Bonded Beyond Regret (Mated to the Monster: Season 2)

CHAPTER 8

NYX

Aisley gives me a soft smile as I tuck her into bed. Her voice is soft, and I hate the little bit of hesitancy in her tone, “Samuel is really nice, Mommy.”

“Yes, he is.”

It’s not like I can disagree with her. Since he just took us to dinner and then brought us back to our home. Aisley was nodding off and I made some off handed comment about needing to get her to bed before I got her out of the car and then I hightailed it inside like my ass was on fire.

I didn’t wait around for him to say anything. Not a good night. Not a see you tomorrow when you become an official part of the pack. Nothing.

It was not my finest moment.

“No,” my wolf teases, “but it was kind of funny. I don’t think I’ve ever felt you move so fast.”

“He makes me feel safe,” Aisley’s words don’t let me respond to my wolf, not that I know what I would say. I blink a few times, shocked by my daughter. I can’t say I blame her, but I wasn’t expecting it at all. “Kinda like how Daddy made me feel,” she whispers so softly that I almost don’t hear her.

My heart breaks for Aisley. I know she probably doesn’t have many memories of Andrew and over time those will fade. I hate that for her, but it’s one of the reasons I’ve made sure to keep pictures of him around. I haven’t put them up in our new home, but she has a few in her room. She deserves to know the kind of male she had as a father and part of my job is to ensure his memory lives on.

A lump forms in my throat and I have to swallow a few times before I can say anything. I have no idea if I’ve handled Andrew’s death the right way when it comes to our daughter. I’ve tried my best to be honest and upfront, but in an age-appropriate way. I doubt I’ll ever know if I’ve done a good job or not, but I hope I have.

“You don’t have to whisper about Daddy, honey. We can talk about him anytime you want.”

Even though her eyes are heavy with sleep, her eyebrows pull together. It’s the same face she makes when she’s thinking hard about something. “You always get really sad when we talk about Daddy. I don’t want to hurt you, Mommy.”

Oh, my heart. I wrap my daughter in my arms and hold her close and bury my face in her hair. The scent of my pup fills my lungs, and I know that I haven’t been doing as good of a job as I could have been. I haven’t shielded her enough.

My grief is an excuse, a true one just as much as it is convenient, but my grief can’t come at her expense. It never could.

But maybe it has. It kills me to know that she’s been walking on eggshells around me. It shouldn’t be that way.

“I’m sorry, Aisley,” my words are muffled by her hair. “It does make me sad but only because I miss Daddy so much. He was my fated mate. The Moon Goddess paired us together because we each held the other half of the other’s soul. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to start to heal.”

“You’ve done your best, Mommy,” she reassures me even though it’s not her job to do that for me. Still, it does make me feel better.

I have to fight tears with how much grace my eight-year-old is granting me. She shouldn’t have to, but I’m not going to fight against the compassion she’s showing me.

I squeeze her a little tighter and vow, “I’ll try and do better.”

When she giggles, I find myself smiling even though the conversation is heavy and a little uncomfortable. “You already are doing better. Being here is good for you and tomorrow we become members of the pack officially.”

As I help her lay back down, I brush some of her hair, which is black like mine, away from her face. There are times when I look at her and only see me, but right now I can see the hints of Andrew in her features.

My voice is bright and, for the first time in a long time, it’s not forced, “Are you excited?”

“Yes,” she squeals. “I have so many new friends from school who are in the pack. I already feel like I’m a member.” She tilts her head slightly as she looks at me. “Are you excited?”

I scrunch my nose up and twist my mouth slightly before I ask, “Do you want the truth or an answer that is only sunshine?”

She sighs and shoots me a look that is so much older than her age, “The truth. Always the truth.”

I laugh at how serious she is and nod in understanding. “I am excited because I do think this is the right place for us now, but I’m also a little sad. Silver Howler is my birth pack. It was Daddy’s birth pack and yours. I’m a little sad to be saying goodbye to that. It’s okay to feel more than one thing at the same time about something. I can be excited and looking forward to something and be a little sad about it at the same time and that’s okay.”

Aisley gets that thoughtful look on her face again before nodding like she understands. Maybe she does.

The ways in which my daughter is growing up surprises me every day. When she was a newborn, the changes seemed to happen daily and were sometimes so drastic that they took my breath away. One day she was bobbing her head and then the next she was holding it up without a problem. One day she was crawling and then the next she was pulling up on things and then walking.

The changes now are more gradual and are tied to her interacting with the world around her, the people who are in her life, and the things she’s learning. There are times when it’s not as easy to see the changes.

But this one? Of her accepting that conflict and contradictions are normal, and part of life hits me right in the chest with its speed.

“Have I told you how proud of you I am and how much of an honor it is being your mom?”

Aisley snuggles down into her bed and gives me a sleepy smile. “That’s because you’re my Mommy and you love me.” She takes an exceptionally long blink. “You make me happy,” she murmurs, “and I want you to be happy. Samuel will make you happy if you let him.”

I freeze with her words, unsure of what to even say in response. But it doesn’t matter because she’s already asleep. It’s probably for the best.

After kissing her forehead, I head out of her room, turning on her noise machine as I go. She’s loved the sound of lullabies playing since she was a baby. When I go to bed, I’ll check on her one more time and then turn it off.

Even though she’s already asleep, it would be strange not to turn it on. She wouldn’t know the difference, but I’d know.

When I step into the living room, my steps stutter and then stop. The last thing I was expecting to see was Samuel sitting on my couch. But here is in.

In all his glory.

I feel my cheeks heat as I wonder if he was able to hear any of the conversation I was just having with my daughter. I hope not, but at the same time I find it doesn’t bother me as much as it probably should.

