Breathing Without You (The Courtlynd #2)

26. Emerald

26

EMERALD

About thirty minutes later, give or take, we may or may not have fucked again before finally getting dressed. I grab my phone and keys just in case I need them and head outside to the garage so I can finally give Creedence his gift that I’ve been basically waiting to give him since ordering it. I’m extremely nervous because it’s a touchy subject but I’m hoping that he can see where I’m coming from with the gift when he looks at it.

“So, I brought you out to your garage because I have a surprise for you.” I bite my bottom lip nervously; afraid this might be his last straw with mentioning things about his brother but I'm hoping he will love it instead.

“You don't have to get me anything, Sugar. Just you is perf…” And then I cut him off handing him the black motorcycle helmet I bought him. Figuring maybe if I bought him something new to go with his Harley that's not related to something he had when he and his brother got into the accident it'd be different. It’s all black with a gray and white shaded skull with bright blue roses coming out of the eyes with rose vines and leaves surrounding it. It’s covering the whole top of it, if you look at it the right way it looks like the skull is popping out at you. Then going across the back bottom of the helmet it says… “In loving memory of Xander, forever watching over you big brother.” But I smile because he hasn’t seen that part yet, so it’s still a big meaningful surprise.

“Wha...what is this?” He furrows his brows. A somewhat angry look on his face.

“I bought you a new helmet, I bought myself one too to match yours, but my skull is pink with deep purple roses, vines and leaves coming out of the eyes, I designed them myself. I thought maybe that if... if you gave it a shot, I can help you.” But he cuts me off by shoving the helmet onto the desk in the garage.

“You bought me a helmet to go riding when I said I wasn't ready...when I said I was afraid too.” He lets out an angry growl. “Did you ever think that maybe you should've fucking asked me. I don't know if I was fucking ready for something like this...last time we talked about this I fucking told you.” He pauses, taking a deep breath. He's pissed and I feel like an ass, my cheeks turning red and getting hot from embarrassment as hot tears stream down my face.

“Creed. It was stupid I'm so sor…” I don't even get the words out fully.

“No, don't even fucking tell me you're sorry. I feel like you're only thinking about yourself in this situation and trying to… I don’t know…fucking save me...or fucking fix me.” He throws his hands up in the air. “Or be a hero. I don't fucking know what you thought, but you know what.” He lets out another deep angry breath. “Fucking go... I'm fucking done, this was like a slap in the fucking face. Get out, go home. I'm done with this whole relationship. It's over. I’m serious. I never thought you’d be this selfish and only think about yourself in this situation.” He’s breathing heavily as he turns his back to me and rushes inside slamming his garage door.

I don't even try to go in there and argue. I just ran out of his garage, tears streaming down my face. Fuck I'm so stupid and hurt, I can't believe he spoke to me like that. Well, I do. I fully understand why he spoke to me like that. I'm not even hurt about it. I'm hurt over him not caring about me trying to help him trying to get him to do this for his brother, for himself. But instead, I fucked up, I'm surprised his reaction wasn't worse than that honestly. Now I have to find a way to fix all of this. Not only did I make him mad, but I also ruined our relationship and... I think he just broke up with me. I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and I can't stop crying. I feel like my whole world just came crashing down. I stop in my driveway in front of my front porch dry heaving, I feel like I'm going to be sick, but I have nothing to puke up. I walk over and I fall to the grass on my knees, leaning forward and just sit there crying for I don't even know how long but I just cry. I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt and so fucking heartbroken. And I just sit there and sob, the saddest broken sobbing you can imagine. You can hear the pain and heartache coming and probably feel the pain radiating from me. I sit there on my knees, my legs so numb I can’t feel them anymore, for what feels like hours. But it’s only been a half hour. I only know that from checking my phone I have a few missed calls from Winter, probably wanting to talk about the party next Friday that we were all supposed to go to. But I don’t even know if I’m going now. I don’t want to go unless I go with Creedence, I don’t want to be anywhere without him and now that’s not a possibility because there is no longer an Emerald and Creedence. My heart hurts because I thought he was the one. This can’t be it, it can’t be truly over, can it? Over something like this, is he being serious? I feel like I need to go over and talk to him, but I have a feeling he won’t answer the door if I do. But I get up on shaking and tingling legs from the feeling coming back into them and slowly walk over to his house. Feeling like I might puke in the process as I walk up the front porch and ring the doorbell.

He comes to the door, tears streaming down his face. Trying hard to hold back his own tears now. Hurt and anger on his face, wearing them like a mask. He’s no longer my happy, loving Creedence, he’s replaced with the hurt I caused and the anger he’s feeling.

“Leave, Emerald, I told you we’re through. I don’t feel like talking to you right now. Please don’t make this any harder on either of us and just go.” He goes to shut the door, but I put my arm in the way.

