wrapped around Tessa’s slim waist to pull her close until their chests touched.

Tessa’s hands roamed Jamie’s back. Jamie moaned softly into Tessa’s mouth. She had missed her scrappy, Northern Irish ex-girlfriend like the flowers missed the rain. The drought was finally over.

For some absurd reason, that dream on the ship also flitted through Jamie’s mind as she kissed Tessa. She forced it back. She needed to be present, to commit every touch to memory, because she had no idea when she might be able to kiss Tessa again. It was everything, all-consuming and endless.

Until it wasn’t.

Tessa pulled away, her lips swollen and pink from the kiss. Her chest heaved as her half-lidded gaze landed on Jamie’s.

“We. . . ” She took a few breaths. “We can’t do this right now.”

Jamie linked her index finger with Tessa’s. “Can you give me some time?”

Tessa huffed out a laugh. “I’ve waited centuries. What’s a few months?”

Jamie didn’t have time to question the “centuries” comment. Tessa was out the door before either of them could say another word.

Jamie was still thinking about kissing Tessa when she went to her therapy appointment the following day. Lila hummed to herself as she took her usual seat and opened up her notebook on her lap. Crossing one leg over the other, she met Jamie’s gaze.

“So, Jamie. How’ve you been?”

Horny and pathetic was the first answer that came to mind, but Jamie couldn’t say that.

“I. . . ” Jamie swallowed. She knew what she wanted to say, but the words were stuck in her throat. If she could start being completely honest with her therapist, then some close friends, then maybe it would be easier to be honest with her father. “Can I tell you something?”

Lila smiled in that gentle, patient way of hers. “Of course. It’s why we’re here.”

“And you promise you won’t tell my father?”

“Your father doesn’t know a thing you share with me. I had to block his number, but as long as he makes payments, I don’t care if he’s angry.”

Jamie longed for that level of confidence. She inhaled until her lungs were full before exhaling slowly. It occurred to her that she’d never said the words aloud. She hadn’t had to come out to Tessa or Billie or Tessa’s family. Lila would be her first go at it. And it had Jamie’s chest so tight she wondered if it was possible to psychosomatically suffocate.

“I’malesbian,” she blurted out, all in one breath.

Lila blinked. “Sorry?”

Jamie forced her brain to slow down and let the words come out at a rate someone outside of it would understand. “I’m. . . a lesbian.”

“Ah. Alright.”

“And yesterday, I kissed a girl.”

“That does usually come with the territory.”

“Aren’t you surprised?”

“That a lesbian kissed a girl?”

“No, I mean—” Jamie stopped short and shook her head. This wasn’t the reaction she had anticipated. “I mean, aren’t you surprised that I’m gay?”

“Not entirely,” Lila said with a shrug. “I’m more surprised that you’ve told me after only a few sessions. I’m honored to have earned your trust in so little time.”

Jamie blinked, still bewildered. “I expected. . . something else.”

Lila set her notebook aside and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Tell me, Jamie. Would you expect me to be shocked if you told me you were heterosexual?”

“No. But that’s normal.” Lila stared at her for a long moment, and Jamie let herself consider what she’d said. “Okay, I heard it.”

“I’m going to take note that we may need to unpack some internalized homophobia next time,” Lila said, picking her notebook back up and scribbling on the page. “Have you come out to anyone else?”

Jamie heaved a sigh. “No. That’s the problem.”

Lila stopped writing. “What problem?”

Then it all came spilling out. Jamie told her therapist her whole story with Tessa, right up through making out in the locker room, though without mentioning her by name. Jamie knew it wouldn’t be an issue, but she wanted to hold on to something for herself. But the main thing she explained was that because of her father’s views and his involvement in her life, she never felt it was safe to come out. She wanted to be better, to have a group she could trust beyond Tessa and the other Gallaghers. She wanted her own friends, her found family.

“. . . but I’m scared to come out,” she finished. “I’m still scared, after all this time.”

Lila finished writing and peered at Jamie over her glasses. “Have you heard of an alternative to coming out known as ‘letting in’?”

Jamie wrinkled her nose. “No?”

“It’s a recent concept I read about. The idea is that you don’t necessarily have to make a big announcement to the world about your sexual identity. You can choose to tell a select few people. Inviting them to where you are on your journey. It’s far less pressure.”

“Inviting in. . . ” Jamie said to herself, letting the idea settle in her mind. It was exactly what she wanted. And a tangible step she could share with Tessa. “I like it.”

“Implement it whenever you’re ready,” Lila said. “There’s no rush on these things.”

“I think I’m ready to share with a few people,” Jamie said. Her teammates and manager came to mind.

“Excellent. I’d love to hear how it goes for you when you do.”

“Of course.”

“Now,” Lila continued, and adjusted her hair scrunchie. “I still have one question.”

“What’s that?”

“What happened after three years at Manchester City to make you come back and rekindle things with your ex?”

Jamie’s hand curled into a fist. This was the part that absolutely no one knew. But she’d come this far with Lila, who had proven to be trustworthy. She could share this.

“I was. . . . . . ” she cleared her throat. “I was sexually harassed by an assistant coach there and it escalated to him following me home, trying to kiss me, and get into my flat.”

She’d finally said it. Finally told someone about the events that made her realize that she wanted to be home, where Tessa was. Because after it happened, the only place she wanted to be was in Tessa’s arms. So she’d called her agent instead of the police or the club, and arranged to get out of her contract and sign somewhere in London.

It didn’t scare her now. Something about naming it gave her some courage. And once again, Lila wasn’t shocked. Only sympathetic.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Jamie,” she said. “Are you comfortable discussing it further?”

Jamie nodded. “It began after my first year at City. . . ”