Calamity Rayne Knocked Up (Calamity Rayne #4)

7. Have you heard the one about the doctor and the giant dildo?

Have you heard the one about the doctor and the giant dildo?

“ I have a surprise for you.”

I looked up from my toes and a glob of polish landed on my phone where I was watching TikToks. “Shit. Hand me a tissue.”

Hale pulled two tissues form the box. “Why don’t you have them do that for you downstairs at the salon.”

“Because I like the challenge, and it feels nostalgic to do poor people things for myself from time to time.”

“I’d hardly call painting your nails poor people things.”

“Well, I was just a broke bitch before I met you so I have years of experience when it comes to doing things like this for myself.”

“For having years of experience, you’re not very good at it. There’s more polish on your skin than the actual nail.”

Realizing how much this was probably making him twitch, I laughed and accidentally dabbed the red polish on my foot. “Oopsy. Will you look at that?”

“Rayne.”

I looked up at him with feigned innocence. “What? I slipped.”

“Give me that.” He took the polish and lifted my foot to rest on his lap. “You’ve mangled them.”

When he sniffed the nail polish, I laughed. “You know I struggle with the girlie things, Hale.”

He dunked the brush and wiped away the messy spots on my skin. “I think it’s more about concentration than being girlie.” He focused on painting clean, straight strokes with my nailbed.

I wiggled my toes.

“Hey. Stop that.”

“What was your surprise?”

He never broke concentration. “I made us an appointment.”

“For?”

“There’s a world-renowned reproductive specialist here in the city. We have a consultation with one of the doctors this afternoon.”

“Oh.” Usually, Hale had great surprises. This one felt more like an oil change.

“You sound disappointed.”

“I’m just surprised.”

“Well, I said it was a surprise.”

“Yeah, but…” We were having such a nice getaway, I dreaded spoiling it with bad news. “Is that why you came here?”

He stopped painting my toenails. “Rayne, I thought you’d be excited about this. She’s one of the best fertility specialists in the country. It’s not an easy appointment to get on short notice, but if you don’t want to go, we can cancel it.”

If that was true, we couldn’t cancel now. Then we might get blackballed and never get an appointment again. “Is it a doctor’s office just for women?”

“No, they see men, too.”

“So, we’re both going?”

“Of course. I wasn’t going to send you there alone. We’re planning for our family.”

“So…if they want to run some tests on you…?”

“I’ll do whatever they need me to do.”

I smiled, pleased with his effort. Even though his test probably came down to filling a cup. Why was it women got ‘a little pressure’ and men got an orgasm when it came to fertility tests?

He squeezed my ankles. “Hey. Relax. We’re just going to hear them out and get some information. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“What time’s the appointment?”

He looked at his watch. “We have to be there in an hour.”

“Hale!” I shot off the couch. “I’ll never be ready!”

“Watch the carpet. Your nails are wet.”

“Exactly! I can’t shower now.”

“So don’t.”

“Hello? Are you new? Lady doctors check everything! I still reek of boduissy !”

“What the hell is boduissy?”

“ Boduissy! Booty, dick, and pussy!”

Laughter belted out of him. “So go shower.”

I growled and waddled toward the bathroom. “So much for my pedicure.”

An hour later, we were sitting in a sterile, Ikea-style waiting room. The place smelled of opposition, mixed levels of hope, and privilege. I wouldn’t exactly call it welcoming or homey. There was a super-enlarged baby poster on the wall. What did it say about me if I found that kind of closeup creepy?

Elara could totally be a model. She was way cuter than any of the kids plastered on the walls here.

“Mr. and Mrs. Davenport?”

Hale stood and took my hand, raising a brow when he felt how clammy my fingers were. I don’t know why I was so nervous.

What was wrong with my doctor at home? Sure, he was about a decade past retirement, and his bedside manner had room for improvement, but these New York doctors intimidated me.

“Dr. Seacrest is waiting for you,” the nurse said, directing us toward a scale. “I just need both your weights and a quick urine sample from Mrs. Davenport.”

That was easy enough with my nervous bladder. I accepted the cup while Hale got on the scale. His weight never fluctuated more than half a pound. Mine, on the other hand, yo-yoed all over the place on a weekly basis.

The one time I needed to pee in a straight stream urine came spraying out of me like a sprinkler. After washing my hands and tightening the lid over a few salvageable drops of urine, I returned to the hall. The nurse took the cup and instructed me to step on the scale.

I glared over my shoulder at Hale. “Turn around.”

