Always on My Mind (Stanmore FC Soulmates #2)

12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Billie poured some soda into two wine glasses. The fizz bubbled up over the ice cubes before settling back down, and Tessa watched with rapt interest for something to look at. She told Billie everything and had hoped for more of a response from her best friend than cracking open a Coke. Tessa let her eyes drift back to Billie’s contemplative face.

“So. . . Jamie is hoping for what, exactly?” Billie finally said as she walked over to dispose of the can in the recycle bin. “That you’ll be satisfied with half a relationship purely because she’s able to set a proper boundary with her father?”

“I suppose,” Tessa replied, accepting the chilly glass when Billie offered it. “When you put it like that, it sounds like I’d be settling.”

“You would be.”

Despite feeling as if Billie had slapped her, Tessa followed Billie’s lead into the sitting room, where an array of junk food waited for them in a spread on the coffee table. Popcorn, crisps, biscuits, and more tempted them as they took their seats on the floor. Billie picked up a chocolate chip and popped it into her mouth.

“I don’t mean to sound like a bitch,” she said after chewing. “But you’ve always said you wanted to be with someone who was out already, especially after Jamie.”

“I know,” Tessa replied, more defensively than she meant to sound. “I just think, since we’re soulmates and all, I should give it another go.”

Billie stopped mid-sip of her drink and blinked. “But that puts you right back where you were three years ago.”

“Come on, Bills. It is different. Jamie never would have seen a therapist before, and now she is. That has to count for something.”

Tessa could hardly believe what she was saying. Days ago, she had made the same arguments Billie made now, instead to Jamie’s face. Throughout those days, though, Tessa had been thinking. And she’d concluded that therapy was progress. Tessa had recommended it to Jamie countless times when they were together, and Jamie always said she couldn’t. She couldn’t trust a therapist not to betray her to her father. If she could come around on that, maybe it would be possible. Against her better judgment, Tessa allowed herself to hope.

“I’m not saying that’s not a good thing,” Billie said. “But if Jamie is working on herself, she shouldn’t be with anyone right now. Especially given all your history.”

Tessa frowned, reaching for the popcorn. “Damn you and your logic.”

Billie smirked. “Tempting as that locker room kiss must have been, it was only a moment of weakness for you both.”

Tessa chewed her popcorn and considered it. It was true, Jamie has weakened her resolve. One brush of the lips and centuries of longing flooded through her bloodstream. But Tessa couldn’t bring herself to regret it.

“Maybe it was,” she admitted. “But also, moments of closeness might be necessary to get her to finally see our past lives. Now that she’s making herself vulnerable, it could come to her.”

“I’m not sure vulnerability is the key. I was as closed off as anyone, and just touching Ethan gave me flashes of our life in the forties.”

“Will you let me have anything?”

“Sorry, Tess, it’s. . . . . . I don’t want you to get your hopes up only to have Jamie hurt you again.”

Tessa turned her eyes away from Billie’s earnest expression and toyed with the string on her pajama pants. “I broke up with her, remember?”

“Because you’d reached your limit,” Billie reminded her. “And it nearly destroyed you.”

Tessa had no argument there. After she broke up with Jamie, she didn’t leave her bed for days. And then when she did, she was out at all hours, going to clubs and kissing anyone who was willing to kiss her back, having dangerous amounts of casual sex, and narrowly avoiding alcoholism. Anything to numb the hurt. It was Billie who pulled her out of it all and got her into therapy. Tessa realized she could not ask that of her best friend again. Not when there would soon be a child who needed her more.

“I won’t be that way again, Bills,” Tessa said. “I promise.”

Billie reached over the table and took Tessa’s hand. “You know I’m here for you if you fall apart. But it hurt me to see you in that amount of pain.”

“I know.” Tessa squeezed her hand. She never knew how to thank Billie properly for all that. She wasn’t sure she would ever have the words. “You’re gonna be a good mum.”

Billie grinned. “I hope so. And Baby Knight will have the best Auntie Tessa.”

“They’re going to have a real auntie in your sister,” Tessa reminded her.

“They’re going to have a real auntie in you too,” Billie argued. “You are as much my sister as Stevie.”

Tessa cleared her throat to get rid of the lump in it. “Have you thought of any names yet?”

“Hardly,” Billie said through a chuckle. “We’ve decided to wait until we know the sex.”

“But surely you’ve got one or two in mind—”

“Stop trying to distract me by talking about the baby,” Billie warned.

Tessa scoffed indignantly. It was the only way to mask that Billie was right. “I am wounded, Billie Knight, that you would think I’d use your child, your precious wain, who I am prepared to love as my own—” She stopped herself at Billie’s raised eyebrow. “Alright, fine, we can talk about me and Jamie.”

“Good. Because my next question is, which past life did you see when you kissed her?”

“It was the first one, when we were on our way to Jamestown,” Tessa said. “I wonder if she saw it too. Something tells me she did.”

It was another part of the equation that Tessa couldn’t stop thinking about. Something deeper passed between them, the same as when they first met at that press conference. The familiarity, the certainty that they had met before.

