Always on My Mind (Stanmore FC Soulmates #2)

28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

Jamie stared at the tenth unanswered text she’d sent to Tessa. She knew it was useless, but she wanted—no, she needed to try. She had taken all these steps to get the chance to be with Tessa again, and somehow, had mucked it up. Seemingly beyond repair. But giving up wasn’t an option. Not when they had the soulmate connection. Not when Jamie was finally making strides.

Between texts to Tessa, she trained. Whether it was lifting weights, running, or doing some solo drills on the practice pitch, she occupied her mind with football. It was the one thing she always had going for her. Match day proved to be a blessing in disguise. At first, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to focus with her painfully heavy heart. But with Tessa gone back to Derry for a few days, she wasn’t fixated on her presence on the touchline.

Jamie assisted two of the three goals that won them the match. She celebrated with her teammates when they scored. The joy was hollow, though. It didn’t reach all the way to her bones the way it did when she was with Tessa.

Even football couldn’t fill the void Tessa had left behind. It was a distraction, nothing more.

On Monday, Jamie arrived early to training. She hid out in the weight room for over an hour, warming her muscles up. Letting her mind transfer its focus from the ache in her heart to the strength of her body.

She cooled down with a walk on the treadmill. While she caught her breath, Zahra appeared on the treadmill beside her. She was wearing a large sweatshirt with the hood up over her hair, which was her standard until she put on her hijab when they went outside.

“Good morning!” she said cheerfully.

“Morning,” Jamie replied, without even half of Zahra’s enthusiasm.

She hopped onto the treadmill and immediately tripped. Jamie’s hand shot out and caught Zahra before she could fall.

“Thank you,” she said, a hand to her chest. “Inshallah, I’ll stay upright once the machine is actually on.”

Jamie cast a sidelong glance at her teammate. Zahra was clumsy and accident-prone off the pitch, but nothing seemed to scare her. Somehow, she was able to shrug off a near wipe out on the treadmill, smile, and hum as she began her walk. Jamie would have taken that as a sign she shouldn’t attempt the treadmill that day and done stationary bike or something.

“How are you, Jamie?” Zahra asked.

“I’m alright,” Jamie lied.

“You were, like, insanely good at the match. And so serious. I thought you were angry at West Ham for some reason.”

“Perhaps it’s just. . . general feminine rage.”

“Well, keep channeling that and we might end up at the top of the table.”

Jamie shrugged. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Where was Tessa, by the way?” Zahra asked. “It’s not that I mind Nelle, but Tessa is so much fun.”

Jamie stiffened. For the first time, she regretted sharing her relationship with the team. She had never anticipated having to tell them about a breakup as well. She and Tessa had not discussed what to tell people or how they would navigate working together going forward.

“She, er, is visiting her parents,” she said. “I’m sure she’ll be back soon.”

“You don’t know?”

Jamie blinked back a fresh mist in her eyes. She had cried her eyes out in the car at the hospital the night Tessa officially broke up with her and had cried in bed every night since. But she had been able to hold herself together at training. Zahra’s sweet, concerned gaze made Jamie want to be honest. So she was.

“We broke up.”

It was the first time she had said the words out loud. Somehow, that made it more real. It hit her as strong as a punch to the gut. Tessa was gone. This was going to be her new reality.

“Oh, Jamie, I’m so sorry,” Zahra said.

She pressed the buttons on the treadmill until she slowed to a stop, and Jamie did the same. Her legs had gone numb.

“Are you alright?” Zahra asked.

Jamie shook her head. “I feel awful. It was all my fault. I was too much of a coward to love her openly, the way she deserves, and I lost her.”

“Are you sure it’s really over? Maybe you two could talk, and see if there’s something you can do to salvage the relationship. You seemed so good together.”

“Honestly, I’d been wondering if we had jumped the gun on getting back together in the first place. We have this. . . deep connection you see. That goes back further than most. And I thought that would be enough to keep us together, but until I’m ready to come out, there’s no hope.”

“What’s keeping you from coming out then?”

“I have a rather. . . complicated situation with my father, and if I came out, he would lose his mind. He doesn’t approve of being gay. And it would destroy our family.”

Zahra took Jamie’s hand and led her off the treadmill to one of the benches a few feet away. They sat down together. Zahra did not release Jamie’s hand though.

“Jamie, you have another family, you know,” Zahra said. “We would all be here for you if you wanted to come out and get away from your father. And a lot of the team gets it. Eliana and Neriah keep everything low-key. Though I suppose they’re lucky that her parents aren’t on social media or anything.”

“My dad watches my every move,” Jamie explained. “He comes to my house and berates me any time I screw up. I hear his voice in my head constantly. More than my own most of the time. It’s maddening.”

“It sounds like he’s pretty frightening.”

“More than you know.”

“That’s where courage comes in.”

“That’s easier said than done.” Jamie hated how defeated she sounded. “How do you do it? Live life so unafraid?”

Zahra sat up straighter. “My parents inspire me to be brave every day. Even in the little things.”

“How so?”