He pivoted, and I read the scale. Yikes. That was quite a few pounds higher than I was used to weighing. “Are you sure this is right?”

Hale laughed, and I glanced down to find his foot on the corner of the scale.

I smacked his shoulder. “Jerk!”

When he lifted his foot, the scale settled back to my usual weight -- plus ten. Which was normal. I guess.

“Perfect. Come with me.” The nurse led us into an office rather than a patient room, and a beautiful woman with dark, curly hair rose from behind a white veneer desk.

“Mr. and Mrs. Davenport, welcome to Blossom Fertility.” She shook both of our hands, and we sat.

To stop from fidgeting, I buried my hands in my lap. This place looked more like a med spa than a doctor’s office.

“I’ve gone over your medical history and the good news is, so far, everything looks great. ”

“It does?” How did she get our medical history?

Dr. Seacrest nodded. “Your recent tests show no red flags, and we’re at a good place to dig a little deeper. I want to conduct a personal interview with the two of you so that we can fill in some missing information your other doctors might not have considered collecting. Do you mind if we get started?”

Hale nodded his consent, and she opened a slim laptop, her focus moving to the screen.

“How frequently do you have intercourse?”

“Daily.”

I gaped at him. “We do it pretty frequently when Hale's around, but he travels a lot.”

“Would you agree that you have daily intercourse on the days he’s home?”

I don’t know why I was suddenly embarrassed, but we sounded like whores. “Yes?” I leaned forward and explained, “We’re newlyweds.”

Were we still newlyweds? It had been over a year since the wedding. Did other couples have sex as often as we did?

“And how often do you travel, Hale?”

“Weekly. I’m usually away on business for half the week.”

“And…” She clicked her mouse. “You have a daughter?”

“Yes.”

I cleared my throat, but Hale only looked at me.

“Rayne?” The doctor questioned my expression.

I looked at Hale, giving him one last chance to fill her in. Was he seriously not going to explain Elara? Fine. “Full disclosure, I adopted Elara about a year and a half ago and…” I looked at Hale, waiting for him to jump in. Last chance. Going once. Going twice. Sold to the big coward in denial. “Hale’s not her biological father either. He adopted her when she was born.”

I glanced at Hale, as he stared intensely at a small mark on the wall behind the doctor.

“Okay. That’s important information.” She typed a few notes into her computer. “Do you use any lubricants or other products that could affect sperm mobility?”

“Um…” I looked at Hale again. This was his idea, yet he left me to answer all the tough questions. I kicked his foot and he snapped out of whatever haze he’d been in .

“We use lube on occasion.”

“For vaginal intercourse?”

“Anal.”

World, swallow me now.

“When you typically have vaginal intercourse, what positions do you use?”

“All of them.”

My cheeks burned. Why not just show her the slideshow of pictures from last night? That reminded me I needed to delete them from his phone.

“Good, variety helps.”

Thank God she wasn’t the sort of doctor to judge people.

After a few more questions, the doctor closed her laptop and smiled. “Since Rayne’s recently had comprehensive bloodwork, I won’t order more labs for her. But I would like to arrange an ultrasound. And, Hale, I’d like to get a sample from you. From there, we should be able to get a clear picture of where we stand.”

“Sounds good.”

I stood. “Do we make the appointment with you or at the desk where we checked in?”

“Oh, no. We’re a fully equipped clinic. You can head right to imagery from here.”

“But…I haven’t been to makeup. I’m not ready for a close up.”

She laughed. “There’s nothing to worry about, Rayne. The ultrasound is completely painless, and you should be finished in under twenty minutes. Hale, you can return to reception, and they’ll show you where to go from there.”

She was separating us? I looked up at Hale with wide eyes and he immediately read my panic. “I’ll go with Rayne.”

The doctor paused. “That’s not really necessary?—”

“I know. But it’s what I’m doing.” He took my hand and kissed my fingers. “Come on, baby. We’re in this together.”

Having Hale close by calmed my nerves, but the experience was still awkward as hell. They put me in a paper gown and told me to wait in a dark room with a large screen. The paper blanket covering my lap crinkled even when I laid still.

“I hate these paper outfits.”

“Are you sure you have it on correctly? I thought the ties usually go in the back.”

“They’re not examining my asshole, Hale.” I sighed, trying to ignore the obnoxious crinkling that accompanied my every breath. “These beds are comfortable. Do you think they’re made by the same people who make regular mattresses?”

Hale wiggled the stirrups, inspecting the engineering. “Why don’t you put your feet up?” He glanced back at the monitor of the ultrasound machine, but the screen was dark.

