Between Then and Now

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Bonita

I push aside all thoughts of my outburst earlier and just focus on this moment. Ryan is being nice to me, as a friend or not, it shouldn’t matter. There’s so much I want to tell him, but maybe this blank book will do for now.

I write about how our date gave me butterflies. How our practice kiss catapulted my feelings into a rabbit hole. And that when I saw his face as I regained consciousness that day, all I wanted was to keep him close and never let him go. I keep my paragraph short and concise, and then I glance at him. He’s writing too. And in the dim light of the room, he looks like a sculpture. The small light bulb overhead casts over him like a spotlight. He’s wearing a casual shirt and opted to wear shorts tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this before. It’s perfect.

When he’s done, we smile at each other, and things are suddenly okay. I’m suddenly okay.

“Hey, thanks,” I say. “For everything. I don’t even know where to start.”

“You don’t have to,” he says. “Are you done writing?” I nod, and we put back our books where they belong.

We spend a few more minutes scanning through the other books and reading what other people have written.

“This is incredible. Some are so heartfelt, and others are just writing shit in here,” Ryan says as he chuckles.

“Yeah, like this one,” I say, walking to him. “Dear future reader, I tried to leave some profound wisdom here, but all I could think about was empanadas. So, eat empanadas. A lady is selling them in the next street.” I chuckle lightly.

“This one says, ‘Dear future me, next time, bring a map.’ They probably got lost and ended up here,” Ryan says.

“Sounds like a fun adventure, if you ask me,” I say.

We scan the room for a few more notes, each one a glimpse into the thoughts of strangers who once stood where we are now. As we put the books back on the shelves, a comfortable silence settles between us. The warmth of the moment lingers, and I feel a sense of closeness with Ryan that I haven’t felt with anyone in a long time.

Ryan glances at his watch, then at me. “It’s getting late, but there’s one more place I want to show you. If you’re still up to it.”

“As long as we check out the empanadas in the next street,” I say. My stomach suddenly rumbles in perfect timing.

“Didn’t you eat dinner?” he asks as we step out of the chamber of secrets. I’m sure it’s not called that, but it’s fitting.

“Two slices of boring pizza,” I say.

“What, no disgusting topping?” he asks, chuckling.

“And risk being judged? No way,” I say as Ifollow Ryan back to the plaza.

“Well, you certainly won’t be called boring.”

“It will surely circle me back to the ‘too much’ category.” I shrug. There’s no winning with guys like John.

We get our empanadas and we both eat as we walk toward wherever he’s taking me. By the time we finish our food, a lighthouse is visible from a distance, its light unmistakable in the night sky.

“This is it,” he says, his voice filled with a quiet reverence. “The lighthouse.”

The base of the lighthouse is surrounded by a low stone wall, enclosing a small, well-kept garden. Even in the dim light, I can make out the shapes of various plants and flowers, their leaves rustling gently in the evening breeze. A cobblestone path leads from the gate to the entrance.

“Are we allowed to go inside?” I ask, already walking along the path.

“One way to find out,” he says.

We climb the narrow spiral staircase, our footsteps echoing in the stillness. “Since when are you a rule breaker?” I tease.

“Technically, we’re not even sure if there’s a rule we’re breaking,” Ryan says as we continue our ascent. The air grows cooler as we go higher, but I barely notice because the mere inches between us fill me with a warmth that nothing else could provide.

“But if it brings a smile to your face, Bon,” he says as he stops and turns to face me. His eyes gleam in the darkness as he adds, “then I’d break a thousand more.”He flashes me a smile.

His words—and his face—send a flutter through my stomach, but I keep it cool, smiling back at him. “That’s a lot of rules to break just for a smile.” Oh God, was that flirting? Am I flirting with Ryan?

“It’s not just a smile, though,” he says softly, locking eyes with me, “It’s yours.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what did me in. The drowning last week? Child’s play. But this right here? Game over for Bonbon.

He turns away before I can respond. Thank God. Because I don’t know what I’d say to that.

When we reach the top, the view takes my breath away. The endless expanse of the ocean stretches out before us, waves crashing against the rugged coastline far below. The stars seem closer, the air crisper, and the world feels both vast and intimate at the same time.

