Best Of Both Worlds (Colorado Black Diamonds #4)

Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

GRAHAM

“ N ashville. Number ninety-eight. Two minutes for cross-checking.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Marcus shoves me toward the sin bin. “You’re lucky they didn’t toss you out of the game!”

“They’re playing like assholes!” I shout back at Marcus, tugging at my helmet. “Maybe if they weren’t such dicks!”

Raising my voice, I egg on the other team. I can’t help myself. These last two weeks have been some of the worst of my playing career.

Cheap shots? I’ve been the king of them. Taking out my anger on anyone that crosses paths with me.

Boos rain down on me from the home crowd. Hard to blame them when I just gave the other team a power play.

“Get your head out of your ass, Fisher!” a fan shouts from behind me as the door shuts me into the tiny box. “You want them to beat us?”

I do my best to ignore the chirps and insults thrown my direction as play starts up again. I’m following the puck, watching our defensemen trying to block Dallas from getting into our zone. A few quick moves from one of their forwards and they’ve scored.

“Fuck.” One well-timed goal and they’re ahead of us. “Fuck.”

I slam my stick against the boards before exiting the sin bin to even more boos. I can’t remember a time when I’ve ever played this bad.

My head isn’t in the game. It’s the furthest thing from being here in our arena in Nashville. Hell, it’s probably where my heart is right now.

In Denver.

Because ever since Noah left, things haven’t been okay.

I’ve been half-assing practice, games…hell, even life. It feels like I’m skating through mud getting back to the bench.

An angry stare from the assistant coach greets me as he opens the door for me to take my spot on the bench.

“Get your head in the game, Fisher,” Coach Andrews tells me as I grab my water bottle. “No more stupid penalties. We don’t want to give them this game.”

“Got it.”

I take a swig as I watch the puck drop at center ice. Any other time, I’d be watching Noah take the puck.

With him gone, Dax has stepped up into his position.

And I fucking hate it.

It’s Noah’s starting spot, not Dax’s. No matter how well he’s doing, I want to go out there and rip it away from him. I don’t care that we’re on the same team. It’s like I’m not supporting Noah by wanting him to do well.

This is why I haven’t been able to keep my head on straight. It’s been tied up with and about Noah. I can’t keep going on like this.

“Fisher! You’re up.” The slap on my back has me flying over the boards and back into the action. For the next however many minutes I’m on the ice, I push every single thought out of my head.

It’s not my best skating, but at least I manage not to draw another penalty. It’s what allows me to push through the rest of the game as the Knights secure a win over Dallas.

No thanks to me.

The locker room is hopping. Every guy in here is ecstatic as Coach Andrews follows the last few guys into the room.

“That was a hard-fought win, gentlemen. We tried to give it to them a few times.” I don’t miss the subtle way Coach’s eyes linger over me before moving on. “I know it was hard to lose a player of Noah’s caliber, but I think we’re doing a great job filling that void.”

“We want to make him proud,” someone pipes up from the other side of the locker room. I’m not sure who it is.

Hanging my head in shame, I stare down at my skates.

“I’m sure he is,” Coach agrees. “I want to take this energy we’re playing with down the stretch and maybe we might even be talking about playoffs. So rest up tonight, and we’ll study film tomorrow then we’ll work on cleaning up our mistakes. And let’s not forget to congratulate Marcus, who will be heading to the All-Star game this weekend.”

Cheers and claps echo around the locker room.

“Make sure to represent the Knights well,” Coach Andrews tells him.

“You know I will.”

He nods at him. “Finish it off for me.”

Coach takes a step back as Marcus moves into the center of the locker room. “Alright, men. You heard him. Let’s keep this going. Knights on three. One, two, three…”

“Knights!”

My voice doesn’t carry the usual enthusiasm it has after a big win.

“Fisher. My office when you’re done.”

Coach doesn’t even give me the chance to acknowledge him before he’s out the door to where the coaches’ offices are.

I can’t keep going on like this. Just the thought of Noah has my heart clattering around in my chest. Something’s got to give.

Being at home by myself is too hard. Everywhere I look, there are memories of me and Noah. Of better times. Of when he was still here and not back in Denver with his family.

Not with me.

