Bonded Beyond Regret (Mated to the Monster: Season 2)

CHAPTER 10

NYX

I could feel eyes on me when I left the house and took Aisley to school. It wasn’t difficult to figure out who those eyes belong to. If I was interested in being honest with myself, I knew Samuel spent the entire night outside of my home.

It wouldn’t have been difficult to invite him in. I could have acknowledged him when I was taking my daughter to school.

I didn’t do either of those things.

And I know it’s because I’m a coward.

“Yes,” my wolf agrees, “you are being silly and avoiding the man who clearly wants us.”

I huff out a breath and roll my eyes as I peer out of the blinds. If anyone watching didn’t know I was a shifter already, they would really be questioning me right now. I’m a predator, but I don’t look like one right now.

I look like a mouse. A scared little mouse.

Maybe if Samuel hadn’t kissed me last night it would be different. Except he did kiss me. And I loved every second of it.

When I first walked into the clearing where Samuel found me, I was in awe. It was an area of the pack I hadn’t been to before. I don’t even know how I found it, but it was like my wolf, and I were being pulled there.

I’m glad I was, and I went with my instincts because it was so beautiful there. The way the forest looked purple made it feel like I was walking through the Northern Lights while in the forest. Even though it looked like it was conjured by magic, I knew it was real.

My wolf was awed just as much as I was.

Then we forgot our wonderment when Samuel stalked through the trees and right to me. Even though it’s difficult for me to admit, it was the first time in three years that I felt sexy. It was all because of the way he was looking at me like he wanted to eat me.

Instead of making a move on me, he got me to play and run with him. It was exactly what I needed even though I didn’t know it at the time.

The tension and worry I was carrying around with me melted away the more time we spent as our wolves. Running with him in my fur and playing with him was so much fun. As we were frolicking, I couldn’t remember having as much fun as I was having for a really long time. It was like being a pup again but better because I could run faster.

Samuel was there at my side, and it was easy to forget about his rank because he was letting go and having fun. I swear I could feel the joy radiating from him and his wolf.

Then the mood shifted and became something more. So much more. The tension I was feeling had nothing to do with worry or the past. It was all because of the chemistry zinging between us.

I was shocked when he shifted and wasn’t at all prepared when my wolf pulled back, and I found myself in my skin as well. Feeling the warmth of him against me, along with the mixture of his smooth skin and course hair on his chest, made me want to forget everything except for him.

While I was struggling, unsure if I was too turned on to stop myself from throwing myself at him or if I was going to run away, he took control of the situation.

It felt like fireworks exploding throughout my body when his lips met mine. And damn those lips. They were surprisingly soft as he enticed me to kiss him back. It didn’t take much.

Kissing him was an experience and my entire body was involved. I was lost to it as my brain short circuited.

But then my mind started to catch up with what was happening, and panic began seeping in. I was kissing someone. No, not someone, my new Alpha.

I was kissing Samuel. Not my mate. Not Andrew.

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that the emotional ache that was ever present became a very physical feeling.

When Samuel pulled back, I wanted to hit him. I knew I shouldn’t, but I wanted to so damn badly. I wanted to scream at him and force him to tell me what the fuck he had been thinking.

Before I could decide on what to do or how to react, he shifted back. I shrieked something at him, I’m not even sure what because I was practically beside myself. The feeling of his wolf nuzzling me, trying to give me comfort felt like a lifeline.

But then he was gone, and my mind took over.

Guilt. I drowned in it last night and my head still isn’t above water now.

How could I betray my mate by kissing another male.

“You didn’t betray Andrew,” my wolf insists gently, but firmly. “He’s not here.”

I snarl, “I loved him.”

“I loved him too,” she fires right back at me. “But if you’re not careful then we will never have more than memories and Aisley. What happens when Aisley grows up, finds her own mate, and leaves our house? Who will keep you going then? Who will we have next to us to experience this life with then?”

I don’t have an answer for her. How could I?

Before we can keep going around in circles, a knock at my door pulls my attention. I know who it is immediately.

“Don’t you dare ignore it,” my wolf warns me.

“Sometimes having you in my head really sucks,” I sigh.

Even if I did ignore him now, it’s not like I would be able to ignore him forever. He is the Alpha.

And I would miss him.

I shuffle my way toward the door to stall even though I know it’s pointless. Do I really want it to be?

“You don’t,” my wolf growls gently.

I huff out a breath as I force my expression to look neutral and swing the door open. Samuel’s eyes find mine right away. When he looks away, it’s to look me over as if he’s checking to make sure I’m okay. The action is small, but it impacts me right in the center of my chest.

“Nyx,” he breathes out, relief evident in his voice.

“Good morning, Samuel,” my tone is brisk even though I’m feeling anything but. “Decided that stalking me wasn’t cutting it anymore?”

Samuel’s eyes widen as he stands there and stares at me. The longer it goes on, the harder it is not to smile. When the corners of my mouth tips up, Samuel heaves out an audible breath.

He takes a step closer to me before moving his hand slowly until he’s cupping one of my cheeks. Fuck, being this close to him is like standing too close to the sun. It’s so fucking hot and I’m not sure that I’m safe.

But I don’t want to step away. I want to soak up his warmth while I still can.

He smirks, and his voice is light even though slightly strained, “You got jokes, little warrior?”

“Apparently,” I sass him.

Samuel throws his head back and laughs. Witnessing it makes my knees weak.

It’s a different side of him. I’ve seen him concerned, stern, serious, and pained. But laughing?

If I could witness this everyday for the rest of my life, I’d be okay with that.

