Always on My Mind (Stanmore FC Soulmates #2)

25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

Jamie hadn’t sat down for her entire therapy appointment. She paced back and forth across Lila’s office, the expression on Tessa’s face when she’d pulled her hand away still etched in her brain. It would haunt her for years. Especially if it cost her Tessa.

“I keep letting her down,” Jamie said. “I keep hurting her. I know we had an agreement for being back together this time, but I know I can’t keep hurting her or it’ll be over. Why can’t I get there?”

Lila peered at Jamie from over her glasses. “How has it been with your father since you pushed back with him at Christmas?”

“Fine, I suppose,” Jamie said. “He has sort of backed off. Not completely, and he’s still on my case about mistakes, but nothing I can’t handle. Or ignore.”

“That’s progress. Have you shared that with Tessa?”

“Yeah. I think it helps, but those steps forward don’t count if we keep taking three steps back. I didn’t need to be weird at the baby shower. It wasn’t public. I should have held her fucking hand. God, I’m so stupid!”

Jamie buried her face in her hands and stopped walking. She wanted to scream or cry or rip out her hair. Anything other than endure the crushing weight of being a disappointment.

“I can’t win,” she said, dropping her hands back to her sides. “I either disappoint my father or I disappoint the love of my life.”

“You can’t please everyone, Jamie. What you’re after takes time.”

“And in that time, I am deeply hurting someone I love. Maybe we jumped the gun on being together.”

“Do you want to break up?”

“No, never! But I’m not sure what else will spare her feelings while I work through this.”

“It’s interesting you aren’t considering drastic action such as going no contact with your father,” Lila pointed out. “Any particular reason for that?”

“I don’t see the point, honestly,” Jamie explained. “He’d just show up at my house and berate me there.”

“So call the police.”

“I don’t want him arrested. Then he’d really let me have it.”

“Have you considered a restraining order? There are legal protections from harassment, which, as a therapist, is what I would call what your father does to you.”

“No, if I take legal action, it’ll be in the papers, and I don’t want them in my family’s business. Besides, he’s the only link to my mother.”

“I see. And have you spoken to her since your conversation at Christmas? I thought she made it clear she wanted you to get away.”

“She implied that, but I don’t want to lose her. Not if I can help it. She shouldn’t have to grieve for another child, even if I’m not dead or anything.”

All these thoughts had been swirling around in Jamie’s head in the days since the baby shower. Watching Tessa and Billie share such an emotional moment had nearly brought Jamie to tears. She had no one in her life she was that close to, except for Tessa. And Tessa was the one she was pushing away. With every falter, she put more distance between them. And eventually, Tessa would once again be out of her reach.

“Jamie, you are going through this considering everyone’s feelings except the most important person’s,” Lila said.

“Who’s that?” Jamie asked.

Perhaps Lila could tell her who to choose between her mother, father, or girlfriend.

“It’s you,” Lila said. “Your feelings.”

Jamie sat down. “Oh.”

She hadn’t even considered herself. Which she realized was Lila’s point. But her own feelings were difficult to discern. She loved Tessa. She feared her father. She pitied her mother. Her love for Tessa was easily the strongest, but acting on it had the most consequences.

“Jamie, you need to consider, before anyone else, what you want,” Lila said. “If that’s being with Tessa, we can come up with ways to say what you need to say to your father. If that’s focusing on yourself, we can also work together on what to say to Tessa if you need to take a break.”

“I can’t take a break from her, we’ve already broken up once,” Jamie said. “I won’t get another chance. She’s not like that.”

“Never say never.”

“No, I can confidently say it. We’ve already had four chances at this, and I’ve fucked it up every time.”

“Four chances?”

Jamie froze. She hadn’t told Lila about discovering her connection to Tessa in their past lives. But she remembered seeing that Lila had some spiritual practices on her website. Maybe this wasn’t the worst slip up.

“We’re soulmates, you see,” Jamie said. “From past lives.”

