Breaking through the Bond (Espen Jetties #2)

19. King

19

KING

What did he just say?

It couldn’t be right, because that would mean the man I crushed on finally wanted me back. The man who up until this very moment I thought was straight. The one where my feelings for him were kept under lock and key, welded shut, never to see the light of day again.

And yet…

Me.

Hayes had feelings for me .

“What?” I yelled this time because I had zero grip on my emotions.

His eyes widened as he stared at me. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. It just did.”

“But you’re straight!”

He shrugged. “Guess not.”

“The fuck, Hayes?” I shouldn’t have been yelling at him, but my mouth wouldn’t get on the same page. Then there was my heart, which was beating like a jackrabbit kicking its foot.

Hayes stood and paced away before coming back, leaving me alone at the table. Back and forth. Hand raked through his hair. He muttered but not loud enough where I could make out what he was saying.

“Since when?” I finally asked, grateful my tone was much softer.

He stopped and looked at me. “Since Jamie.”

“Jesus Christ! I finally fall for someone and now you’re telling me you have feelings for me?”

“You… you fell for him?”

I scratched the back of my neck. “Yeah, I mean, I haven’t told him yet or anything.” And damn did I fall hard for him. I loved Jamie. There was no question about it.

“I knew you cared about him, but I didn’t know you loved him.” He came back over and sat down facing me. “Forget I said anything. I refuse to come between the two of you. You’re so happy together and he’s such a great guy.” He was, but so was Hayes. He would always put my feelings first, even if it meant hurting himself.

“You don’t get to say that. Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted you?”

Now it was his turn to be stunned. “What?”

Taking a chance, I reached up and cupped his cheek, not missing the way he slightly leaned into my palm. “I have loved you for so long, Hayes. But I knew you were straight and didn’t feel that way about me, so I locked that shit down and moved on. I couldn’t have you, but I could have someone else.” And I did. With the odds of finding someone else against me, I found Jamie.

“But… but… you didn’t tell me.”

I dropped my hand. “Why would I? Can you imagine what that would do to our friendship? I knew you needed me and I needed you just as badly. We work so well as best friends. Why ruin it with my unrequited feelings?”

“I shouldn’t have told you. I’m the one who’s going to ruin us.”

“Never.”

What the hell was I going to do now? I loved Jamie. I couldn’t let him go, didn’t want to. But that damned box I had my feelings for Hayes tucked away in just burst wide open, giving the finger to every security measure I put in place to keep it shut. I loved two men. Son of a bitch!

Jamie was kind, generous, could read me and knew what I needed. Let me take over in bed, while leading at other times. He knew how to work me over, wring orgasms from me in a way no one else ever had. And my heart, goddamn, he was buried deep there. It wasn’t just about the sex with him, though that was amazing. Every time I looked at him, my breath got knocked from my lungs. He was gorgeous. I was slowly getting to know Jamie, the real one not many saw. Understood the way he ticked. And he was letting me in. I didn’t take for granted the gift he’d given me. No way could I let him go. Not when I’d just found him.

Then there was Hayes. My beautiful best friend who had been through so much, yet still came out on top when he put his mind to something. The man who let me see all his scars, inside and out. Who poured his soul out to me on multiple occasions, knowing I’d never betray his trust. He was so special. A gift in my life. I’d loved him from afar, never breathing a word about my feelings for him to anyone until today. Until now.

How did this work? Now that the door was blown off the box, I didn’t think I could get it closed again. The bitch was in pieces. Great security I had. Did I really want to try to put it back in though? Hell if I knew.

My mind was a mess. My love for Jamie and Hayes warring with one another in my heart. I wanted both men but had no idea how to go about that. Sure, I knew others had relationships with multiple partners and it worked well for them. But Jamie only just entered the spotlight with me and up until this, Hayes was straight.

What did one straight, newly bi guy, plus one gay but very private guy, plus one bi very out there and didn’t give a fuck who saw him guy equal? A big disaster, that was what.

Jesus. There weren’t enough swear words out there to encompass this shit.

Fate was screwing with me. I didn’t understand why, but it was up to me to figure it out. If that didn’t scream I was screwed, I didn’t know what did. The three of us. Could that even work?

Hayes was watching me, probably anticipating my inevitable nervous breakdown. And it was right there on the fringe, waiting for the final piece to click into place that sent me over the edge.

I could see the headlines now.

Kingston Walker and Jamie Deary are dating. What we know.

Kingston Walker seen holding hands with teammate Hayes Garner. Is King cheating on Jamie?

Then the tabloids and trash papers entered…

Jamie Deary seen drinking and dancing with someone new at Twist and Turn. Has he moved on?

Hayes Garner out on a date with an unidentified woman. Is King alone?

Another thought slammed into me. Was this just a phase for Hayes? Was he trying to figure things out and I was convenient because he knew I didn’t have a preference and I was, for lack of a better term, here?

“Is this a phase?” I asked Hayes.

He jerked back like I slapped him. “What? No. How could you ask that? Did you think I’d tell you about my feelings if I thought it was just something I was going through? Fuck, King, you’re my best friend. I’d never jeopardize what we have on a curiosity. This has been brewing in me for a while, but I only figured it out the day before the gala. I didn’t understand why I felt what I did. I didn’t know what to do about it. But you have a way of getting me to talk, so here we are.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. You know me better than that.”