We step out of the lantern room where the light is housed and look over the scenery from the lighthouse balcony. The balcony itself is a narrow walkway encircling the tower, protected by a sturdy wrought-iron railing. The floor is cold beneath our feet, and the wind tugs playfully at our clothes and hair.

“Wow, this is amazing,” I say breathlessly. I lean against the rail and watch as the ocean waves crash against the cliff below. Without thinking, I clutch Ryan’s arm beside me.

“What’s wrong?” he says. I turn away from the ocean wave and start walking around the lighthouse so I’m looking at green mountains instead.

“The ocean waves. Just made me a bit woozy,” I say. I remove my shoes and sit on the iron floor, with my legs dangling from the rails. Ryan sits next to me, except he’s leaning on the rails so we’re facing each other.

“Yeah, waves are scary,” he says.

“What do you mean? You went in angry ones to save me.” I shrug. “Surely not too scary for you.”

“I, uh…” Ryan starts, his contemplation obvious on his face. “I’m scared of the ocean. Always have been.”

I knit my brows. “Yeah, I remember. But why? And how did you save me if you’re scared?”

Ryan sighs. I think he’s contemplating whether he should tell me this story. “You don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable,” I say.

“No, it’s fine,” he says. He looks at me and I take him in. In the night sky, the blue of his eyes overpowers the gray, and it’s as if I’m staring into a vast expanse of the ocean again. This ocean, though, is one I’d happily dive into. Ryan smiles and bends one knee, propping his foot flat on the ground. His arm then casually rests on his raised knee, and then he starts talking.

“When I was a kid—back before we even moved here—my family went on a vacation to the coast. It was supposed to be a fun trip, but I got caught in a riptide. I was pulled out so far, I thought I’d never see land again. I panicked, swallowing water, flailing around. My dad saved me, but…” He takes a deep breath. “His leg hit a jagged rock. He managed to get me back to shore, but the damage was done. He had to get surgery, and now he has a metal knee because of me. He… he never blamed me, but I could see the pain it caused him. Every limp, every wince, it was a reminder of what happened.

“I honestly thought it was one of the reasons why it was so easy for them to decide to live in a tropical country. Because winter made my dad’s knee unbearable.” He pauses for a while. “When my mom died, I knew he wanted to go back to Minnesota. Richard and I were growing up and he wanted to spend time with his siblings. But during one time we went on vacation there, his knee couldn’t handle the cold.

“It’s why I wanted to become a surgeon. I wanted to find a cure for his knee. Maybe discover something that can replace his bad knee. Long shot, I know, but worth it, I suppose.”

I stare at him, unable to hide my admiration. Admiration for what he’s trying to do for his father, admiration for opening himself and sharing a personal experience, and admiration for facing his fear to save me. “You’re incredible, you know that?” I tilt my head and place a hand on his outstretched arm.

“Says the woman who jumped into the ocean to save a random boy even when she didn’t know how to swim.” He smiles at me .

“I wouldn’t say that was incredible. Stupid, maybe. Reckless, possible. But incredible? Nah.” I stretch my arms behind me so I’m leaning on them. “You, on the other hand, are unbelievable. And surprisingly cheery tonight,” I say, lightening the mood. “Is this how it’s gonna be now that you’re not Mr. Grump?”

“I’m not a grump,” Ryan says. “I guess, at least not with you. You make me do things I don’t usually do.”

“Maybe I can finally convince you to try mangoes with pineapples on pizza.”

“Don’t push it,” he says, grimacing. “Anyway. As for your other question,” he says. “When I saw you in danger, I didn’t think of anything else. All I wanted was to pull you back to safety.”

“The waves didn’t scare you?” My voice trembles.

“Oh, they terrified me.” He chuckles softly. “But losing you was more terrifying.” His words hang in the air, and I feel a lump in my throat.

I’m not used to this. Nobody has ever spoken to me like this. Like I matter so much that losing me is terrifying. Like my eyes hold the answers to a million questions. Ryan’s looking at me like he’s waited for this moment, and that he had a million things to say. He’s looking at me like… like I’m looking at him.