Lila pushed her glasses up her nose. “Are you now?”

“Yeah. You’re a psychic, too, right? You believe in all that?”

“I’m not a psychic, but I do believe in past lives,” Lila said. “I’m a past life regressionist.”

“Exactly. Tessa actually saw a past life regressionist, so she already knew, but for me to see it, I had to get a boot to the head—”

“Hold on a moment, Jamie. Is your girlfriend Tessa Gallagher by any chance?”

Jamie’s eyes blew wide. “No way.”

Lila nodded, a smile parting her lips. “My, my. The universe certainly has a way of working out. Tessa was my client last summer. Your first therapy session was only a few weeks later.”

“Shut up!” Jamie gasped. “That’s unbelievable!”

“And yet, here we are.”

“Wait, are you allowed to tell me that?”

“Certainly. Past life regression isn’t officially recognized as a medical practice. I’m not beholden to the same rules that would protect you from my telling her that you are my therapy client.”

“Interesting.” Jamie got to her feet again. “There’s no way that’s a coincidence, though. This has to be a sign, right? Do you believe in signs?”

“I believe few things are purely coincidental,” Lila said. “I can’t say for sure what is or isn’t a sign, but it’s clear that you and Tessa are continually linked to one another.”

“I’ll say,” Jamie agreed. “That book you let me borrow, the Emily Dickinson one, it was mine in a past life. A gift from her, actually. It triggered some feelings for me when I first held it.”

“Well then, I’ll allow you to keep it,” Lila said. “It’s rightfully yours.”

“Are you sure? It’s a first edition, it’s incredibly valuable.”

“Do you want to keep it?” Lila asked. “Be honest with me, and with yourself.”

Jamie didn’t need a moment to think. The answer came bursting out of her. “Yes. I want to keep it.”

“Then it’s yours.” Lila grinned. “And what a wonderful exercise in expressing a direct desire.”

“But that’s so small. Of course how I feel about a book is simple. Everything else is complicated.”

“When you first kicked a ball, did you get it in the back of the net?” Lila asked.

“No.”

“Exactly. Like all things, setting boundaries and expressing your needs and wants takes practice. You practice in here with me, the same way you do at training. Then apply it when you go out and take on your relationships, the way you do at a match.”

Jamie blinked, taking her seat again. “Wow. Thank you, Lila. I’m sorry I thought you were a kook when I saw that on your website.”

“I know I’m your therapist, Jamie, but some things can remain inside thoughts,” Lila said, though the corner of her mouth ticked up, betraying her amusement.

“Right,” Jamie said on an exhale, heat rising in her cheeks. “Sorry.”

“Love the honesty. Let’s work on timing, shall we?”

“Yes, let’s.”

“Wonderful. But first, I want you to answer this next question without thinking about it. There’s no right or wrong answer, but what you say will be where we put our focus in the next few sessions.”

Jamie nodded. “Got it.”

“Which relationship in your life do you feel is the most important?”

“Tessa,” Jamie answered.

In her heart, she knew it was the right one.

“Excellent,” Lila said. “Let’s begin, then.”

Tessa considered blowing off Jamie’s invitation to come over and stay the night. She might have been more compelled to follow through if Jamie hadn’t said there was a surprise waiting for her. Tessa was a sucker for a good surprise. At least, one she knew was coming. Not the kind where she nearly pissed herself in her kitchen because footballers were surprisingly quiet about the house. She had threatened to put a bell on both Niamh and Jamie more than once.

Her curiosity got the better of her, and she made her way to Jamie’s row house in her posh little neighborhood. They had exchanged keys ages ago, so Tessa let herself in upon arrival. A heavenly smell wafted from the kitchen—something buttery and garlicky, if she had to guess. Her stomach rumbled.

“Jamie?” she called as she came into the kitchen.

The lights were low, with two candles lit on the table. They stood between two place settings, with wine glasses and china plates and more than enough silverware. It was no wonder Jamie had told her to dress up. Tessa was glad she’d gone with a floral wrap dress and kitten heels.

