Breathing Without You (The Courtlynd #2)

27. Creedence

27

CREEDENCE

I wake up the next day, feeling like shit. I got drunk for the first time in a while last night. My chest fucking hurts, my heart feels fucking heavy, and I feel empty. Is this what fucking heartache from a breakup feels like? I know I was the one who broke up with her but that doesn’t mean I’m not still hurting. I’ve loved women before and when we broke up it didn’t hurt nearly as bad as it does now. She was everything to me, my home, my world and everything came crashing down in one fucking day. Did I make the wrong choice? I have no idea but at the time I was making the right choice. I can’t believe she went behind my back buying me a helmet to try and get me to ride again. I lay there in bed trying to fight the flashbacks of that day with my brother and it’s so hard to do as I wipe the tears. Everything feels so fresh again, between the heartache of losing my brother, best friend. And the heartache of losing my girlfriend, the love of my life. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that has no other outcome, the flashbacks just keep getting more vivid as I lay here no matter how many times I try to shake my head to clear myself out of it.

“Sir, Sir.” I keep hearing people talking but I have no idea what anyone is saying to me as I sit here and hold my baby brother’s dead body in my arms, his blood all over me but I don’t care. All I care about right now is my brother and how it should have been me.

“Sir please, we need you to step away from the body. Sir please. We need to look at him.” Still, all I hear is their talking but I’m not hearing anything they’re saying.

“Xander, please wake up man, please god dammit man please don’t do this to me.” I cry holding him to my chest. “Please tell me this is just another one of your stupid pranks.” I shake him, freaking the fuck out I’m trying to be gentle but fuck what is going on. My baby brother lays lifeless in my arms, he no longer has a fucking pulse. This is my fault; it should’ve been me. I lay him down placing his head in my lap. There’s blood all over my hands from his head. And I look down and feel sick again, I start dry heaving as I’m trying not to puke.

“Fuck man, please don’t leave me, wake up man.” I tell him as I place my hands on his chest and try to do CPR.

“Sir, please I’m sorry, sir but we need to check the body, can you tell us what happened, sir.” But I can't. I don't know what happened. I didn't see the full thing; I just saw the ending and then I saw my brother lying there in a puddle of blood as I tried to rush to him.

“Xander please, I’m sorry for telling you we needed to get home, we can pull over a little longer. I’m sorry for switching lanes before you. I should’ve let my baby brother go first. Please don’t do this to me. Tell me this is a joke. Let’s wait a little longer before we head home, please, you, you have to be fucking with me. Xander don’t do this.” I sit there sobbing and shaking, rocking my body back and forth as I smack his chest over and over. “Please wake up.” I shake him a little. You can hear people around me crying. This is not something you see every day I’m sure but that’s the only thing I hear is whispers and crying. Like I said, I hear the words, but I have no idea what is being said to me.

“Xander, please I promise I won’t make fun of you for being afraid to ride after it rains. I promise I’ll always let you go ahead of me from now on. I won’t be that asshole that goes ahead of you like we aren’t riding together, not that I always did it but you know what I mean. Please c’mon this isn’t funny anymore.” I slap his chest a little harder trying to get his lifeless body to wake up.

And suddenly I have two people grabbing my arms pulling me into a standing position, pulling me away from him while paramedics lay his limp body onto a stretcher. Blood. That’s all I feel all over my hands and wet clothes. Xander’s warm blood, the last thing from my brother that I’ll always remember is his warm blood and I fucking hate that memory, that paralyzing fucking nightmare.

“Sir we need to remove the body from the scene, we’re sorry. You also need to tell us what happened.” One of the two officers that are holding me says to me as they help me walk away. “I’m so sorry about your loss, sir.” He says again but I’m not listening. I'm too busy looking back at my brother’s dead body lying on a stretcher getting covered by a body bag.

I snap out of the memory, wiping away my tears quickly as I sit up in bed gasping for air almost like I just woke up from a nightmare, but jokes on me because my life is now a living nightmare. I fucked my life up in more ways than one, when it should’ve been me who died that day, but I ruined my baby brother’s life instead. Then I ruined Emerald’s life instead of giving her the chance to explain. But I can’t be with her if she’s going to keep pushing me when I’m not ready, because I’ve told her I’m not ready. I don’t even think I’m done grieving, not that I’ll ever be done grieving the life my brother never got to have, but It’s still so fresh. Too damn fresh no matter how long it’s been.

