Bonded Beyond Regret (Mated to the Monster: Season 2)

CHAPTER 2

NYX

As I finish getting dressed for another day, I sink down onto the side of the bed. I’m tired. So fucking tired and there’s nothing I can do about it. Not now, not ever.

I keep my eyes trained on the floor because I know if I look to the left or the right then I’ll see a captured moment from my life before. It’ll be looking back at me. It’ll be mocking me.

There was a time when I had no idea that I would measure my life in before and after, but that’s the only way I seem to be able to survive now. The before was everything I wanted it to be when I was growing up.

Life is full. Of love. Of life. Of fun.

Who I was before could never have imagined what was ahead of me and the moment when my life would change completely. That moment has forced me to live in the after.

Life is dull. Without love. Without life. Without fun.

There is one bright spot in the after. Aisley.

She’s eight years old and the only thing that I have left of Andrew that has touched the before but will grow beyond it, and she keeps me in the after. Without her, I don’t know where I would be. I might have followed right along after Andrew to go and meet the Moon Goddess again.

But I couldn’t do that.

I had to stay and try to find a way to survive each day.

“Mommy,” Aisley’s voice, bright on the surface to cover the turbulent worry and sadness—both emotions she only has because of me—exist underneath. When I look up at her, she smiles. “What are we having for breakfast?”

I can’t help but smile at my girl. She could demand something specific for breakfast, but I think she knows this way I’ll have no choice but to make a decision and stay in the moment with her. It works; most of the time.

I make a humming sound and cross my eyes as I look at her. “What do you think we should have for breakfast?” Before she can answer, because the thought of cooking is exhausting, I blurt out, “What about visiting Grandma at the bakery? She always has some treats for us.”

“Yes,” she shouts. “I want a Danish. Do you think she has the cherry ones? She knows they’re my favorite.”

I can’t help but giggle at how excited my girl is. She’s always full of energy, which is good for me because it forces me to try to match her. I don’t even come close, but that’s okay. When getting out of bed is almost too much some days, if I can mirror half of my girl’s energy then it’s a win.

Aisley pulls on my hand to get me to follow her. I groan, “When did you get so strong?”

“Must be all the vegetables you keep making me eat,” she sasses right back with a look of disgust on her face.

“Seems they’re working. You should listen to me more often.” I stick my tongue out at her and she does it right back.

As we head out of the house, I don’t look at any of the pictures on the walls. I don’t want that reminder, and my mood is actually good right now; I want to roll with it. It’s not like I can ever escape memories of Andrew—the echo of pain and the hollow feeling inside of me is ever present.

I have a feeling I’ll never be able to escape them.

The moment I swing the door open to the bakery, Aisley shouts, “Grandma!”

Everyone in the bakery turns our way and, thankfully, they’re all smiling. Everyone who comes into mom’s bakery knows me and Aisley. If they complained, mom would put them in their place so fast. She’s not a confrontational female, but she will become a feral wolf for her pup and grandpup.

When I grow up, I want to be just like her.

Mom grins at me as she comes around the bakery counter with Aisley in her arms. She wraps an arm around my shoulders and gives a squeeze, even though it’s not easy for her to juggle the little girl who is doing her best impression of a spider monkey at the moment.

“Hi, Mom,” I murmur softly.

She kisses the side of my head and pulls back before giving me an assessing look. I brush it off because I’ve had no choice but to get used to people looking at me like they’re expecting me to burst into tears or to start destroying everything around me at any moment. If only everyone knew how close I am to doing both, probably at the same time.

Their scrutiny makes me want to scream. It makes me want to shift into my wolf and run through the forest without a thought or care about ever coming back.

But I can’t do any of that. I need to be strong, for Aisley. Always for my daughter.

Mom beams at me before chirping, “Why am I being graced with my two favorite girls?”

“We came for your goods, your baked goods,” Aisley shots back at her without even missing a beat.

I share a look with my mom, full of amusement, before we both laugh at my sassy daughter. Fuck. Andrew would find her hilarious.

A pang of loss and loneliness hits my chest. I try to push it away, but it’s almost impossible.

“Yeah,” I choke out, “what she said.”