She spotted Jamie at the stove, looking like a proper ride in her form-hugging trousers, and tank top. She wore some chunky boots, which the trousers draped over perfectly. Of course, everything was tailored, but her ass was particularly perky in the trousers. She’d wrapped her hair into a slick bun at the nape of her neck. Tessa noticed the tan lines at the spot where her training shirt stopped.

“You look hot,” Tessa said, setting her purse down on the island.

“Thank you,” Jamie replied.

She turned the burner down before walking over to kiss Tessa hello. The kiss was brief, but promising. Tessa held back a whimper when it ended.

“What’s all this about?” she asked, glancing around.

“I want to show you how much I love you,” Jamie told her. “With a steak dinner.”

Tessa swallowed down a reply that they could get a steak dinner and show off how sexy they looked if they went out instead of staying home. These gestures had a pattern. After Jamie hurt Tessa by pulling away, she did something akin to this to reel Tessa back in. And dammit, it worked. The sting of the baby shower slipped away, replaced by the soothing warmth of a candlelit dinner. Even if it was at home.

Tessa helped Jamie at the stove, where she seared their steaks for a few minutes on each side in a cast-iron skillet. The oven was already heated, so Jamie slid the whole thing inside once the meat was ready. In a second pot on the stove, she put a lid over the mashed potatoes.

Before Tessa could push for more about the dinner, Jamie picked up her phone and tapped the screen. A speaker on the island lit up and “Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson played. Jamie held out her hand. Smiling, Tessa took it.

She let Jamie encircle her arms around her waist, while she coiled her own around Jamie’s neck. Pressed together, they swayed to the slow beat of the music.

“When we were apart, I used to listen to this song and miss you so much, it would physically hurt,” Jamie murmured into Tessa’s hair. “Little did I know it was centuries of missing you on top of the last three years.”

Tessa wanted to remind her whose fault that was, but even more than that, she didn’t want to spoil the moment.

“I missed you too, Jamie,” she said. “But we’re together now. That’s what matters.”

Jamie drew back to look Tessa in the eyes. “I agree. And I hope you know how dedicated I am to being with you, Tess. I know I’ve been fucking that up lately, but I promise, I’ll do better.”

“You haven’t been fucking it up,” Tessa said, though she only half-believed the words. “I think maybe we should talk more about our expectations and how we might go about expanding our circle. But we can do that.”

“Of course. I want it to work this time. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you again.”

Tessa smirked. “Probably listen to Willie Nelson and be a sad sack.”

A low chuckle rumbled in Jamie’s chest. “Yeah, probably. What did you do when we broke up, then?”

Tessa’s cheeks heated up. She wasn’t exactly proud of her behavior after her breakup. And she wasn’t sure how Jamie might react to hearing it.

“I, er. . . I was sad too,” she said. “Listening to sad music and the like. The same, really.”

Jamie hoisted an eyebrow. “Tessa. You don’t have to lie to me. I can handle it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Quite sure.”

“Promise you won’t get mad.”

“I promise.”

“Okay.” Tessa took a deep breath to ready herself. “I fucked around. A lot. Anyone who was willing, I went home with. I did a massive disservice to the bisexual community by being a walking stereotype.”

Jamie stared at her, silent for so long, that Tessa feared she had short-circuited Jamie’s brain. Her expression was difficult to discern. She supposed that even after three lifetimes together, it wasn’t unreasonable to learn that your partner had a better poker face than you ever thought. Tessa tentatively poked Jamie’s shoulder.

“Jamie?”

Jamie answered with a crushing kiss. Tessa moaned and surrendered to the passion of it, letting Jamie push her into the island. Jamie’s mouth was urgent against Tessa’s, even as she lifted Tessa to set her on the countertop. Through the skirt of the dress, the contrast of the chilly, hard quartz to the heat of her skin made her shiver.