I look at my phone and see that I have a text from Carsten. As I go to open my text messages, I realized I never closed out my last one from Emerald telling me she loved me, and it hits me like a ton of bricks straight to the heart. Fuck dude, I can’t believe I lost one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. But right now, it’s probably for the best. My head is not right, right now and it’s not fair to her, but she also shouldn’t have pushed and pushed and pushed after I told her over and over that I wasn’t ready. It felt like she was forcing me for her, not for me. Maybe I’m wrong.

Carsten

Hey man, Winter told me what happened. How you holdin up?

Creedence

I’ve been better.

Carsten

Wanna talk about it?

Creedence

I’ll talk but not about what happened, still too fresh.

Carsten

Understandable bro just know I’m here.

Creedence

Thanks man, appreciate you.

Carsten

Of course. You going to the shop today?

Creedence

Was thinking about it, but now I don’t know what I want to do.

Carsten

Come to the shop then we’ll get lunch at the Diner. Both girls are off today so we’ll only be lucky enough to deal with Stacy.

Creedence

Sounds good be there in about an hour.

I slowly get up, taking a couple deep breaths before heading to my kitchen for some water and something for my head, along with something to eat to help with this fucking hangover headache and this stupid fucking sick feeling from drinking on an empty stomach like a dumbass.

After eating I head outside to my front porch, avoiding the garage because Emerald left the helmet in there and right now, I’m not in the mood to look at it and bring back more memories. I barely slept last night between flashbacks of my brother's accident and then dealing with this terrible feeling of heartache. God, I feel so fucking empty, and alone and it’s all my fault, yet it’s her fault at the same time for bringing me back to that place when I wasn’t ready. I can’t deal with the demons of my past when I’m being forced to. I need to be ready in order to accept help.

I sit down on my front porch after looking over at Emeralds yard to make sure she wasn’t out yet because I’m not ready to see her just yet. Or any time soon.

I take a sip of the coffee I made, and I stare out at the street not even bothering to look at my phone. I have no one to talk to now and I just talked to Carsten. I don’t feel like talking to anyone anyways, I just want to be alone today. I’m sure hanging out with Carsten after work will be better for me mentally than sitting home. My feelings are all over the place right now I don’t even know what I want. I take a seat on the top step when my phone vibrates in my hand.

Axton

I heard what happened man, I’m so sorry. Let me return the favor and get you out of the house tonight bro.

Creedence

It’s ok man, appreciate it.

Creedence

But ehh I’m not sure if I’m down for that or not.

Axton

Oh that's cool. Glad I didn’t ask.

Axton

We’re going out tonight, just to Black Velvet. Carsten is working.

Creedence

Somethin tells me ur not givin me a choice huh?

Axton

Nahh we can go up whenever.

Creedence

Well I gotta meet Carsten at the shop here soon. Then we are going to the diner for lunch. Wanna join?

Axton

Ya that's cool just text me when.

Creedence

Wait if ur not here where r u?

Axton

Friends house he had a party last night.

Creedence

Ahh ok that's cool.

Axton

Well hit me up when you go to Lisa’s diner.

Creedence

Will do man.

I finish drinking the rest of my coffee and head inside to brush my teeth and take a quick shower. After my shower and getting dressed I grab everything I need for the day, putting it all in my pockets and head out the front door to my truck.

As I’m walking to my truck, I end up seeing Emerald walking to her car in the process and I look down. “Fuck.” I whisper to myself. I was not ready for that; she looks so fucking beautiful. Her green and black hair braided off to the side with my pink scrunchie. She’s wearing a pair of black leggings that makes her ass look amazing. With a tight purple T-shirt that hugs her tits and curves just right. Fuck, am I an idiot? But knowing her it’s probably too late to even try and fix things. And I just don’t know if I’m ready for that just yet.

I open my truck door trying hard not to look at what seems to be a crying Emerald, and step up inside, shutting the door behind me. I take a quick glance at her through my tinted window. She’s on the phone, as she wipes her tears away with her other hand. Fuck it breaks my heart to see her like this, I just want to go over there and hug her. I snap out of my thoughts and start my truck, backing out of my driveway. Reminding myself I ended things with her for a good reason.