“Well, we can’t have my girls starving.” Mom makes a sweeping gesture toward the display case, not caring at all about the other people waiting in line. “Have a look. I think I might have a few more orange rolls in the back too,” she whispers the last bit like it’s a secret.

Aisley squeals, since Mom’s orange rolls are her favorite. She’s out of the main room of the bakery and in the back before I can even blink.

Just as I take a step to follow my daughter, Alpha Whitaker breaks through in the mind link, “Nyx.”

“Yes, Alpha?” I try to not sound scared or nervous, but it’s not easy. It’s a rare occurrence for me to be linked by the Alpha.

Actually, I can’t remember the last time it happened. My stomach explodes with butterflies. Is there some sort of emergency? Did I do something wrong?

If Dad was injured during warrior training, Mom would have been contacted. Right? I think so.

My mind is whirling so bad while my wolf paces in my mind, not helping matters, I almost miss it when Alpha links again . “Let me start by saying, there’s nothing wrong. No one is hurt. This is not an emergency.” I breathe a sigh of relief, a very small one. “I would like you to come to my office as soon as you’re available.”

“Um,” I almost stumble over my thoughts and my words, “of course. I was just bringing Aisley to the bakery for some breakfast. She can hang out here while I come and meet with you.”

“Great,” he sounds relieved and I’m not sure how to take it. His voice takes on a sheepish tone, “Do you think you could grab one of Maggie’s orange rolls for Tilly? She loves them.”

I giggle softly. It’s cute that he wants to get a treat for his mate. Ignoring the stab of pain that’s soul deep, I assure him, “Of course. They’re Aisley’s favorite too.”

“Thank you,” he breathes out, clearly relieved. “I’ll see you soon.”

Mom is looking at me curiously when the link closes and my attention shifts to her. I nibble on my lip before blurting, “Alpha Whitaker wants to meet with me?” Relief floats across my mom’s face and I have no idea why. I shake it off because I can’t take that on as well right now. “He also asked me to bring an orange roll for Luna Tilly.”

Mom grins from ear to ear before nodding and moving back behind the display case. She starts boxing up a roll for Luna Tilly while asking the next person in line what they would like. I’ve always loved watching Mom work. She does it with a grace and ease that would make a fairy jealous.

I go and let Aisley know that I’ve been called to a meeting at the packhouse, not wanting her to worry about me meeting with the Alpha. She barely even waves at me because she’s too focused on the roll she’s eating. It’s almost as big as her head, but I know she’ll put it down without a problem.

Hell, she’ll probably ask for a second one knowing her.

I kiss the top of her head before heading back to the front of the bakery. Mom’s smile is reassuring and full of love as she points to box. I grab it, take a deep breath, and then head over to the packhouse.

The entire time I’m walking, it feels like I could look to the side and find Andrew walking right next to me. But I know he’s not there. He’s never there anymore; hasn’t been for three years.

Three years.

It amazes me that it’s been that long since he died.

It should have been me.

“No,” my wolf startles me with her growl, full of authority and censor. “It should not have been you.”

“It shouldn’t have been him either,” I point out. I know, having had this conversation with her more than once, she doesn’t have anything to say in response to that point. “If he hadn’t been worried about me, if I hadn’t insisted on going to protect the pack as well, he wouldn’t have been distracted. His death is my fault. One day I’ll have to tell Aisley about why she’s grown up without a father and I’ll lose her too.”

“It wasn’t our fault. We had to fight. We trained to be out there and defend our pack, just like mate did,” my wolf points out even though I know the death of our mate hurts her just as much as it hurts me. “He knew we were capable,” she grumbles.

I shriek in response, “So it’s his fault?”

“No,” she sighs, “it was the rogue’s fault.”

Silence descends between us just as I walk up the porch steps and into the packhouse. I’m filled with tension and a little bit of fear by the time I make it to Alpha Whitaker’s office. My knock sounds like a mouse is knocking on the door and the only thing I can blame is the worry inside of me.

It’s hard to remember that there was a time when I was a warrior in this pack. My confidence has taken a huge nosedive since then and I’m not sure it will ever recover. How could it? Nothing can bring Andrew back which means I’ll always be missing half of my soul. Can you come back from something like that?

“Come in,” Alpha Whitaker’s deep voice comes from inside the office.