Not thinking anything of it, I did as he suggested. That was more comfortable.

“It’s a little cold in here.” When he reached under my paper blanket, I slammed a hand between my legs. “Hale!”

“What? You’re my wife. It’s not like I haven’t seen it a million times before.”

“First of all, it’s not an it , it’s a her. Second of all, don’t be inappropriate.”

He sat back, crossing his arms over his chest, and stared at the stirrups. “We could have one of those delivered to the house.”

Before I could yell at him for being a pervert, the door opened, and a cheery redhead waltzed in. “Hello!”

Well, wasn’t she chipper?

“Sorry to keep you waiting. We’ll have you out of here in no time. And, good, you’re already in position.”

I adjusted the modesty blanket and opened my gown, exposing my belly.

The tech turned on the monitor and faced me with an enormous wand. “Oh, the doctor ordered a transvaginal ultrasound so you can keep your gown closed.”

I blushed and covered my stomach just as she rolled a condom down the long penis-shaped stick. That’s when I understood that enormous dildo was a camera. My eyes widened.

“That’s how you collect the images?” Hale grinned and I rolled my eyes.

“Why don’t you just ask for some popcorn, Hale. It’s not a movie premiere.”

The tech chuckled as she squirted a blob of lubricant on the end of the giant wand and handed it to me. I looked at her questioningly. “Um?”

“You’re going to insert the transducer into the vagina, and I’ll guide it from there.”

If Hale’s grin got any bigger I was going to smack him in the head with the big dildo. “I just, uh, put it inside?”

“Yup.”

Face burning, I bent forward and slipped the rod inside. It didn’t matter that there was lube and a condom, this was the most unsexual situation I’d ever been in .

A black-and-white image moved on the screen. “Great. I’ll take it from here.”

She reached between my legs and gripped the end of the probe. Was this what the crop circle aliens did when they abducted people?

“Go ahead and lie back and relax, Rayne. No reason for you to be uncomfortable.”

If only she knew me.

Her gaze was glued to the screen.

Hale wagged his brows, and I shot him fireballs from my eyes.

“Try to relax. You’re tensing.”

Jesus, she could feel that?

“How exactly does this work? Is it sonar?” It was reassuring to see that my husband still had some maturity left. He frowned at the blurry images on the screen.

Was that what my internal organs looked like?

“Yes. The transducer emits high-frequency sound waves that bounce off internal structures and create images of the pelvic organs.” She moved the wand, and my eyes went wide. She was really freaking up there. “There’s your wife’s cervix. And this area here is the rectum.”

“I thought I recognized that.”

I was going to kill him.

The tech laughed. “And that right there is the bladder.”

It was official. Hale had finally seen every last inch of me. While he made jokes and she took pictures, I did what I did best and worried. “Does everything look okay?”

“Oh, I just take the images. The doctor will go over the results with you.”

That sounded ominous. Why did we have to call them results? Maybe they were just selfies? Whatever happened to good old slides?

Hale took my hand. “You okay, baby?”

Oh, look who finally showed up for emotional support. About freaking time. “I’m fine. Just lying around with a big old wand up my cooter.”

He squeezed my hand lovingly. “Just a typical Wednesday afternoon.”

What was with him today? My eyes narrowed. “You’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’, Mister.”

He chuckled and blew me a kiss.

The tech took several pictures of my insides, and then the wand was gone, and I was instructed to get dressed.

As we walked to Hale’s side of the building, I joked, “I hope they didn’t find any pictures of old school rings up there.”

Hale growled. “Not funny, Rayne.”

“Oh, you’re the only one who can make jokes today?”

“Those are the rules.”

I rolled my eyes.

To Hale’s disappointment, I was not allowed in the sample room with him. “Is there a nurse who can offer a little prostate stimulation if he needs it? Sometimes that helps.”

“Rayne,” Hale snapped, and I snickered.

Payback was a bitch.

“I don’t need that,” he assured the nurse.

“Uh, we don’t offer that,” she said, missing the joke. She slid Hale a cup, and I plopped into a waiting room chair, wincing.

Of course, Hale noticed, and his expression instantly turned to concern. “You okay, baby?”

I rubbed my bottom. “Yeah. My butt’s still sore from last night.”

He grinned. “I bet it is.” He tossed the cup up in the air and caught it in one hand. “I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

“Oh, honey, you never take that long,” I teased loudly. His eyes narrowed as he disappeared into the private room. He was going to spank me again.