“Creedence, please,” I cry out, snot flying out of my nose as I try to breathe but I’m so stuffed up from crying I feel like I’m suffocating in the process. “Please don’t do this to me. I love you so much,” I cry out more, my whole body shaking, wishing this was just a nightmare I could wake up from. “Please,” I sob. “I need you.” I fall to his porch no longer strong enough to hold myself up and I sob while looking up at him.

He looks away, before cutting me off, not even letting me continue to talk. “Emerald, just go, I have nothing left to say to you other than I was wrong about us. Now leave before I have to be even more of a dick.” He shuts the door. Not even bothering to look at me one last time and I’m left there. On my knees, sobbing on his porch. My whole body is shaking, I slowly get up on wobbly legs and I run off the porch into the grass and puke. I have no food to puke up, but whatever is coming up it burns. It burns my already sore, scratched up throat from his piercings. And I want it to stop, because the memories of how good things just were minutes ago are too fresh, I’m not strong enough to handle all this alone. But it just keeps coming up until I’m dry heaving. My stomach muscles hurt from how hard I was puking, but it hasn’t calmed down. I stand there dry heaving for the next few minutes on Creedence’s front lawn. Alone, one of my biggest fears, being left alone.

I just want to go home now to take a warm bath. I can’t believe everything was so perfect all day until about an hour ago when I went and ruined it by doing something so fucking stupid.

When the puking finally stops, I walk home on shaky legs, holding my sore stomach. Barely able to walk. I feel like I’m dragging my body in a standing up position. I grab my house key from my pocket and put it in the keyhole to unlock the door, open it and shut it behind me, locking it again in the process. I set my key in the dark blue dish that sits on the table by my front door and start walking through my house, towards my room. I need to text Winter. Right now, my heart hurts too much and I just want my best friend. But she’s working so I text her.

Emerald

Creedence and I broke up. He broke up with me and I don’t know what to do. My heart is completely broken.

Winter

What the fuck? Please tell me you’re joking.

Winter

Babe, what happened?

Emerald

Long story short, I bought him a new motorcycle helmet, and he didn’t see what I had engraved on it, but he was pissed and thought I was pressuring him and forcing him to do something he wasn’t ready to do and he broke up with me.

Winter

Aw, fuck. I’m gonna see if I can leave early, my shift ends in an hour.

Emerald

No it’s okay, I’m about to take a bath, I’ll see you when you get here. We can drink some wine.

Winter

Okay babe, I’m so sorry, I wanna call him a jerk but I don’t know the full story.

Emerald

Well he is a jerk cause he broke my heart. But fuck Winter, he broke my heart girl.

I walk into my room, shutting my door and take my clothes off as I walk to my closet to grab pajama pants and another hoodie.

Winter

Babe I’m so sorry. I remember Carsten and I went through a rough patch like this. I hope it isn’t permanent like ours wasn’t.

Emerald

Girl, tell me about it. I don’t know what I’m going to do if it is permanent. Fuck dude.

Winter

I wish I knew what else to say besides I love you girl when I get to you we’re gonna get drunk.

Emerald

Yes please. Does Carsten care if you come here?

Winter

Hell no he will understand when I tell him lol.

Emerald

If not it’s okay I’ll be fine.

Winter

It’s fine babe I’ll see you in a little over an hour. Go take your bath.

Emerald

Ok, love you babe.

I sit on the edge of the tub, a towel wrapped around me as I wait for the water to fill up. Adding some vanilla soap to make bubbles while I wipe away the tears that just keep pouring down my face with my other hand. As soon as I think I’m done crying more tears fall without me even realizing it. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. Is this what true heartache feels like? I hate it, I feel sick to my stomach, I feel broken, and it hasn’t even been a few hours. What will all the other days without him feel like? I don’t know how else to explain how I feel, besides repeating my feelings. I’m devastated my whole world just came crashing down in one day and I hate it. I feel so lost and alone right now and the only person I want to turn to and cry to is the one person who doesn’t want me to turn and cry to them and the only person who doesn’t want me anymore. The one person I need the most and he doesn’t need me.

I slowly stand up. Feeling numb all over, not from sitting but from the heartache. I walk out of my bathroom that’s connected to my room and walk down the hall still in my towel. I go into my refrigerator and grab the bottle of wine I started drinking the other night and take the cork back out. I don’t even bother with a glass as I take a big gulp. I have about half a bottle left after that gulp, that’ll be enough to help me start numbing the pain more before Winter gets here. Right as I’m about to shut the refrigerator door I see a bottle of cherry vodka sitting in the door and decide to take a shot of that, and by shot, I mean taking off the cap and chugging some of it from the bottle.