Ten minutes later I’m pulling into the parking lot of Crazy’s Tattoos right as Carsten is getting out of his car.

“Fuck, I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet,” I mumble to myself, not that facing my friends is a bad thing, but I just don’t know if I’m ready to explain all this shit to them yet. I turn off the engine and slowly step out of my truck suddenly feeling very anxious.

“Hey, man.” Carsten comes over giving me a big man handshake, hug with a pat on the back.

“Hey, brother.” I do the same thing back to him before backing away. I was fine until I got here. Now I have this strange empty, sick feeling in my stomach.

“How you holdin up?” He has a sad smile on his face. He’s always been a good caring friend; we’ve been there for each other through everything.

“I’ve been better, I saw her in the driveway when I was leaving. She was crying and talking on the phone, she was shaking and everything. Fucking broke my heart seeing her like that.” I look down, closing my eyes, trying to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I can’t let him see me cry like a little bitch.

“Why didn’t you go and talk to her? I don’t exactly know what happened but I’m sure she’d be willing to hear you out.”

“Ehh, I’m not ready to talk about it and I’m not ready to face her yet. Still too fresh.”

“I get it, trust me I went through it with Winter before.” He pats me on the back as we start heading into Crazy’s.

It’s just the two of us working today and we’re not open for long, his uncle lets us work whenever we want on the weekend and we both have appointments at the same time, two friends coming in to get matching flower tattoos on their hip.

“Hey, welcome to Crazy’s, how can we help you today?” I ask standing at the counter as a female walks in smiling at me like she’s never seen a man before.

“Well, hello there, how are you?” She attempts to wink but her eye just looks like it’s twitching.

“I’m doing good, how about you?” I’m trying to be friendly, but not in the mood for it.

“I’m a lot better now.”

“Well, that’s good to hear, what can I help you with today?” I ask again, getting annoyed that she avoided the question.

“I wanted to get my tongue pierced, you guys do those right?” she asks, leaning forward on the wooden part of the front desk.

“Yes, we do, let me get my friend out here to get the papers signed and everything while I go and set everything up for you,” I tell her as I walk towards the back to go get Carsten.

“Hey man, can you get paperwork set up and signed for me so I can get this set up real quick to do a tongue piercing?” I ask him in a monotone voice, just not in the mood for anything.

“Ya man, I’ll go right up there.”

“Thanks man, you can send her back when you’re done,” I tell him, walking away.

I walk into my office and start sanitizing and preparing everything for her as she walks in.

“Man, I didn’t think there was going to be two hot men that worked here.” She flirts with me, staring out the door as Carsten walks by, she waves and giggles.

“Well sweetie, sorry to break your heart but he’s married with children,” I tell her as she looks away shocked.

“Married and has kids, damn. Well, what about you, handsome?” she asks me in a seductive voice, walking towards me slowly.

“I have a girlfriend.” I lie because I’m not in the mood to be flirted with and I hope with me saying that she stops flirting.

“Well, I know how to keep a secret.” She winks and I don’t even react, I don’t even know if I heard what she said fully.

“Here, come have a seat in my chair so we can get your piercing done.” I still ignore what she says and move to grab my gloves and everything else I need.

“Alright, I’m going to place this under your tongue to absorb any spit until I’m ready, and I’m going to have you tuck this into your shirt to collect any drool that might come out of your mouth in the process.”

“Yes, sir.” She winks at me and It’s so hard not to roll my eyes. I mean she’s attractive, but not my type at all. My only type I have right now is Emerald and it still hits me like a ton of bricks every time I think about the fact that we’re not together anymore.

“Alright, stick your tongue out as far as you can for me,” I tell her as I grab my clamps to place on her tongue. “Now I’m going to place this on your tongue, it’s honestly probably going to hurt more than the actual piercing itself,” I tell her because that’s what I’ve heard most of my customers say when I’ve pierced their tongues.

“Alright, I’m gonna have you take a deep breath in.” I push it through her tongue, and she scrunches her eyes, slightly wincing from the pain. “Then out.”

“Now take a deep breath again.” I put the jewelry in her tongue and remove the piercing needle.

“Alright, we’re all done,” I tell her, removing the cloth from under her tongue and her shirt.