After our appointment at the fertility clinic, we were told to grab dinner at a local restaurant and return to the clinic when we finished to review the results of our tests.

“So, how was it?” I asked Hale once we placed our order.

“Which part? The part when my wife took a ten-inch dildo or the part when I got to jerk off to porn?”

“They gave you porn?” I scoffed. “See! This is exactly why I hate the patriarchy!”

“You think those imaginary old men around the poker table ordered that porn for me?”

“They are the patriarchy.”

“Of course they are.”

“And that dildo-cam could have been a few inches shorter. I blame them for that, too.”

“Right.”

When our drinks arrived, we did a quick cheers. “To fertility,” I said, taking a big gulp of my margarita. “God, I miss tequila.”

“Then why did you order a virgin margarita?”

“I’m trying something new. Plants and stuff. It’s supposed to keep me more grounded and connected to nature.”

“And the plant that grows the margarita is…?”

“A lime. Duh.”

“Of course.”

My spiritually awakened appetite took a nose dive when Hale ordered a steak. “Make that two,” I said, changing my order at the last second.

“Do you want that with the salad or without?”

“You can cancel the salad.”

The waiter nodded and walked away. Hale arched a brow.

“Don’t judge me. Cows eat grass. I’m getting nutrients from somewhere.”

He held up his hands. “I never told you to eat plants and give up alcohol or meat. I like you happy and a little drunk.”

I pursed my lips. “That’s because I’m a cheap date.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” He lifted my left hand and traced his thumb over my wedding ring. “You’ve cost me more than any other woman.”

“Just wait. Your daughter’s been in princess training since birth.”

“She’s your daughter, too.”

“I know.” And I did know. I loved that little peanut with every ounce of my heart. Sometimes, I worried it would be impossible tolove a second child as much.Elara already owned so much of my heart. “You’re lucky I’m so down to earth, otherwise you’d really have your hands full.”

He kissed my hand. “I am lucky.”

I sipped my margarita, which was really just a slurpy with an umbrella in it. “Do you think the universe gives us exactly what we need?”

“I think the powerful people have power because they know how to take control.”

That theory didn’t help us out when it came to family planning. “You can’t command everything, Hale.”

“If I covet something, I’ll stop at nothing to get it.” He touched my wedding ring again. “Case in point, I have you.”

“You’re such a sexy, savage capitalist. Tell me more, Big Daddy. ”

He sipped his old fashioned. “Men who have everything they want don’t need to brag.”

“You don’t have everything you want.”

His fingers laced with mine. “It’ll happen, Rayne.”

I wish I had his confidence.

After dinner, we returned to the clinic. I was once again nervous for reasons I didn’t understand. We waited for Dr. Seacrest in a small conference room where I critically judged the minimalist decor.

“Do you think the different holding areas are for different purposes?”

Hale looked up from his phone. “What do you mean?”

“Like, does us waiting in here imply something about our results?”

“No, I think our chart tells them about our results.”

He was always so logical. “Do you think you gave them a good sample?” I made a fist and flexed my muscle. “Strong?”

“Did you just ask if my semen was strong?”

I shrugged. “Well, they should be, right? That’s a long ass journey for those little guys. Plus, it’s a race. I like to picture them storming my ovaries as Flight of the Valkyries plays.”

He silently chuckled then said, “Yes, they were strong.”

“Good.” I chewed my lip nervously. “I hope my ovaries were photogenic. ”

The door finally opened. “Davenports, how was dinner?”

We pushed through the tedious small talk, but I was anxious to get to the results. “Did you find anything concerning?” Hale took my hand, silently urging me to calm down.

“Actually, I did.”

I clenched. This was it. This was the moment she told me I was as barren as the old west during a high noon shoot out.

“You can relax, Rayne. I have good news. I’m almost certain I’ve figured out the issue.”

“So, there is an issue?” Hale asked, shifting in his seat to sit a little straighter.

Oh, God. It was me. I was a faulty model. Or was it him? Maybe his swimmers were just a bunch of doggy paddling lost boys.

“A minor one,” the doctor clarified.

“Mine or his?” I blurted, unable to bear the suspense. “Just give it to me straight, Doc. It’s me, isn’t it? My plumbing’s all clogged, isn’t it? I knew it. The Reiki lady said I was stuck. I eat a lot of dairy.”

“Rayne, baby, let her talk.” Hale squeezed my clammy hand in both of his.

But my hands weren’t sweating. That was Hale’s sweat. Oh, God, if Hale was nervous, we were screwed. He was supposed to be the calm one!