“Ahh fuck.” I shake my head in disgust as it burns going down. I feel the warmth of the alcohol move through my body and it feels good. I think I just chugged way more than I needed to but that’s okay. It’s just one more thing to help quiet my thoughts and numb the pain.

I head down the hall and into my room and into my bathroom over to the cabinet to grab more of my bath stuff adding warm vanilla sugar soap with bath salts making it extra bubbly. I want the smell to be extra strong on my body to erase any scents I may have left of Creedence on me. I can’t handle smelling him on me and not being able to go near him. I take my pink scrunchie. Fucking stupid pink scrunchie that hurts my heart just looking at it and put my hair up into a messy bun at the top of my head. Then grab my bottle of wine and slowly step into the hot water that sends chills through my freezing cold body. Sitting down into the tub I set the bottle on my tub tray and lay back closing my eyes and let the tears that haven’t stopped falling, keep falling. I didn’t even realize I was still crying. That's how many tears have fallen tonight. In the short time frame of an hour, you think I would have cried out everything by now. But no, these stupid tears just keep coming.

I lay there welcoming the sad sound of silence, as I move my hands around under the hot water finally feeling a little bit of weight lifted off me. Hoping it’ll also help this sick to my stomach feeling that hasn’t stopped yet. I’m sure the alcohol will help get rid of it soon. I already feel a buzz from chugging that delicious, yet disgusting cherry vodka from the refrigerator and I hope this wine just keeps adding to it. I want to be drunk and have no more tears to cry for the rest of the night and hopefully I’ll be able to get some sleep. Thank god I’m off tomorrow because I’ll be spending tomorrow drunk too. Plus, there’s no way I’d be able to go to work feeling this way, I’d probably cry all over everyone’s food and that wouldn’t be a good thing. Then there’s the chance of seeing Creedence there because that’s where everyone goes to eat all the time, especially him and his friends. Depending how I feel I may take the next day off after that too and spend the day drunk. It may not be the smartest decision I make but apparently, I’m not good at making smart decisions these days. I was just dumped so I’m allowed to spend a few days feeling bad for myself.

I finish off the rest of the wine and feel even more buzzed than I did before, but I need more alcohol. Winter isn’t off work yet either, so I have some time. I stand up in my tub and step out real quick drying a little bit of the water off and wrap a towel around myself then walk out of my room out to the kitchen, grabbing a tall glass so I can drink some more cherry vodka. I don’t give a fuck about mixing wine with vodka all I care about is getting drunk. I fill the glass to the top leaving a little space, so I don’t spill it and carry it back to the bathroom. I hang up my towel and sit back in the tub, draining a little water and adding more hot water to it. I need it hot enough to almost burn me or else it’s too cold because I’m a freeze baby. I hate that I’m cold all the time. I chug back some more cherry vodka, the warmth moving through my body again, warming me up even more. I giggle to myself because I think I might be on the verge of being drunk.

“I can’t believe this is my fucking life right now. All because you had to go and be an idiot and not use your fucking brain, Emerald.” Now that I say it out loud it pisses me off. I’m now pissed off at myself. Creedence was right. I shouldn’t have been trying to force him to do something he wasn’t ready for. Now because of that I ruined my fucking relationship and lost the love of my life.

I finally get out of the bath when my body looks like a prune and I’m drunk. I stumble drying myself off before Winter gets here. She texted me like five minutes ago that she’d be here soon, so I need to get a move on. I sloppily pull on my lace thong and put on a pair of sweatpants because now that I’m out of the bath I’m freezing and then I don’t even bother with a bra I just throw on my hoodie.

“Knock, knock.” I hear Winter yell from the kitchen and I’m suddenly so thankful to not be alone anymore. It’s dangerous to be alone with your thoughts sometimes.

I wipe at my tears and clear my throat since I’m all stuffy and can barely talk from how much I’ve been drinking. “Coming,” I slur a little, walking out of my room and down the hall towards the kitchen.

“Hey, bitch.” Winter smiles trying to lighten the mood.

“Hey, girl.” I wipe away more tears with my hands as I walk over to her to give her a hug.

“Oh babe, come here.” She reaches her arms out to me and wraps them around me, squeezing me tightly in the process. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s–” I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down because now that she’s here I have more tears to cry all of a sudden. “It’s okay,” I slur and hiccup, having a hard time getting those two words out.

“Did you start drinking without me?” she pouts but giggles at the same time.

“I couldn’t help it; I needed something to numb the pain.” I walk over to the refrigerator and pull out two bottles of wine. I may look like an alcoholic to some but most people who know me know I like to stay stocked up on my wine. So, I keep multiple bottles in there at a time.

“What have you been drinking so far?” She gives me a concerned look as I stumble a little when I turn around.