Even entertaining thinking about the notion of anything happening between us should have me panicking and running for the hills. But that’s not the case.

It’s strange and I’m not sure what to make of it.

My steps are cautious as I move closer to him. His blue eyes are intent and focused on me. He’s leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting in one of his hands. It doesn’t make any sense, but I desperately want to know what he’s thinking about.

“What are you doing here?”

I wince because the question comes out much harsher than I intended it to. I’m not mad that he’s here, but I figured he wouldn’t have even gotten out of the car after bringing us back home. I would never have imagined that he would not only follow me inside but then wait on me to put Aisley to bed.

He clears his throat as his gaze leisurely peruses down and then back up my body. I swear I watch his eyes heat, but that can’t be right. Or is it?

“I couldn’t leave you without saying good night,” he admits. From the look on his face, I think he surprised himself. He sighs, “Honestly, I didn’t want to leave.”

As I sink down onto the couch next to him, I feel both centered and completely off kilter. Contradictions are a wild ride. “I’m sorry that I ran off so quickly. I don’t know what to make of being around you,” I give him a little bit of my truth since he’s being open with me.

“I don’t know either,” he glances away from me before looking at me again.

The hunger in his gaze has my breathing deepening. The more I try not to look at his lips, the harder it is to look away. I should not be thinking about kissing him, not when he’s about to be my Alpha. Then there’s the question as to whether it would be wrong in the name of Andrew’s memory.

“It wouldn’t be wrong,” my wolf asserts firmly. “Our fated would want us to be happy. This male understands our pain. We could heal together.”

“I think I liked it better when you didn’t talk to me as much.” I hope she knows I’m teasing. Mostly.

It really is good to hear from her more, her lack of communication was worrying, but I had so many other things to worry about that it wasn’t something I could put energy into. Having her talk to me more is a relief.

She makes a chuffing sound before relaxing in my mind while still using my eyes to take in Samuel.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing here, Nyx,” Samuel’s voice is deep and borders on hypnotic. I could get lost in the man’s eyes as well. They’re beautiful and expressive in a way I’ve never seen before. “I know it isn’t convenient for either of us, not really, but I want you.” He looks down as his fists clench on his lap. “Since Kathy’s death, I haven’t looked twice at a she-wolf or considered something more with them,” it sounds like he pushes the words, his confession, out of him by force.

I gasp softly and my eyes widen as I process what he’s saying.

“I don’t understand it either,” I murmur. “I haven’t looked at a male beyond them being pack or family in three years. I figured I never would, but then I came here and I’m constantly fighting guilt because there’s something about you I can’t ignore.” I take a deep breath and admit, “I’m not even sure that I want to.”

We stare into each other’s eyes for a long time. It feels like time passes so damn slowly and too fast at the same time. I’m not sure who is going to break first and what that is going to look like.

Samuel’s tone is curious, “Have you thought any more about what you want to do in the pack? I know it’s important to you.”

Even as Samuel’s eyes remain locked on me, and still filled with the same intensity, I welcome him changing the subject to alleviate some of the pressure. I’m not sure that I’m ready for anything physical between us even though my body is on board.

My hard nipples and damp panties are proof that my body is totally on board with something happening between us. But my mind and my heart just aren’t there. Not yet at least.

“I’m not sure,” I admit and bite my bottom lip. “I always loved working with Mom in her bakery. People come in and are happy to get a treat or need your help celebrating something in their life. It always helped me feel good about the day and I love to bake.”

I swear I see pride in Samuel’s eyes when he flashes me a big grin. “You know,” his tone is conspiratorial as he leans toward me slightly but not too much that I feel crowded, “the bakery in town used to be owned and operated by a pack member before it closed.”

My eyes widen and excitement fills me. It’s not an emotion I’m used to feeling, not anymore at least. I welcome it with open arms. I can’t help but ask, “Why did it close?”

Sadness washes over Samuel’s face before he sighs. “It was owned by a couple that was part of Thomas’ generation. The male was a warrior, and the female was the baker. After everything went down and I started to make changes, they decided to leave the pack because they didn’t want Waning Moon to be a sanctuary for those in need of one.”

“That’s kind of sad,” I muse.

“It is,” he agrees and runs his fingers through his hair. Damn it, I wish I was the one touching his hair. He pulls me from my thoughts when he shrugs and offers, “If it’s any consolation, I don’t think the female agreed with her mate, but he was very vocal and adamant about the whole thing. He was not happy when Thomas was killed either. It’s better not to have that kind of energy with what we’re building.”

I nod thoughtfully and begrudgingly agree, “You’re right. I hope they found a place where they could find some peace. And hopefully a new bakery for the female.”

Samuel’s smile is big and filled with generous affection. “You have a good heart, Nyx,” he whispers.

I’m stunned for a moment. My wolf is practically drooling as she rolls on her back and offers up her belly for a rub. The little hussy is not helping my confusion at all. I would have never thought she would be open to having another male in our lives.

“If you’re interested in opening the bakery back up, we can make that happen.” I gnaw on my bottom lip, uncertainty making me hesitate. I don’t flinch when Samuel covers my hands, which I was worrying together, with his own. His touch is warm and sure. I swear he gives me a little bit of his strength through the connection. “Think about it. I was serious when I told you there’s no rush.”

“I want to contribute to the pack,” I insist and realize that I sound a little bit like a broken record.

“You already are, little warrior,” he soothes my ruffled fur.

Before he gets up to leave, he squeezes my hands, and I find that I don’t want him to leave even though I know he should. I’m not sure how to react with the feelings he’s bringing out in me and how to reconcile it with my past.

Is what I’m feeling wrong? Or can I accept that the Goddess just might be giving another chance at a future, one that’s not the same as I thought I was going to have, but worth fighting for all the same.