“It comes down to timing,” Dr. Seacrest explained. “All of your test results were healthy. Sperm mobility is good and I saw no uterine abnormalities. You have a thick, well-developed endometrium, Rayne, which is optimal for conception.”

“So…we’re just not doing it enough ?”

“Well, from your interview, you seem to be enjoying frequent intercourse. Females with shorter menstrual cycles can sometimes ovulate earlier than expected. There’s a chance you’ve just been missing the window. Lifestyle factors, such as stress, can also lead to delays in ovulation and impact fertility. Can you think of an obvious source of stress in your life?”

“No, not that I can…” My words drifted off as soon as I met Hale’s stare. Okay, maybe there was one source, but that seemed like a stretch. Or was it?

We both sighed and said, “Remington.”

“What’s Remington?”

Hale grimaced. “He’s my father and Rayne’s boss.”

“Do you consider your job stressful, Rayne?”

“My job? No.” My phone buzzed. Speak of the devil. I sent the call to voicemail. “My boss, however, can be a bit of a handful.”

“And your boss is also your father-in-law?”

“Yes, but I have a very different relationship with him than Hale. We’re more like friends.” If one friend always bossed the other around and made them pick up their dry cleaning and headhunt minions.

“He’s a malignant narcissist who expects the world to revolve around his needs,” Hale explained. “If he can’t profit off of someone, he views them as a waste of time.”

“I see.”

“That’s a little harsh,” I mumbled.

“Harsh, but true. He’s a source of stress in both our lives,” he told the doctor and I gaped at the little tattletale.

“I wouldn’t say that?—”

“How many times has he texted you since we’ve been here? Ignore the fact that you’re using your personal time, he knows you’re away with your husband, and that you have a doctor’s appointment today.”

I casually slid my phone into my bag. Stunned Hale would throw me under the bus like that. Yes, Remington had called several times, but that was only because I was a crucial part of his daily operations.

“I’m an indispensable part of the company,” I explained, refusing to look at Hale who knew that was a lie.

“He was probably looking for paperwork on collectible cars, or something equally unimportant. He has no respect for your personal time.”

“It’s not like I can’t ignore him.” I bunched my shoulders, feelings slightly under attack. “He knows I’m busy, that’s why I haven’t answered him. I’ll call him back when I feel like it.” My purse vibrated in my lap, and I winced.

Hale gazed at the bag. “That’s him right now, isn’t it?”

“So? You don’t see me rushing to answer.” Just then, the Imperial March blared from my work phone. If Remington was using the emergency line reserved only for emergencies, it must mean that whatever he needed couldn’t wait. Hale held my stare, daring me not to pick up. I almost didn’t, but the longer it rang, the more I worried something was wrong. “I’m sorry, I have to get this.”

I discreetly lifted the phone from my purse, and the Imperial March silenced. “Remington? I’m at a doctor’s appointment. Did you need something?”

“Meyers, what did you do with the paperwork from the marina? I want you to see about moving my yachts closer to the cabana lounge.”

I closed my eyes as Hale glared at the phone. The room was small and silent, so there was no chance they couldn’t hear how ridiculous and not-urgent Remington’s question was.

“This is exactly what I’m talking about,” Hale told Dr. Seacrest. “She needs to establish boundaries.” He cupped his mouth and spoke loudly toward the phone, “This. Is. Her. Personal. Time.”

“Remington, I’ll have to call you back.” I hung up the phone and it instantly started ringing again. I silenced it, stuffing it all the way at the bottom of my bag as my blood pressure rose.

“That was an emergency?”

“You know how he is, Hale.” I didn’t want to argue about this here, so I faced the doctor. “Obviously, there are some changes I can make. But it’s also stressful that Hale refuses to get along with his father when he’s such a prominent part of our lives.”

There. I said it.

Was I going to look at Hale now that I told the truth? Abso-fucking-lutely not. So I stared wide-eyed at the doctor like a total psychopath.

“Well, it seems like you’ve identified some areas you can work on. A few boundaries and perhaps some minor lifestyle changes, and things should improve.”

Was she dismissing us? That was it?

Her advice was fuck more and stress less? Who wouldn’t benefit from that?

What a waste of a tank of gas. I mean, it was great we both got a clean bill of health, but we weren’t necessarily given a solution. I thought this lady was supposed to be the best of the best? We were at least happy before we came here. Now, we were both pissed off and not speaking. Great. This was exactly why I preferred to be non-confrontational in all things.