Because that’s not what we are to each other anymore.

“You doing okay?” Bode asks me, pulling me out of my errant thoughts. Thoughts that have been taking over every aspect of my life.

“Sorry. I’m just not with it.”

Jasper comes up, clapping me on the shoulder. “Are you worried about Noah?”

“Uhh, yeah.”

“He’s going to be okay, right? Isn’t that what the doctor said?” Bode asks.

“Yeah. Just hard to see a teammate go down like that.”

“He’ll bounce back. Come back better than ever next season,” Jasper tells me. “He came back this season after that injury last year and look how good he was playing.”

“Right.”

No need to point out that the injury was at my hands, but I’ve had too much self-flagellation for one day.

“Playing like an asshole isn’t going to help,” Marcus chimes in. “I know it sucks, but the longer you’re in the league, the greater chance it is you’ll get injured.”

“Is this supposed to make him feel better?” Jasper asks. “Because this isn’t much of a pep talk, Cap.”

Marcus rubs his nose, subtly flipping him off. “All I’m saying is, it happens. And the doctors said he’ll make a full recovery. So why worry when he’s going to be okay?”

Why worry?

If only I could tell these guys what is really bothering me. It’s so much more than Noah’s physical well-being.

It’s my own well-being at stake too.

I don’t want anyone else—man or woman. I want Noah Fields. Noah is the only person I’ve ever felt this way about. It’s like I can’t reconcile a way to be without him.

But I have to figure out a way to make it through the rest of the season without self-imploding. Wouldn’t do anyone any good if I lost my position with the Knights. I’m still on a rookie contract and could be traded.

Which is the last thing I need if I want to be able to have a relationship with Noah.

Grabbing my towel, I hit the showers, wanting to get my conversation with Coach over and done with. I let the hot water stream down my body. It helps to calm the raging thoughts going through me.

Mainly what I’m going to say to Coach Andrews.

I wave to a few of the guys as they head out before I change back into my suit and head toward my reckoning.

The red carpet under my feet softens my footfalls. The windows looking into the other offices are dark, as most people have already cleared out after the game, likely going out to celebrate another great win.

I knock on the door, where Coach is waiting and calls me in.

A whiteboard takes up almost the entire wall to the right of me, with a desk piled high with papers. Coach Andrews is always studying our stats and other players’ stats as well as looking for any edge he can get on any team we play. As any coach should do, but our old coach? Being a student of the game wasn’t on his radar.

“Graham. Thanks for coming.”

“You wanted to see me?”

I drop down into the seat across from him. Coach Andrews pulls off his thick glasses and drops them onto the desk in front of him.

“Is everything okay with you, Graham?”

Wiping my hands on my suit pants, I lean back in the chair. There’s no point in lying to him. I’m clearly off my game. Anyone who knows anything can see that.

“I, uh, I guess I was a little more shaken up about the hit Noah took than I let on.”

“It’s okay that you were. A lot of the guys were. But you need to talk to us about these things.”

“I guess our old coach didn’t really let us express our feelings.”

Coach Andrews shakes his head. “Look. I know a lot of people still frown upon men having feelings, but something traumatic happened, and I want you to feel you can come to me.”

“Okay.”

“And not go after other players to take out whatever you’re feeling.”

That has a chagrined smile spreading across my face. “I know. I haven’t been at my best.”

“Do you need some time off? It’s okay if you’re not doing okay.”

“No!” I bark out, a little too loudly. “Sorry, Coach. I’ll get my head back in the game. No more dumb mistakes.”

“We need you, Graham. You’ve been an asset to this team from the beginning, and I’d hate to see that change because of something that is out of your control.”

“I’m sorry, Coach. I promise, I’ll get my head back in the game.”

“Is that it? Nothing else is bothering you?” He twirls the pen in his hand around his fingers, studying me.

I shake my head. “No, Coach. That’s all. I’ll make sure tonight won’t happen again.”

“Good. And you know my door is always open should you need to talk about anything.”

“I know. Thanks, Coach.”

“Get out of here. I’ll see you for practice tomorrow.”

“See ya.”

I don’t waste another minute before bolting out of his office and running out of the arena. I’m not in the mood to be stopped again and asked about my performance tonight.