“Some cherry vodka and about half a bottle of wine. I barely ate today.” I hiccup. “I’m probably drunk, maybe,” I snort. Yep, I’m drunk, and I can still feel my heartache, so I know I haven’t been drinking enough. I want to drink until my lips are numb, along with my feelings. I don’t want to feel anymore, at least not tonight. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll feel a little better.

“Wanna do a shot of cherry vodka?” She smiles reaching for the bottle in my refrigerator. We both love cherry vodka, so I had a feeling she would want to do one once she found out I still had that bottle from last time.

“Hell yeah, I wanna do one.” I grab the bottle from Winter, very clumsily, but I don’t care. I unscrew the lid, throwing it onto the counter, missing and giggling. I’ll get that tomorrow. I take another chug from the bottle and pass it to her.

“I said do a shot, not chug it.” She laughs as she takes the bottle from me.

“Hey, that could’ve been a shot worth, maybe two.” I shrug my shoulders a little and laugh at her.

“Alright, fair enough.” She lifts the bottle to her mouth and chugs some down before placing it back on the counter and shaking her head with disgust, for cherry vodka being our favorite it still grosses us both out when we do plain shots of it. “Fuck that was intense.” She says with one eye closed still trying to get over the taste of it.

“It definitely is intense when you chug it that way, still gross too.” I laugh while taking the bottle and taking another drink, not chugging it this time.

“Yep, still fucking gross, but I think that’s the only vodka I’ll ever truly love that won’t fully gross me out like plain vodka does.”

“Exactly, cherry vodka all the way.” I take another sip, sliding the bottle back to her. “Let’s go sit outside. I need some air.” I don’t even know if she could understand what I just said but she follows me as I head towards the front door.

“Cool, let's take these bottles with us. I’ve got some catching up to do.” She grabs both bottles and the electric wine bottle opener off the counter.

“It’s such a nice night out, but I’m fucking cold.” I shiver a little as I take another sip, feeling my buzz intensify.

“Shit,” Winter whisper-shouts as steps off the front stairs a little.

“You okay? Or did you stumble?” I giggle thinking about her stumbling since we’re both clumsy, plus I didn’t see what had happened since I was in front of her.

“No, Creedence is out in his driveway on his truck bed. Looks like he’s drinking and playing his guitar.” She tells me and it feels like I just took a knife to the chest. My fucking heart breaking at the thought of not being with him anymore. I miss listening to him sing and play his guitar so much and he just played for me yesterday while I laid in his bed, he sat next to me, his back against his headboard and just played. His voice was so sexy as he sang, I was looking forward to that memory that I got to make with him as time went on. Time that I fucking ruined.

“I should be over there with him right now, next to him,” I choke out. “But I’m a fucking idiot and fucked everything up,” I sob, hoping he can’t hear me as Winter rushes back up the stairs.

“Oh babe, you did nothing wrong except care for him and try to do something nice. Please don’t blame yourself for this.” She tells me as she comes up the stairs and sits next to me. I’m thankful for the big bushes that block my front stairs because if they weren’t there, I’d be able to see him perfectly and I don’t think I could handle that right now, especially with how much I’ve had to drink so far.

“I feel like I did everything wrong, we just had such a perfect night, and I had to go and ruin it. I want to be with him so bad right now and I fucked that up.” I’m crying, wiping my tears with my left hand shaking my head. “Fuck, I need to drink more where’s my wine?” I sniffle, turning to Winter, wiping my tears again and taking another sip of my wine.

“Right here, babe. I just opened it for you.” She hands me the bottle and I take a big sip of it before pulling it away from my mouth.

“Fuck this sucks.” I let out a breath that I felt like I was holding in forever, but no matter how many deep breaths I take I still can’t get this ache in my chest to ease up, or my anxiety to calm down at all.

The next morning, I wake up hung over as fuck, my head pounding, the room is spinning and I feel nauseous as hell, my mouth is so dry I feel like I just ate a bunch of sand. I can barely move my tongue as it sticks to the roof of my mouth. Gross. Drinking all that vodka and wine was the worst idea I ever had. But it did what it was supposed to do. It numbed my lips; my whole body was numb including my pain. At least until I woke up. I stretch my body and feel a leg next to mine and my stomach drops. Was all that just a dream? There’s no way I had a dream that Creedence broke up with me. A rush of excitement washes over me as I slowly turn until I hear a snoring Winter next to me and my stomach drops again, my heart sinks and the tears start coming. I slowly sit up. I need something to drink and something for my head now. The room spins as I sit at the edge of my bed, breathing heavily trying to hold back the vomit that’s trying to creep up my throat. I take a slow deep breath before I jump up and rush to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet I start puking, everything that comes up still burning my throat. Another terrible reminder of yesterday with Creed when everything was perfect. It already feels like it’s been days without him, and it hasn’t even been a full day yet. Fuck, this is the worst nightmare, and I pray I wake up from it soon.