Christmas at a Highland Castle

Chapter 20

As the weekend progressed, December expanded its grip, giving Kirkshield its first sprinkling of snow. The castle was even quieter than usual. Olivia and Candida were away, staying with friends. Dee wasn’t feeling well and spent most of her time in her room. Sebastian was also difficult to pin down; he seemed preoccupied again.

Jess supposed it made for an easier life than if Olivia’s party had gone ahead – less tidying up of the aftermath of what she had expected to be a lively gathering – but after she’d spent Saturday rattling around the rooms, checking the buckets in the attic and trying out recipes in an Aga which still left her mystified, on Sunday frustration got the better of her. Jess pulled off her cooking apron. She glanced at Digby, now more faithful companion than inconvenient miscreant, and smiled.

‘Come on, then,’ she said, leading the way to the music room.

Jess spent a peaceful hour trying to master the next sections of ‘Für Elise’, Digby snoozing peacefully by the window. Did she hope Sebastian might hear her efforts and join her? She’d be lying if she denied it. But he didn’t, and perhaps it was for the best. Jess concentrated on a particularly difficult set of chords, allowing her fingers to settle and become familiar with the shapes of each part of the music. Eventually her fingers were tired, as was her brain, but she could now play more phrases with confidence and smiled at the thought of conquering the entire piece.

With time still on her hands, she dressed Digby up and headed outside. Digby seemed fully restored after his fright with the shooting party, so she struck out for the Macwarrens’ cottage, with the dog resplendent in his special coat.

She felt the need to prove to her aunt that she was being a responsible minder for her prized pet. Plus, an outing would stop her dwelling any further on her own near miss in that wood. Stop her from thinking about the way Sebastian had risked his own safety to reach her, as well as the feelings which had sparked from his proximity, when his arm had been tight around her shoulder, and had continued to grow in the music room when he’d been teaching her to play ‘Für Elise’.

Heading towards the village piqued Digby’s interest, and he yanked Jess down the track. Jess was thankful for the layer of snow, which meant it was no longer icy, and she paused on the bridge, turning to view the castle. The air was still frigid, and as she stared up at Kirkshield Castle, the bubbling clouds above, muddy brown like the fleeces of the flock of Texel sheep running on one of the estate farms, promised more snow.

Somehow, the brown tinge to the clouds made the castle look rather handsome. The granite was startling in its greyness, the mortar between the huge blocks offsetting them with creamy lightness. The proportions of the building remained ridiculous in their vastness, but now she was more familiar with its internal space, the place no longer held the same aloof superiority.

At the cottage, Vivi was looking much improved, and Isla gave them afternoon tea, complete with a lemon sponge cake which was light enough to float away with the clouds.

‘I’m thinking of making a visit to the castle soon,’ Vivi said, watching with approval as Isla strained loose tea leaves from the pot as she filled three delicate cups.

‘You could come and give me an Aga tutorial,’ Jess said.

‘I was thinking more about checking your employer remains happy with your performance, Jess. There could be a lucrative line of work up here for Home From Home, if you’ve done a good-enough job.’

‘No pressure, then,’ Jess said. Should she tell Vivi now about the true nature of the estate’s finances? Vivi might storm up to the castle and demand immediate payment, or tell Jess to pack her bags and leave. Jess frowned. She didn’t want to do that.

‘Might get to see that devilishly handsome young man, too,’ Vivi said, thanking Isla as she passed over a cup of tea.

‘Sebastian?’ Jess said.

‘Who else? How many handsome young men are you hoarding up there?’ Vivi smiled as she added, ‘I’ve got this bizarre image in my head, now, of the castle being crammed full of the most handsome Scottish men from miles around, all milling around inside like sheep. Must be the painkillers I’m taking. I’m hallucinating while I’m awake.’

Isla laughed, handing Jess a cup. ‘He’s always been a good-looking boy. His father was, too. But that’s where the similarity ended – Sebastian’s always been quiet, thoughtful. His kindness was squashed by the old earl. It was no surprise to Craig and me when he took to his heels like he did to get away from his father. But it was always a shame it didn’t work out for his young Lordship with Catriona, the McAllisters’ girl.’

‘You told me he broke her heart,’ Vivi said, sliding her tea onto a side table, gaze fixed on Isla.

‘Well, yes. He did. But we’ve always maintained there was far more to that than met the eye. One day they were inseparable, the next Catriona had taken to her bedroom, and we hardly caught sight of the young lord again. I could count on the fingers of one hand how many times we’ve seen him in the village since then, and that was ten years or more ago, now.’