“They’ve been pretty open with me about leaving Palestine, our homeland,” Zahra said. “They’ve never shied away from telling me how scared they were to uproot their entire lives, with no guarantees they would ever be able to come back. But my mother was pregnant with me, and she wanted the best opportunities for her child. My father had come to England for university, and he told her all his stories about life here in London. England didn’t sound bad to her. But I think the most important thing was that neither my mother nor my father did it alone. They had each other through it all, and it made them that much stronger as a couple. And I’ve admired them for their bravery from the moment I was born.”

Jamie listened intently. She never knew that Zahra’s family had taken such a chance.

“There’s a lot that they miss about Palestine,” Zahra continued. “But they assure me all the time that they have never regretted their decision. London isn’t perfect, but because we are here, I am able to play football at one of the highest levels in the world. My mother was able to get an outstanding education like my father. We’ve formed a community with friends and neighbors. And for the most part, we’re safe here.”

“Wow,” Jamie said. “That’s. . . incredible, honestly.”

“Yeah,” Zahra replied with a smile. “I think so too. Especially because it instilled in me the value of courage. Of not letting fear overtake my desire for the things I want out of life. Because that’s what courage truly is. Being afraid and doing it, anyway.”

Jamie looked at the treadmill and realized how deeply Zahra held that truth. Her knee-jerk reaction was to face the challenge. To try again when she hit the ground. It made her a great athlete, and an even better person.

“Thank you, Zahra,” Jamie said. “I can hardly think of anything more inspirational.”

“Any time,” Zahra said. “I’m always proud to talk about my people and their resilience. And thank you for sharing with me. I think this is like, the realest conversation we’ve ever had. I feel like we’re proper friends now.”

“We weren’t before?”

“I mean, we were teammates, but I hardly knew anything about you other than your football and your sexuality—after you came out to us, of course. I never assumed anything.”

Jamie smiled for the first time in days. “You’re right, I suppose. I guess I know you better now, too.”

“I’m pretty much an open book,” Zahra said. “D’you know what? We should have a sleepover sometime.”

“A sleepover?” Jamie wrinkled her nose. “I thought that was for little girls.”

“Um, sleepovers are for everyone. It’s not about age, it’s about vibes.”

Jamie chuckled. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I would love to have a sleepover sometime.”

“Perfect!”

Zahra finally released Jamie’s hand to clap excitedly. The heavy grief in Jamie’s chest lightened, as if Zahra had picked up one end of it.

In the dressing room with the rest of the team, Jamie helped Zahra with her pin. They stretched together before jogging out to the practice pitch. Jamie warmed up with a buoyancy she hadn’t had in the days since her breakup. She didn’t lack any power when they conducted their passing drills. For a few blissful moments, she could put her sorrow away.

Until a blonde-haired, bespectacled, Irish woman walked onto the pitch. Tessa was back. And the mere sight of her was enough to send Jamie’s heart into a tailspin.

Tessa made her way onto the pitch, greeting Rebecca and Nelle, and a few of the other staff members. She was gorgeous in the partial sunlight. It shone on her hair and face, making her glow. Her smile was wide and warm. Jamie ached at seeing it directed at anyone but herself.

Tessa turned her head and her gaze found Jamie’s across the pitch. Jamie’s heart leaped to her throat. Her mouth went dry and her eyes stung with fresh tears. Time suspended, and the rest of the pitch faded away. They were the only two people in the world for the seconds they locked eyes.

The anguish of the centuries between them pressed into Jamie’s chest. She wanted to run, but whether it was toward or away from Tessa, she couldn’t decide. What would Tessa do if Jamie jogged over and kissed her? Would it change her mind? Would it be enough? Jamie wasn’t sure. Grand gestures were not what Tessa wanted. Not if they were empty.

Tessa was the first to look away. Without saying anything. Jamie bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. She swallowed hard, through impossible tightness. She tried to inhale, but the air stuttered in her chest.

She wasn’t sure which was worse. Tessa dumping her or seeing Tessa after getting dumped by her. Both were excruciating. The breakup had blindsided her, but she had anticipated this, and it didn’t make things any easier.

Without a word to anyone, Jamie retreated back to the dressing room. She needed a moment to breathe. To get her footing when the earth beneath her, her whole world, was off balance.

She sat on the bench outside her locker. On a sob, she buried her face in her hands, and let herself cry. A deep, shoulder shaking, gut wrenching cry. She released everything inside of her. The grief, the fear, the despair. The dam broke.

“Jamie?” Zahra’s soft voice called.

Jamie glanced up through swollen, red eyes. Zahra said nothing more. She only sat beside Jamie and pulled her into her arms. Jamie rested her head on Zahra’s shoulder and wept some more. Falling apart against a friend, leaning on her, gave Jamie the answer to one question. This was easier. At least now, someone else supported her.

When Jamie’s breathing returned to normal, Zahra nudged her upright. She wiped some of Jamie’s tears from her cheeks.

“Do you want to have our sleepover tonight?” Zahra asked.

“Yeah,” Jamie croaked out. “I don’t want to be alone.”

Zahra wrapped her arms around Jamie again. “You won’t be.”