Jamie’s lips descended into the pulsing hollow of Tessa’s throat, brushing the tender skin there with her teeth. Tessa gasped and arched her back to press herself further into Jamie.

“If I’d known the idea of me fucking other people got you going like this, I’d have mentioned it sooner,” Tessa teased.

“Oh, baby, you misunderstand,” Jamie replied. “I’m going to make you forget you’ve ever been with anyone else.”

A shudder ran down Tessa’s back at the darkness in Jamie’s tone. She was never particularly dominant in bed, but apparently, Tessa could bring out something possessive. She liked it. She liked it so much, her core pulsed in response. Fire licked in her lower belly, begging for release.

Jamie yanked Tessa’s skirt up her thighs as she claimed her mouth in another blistering kiss. Tessa moaned into her mouth. Her legs fell open to allow Jamie to step between them. Tessa hooked her knees on Jamie’s hips, holding her in place.

Jamie clearly had no intentions of going anywhere. She slid her hand up Tessa’s thigh, inching toward her center, where Tessa’s knickers were damp. Damn, Jamie had an effect on her. In seconds, she was wet and panting.

Jamie’s fingers danced along the elastic of Tessa’s panties. Tessa whined and rocked her hips forward, too desperate for more of Jamie’s touch to even be embarrassed. Luckily, Jamie wasn’t holding back. She lowered her hand inside and found Tessa’s clit with her middle finger as if they were magnetic. Tessa keened, gripping Jamie’s shoulders like her life depended on it. If she were any stronger, she’d leave a bruise.

With quick, back and forth motions, Jamie teased Tessa’s clit swollen, until Tessa was begging for pressure to get her closer to her peak. The fire had spread to her bloodstream. She was ready to combust.

When she thought she couldn’t stand it a moment longer, Jamie sank two fingers into Tessa’s aching pussy. A groan tore from Tessa’s throat at the relief, especially when Jamie pressed the heel of her hand against Tessa’s clit. The delicious pressure fogged her mind. She forgot she was in the middle of Jamie’s kitchen.

As Jamie thrusted her fingers and rolled her wrist, Tessa lost herself in the reverie. She was Tessa and Verity and Aisling and Rosie. Filled with love and desire for the woman before her. The woman her soul sought throughout time. Only that woman could give her the blinding, blissful, breathtaking physical experience of her love. Under Jamie’s hand, it was as if no one else had ever touched her.

Stars in her eyes and Jamie’s name on her lips, she burst into flame at last. Her limbs trembled as she chased the remnants of her high, still clinging to Jamie as her support. She swallowed, and it pricked her throat. She hadn’t realized how dry it had gotten as she cried out. Once she could hear again, Jamie’s voice came in clearly.

“That’s it, baby,” she said gently.

“Jesus. . . ” Tessa panted.

Jamie slowly removed her hand, but pressed a tender kiss to Tessa’s temple. Tessa closed her eyes to the contact, but opened them when cool air hit her thighs. Jamie dried her fingers with a paper towel. When Tessa was going to offer to clean them off, the oven beeped.

“Ah, steak’s done,” Jamie chirped.

“I’m familiar with the feeling,” Tessa said through a sigh.

Jamie laughed as she pulled on her oven mitts to pull the cast-iron back out. The smell enticed Tessa enough to remember she was hungry. Yet, she wasn’t sure she had the strength to leave the island.

Thankfully, Jamie offered to help her down once the steak was resting. She poured them each a glass of wine and handed Tessa to hers with a knowing smirk.

“Don’t look so smug,” Tessa said. “I thought of a few other people during all that.”

Jamie blanched. “What? Who?”

“Abigail and Kitty and Dinah.”

Jamie rolled her eyes, but smiled. “They’re alright, I suppose.”

Tessa giggled and pulled her in by her waistband to kiss her. For moments such as these, there was a lot she could endure. Even if she was hurt sometimes, wasn’t this worth it? She wanted to believe it was.