Vivi’s hawk-like gaze moved to Jess, and she could almost see the laser burn on the carpet as her aunt’s focus crossed the room. ‘Always the same, with the handsome ones. Which is why you should steer clear of him, Jess. Mark my words, it’ll end in trouble. I can tell …’

‘I wasn’t planning on doing anything other than my job while I’m at the castle, Vivi.’

‘Oh Jess, that’s an unfortunate choice of phrase, but I’m glad.’

Vivi picked at the edge of her slice of cake as Jess did her best to work out what she’d said, her cheeks colouring as she realised. Her aunt always managed to make something inappropriate spring from a sentence most other people would have allowed past without a second thought.

Vivi slipped a small piece of cake into her hand, lowering it until Digby snuffled it from her fingers. Jess couldn’t help but stare, mouth open.

‘Did I just see you give Digby a bit of cake?’ she said, aghast.

Vivi did her best to look innocent, but both she and Jess knew it had been a long time since she’d been anywhere close. She arched her eyebrows, the rest of her face looking unsure as to whether it should remain stern or break into a grin. The halfway result was quite terrifying.

‘Once in a while won’t hurt,’ Vivi said, picking up her teacup as Digby snorted and huffed over the crumbs.

‘Out of the three of the old earl’s children, I always liked the young lord the best,’ Isla said, oblivious to the cake debacle. ‘Wee Freya was very sweet, of course. But so quiet. Wouldn’t ever say boo to a goose, that one.’

‘Sebastian’s younger sister.’ Jess filled in the details for Vivi.

‘Married young and lives in Austria now, of all places. They have two wee boys, apparently. Can you imagine living in a foreign country? How she’s managed, I’ll never know. And Olivia is very like her father. Everyone thinks it.’

Isla pursed her lips tight, as though she was afraid if she loosened them, she would say something inappropriate. Jess kept her counsel, too, for the same reasons, taking shelter behind a mouthful of cake.

‘His Lordship, Sebastian, he’s had his problems, his ups and downs, but I think he’ll make an excellent job of looking after the estate. Craig thinks so, too. We’re so pleased he’s come home.’

Jess followed the mouthful of cake with a large sip of tea, finding it a challenge to look Isla in the eye. She wondered what they would make of Olivia’s challenge over Sebastian’s paternity, and didn’t want to inadvertently let slip that he was considering selling the castle. An uncomfortable prickle ran its way up her spine, and she did her best to smile as, to her relief, the conversation moved on to nursing, and she felt she was less likely to blunder in with an ill-timed comment.

Dee woke groggy and with a vicious headache. She’d slept badly since seeing Robbie and Jess together, the first night plagued with restless dreams. She’d resorted to a sleeping pill at some point the previous night and woke with no idea of what day it was, let alone what time. She kept those pills as a last resort – and seeing Jess and Robbie in such a tight clinch had been exactly that. Unable to shake their image, she’d needed oblivion. She’d got it, but now felt utterly disorientated.

She pulled herself from her bed and checked her watch, surprised by how much time the sleeping pill had robbed from her.

Although she felt dreadful – and looked it too, if the view in the mirror was in any way accurate – Dee did have a plan. The day she and Robbie had gone on their picnic – which now felt like a past lifetime even though it was only a handful of days ago – she’d managed to leave her favourite blue scarf in his cottage, and she wanted it back.

She also wanted to give Robbie her blessing. Not that he needed it; Dee had no hold over him, they were friends of sorts, nothing more. But as she’d finally slipped away into the abyss in the early hours of a morning now long gone, it had become important to Dee that Robbie should be happy. Whatever the consequences might be for her. She planned to test the ground, to find out if he would still countenance being her friend, and whether or not that would be acceptable to Jess.

She’d never let on, but there had always been more involved in her protecting Robbie than just looking out for a friend, and she supposed she should admit it to herself – even if nobody else ever knew. And she certainly didn’t want Robbie to know now.

It was time to face facts, though. Perhaps he would want her to back off, to let his fledgling feelings for Jess take proper root and grow unhindered. She needed to be prepared for that as a possibility.

Drawing back her curtains on the fully formed day, Dee pulled in a deep breath.

The ground outside was blanketed with snow. It looked so beautiful it jolted her. She loved snow. It was like a fresh start. A blank canvas. Nature was extremely good at bouncing back, at resetting and going again. The seasons passed with little regard for plant or animal failures. Whatever survived became stronger, and whatever didn’t … didn’t.