“That wasn’t terrible.” She smiles slowly, licking her lips, scrunching her eyes closed when the tongue ring hits her tooth, and I try not to laugh.

“Nope, I’ve heard it’s not bad at all.”

“So, do you have any piercings?” She has a smirk on her face as she looks me up and down.

“Yep, plenty,” I tell her, waiting for her to ask what.

“Where are your piercings at?”

“I have a Jacob's ladder,” I chuckle as I walk out of the room with a smirk, because most women don’t know what that is and usually have to google it.

“Well shit.” Is all I hear as I walk to the desk, yep, she must have googled it.

She comes running out of the room.

“That didn’t hurt at all? I never knew that was possible.” She giggles in shock.

“Nope, my girlfriend loves it.” I tell her as I hand over her bag of stuff she purchased before her piercing.

“Here’s your tip.” She hands me twenty dollars.

“How much do you want back in change?”

“Nope, that’s all for you. I don’t want anything. Thank you so much.” She leans on the wooden part of the desk again.

“Thank you, I appreciate the tip,” I tell her, setting it down on the counter.

“If you ever become single anytime soon. Here’s my number,” she says, writing it down on a piece of paper. I just smile. I don't bother saying anything about it.

“Have a good day,” I tell her as she starts walking towards the door.

“Thanks, you too.” She waves and right as she’s out of my view I take her number and throw it away. I don’t need that, even if I am single right now, she was too desperate.

“Man, that was rough, huh?” Carsten’s laughing as he comes out of the back hallway.

“Ya it was, she was way too desperate.” I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “She practically pouted when I told her you were married with kids.” I laugh.

He starts laughing and shaking his head. “That’s hilarious. Thank god I’m not single.” Then he pauses. “Fuck man, I wasn’t thinking.” He slaps his hand on his face.

“It’s fine. I’m not upset. What time are those girls supposed to be here?” I change the subject. I’m not trying to talk about Emerald and not be focused on my customer.

“Should be here any minute.” He looks down at his phone to look at the time, right as a car pulls up and two blonde girls get out of the car. I turn to him and roll my eyes. This should be interesting.

About an hour and a half later I’m getting back into my truck to head to Lisa’s Diner, so I text Axton to let him know we’re headed there.

Creedence

Hey man headed to Lisa’s Diner now you still down?

Axton

Yep I’ll leave here now, see you soon.

Creedence

See you man.

“Axton is joining us for lunch, is that cool?” I should probably check with Carsten thinking it's probably too late to be asking that question, but I know he won’t care.

“Ya, of course I’ll see you in a few.” He gets into his car.

“See you,” I tell him as I shut my truck door.

I pull into the parking lot of Lisa’s Diner, shutting off my truck and getting out.

“Fuck dude.” I say to myself as I see Emerald’s car here. I thought she was off today; I wonder why she’s here.

Carsten pulls up next to me and I look at him shaking my head.

“Man, I don't know if I can do this.” I say as he opens his car door.

“Do what?” He raises his eyebrow, confused since he just got here.

“Emerald is here. She was supposed to be off today.” I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning against my truck.

“Fuck, wanna skip the diner today then? Maybe she picked up an extra shift.” He says as he shuts his car door.

“Nah, I’ll be fine I just don’t want to make it awkward for her, ya know?” I shrug, feeling bad that I’m about to walk through the diner door. I’m good at putting on a show, I know it’ll kill her if I act okay, but I can’t show her that I’m hurt.

“Ya I get it, but it’s a small town, you guys can’t avoid each other forever if you aren’t going to be together anymore.” He isn’t saying it in a dick way either, he’s just speaking the truth because that’s just how our town works.

“Ya those were my thoughts exactly, gonna have to get used to seeing each other still even if we’re not ready.”

My heart sinks as I walk through the door and she’s one of the first people I see, we make brief eye contact before she looks away. I can see the tears forming in her eyes and I look down trying to stop my own tears from forming, I can’t believe she affects me this way. Seeing her going through a heartbreak that’s caused by me breaks my heart even more. Fuck maybe this was a bad idea. She rushes off to the back room, so fast she’s almost running and my heart hurts. It feels heavy and empty at the same time. I’d give anything to go and hug her. But I can’t. Not anytime soon.