Beautifully Complicated (Front Range University #4)

13. Kier

Chapter thirteen

Kier

NOVEMBER

A fter that near confession from Aiden about how he feels, all pretenses went out the window. No more talking about work and only work, now we talk about anything and everything.

Except how we feel.

That’s the one subject we both know is off limits, so by mutual—unspoken—agreement we don’t acknowledge it.

We don’t have to. We both know the score. Until his graduation, nothing changes. After that…somehow we’ll be together. That hasn’t been said in so many words, but we both know it’s true. We just have to be patient.

It’s agonizing not only to pretend we aren’t completely smitten, but to act like we aren’t either. As a result, there are far too many longing looks, painful sighs, even the occasional what if from Aiden, a thought that never gets finished since my warning glare stops him from saying anything else.

Thank God it’s usually just the two of us in the lab, because I’m fairly sure we’re shit at hiding how we feel. But we’re holding strong outside this room, rarely—if ever—coming into contact. That means we’re spending an ungodly amount of time in the lab, maximizing every last second we can spend together, but it’s the best we can do under the circumstances.

As I wait for Aiden to arrive, I absentmindedly review the numbers on my screen, thinking more about what we might talk about than what the data means.

Whipped, thy name is Kier.

I’m still gob smacked by all this. The depth of my feelings after a single night is one thing, but where they are now? Counting the minutes until I can see him. Constantly fighting the urge to touch him so we don’t cross any lines. Daydreaming about what we might become once the barriers between us are gone, whenever that may be.

That’s the hardest part of all this, the unknown. Aiden has applied to several schools where he might pursue his masters, and he’s also put feelers out to a few companies. Regardless of which path he chooses, he’ll receive a recommendation from me, and we both know that to avoid the perception of special treatment he’ll need time to get established before we can act on our feelings. We just don’t know how much time will be needed.

Compounding that is the fact I’ve got my own future decisions to make, and in many ways, those are contingent on where Aiden ends up.

The university would make room for me to stay here if I want, because my research can bring them notoriety, investors and new students. But how could I stay here if Aiden remains a student here, or anywhere else for that matter. Getting through this year will be hard enough. Add long distances to the equation and… Nope.

I could go back to my former position, assuming Aiden chooses a school or a company near Boston, but the only suitable company is the one I’d be working for, so while that’s not a deal-breaker, it does suggest that we’ll have to tread carefully so we don’t violate any policies about workplace relationships.

Who knew falling for someone in the same field would be so difficult?

Regardless of what the future holds, the one thing I know for certain is that I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Aiden is in it. All I wanted in coming to Colorado was a chance to see if he was everything I believed him to be that first night. Everything I believed we could be together . In many ways I’ve confirmed the former, but as for the latter…

I want that chance, even if I have to wait months for it. And while the days are passing, the end never seems to get any nearer.

Aiden bustles into the room, bringing the crisp scent of cool air with him, and hangs his jacket on the hook by the door.

“Hi.” My whole body seems to exhale now that my eyes are on him.

“Hi.” He breathes in return, standing close enough for me to see the tiny flecks of gold in his toffee eyes, but not close enough to touch.

Neither of us moves for a beat as we wage the familiar, internal battle over wanting to close the distance and knowing we can’t. Usually, this ends when a forlorn sigh passes through Aiden’s lips, and he goes to sit at his workstation where we talk from across the room. Today, that sigh doesn’t come.

“I can’t do it,” he whispers.

Every nerve in my body goes on alert. “Can’t do what?”

“Make it to graduation. I can’t.” He rubs his chest, a haunted look on his face. “It hurts too much.”

My first instinct is to spring up from my chair and take him in my arms, holding him the way I’ve been dying to for months. But I ignore the pain in my own chest and try to rationalize our situation. “I know this is hard, but we have to wait until you have your degree.”

“I can’t make it that long.”

He sounds so forlorn, my heart feels ready to crack, yet at the same time, I’m not sure where this is coming from. The last few weeks—after the initial moment to mourn what we can’t yet have—he’s been the same confident, funny, sexy guy I spent the night with. And while we both obviously want more, he seemed comfortable in the knowledge that we’d get there one day.

This panic, or whatever it is, doesn’t make sense.

“We have to. For our future.”

“And what if the future doesn’t look the way we want it to? What if you can’t find a job where I go to school? Or what if we end up working at the same place but we aren’t allowed to be together because once again you’d be my supervisor or mentor. Then we’d have given up now and later.”

“I won’t let either of those things happen. I have a lot of clout, in both the academic world and the business world. One way or another I’ll make it so nothing stands in our way. We just have to get through your graduation, Leanbh.”

Some of the tension leaves him when I use his nickname, but it doesn’t bring a smile to his face the way it usually does.

“Where’s this coming from? What happened?” I prod gently.

Aiden’s shoulders droop. “Bennet’s been on my case about working too hard. He wants me to go home with him and Damien for Thanksgiving, and Damien thinks they should set me up on a date.”

No!

I start to lurch for him but stop myself before I can get all the way off my stool, knowing if I get him in my arms, I won’t be able to let go.

“What did you tell them?” I manage to keep my voice steadier than I feel.

