Christmas at a Highland Castle

Chapter 19

The only thought in Dee’s head was to get away. She had to go somewhere she could breathe, somewhere away from wherever Robbie and Jess were. The roll-neck jumper she was wearing was suddenly too hot, and she tugged at it. Or was she too cold? It was impossible to tell. She felt numb, her fingers useless as she grabbed at the fabric folds surrounding her throat, fingernails scratching at her skin.

How could she be so stupid? Why was she still naive enough to believe anyone might have genuinely strong feelings for her? She should have realised there was more to the relationship between Robbie and Jess when she had seen her putting her hand on Robbie’s arm the day she was at his cottage. It was her own fault for believing there could be more between Robbie and herself – she should have known better.

Less than a week ago she would have been content with Robbie’s friendship – she still should be – and yet now she knew there couldn’t be more to their relationship than that, the whole thing felt hopeless.

Dee took the stairs two at a time and locked herself in her room, pacing from one side of the space to the other.

It was laughable, if she stopped to think about it, that anyone as special as Robbie could fall in love with someone like her – she was the dullest, most uninteresting woman on the face of the planet. She must be. Henry had become bored with her quickly enough, hadn’t he?

In frustration, she struck again and again at the wall with balled-up hands, pain shooting through her arms and tears pricking her eyes. She should know by now just how little she mattered, in the grand scheme of things.

It had been a large part of what had attracted her to Henry, she supposed. His maturity and confidence. His life experience. She’d wanted to feel greater than the sum of her parts. She’d thought Henry would help her to grow and develop into someone better, someone more interesting.

Instead, she’d been shoved into a small box, left to inhabit a space smaller than the one she’d had before she married him.

And now what? In a misguided attempt to escape the gilded cage she’d inhabited for such a long time, Dee had fallen for a man who had far too much to offer to be interested in someone like her. She was pathetic.

Throwing herself onto the bedspread, Dee buried her face in her pillow and allowed the pain to turn to sadness as the image of Robbie’s calm smile taunted her.

He was a gentleman. A gentle man. He and Jess – or someone else as young and beautiful as that girl – would find proper love and be very happy together. Maybe he would share scraps of his life with Dee in the meantime, but soon enough he’d realise she had little to offer him, not really. And the sooner she faced up to that reality, the better.

Dee wept until she ran out of energy, eventually falling into a restless sleep.

Once Robbie had left, Jess dragged Digby out for a wee, the little dog scooting back onto his bed the moment they were back inside. Bolting the door went some way to making Jess feel safer, too.

She felt as though the castle had undergone a mini apocalypse, that she needed to barricade herself inside to keep everyone safe from shotgun-wielding marauders. Silly, really. The gun room was inside the house – and, although it was locked up tight, that meant there were probably more guns inside the property than outside. Strictly speaking, she’d be safer outside. Her thought process was crazy, logic dictated she had nothing to worry about, and yet she couldn’t help herself.

Without the party to cater for, Jess took the bottles of champagne from the fridge, standing them on the dresser instead. She’d have to find out where to put them, and decide what on earth she was going to do with all the food filling the fridge. Freeze what she could, she supposed. Use the rest of it over the next few days.

‘No. I can’t …’ She swung the fridge door closed, deciding Sebastian had been right to tell her to take the night off, to rest. Her brain was fried anyway; she couldn’t think straight. Maybe a few pages of a book and some of her favourite music would calm her.

She made her habitual circuit of the downstairs in preparation for retiring for the night, and saw the lights were still on in the music room, a warm glow seeping under the connecting door into the drawing room. Then she heard the music.

Pushing open the door, she saw Sebastian playing, his back to her. This time, she didn’t hesitate to gain his attention. She didn’t want him to think she was eavesdropping on him. Not after the day they’d both had.

‘Sebastian?’ she said, softly but with enough volume to gain his attention. His fingers lifted from the keys, and he turned. ‘Can I listen for a while?’

He smiled, gesturing for her to come closer. She perched on the end of the long piano stool and stayed quiet, allowing him to pick up from where she’d disturbed him. She had no idea what piece of music he was playing – there was no sheet music, he was playing from memory – but it was magical. Jess found herself closing her eyes, allowing the notes to roll their way over her. She felt herself smile for the first time since the shoot.

He played another piece, then another. This one she did recognise.

‘I think I know that one,’ she said, her tone low and quiet, as though she didn’t want her words to break the moment.

‘It’s called “Für Elise”. By Beethoven.’

‘That’s it. I always wanted to have a go at learning that one.’

‘It was the first piece I was properly proud to be able to play,’ he said, standing and striding across to a cabinet of shallow drawers. Pulling one open, he rifled through the papers within and came back with sheet music held aloft, like a prize. ‘Here it is.’

He settled the music on the rack and gestured for her to take centre stage at the keyboard.

‘You want me to have a go?’ she said, shaking her head at him. ‘It looks super-complicated. I’m sure I’ll butcher it.’

‘Not after what I heard of your playing the other day. It’s not really any harder than “Moon River”, and you had that nailed. Look …’ He pointed at the first few bars of the music. ‘The first section’s not that complicated, you just need to break it down into smaller chunks, work out each bit and slot them back together. There’s plenty of repetition, too, so that helps.’

Jess had to admit, the concentration required to learn a new piece of music managed to dispel her thoughts about shotguns, finally got rid of the noise of the blasts and removed her feelings of panic. It was calming, it was all-consuming and when she eventually managed to play most of the first page through without serious error, she held her hand up to high-five with Sebastian. He reciprocated, his calm smile mirrored by hers.

‘Would you play it all through so I can hear how it should sound?’ she asked, sliding to the end of the bench.

In answer, he took command of the keyboard, playing the piece as though he had an audience of thousands, not just her.

At its conclusion, she smiled. ‘There’s no way I’m ever going to make it sound like that. Absolutely amazing.’

‘Not really,’ he said. ‘It’s just practice. I’ve had quite the head start on you.’

‘I’m pretty sure there’s a bit more to it than practice, but thanks for making me feel better about my limited skillset.’ After a moment, she said, ‘What does “Für Elise” mean?’

‘For Elise. Story goes that Beethoven wrote it for the woman he wanted to marry.’

The words hung heavy for a moment, and they stared at one another. Jess had to squash a sudden overwhelming desire to kiss him. Swallowing hard, and unsure where the impulse had sprung from, she hurried into another question, realising as the words left her mouth that they weren’t ideally suited to deflecting her thoughts. ‘Did they end up getting married?’

Sebastian edged closer, then sighed and looked past her, gathering up the music booklet. ‘She didn’t want him.’

He stood, sliding the music back into the cabinet drawer. ‘Any time you want to come in and practise – feel free.’

Even though it was a one-sided moment – Jess was convinced it was felt solely by her – Sebastian getting up had broken it, so she closed the fallboard and stood. Then she yawned, suddenly and ferociously enough to make Sebastian laugh.

‘You need some sleep,’ he said, as they left the room. ‘Tomorrow will be a better day.’

He didn’t seem particularly convinced by his own words, and Jess couldn’t help but notice the slump in his shoulders as he left her in the corridor and headed for the stairs.