Before I open the door, I wipe my hand on my jeans. Yeah, sweaty palms is not a good look, but there’s not much I can do about it now. I force a smile on my face as I step inside the office.

With the orange roll box held out in front of me like a shield, I try to keep my voice even, “You wanted to see me, Alpha Whitaker?”

The smile he gives me is genuine while his eyes assess me the same way countless pack members have over the last three years. I get it, but it sometimes makes me feel like a science experiment. Are they wondering if today is the day I have a complete breakdown? Are they trying to figure out how close I am to perishing myself?

They shouldn’t worry. I break down every day, but I make sure to do it at night and when I’m all alone. No one gets to witness my tears and the externalizing of my constant pain other than the Moon Goddess. And I don’t plan on leaving this world for at least another ten years. After that? Who knows, but I’ll make sure Aisley is grown and, hopefully, happy before I give in to the call of the moon and my mate.

“Please,” his voice is gentle and soothing, “have a seat.”

Just as I sit down, Luna Tilly comes bustling into the room without knocking, not that I would expect her to. She stops suddenly as her eyes widen and she looks between her mate, the pastry box, and me. “I’m so sorry,” she gushes. “I just smelled the orange roll and didn’t even think about knocking,” her tone is sheepish as she looks at her mate.

It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t.

“Liar,” my wolf huffs as she lays down in my mind, content to watch the show.

Alpha Whitaker flashes a big smile at Luna Tilly before nodding toward the box. “I asked Nyx to come and meet with me and, if they had one since she was at the bakery, to bring an orange roll for you.”

Luna Tilly’s eyes sparkle, but she’s not looking at the box anymore, she’s looking right at me. I’m tempted to look over my shoulder to make sure I’m not mistaken, but then she steps right up to me and drops down to her haunches and puts us at eye level.

“Hi, Nyx,” there’s a softness in her voice that puts me at ease and almost makes me want to snuggle up with her. “I’ve heard a lot about you from Maggie and had the pleasure of meeting your adorable pup. Aisley has such a bright light inside of her. It’s my pleasure to meet you, officially,” she holds her hand out with her words and mine slides in without even thinking twice about it.

Huh. Must be some sort of Luna magic. My palms aren’t even sweating anymore.

“This is for you,” I whisper, not sure if I want her to stay close or if I’m hoping the sweet goodness of the roll she favors will give me some room to breathe.

The smile Luna Tilly gives me is almost blinding. “Thank you. I am going to devour this without even a hint of manners,” there’s a conspiratorial quality to her words that has me chuckling softly and her winking.

“Even though you’ve already gotten your treat, would you mind sitting in on our meeting, Tilly,” Alpha Whitaker requests.”

Tilly nods and sits in the chair next to me after putting the box on the desk in front of us. I’m a little surprised; I would have thought she’d sit on the Alpha’s lap. Apparently, he did as well if the pout on his face is anything to go by. Biting my lip is the only thing that stops me from laughing at how fucking adorable they are.

I’ve heard the rumors around the pack about their mating. But from where I’m sitting, they’re solid. Anyway, just because you find the other half of your soul and the connection you share with your fated is gifted by the Goddess, doesn’t mean that life together is without struggle. I think it makes for a stronger mate bond.

The beginning with Andrew was easy. We hadn’t been friends before we found out we were fated, but we knew of each other. We both waited for our mates. We were excited about being paired together. Yeah, the beginning was easy.

But there were misunderstandings, disagreements, and fights. That’s life.

We always came back to each other and worked on it. Not just for the bond, but because we fell in love with each other.

“Nyx,” Luna Tilly’s voice is gentle and when I look at her and then Alpha Whitaker, I blush because from the look of concern on their faces, I have to wonder if they’ve called my name more than once.

“Sorry,” I murmur, “I got lost in my own head.”

Understanding steals across the Luna’s face before she takes a deep breath and reaches for my hand. I steel myself, a feeling bubbling up in my gut. I’m not sure if it’s good or bad, but I am positive it’s going to change my life.

Not only am I right, but for the first time in three years it feels like I have a chance to find a way forward that doesn’t have me drowning in mind numbing pain constantly. With one conversation, I have something I thought I’d lost forever—hope.