“I said I was busy for Thanksgiving. And they haven’t actually set me up yet, I just overheard them talking about it. If they do, I can’t even tell them why I’d be saying no, yet saying no would just make Bennet more concerned.”

There are any number of things I can do to diffuse his pain right now. Asking how I can help. Telling him this is all just temporary. Reminding him that he knows how much I want him, even if I can’t show it. But my mind keeps circling back to what he said about the future looking different than we want it to, alluding that the now is the only thing we can control.

What if he’s right? What if I don’t have the clout I think I do, or the best opportunity for him doesn’t come with a corresponding opportunity for me?

The ugly truth is that we won’t be in control of our personal lives unless we’re in control of our professional ones, which will never happen if we work for other people.

Starting my own company is an idea I’ve toyed with off and on for years, but I never had a reason to take the leap since there were companies out there willing to provide the resources I needed. I’ve never loved the fact that those companies have to report to shareholders, meaning profits were often prioritized over progress, but my research is expensive, so I usually kept that opinion to myself lest I jeopardize the funding I received.

I don’t love the notion of building a company, I’m a scientist not an entrepreneur, but if that gives me control of my destiny with Aiden…

Who was that guy that approached me a few years back with an idea for a new company? I politely declined since I was in the middle of a breakthrough with one of my algorithms, and I didn’t want to split my attention between the research and starting a business. Now that I have Aiden, the research can continue even if I’m not doing it full time, so it’s much more feasible to explore a startup without losing valuable time.

I wonder if that guy is still around somewhere.

As per usual, once an idea pops into my head it’s damn near impossible to keep the wheels from turning. But Aiden’s genuinely worried—about us —and I need to put his mind at ease.

Breaking all the rules I’ve set for us, I stretch my hand out. Aiden stares at it for a second, almost as if he’s waiting for me to take it back. When I don’t, he puts his hand in mine, and I lace our fingers together.

“It’s going to work out, Leanbh.”

He gives me a timid smile.

“Where’s that adventurous man I met at the bar? The one who stepped out of his comfort zone to buy me a drink.”

“He’s afraid of losing the thing he wants most in the world.” His words cut straight to my heart, making it thud heavily in my chest. “Besides, I said I was trying to push my boundaries a little, not that I’d overcome them. I could be anyone I wanted that night because you wouldn’t know any different, so it was a whole lot easier to act confident when you had no reason to think I wasn’t. And plus, I didn’t have anything to lose that night. Now…” His brow wrinkles as his words trail off.

I do actually get what he’s saying about putting on a different face for me. It’s one of the reasons I probably wouldn’t have accepted his drink offer had I known I was familiar to him. It would’ve meant I had to be who he expected, and even though that’s not much different than who I am, I still would’ve felt pressure to live up to his expectations.

And now, sometimes it’s easier to act confident in front of strangers than to be vulnerable in front of friends, so the fact he’s letting me see his fear just endears him to me that much more. Since that fear is losing me …

God, I wish I could kiss him right now.

“Do you trust me, Leanbh?”

“You know I do.”

“Good. I have several plans. I don’t know which will be the best option, but the only thing that’s not an option is being kept apart from you any longer than necessary. Okay?”

The corner of Aiden’s lip pulls up slightly as he nods. Then he squeezes my fingers and lets go, showing me some of the strength I know is in there, even if he’s not feeling it in spades right now.

“You know, you never told me why you call me that,” he says.

“Leanbh?”

“Yeah. I know what it means—I looked it up—but why choose that for me?”

I’ve never stopped to consider this since it just felt right from the very start, but for once I don’t have to analyze my answer before I give it. “That’s what my dad has always called my mom. Even before I knew what it meant, the tone he used was so clearly special. Something reserved just for her. I’m not even sure he knew he was doing it, just like I didn’t realize I was doing it with you at first. Once I did—” I shrug sheepishly “—that’s just who you are to me.”

“God, could you be any more perfect?” Aiden groans with an eye roll that’s obviously intended to downplay the moment since he can’t respond the way he wants.

“Maybe. I watched the first Spiderman movie.” I wink in return.

Aiden’s jaw drops in that way you see people do when they’re exaggerating their surprise, which should be innocent enough, but gives me salacious flashbacks about what can fit in that mouth. I have to shake my head to clear it, so that memory doesn’t lead to other untimely reactions.

“You watched an animated film? For me?”

“I told you I was starting to see them in a different light after you raved about Spiderman.”

“And?” He’s so eager for my response he rocks forward on the balls of his feet.

“I identified with the main character far more than I expected to.”

“He’s so real, don’t you think?” Aiden’s whisky eyes seem to sparkle. “And his struggle about trying to live up to his father’s expectations… What man hasn’t lived that himself? Not to mention, the animation is gritty instead of fluffy, so it feels more authentic.”

“Whoa,” I laugh. “I had no idea you were such a fanatic.”

He blushes adorably. “Okay, you might’ve uncovered one of my more juvenile pleasures. But don’t bring up my age. People twice as old love this movie.”

“A good story can be loved by all ages.” My eyes find his and hold his gaze.

“Exactly,” he says softly.

I’m pretty sure neither one of us is talking about the movie anymore.