“Would it be mad to ask her?” Tessa asked before she could stop herself.

“I want to say no, but it is,” Billie said. “She’s only just getting to know this version of herself. You don’t want to overwhelm her. Plus, the idea might give her false hope that you’ll relent because of the soulmate thing.”

Tessa groaned. “Seriously, damn you and your logic. I thought you were supposed to have pregnancy brain or something.”

“Nope, none of that for me, I’m just hungry and horny all the time,” Billie said.

She reached for a handful of crisps and sprinkled chocolate and gummy bears over them before she stuffed everything into her mouth.

Tessa curled her lip in disgust as her friend chewed with chipmunk full cheeks, moaning to herself as she swallowed the ungodly concoction. When Billie finished, Tessa crossed herself and her friend.

“Fuck off, I’m pregnant,” Billie said, swatting at Tessa.

“I’m praying the baby doesn’t come out as if he’s had a Red Bull,” Tessa teased. “All that sugar you’re giving him—the wee critter doesn’t stand a chance.”

Billie chuckled and took a sip of her drink. “‘He’ eh?”

Tessa shrugged. “Just a feeling.”

A slow smile parted Billie’s lips as she looked down at her tummy. Tessa couldn’t help but smile too. Billie deserved a happily ever after.

Tessa got distracted when her phone lit up from its place on the table. She glanced at the screen, and Jamie’s name appeared beside the new text icon. Curious, Tessa opened it.

Jamie

If you were coming in the Fall, I’d brush the Summer by

With half a smile, and half a spurn,

As housewives do, a Fly.

Tessa’s brow furrowed. “The fuck?”

“What?” Billie asked, glancing between the phone and Tessa’s face.

“It’s Jamie, she’s sending me. . . poetry?”

Another text appeared with the next stanza.

If I could see you in a year, I’d wind the months in balls— And put them each in separate Drawers, For fear the numbers Fuse—

She texted the entirety of the poem, but one stanza in particular stuck out to Tessa. The second to last, which read:

If certain, when this life was out— That yours and mine should be

I’d toss it yonder, like a Rind,

And take Eternity—

And then Jamie finished her string of messages with credit to the poet, Emily Dickinson. Tessa stiffened. In their last life before the present day, she had gifted Jamie a book of Emily Dickinson works. If Jamie was seeking the poet out, that had to mean she did feel what Tessa felt, whether she knew what it was or not. It was there, it was real.

“She feels it, Billie,” Tessa said. “She must.”

She handed over her phone for Billie to read. “The old me might have said it was only a coincidence, but now. . . I think you’re right.”

“I mean, Jamie’s never read poetry before. She hardly read anything that wasn’t about football or tactics or whatever shite. She’s. . . she’s changing.”

Billie took her hand. “Don’t jump into anything yet, Tess. Being open doesn’t mean you can’t take it slow to figure out if it’s what you truly want.”

Tessa swallowed and nodded. “What do I say?”

Billie smirked. “How about a poem?”

Jamie laid in bed, staring at her phone, willing Tessa to reply. She had hoped the poem would be an olive branch. A way to further prove that she was changing. And the poem spoke to her. Something about the words evoked Tessa’s image in her mind. It brought forth a wave of emotion that threatened to overwhelm her.

The previous owner must have felt the same. In the margins, they had written a name, Rosie, in neat script. Jamie wondered if part of the connection came from the handwriting. They wrote their s’s in that same funny, half-cursive way that Jamie did. The curve on the R was similar, too.

Finally, three little dots appeared in a text bubble. Jamie sat up. Tess was writing back. She watched the three dots appear and disappear a few times until a message appeared at last.

Tessa

It cannot be my spirit, For that was thine before;

I ceded all of dust I knew, –

What opulence the more

Jamie’s heart was ready to burst. She wanted to respond, but three more dots appeared, followed by the next stanza.

Had I, a humble maiden, Whose farthest of degree

Was that she might,

Some distant heaven,

Dwell timidly with thee!

She finished the message with a snarky

As if you could out-woo me.

Jamie snorted and fell back against her pillows with a grin on her lips. Lips that had been warm and tingly from the moment she had kissed Tessa again. Three years of yearning had ended. And now, perhaps, there was hope for more.

Jamie texted back.

Is that a challenge, Gallagher?

Tessa

You bet, Hupp.

I’ve got a whole book of these poems and I’m not afraid to use them.

Sounds like quite the arsenal.

Your return fire was formidable too.

It took some Googling lol

No shame in the Google game. I had my book in front of me.

Is that what happened? You read it and thought of me?

Yeah. Is that lame?

Not at all. I want the whole arsenal.

Well, some of them seem to be about men.

Gross.

Agreed. But I promise to send you any of the poems that make me think of you.

I’m looking forward to it.

Me too ;)

I’m having girl’s night with Billie, but feel free to send more as you read.

Enjoy your night. Tell Billie hello from me.

Will do. Night, Jamie.

Night.

With a sigh, Jamie brought her phone to her chest and let herself bask in the glory of a moment with Tessa. Digital or not, progress was progress. She was going to have to tell Lila she’d be holding on to her book for a while longer.