“Bon, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Ryan finally says after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I–” he sighs. “I’ve tried to convince myself that I care about you because you’re my friend. That the reason I jumped into the ocean to save you was because I’m a good person. That, as a doctor, it was the right thing to do.” He pauses for a while, as if trying to find the right words. “I realized soon after that moment that there was another reason I was terrified of losing you. And it didn’t have anything to do with friendship or ethics. I…” He takes a deep breath, his eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart race. “I like you, Bon. Maybe more. Probably more.”

Remember what I said about his words killing me earlier? Yeah, scratch that. This is my real undoing.

My heart leaps at his words, as if it’s trying to get out of my chest. I can feel a rush of warmth spreading through me, mingling with the cool night air. I am a nervous pile of emotions right now, and I don’t know which one I should address first. Is it the confusion? The happiness? The fear? I open my mouth to attempt to make sense of things, but he cuts me off before I even start.

“Wait, let me finish,” he chuckles nervously, his voice trembling slightly. “You–you’re the only one I can be myself around. I don’t have to make those stupid notes on my phone so I can be guided of what to say. With you, I don’t worry,” Ryan says. “You make me feel alive, Bon. You challenge me, you make me laugh, you make me see the world in a different way. When I’m with you, everything just feels... right.”

His voice is soft as a whisper now. “You say you’re not enough. You say you’re too much. But you’ve always been just perfect for me, Bon. Even back when you were only my friend, there’s nothing I’d change about you.”

I don’t know how to react. My mind isn’t catching up to the beat of my heart; I think it’s stuck.

“And Alexa? The girl of your dreams?” I say, trying to chuckle despite the wavering of my voice .

“Turns out you’re the girl of my dreams, Bon,” Ryan chuckles. “And if I’m being honest with myself, you unconsciously have been for the longest time.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, that you’re the standard. You’re why I never found someone I wanted to talk to, to spend time with. Because I would always compare her to you. I was drawn to Alexa because, on the surface, I saw her act like you–bubbly, friendly. But when I actually got to spend time with her, I kept thinking of you, how you’d respond. It’s like I created an unattainable standard of a woman. A standard that the only person could meet is, well, you.”

I can’t say anything, and I don’t. I look at him, tears blurring my vision. It’s overwhelming to be thought of this way. For the first time in my life, my words fail me, so I stay silent. Ryan, thankfully, doesn’t force me to speak. Instead, he reaches for my hand, and I give it to him, feeling the warmth and reassurance of his touch.

We’re still seated facing each other, him leaning on the rails and me with my legs hanging off them. Ryan scoots closer, pulling me gently with him. Suddenly, there are mere inches between us. The world feels like it’s holding its breath as the sound of the waves crashing below fades into the background.

He cradles my face in his hands, his gaze locking onto mine with an intensity that makes my heart race. We stay like that for a long moment, just looking at each other, the silence filled with all the things I’ve left unsaid.

“So beautiful,” he whispers, his voice barely audible but carrying the weight of his emotions. His lips curve into a gentle smile, and I can see the sincerity in his eyes .

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he closes the gap between us. His lips brush against mine, feather-light at first, as if he’s giving me a chance to pull away. But I don’t. I lean into the kiss, feeling the warmth of his breath, the softness of his lips. The kiss deepens gradually, and the world around us fades away entirely. There’s only the two of us, connected in a way that feels both new and incredibly familiar.

This is all I’ve ever wanted for a while now, and this is the best kiss I’ve ever had. But why does my head feel like a jumble of emotions that are wrestling with each other? My heart is soaring, but my mind is a whirlwind of doubts and fears. What if this changes everything between us? What if we ruin the friendship we’ve built over the years? And then there’s the nagging voice in the back of my head, the one that never really goes away. What if he sees something that repels him, and this kiss becomes a mistake we both regret?

We pull away for a while, and I get lost in those eyes again. And as he kisses me again and his lips move against mine, all those thoughts begin to quiet down, replaced by the certainty of this moment. The way he’s holding me, the way he’s kissing me, it’s like he’s telling me without words that everything will be okay.

At least for now. The chaos in my mind can wait.