“If you want that then you can’t let the loss of our mate hold you back. Not anymore,” my wolf coos.

Fucking hell.

“Can we talk?” The vulnerability in Samuel’s voice has me nodding immediately.

It’s a strange contradiction to witness when the Alpha, the one who carries the pack on his shoulders and protects everyone, shows there is more to him and that he can be emotionally exposed. Even though I’m afraid of doing the same with him, part of me craves it.

It’s been so long since someone knew me, really knew me. Sure, I have my parents, but that’s not the same thing. There’s another layer of intimacy with your mate which is impossible to experience with anyone else.

Maybe letting Samuel in and giving this a try will be the right thing for me. Maybe it’ll allow me to find the light again after so many years feeling empty and lost.

Samuel leads me over to the porch swing which is more like a daybed swing. It’s one of my favorite features of this house. There have been many peaceful moments out here on the swing.

Even when we’re sitting, Samuel keeps touching me. It’s like he can’t not touch me which is messing with me a little bit. Or, maybe, what is throwing me off is how much I’m enjoying it and how much I don’t want him to stop.

“I know I’m not good enough for you, Nyx. I’m sure as hell not good enough to be in Aisley’s life in any capacity.” I open my mouth to tell him how much bullshit he’s spewing, but he shakes his head firmly and I clamp my lips together. “Killing my mate left a stain on my soul. I’ll never be able to wash it away and I never want it to touch you or Aisley.”

“Samuel,” I sigh, hating how hard he is on himself.

“No,” he growls, “it’s true, but I can’t stay away from you. I can’t stop craving having you in my life. I can’t stand thinking about putting distance between us or with Aisley. You are both full of so much light and I’m just selfish enough to not being able or willing to let you go. My wolf agrees and already calls you two his females. I haven’t been brave enough to do it, but I do think he’s right.” He cups my jaw and slides his thumb back and forth right underneath my lower lip. “Even though it scares the hell out of me, you are mine. You’re my female and she is my pup.”

My eyes well up with tears and my heart feels like it grows so much that it’s about to burst from my chest. The loss and pain caused that lovesick organ to shrivel up until it could only hold my love for Aisley.

For the first time in three years that I think I could find a way back to being whole.

“I know it’s probably too much. I know Aisley isn’t my pup, not biologically and I never want her father to be forgotten or ignored,” his words come out in a rush.

I’m not sure if he’s planning on saying anything else, but I don’t get the chance to hear it because I cover his mouth with my hand. His wide-eyed panic is adorable. Not that I’ll ever tell him that.

“I’m not upset,” I tell him honestly. He gives me a pointed look toward my eyes which becomes even more insistent when one tear escapes as I shake my head slowly. My words are even and measured, “I know you would never erase him. The thought never even crossed my mind. I know, no matter what, you’ll honor him.”

He nods so quickly that I’m almost a little worried about him. My eyes roam over him, taking in the stress that lines his forehead and the way his eyes light up from the inside out. I’ve seen him be so stoic with people, but he’s not that way with me or Aisley.

“You’re wrong about something, Samuel,” my tone is decisive. He shakes his head slowly and I find myself smiling. “You’re wrong that you aren’t good enough to be in my life or Aisley’s life.”

Even though his face goes mutinous, I slowly pull my hand away. I’m a little surprised he doesn’t try and convince me why he’s not worthy of me, but he doesn’t. He just watches and waits.

“I only need to look around at this pack to know that you are good enough for me or anyone else. You could have run away; it would have been easier. You could have become just like the previous Alpha family; it would have been less painful.” I reach up with both hands and take his jaw in them. “You are not defined by your past, by your mate or the treatment of your sister. You are defined by your present and the future you’re building above the ashes of that past. Look at what you are accomplishing here. Look at the hope you are bringing to those who desperately need it. That is what defines you, Samuel. You are a male I would be proud to stand beside.”

I swear I see his eyes glaze over with unshed tears, but before I can get a good look, his lips are on mine again. Just like last time, I give myself over to the kiss. But unlike last night, I don’t second guess it and I don’t allow my past to encroach on this moment.

It wouldn’t be fair of me if I did.

I’ll always love Andrew. I’ll always miss him.

But he’s gone and I’m still here.

I desperately want to be happy.

I move until I’m straddling Samuel’s lap, and I do something I’ve been thinking about since I met him—I tunnel my fingers into his hair and scrape my nails along his scalp. When he moans into my mouth, I can’t help the way my lips curve into a smile against his.

Kissing him feels like changing the rotation of the Earth. Or maybe something is just changing inside of me.

His hands roam over my body. He runs a palm down the length of my spine. He twirls strands of my hair around his finger and tugs. He slides a hand over my breast and gives a squeeze before sliding that hand up and around the back of my neck. Every touch is possessive while also being gentle.

Mine explore him as well. I squeeze his shoulders. I feel the stubble on his jaw against the pads of my fingers. I give a tug on his hair.

He feels different than Andrew did, but I’m starting to realize that’s not a bad thing.

Far too soon he’s easing me off his lap and pulling away just enough for us to stare into each other’s eyes. We share panting breaths in the quiet of the morning, neither of us wanting to move while knowing we should.

“We’ll take this slow, little warrior,” he vows. “I never want to push you to do something you’ll regret. It would kill me.”

With a kiss on my forehead and the promise of seeing me later, he strolls away from my place. I watch him as he goes and find myself smiling because there’s a lightness in him that wasn’t there before.

“It’s because of us,” my wolf sounds all too smug.

I suppose, in this case, she has every right to be.