“You’re right, I do.” Hayes didn’t do things without thinking them through. He wasn’t someone who flew by the seat of his pants. He was thoughtful to the point of overthinking at times.

“Where do we go from here?” he asked. Various emotions flickered over his face too fast for me to latch on to any one of them.

“I’m with Jamie.” I was and it was where I wanted to be. I didn’t question that, only wondered how I could keep Hayes too. I didn’t have him though, did I?

It was like I was on a merry-go-round with no way off. Or one of those fun houses with mirrors everywhere. Jamie and Hayes were surrounding me, neither better than the other, both offering me everything I wanted but separately.

The hurt that immediately fell over Hayes was like a curtain I wanted to open and remove. Let the light back in. “Yeah, you are.” He stood and took his plate to the sink, rinsed it off, and put it in the dishwasher. He came back for his glass and his mug, doing the same with both. I watched him, unsure what to say or what to do.

“Hayes.”

He turned to me, forcing a smile. “It’s okay, King. I knew you were with Jamie when I told you. I wasn’t sure what I thought was going to happen. You and I have never been anything more than friends. I don’t… I didn’t… Fuck, I’m just going to go out for a bit.”

He went to his room. I could hear him moving around. I was still sitting at the table, unsure of what to do. But when Hayes walked back out in a pair of khaki shorts and a white T-shirt, I was on my feet, striding toward him but with what purpose I didn’t know.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“Anywhere but here. The walls feel like they’re closing in on me. And that’s not on you at all. I said what I did, confessed something I wasn’t sure I’d be able to, and now I need to go. You’re with Jamie and I’m happy for you. I really am.” There was that sad smile again. Dammit if I didn’t want to drag him into the living room, pull him down onto the couch, and watch a movie with him just to make it go away. No, this sadness wasn’t from a reminder of his mom. It was something totally different. I didn’t know how else to get rid of it.

“We could watch a movie.”

He shook his head. “Not this time. That kind of magic doesn’t exist to get rid of what I’m feeling.” He absently rubbed the center of his chest. “I love you, King. I always have. I’m sorry that love shifted into something deeper beyond friendship. I never meant to upset you.”

“You didn’t. If you’d just stay, we can—”

“There’s nothing to be said to fix this. And staying here with you right now, with your arm around my shoulders like we usually sit when you know I’m upset, I wouldn’t be able to stay still.” Tears built in his eyes. “It’s not enough, King. Not when I want to feel your arms around me another way. Not when I know you’re the only one who can make me feel better. You shouldn’t be. I should be able to do that for myself. I’ve leaned on you too long. I’m sorry about that. You deserve to be happy with Jamie.”

Before I could say anything, Hayes was out the door, and I was left standing in the empty space with tears in my eyes and my heart breaking at the thought of him walking away. I wasn’t sure what I expected. I was dating someone else who I loved. And yet there was Hayes who loved me. A man I loved back. This was a mess.

I shut the door Hayes walked out of, closing myself inside the place that had been a home to me and Hayes for years but felt emptier than it ever had before. The silence was stifling as I made my way to the couch and dropped down on it, wishing like hell Hayes would have stayed so we could talk. So I could make him happy again.

But there was no way for me to do that. Nothing short of returning his feelings was going to make Hayes okay. I was the reason for him being upset and that didn’t sit well with me. I never wanted to be that person to him. The one who hurt him and yet I did, not intentionally, but the result was still the same. Hayes wouldn’t see it that way. He would blame himself.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there, staring at a blank TV, listening to the central air click on, rush through the vents, and click off again. The traffic and noise of the city was hardly heard thanks to the thick windows in the building. Dust motes floated through the air, dancing in the beam of sunlight, which reached toward me in its last stretch on this side of the building as it moved across the sky while the day progressed.

My phone chimed from somewhere in the condo. It took a second chime before I was on my feet, searching it out. It could be Hayes. I wanted him to know I was still here for him. That I didn’t go anywhere. That he could still count on me.

But when I found my phone, it was a text from Devon.

Devon: Hayes is here. He wouldn’t want me telling you. I just thought you should know. He’s safe.

I blew out a breath.

Me: Thank you. I wasn’t sure where he was going.

Devon: I didn’t think so.

Me: Did he talk to you?

Devon: He did but this is for you two to work out. If you need me, I’m here, but there’s only so much I can do. Offer advice, which I’m not sure either of you will take. You and Hayes are the only ones who can fix this.

Me: Yeah. Thank you again. I’m here if you or he needs me. I’m not going anywhere today. I can be there in a flash.

Devon: I know. You’re a good guy, King.

I scoffed, not that Devon could hear me.

Me: Save it for when Hayes is happy again.

Devon didn’t respond, which was just as well.

I dropped the phone down on the couch and sat again. Back in the same position, wondering what I was going to do. Nothing came to me, no matter how much I wracked my brain. I needed help. I should talk to Jamie, although what if when I told him what happened, he decided it was too much drama and didn’t want to deal with it, especially after having the media dig through his past. They said more than I mentioned to Hayes. Things I doubted Jamie wanted people to know. I didn’t want to lose him. I needed to check in with him and see how he was doing. How could I do that without spilling my guts at the same time?