Beneath Dark Skies (Rolling Hills Ranch #1)

33. Farron

THIRTY-THREE

FARRON

RAINY OVERLOOKS

Day 426

The wind whips at my hair, the cold air biting at my nose as EJ and I make our way around the fence line, checking the perimeter. Technically, it wasn’t my job today, but after another restless night plagued with nightmares and my mind racing early in the morning, I knew I needed to get on my horse and get moving, finding something to focus on.

I make my way along the perimeter again, and not a damn thing has changed from the last three times, but I can’t help myself. If I stop moving, and stop focusing, then my brain will start running a million miles an hour, and I want so badly to avoid that. The routine of patrolling, of making sure everything is secure, helps to calm my thoughts.

After I finish this fourth round, I know that it’s ridiculous and borderline worrisome if I go again, especially given that most everyone is up and moving at this point, and they’ll easily notice my movements. With a sigh, noting that everything is as it should be, I decide to go for a long ride with EJ. The overcast sky and slight drizzle add to my melancholy.

EJ senses my restlessness and responds with a gentle nudge, his warm breath visible in the cold air. We move away from the fence line and head towards the open fields, the vast expanse a temporary escape from the confines of my mind. As we ride, the drizzle turns into a light rain, the drops cold against my skin. It’s almost cathartic, the way the rain seems to wash away some of the heaviness I feel. The landscape around us is a blur of gray and green, the mist softening the edges of everything, creating a surreal, almost dreamlike quality.

The rain falls lightly, like a gentle mist, dotting EJ's dark mane as we slow to a walk. We reach the edge of the woods, and I slow EJ to a full stop, letting him take a rest. The trees provide a slight canopy, shielding us from the worst of the rain as I hop down from his back. Leaning forward, I rest my forehead against EJ's sturdy neck, seeking solace in his familiar warmth as the smell of wet earth and pine fills my senses.

Just as I predicted, sitting still does me no favors. My mind takes off, moving in a dozen directions all at once. Holden has been gone for more than a month now, and with each passing day, my worry grows. We’ve never had a supply run last this long, and even if he decided to go further out, he should have been back by now. I’m scared shitless that I’ll never see him again, that another death will fall on my shoulders, giving me more grief and guilt to carry.

I think back to that intense moment with Theo a few days ago, when I lost control and ravaged him, climbing into his lap like a mad woman. I surrendered to the pull between us and have been tormented by a whirlwind of emotion ever since. The memory of our kiss lingers like a bittersweet ache, haunting me, a reminder of my own vulnerability.

In the days that have followed, I’ve been avoiding all three men like the plague. I make excuses and leave the room whenever they show up, unable to face them. I keep myself busy during mealtimes, unable to face sitting across from them, with no choice but to confront the unspoken tension that’s grown between us. Even my regular meetings with Theo have become a source of anxiety, and I’ve been skipping them, not having the courage to face him and the unresolved emotions from that kiss.

It’s a vicious little dance, this cycle of avoidance and isolation, but I can’t seem to break free. With each passing day, my guilt and confusion only grow. I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of stress, feeling lost and overwhelmed in the face of my emotions and my mind.

Constant worry gnaws at me like a rabid animal, each passing day amplifying my fears about Holden. But it’s not just him that I’m worried about–it’s the idea of opening myself up to more people, of letting the guys in and risking the same heartache and pain that’s been haunting me for the last year. The weight of all my past mistakes is a heavy burden on my shoulders, one I can’t seem to shake. All I see when I look at myself is a pattern of hurt and ruin, and I’m so terrified of inflicting that sort of pain on anyone else. I can’t bear the thought of being a bad luck charm for these men, of bringing them the same suffering I seem to bring everywhere I go.

But it doesn’t stop there. Theo, with his tender heart and soulful eyes, the memory of our kiss lingering on my lips… I’ve developed feelings for him, ones that I can’t ignore or deny. Being around Theo stirs something deep within me, something I’m not sure I’ve ever truly felt before, and it’s terrifying.

And then there’s Adrian, his magnetic presence drawing me in like a winged insect to a funeral pyre. His infectious laugh and his charisma are such a reprieve from everything going on in my mind. His silly remarks are one of the best parts of my days. Even Kenji is becoming harder to resist.

Caught in the tangled web of my emotions, I can’t help but struggle to make sense of it all. What does it mean to feel so drawn to three different men like this? What’s wrong with me that I can’t seem to resist them or choose between them? I have no clue how to navigate these waters.

As my mind races, tears well up in my eyes, tracing silent paths down my cheeks. It's a familiar sensation, this overwhelming flood of emotions threatening to engulf me, leaving me feeling drained and exhausted. God, I’m so tired of always crying, of always falling apart.

I speak to EJ, pouring my heart out to him, confiding in him. He probably doesn’t understand the words I’m saying, nor would he even care, but his silent presence gives me comfort.

Eventually, I climb back onto EJ and start riding again. He snorts, his breath visible in the cold air, and I pat his neck, grateful for his steady companionship. He’s a good horse, always reliable, always there when I need an escape. Together, we navigate the familiar trails, each twist and turn offer a brief distraction from the turmoil inside me.

As we crest a small hill, I pull EJ to a stop and take a moment to look out over the land. You can see all the homes and farms below. The ranch sprawls out below, a patchwork of fields and fences, with the main house a distant, comforting presence. Despite everything, this is home, and for all its heartache, it’s a place of safety and love. I take a deep breath, the cold air filling my lungs, and try to let go of some of the tension that’s been building inside me.

“Come on, EJ,” I murmur, urging him forward. “Let’s go back home.”