Ceridor (Danubian #4)

11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

Johann

Ceridor showed his seal identifying him as former Prince Regent Christian Licht to get us through the Helvetican border. We stabled the relay station horses and walked the rest of the way through town. It was near midnight by that point, but Ceridor and I still held hands, which made a thrill run through me.

Ceridor led me to a building already shut down for the night, but the painted sign out front said it was the Mulberry Inn. He knocked on the door and found it unlocked.

"I was watching so that no one else would come in," a voice said inside.

We entered and I found a man my age sitting next to my sister, his gentle features ringing a bell from a much earlier time. "Magnus?"

Effie had fallen asleep on the couch next to him, though he'd just been sitting next to her like a gentleman, so I didn't comment.

"Johann!" Magnus came over and gave me a big hug. "It's so good to see you."

"You too," I answered, warmed by his joy even despite the circumstances. The inn was lit dimly by a couple of candles, but I would recognize Magnus's impish smile, shining blue eyes, and jet black hair and brows anywhere.

"Johann," said my sister, who sat up and scrubbed her eyes. " Oida , I just crashed."

"There's a guest room for you," said Magnus. "Effie met Hilda, the innkeeper, who is looking for apprentices."

"She's really nice, Johann," my sister said. "We've got immediate work."

"That sounds great," I conceded, though it was only for now, at least in my case.

"Magnus will be returning to the Regent's house to sleep," said Ceridor.

Magnus whipped around to his older brother, his expression scandalized. "Of course! I had no intention of staying here."

Effie giggled at that. I wanted to hug her, but first, I needed a bath and a fresh change of clothes.

I saw Effie off to bed, then Ceridor led me to the bathing area the guests used.

"Are you also going to the Regent's house?" I asked.

He shook his head. "I stay here when I return home. My father and I have been on chilly terms ever since my eighteenth birthday."

I nodded, assuming there had to be a story behind that. "That's understandable."

We bathed in silence and got dressed in fresh clothes, Ceridor thankfully loaning me some since I'd left everything behind. Only belatedly did I realize that the man who had taken my virginity just the day before had been naked right next to me while in the bath and I'd barely even noticed, which spoke to my exhaustion.

"I don't even have the book on ancient Greek myths that you gave me back in the day," I mused softly, realizing it only now after all the crazy events of the last twenty-four hours. I had no idea if I'd even managed to eat, but my body was still in such shock I wasn't hungry.

"I'll ask Marit if there's another copy at Diana Monastery," said Ceridor, who helped me collect my things from the bath and get my dirty clothes to the laundry room.

"Is that your librarian friend?" I asked.

Ceridor nodded. "He's a fellow monk, between our ages. I funnel communications to Magnus through Marit, so that any letters I send from various locations can't be tracked."

That was nice of this monk-librarian.

We returned to the room Ceridor apparently used and rented from Hilda the innkeeper.

"You're welcome to stay in here," he offered. "I promise to keep my hands to myself."

He sent me a wink and I beamed.

"Ceridor," I said softly, continuing once I saw I had his attention, "let me be your partner. I want to be your boyfriend."

He sobered and shook his head. "I don't think that's a good idea. My work has me traveling much of the year, with only a few weeks at a time spent at home, then I'm gone again."

"Wherever I am," I challenged, "I can be a safe place for you to land. I'm here for now, but when I move to the Danubian capital to fight for Ulbrecht, I'll rent a room big enough for you too. And then when I earn my kingship back, well, you can have all the rooms in the castle that you want."

Ceridor appraised me, as if unsure how to interpret my words. But I was utterly serious, and eventually he nodded, clearly seeing that. "Alright. Let's give it a try. But first, you have to do something, not for me, but for yourself."

I furrowed my brows in confusion, but the mystery was soon settled as he plucked a book off the shelf, smoothed any dust off, then handed it to me.

"What's this?" I asked, taking it from him carefully.

Ceridor spoke softly, so as not to wake anyone in the rooms nearby. "It's a manual for processing neurological trauma."

The book was already in his room, and though it was well taken care of, there were telltale signs that it was in no way a fresh purchase. Ceridor had used this, and the implications…The trust he was showing me settled on my shoulders like a mantel of stone, growing heavier as he continued to speak.

"When I first arrived at Diana Monastery, the monks put me through a series of interviews wherein they questioned me about why I wanted to study there. When they learned what had happened to me only recently before coming to the monastery—that on my eighteenth birthday, I'd told my father I wanted to be a bard, and he'd proceeded to attack me physically and would have disowned me had my mother not intervened—they gave me this book of journaling exercises that I had to work through before I could proceed. We'll go to the market and get you a journal tomorrow. Some exercises are to be written down and kept so you can reflect on them later, and some are to be burned, so we'll also purchase some scrap paper from the local bookbinder."

"Why burn them?" I asked, hugging the book to my chest.

"Because you write down your fears and resentments, and they may well be irrational, and mean. You wouldn't want someone to find them, because it's most effective if you don't censor yourself. Then you release them to a higher power, and as you burn the paper, you imagine those fears and resentments too are reduced to ashes and can't haunt you anymore. It's an effective magic."

Magic. Something I hadn't truly believed was real until today.

Ceridor had proven he was capable of it, seeing as his disguise as an old man had fooled Effie and me for years. Suddenly I recalled that Ulbrecht was rumored to study under a magewoman, and that the strange lanterns the folk people talked of that protected Ulbrecht in battle were themselves a type of magical power wielded by unknown gods. Now that I was going to serve directly under Ulbrecht, I wanted to learn more about the types of magic that were actually real.

Ceridor sat on the bed and put his palms on my knees, his expression aggrieved. "You were beaten by your father nearly every day for years…right? Effie wasn't exaggerating?"

Too choked up for words, I nodded that it was the truth.

"Oh, Schatz ," said Ceridor, tears in his voice. He pulled me close, hugging me and kissing my hair. "I can hold you and comfort you when you need it, but something so horrible is more than a mere partner can heal for another, especially with how often I travel. You have to take charge of your own healing. Work through the book by the next time I return from my travels, and I will bring additional books from the monastery for you to tackle next."

"I will," I promised, nodding against him. "Thank you."

Ceridor smiled, then when we separated he leaned in and kissed my forehead. The tenderness of that act nearly broke me, and finally after such an awful day my eyes burned with tears. Ceridor gave me his handkerchief as he piled us into bed. I settled into his arms, hot tears leaking onto his sleeping shirt. Ceridor kissed my hair and petted the back of my neck, resting his cheek against the top of my head. I kept crying until his breathing evened out in sleep, then as if on cue, my body followed him and exhaustion pulled me under.