The wheel turned, regardless.

Perhaps Dee should take a leaf out of nature’s book. She stared at herself in the bathroom mirror, trying to feel the strength all the disappointments should have furnished her with. Her features crumpled, and she looked away as her eyes brimmed with tears.

Maybe strength was a hope too far. Maybe that would come. Maybe what Dee needed was to take life an inch at a time, discover her place in it. Alone. Stand on her own two feet for once, rather than propping herself up, or looking for shelter provided by another person.

After a while, Dee washed the tears away and applied a face pack which she hoped would take the puffiness out of her skin. Once she was dressed, with makeup carefully applied, she was ready to take the first step.

Robbie’s cottage stood silent in the snow; Dee’s footsteps were muffled as she made her way down the pathway between the box hedging. Even the dogs remained quiet when she reached the garden, although she could hear them snuffling around in their kennels. She almost turned and ran, but caught herself in time. She was almost fifty. Women of fifty didn’t need to turn and run from anything. She could do this.

The knocker rapped loudly, a Dickensian sound in the stillness of the snow, and as the door opened Dee was almost thrown off-kilter by Robbie’s welcoming smile. A smile which gained in intensity as he told her she looked wonderful and gestured for her to step inside.

His words were so far away from what Dee was expecting, they almost sounded as if they came from underwater. He was unaware she knew about Jess, that was the logical reason. The smile began to fade and she made no move to enter the cottage.

‘I don’t want to come in, Robbie,’ she said. ‘I’ve come for my scarf, nothing more.’

‘What do you mean? Come away in, Dee, don’t be standing out there in the snow.’

‘I think I left it on a coat peg. Could you find it for me?’

He turned, headed back into the warm glow of his kitchen, but made no move to fetch her scarf. Annoyed, Dee followed him inside.

‘Kettle’s on if you want a brew,’ he said, his voice level and calm.

‘I just want my scarf.’ Why was he being so obtuse? ‘I need my scarf, Robbie …’ Her voice cracked, frustration bubbling to the surface.

‘Talk to me, Dee. What’s the matter? What’s happened?’

He turned his back on the range, leaning against it as he studied her. She shook her head, then crumpled.

‘I saw you.’

‘Saw me?’ He looked mystified.

‘At the castle, with Jess. You looked so right together. I just wanted to wish the two of you all the best.’

He frowned, then amusement began to claim the corners of his lips. His expression was driving her to distraction. ‘Me and Jess?’

‘You were hugging. In the kitchen. After the problem at the shoot. Surely you remember?’

‘Oh, aye. I popped up to make sure she was OK. Felt like a right idiot because all I could think of to take as an apology gift was a tin of Aunt Kitty’s shortbread. She was still upset, so I gave her a hug. Why? Did you think the two of us were hugging hugging?’

‘Weren’t you? It looked like you were, and I just wanted to tell you I think it’s great and I wish you all the best, but I think I should just take my scarf and go, and we should forget about the whole “being friends” thing, because I’m not sure it’s right, if you and she are—’

‘Dee. Stop.’ The amusement was gone from his face and his voice. ‘Stop for a moment and listen to me. I think Jess is a great girl—’

‘She is. And I think you’ll be very happy—’

‘Dee, let me finish. She’s a great girl, but she’s not the girl for me. She never will be.’ He took a seat at the table, gesturing for her to do the same. Dee sank into another chair, her gaze never leaving his as he leant forward, his expression serious. ‘Why do you think I stayed here, in the middle of nowhere, batting away my mother’s demands for me to find a lovely wee lass to settle down with?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I wanted to find a better way to tell you than this, to show you how I really feel. After all this time, I wanted it to be special.’

‘Wanted what to be special?’ Even as Dee said it, the expression on his face had understanding flooding her with an emotion she’d been doing her best to suppress.

Reaching across, he brushed the very tips of her fingers with his, the action loaded with intent. ‘This. Because I’m banking everything on the hope that – finally – you will be able to see why I stayed.’

He interlaced his fingers with hers, tightening his grip.

‘You mean … Me? But you knew I could never offer you anything more than friendship.’

‘I did.’

‘And that was enough?’

He laughed. It was a warm rolling sound, but edged with bitterness. ‘No. Nowhere even close. But what would you have had me do? I could hardly say, “Excuse me, Your Lordship, but I don’t think you love your wife like you should. If you’d like to step aside, I think I could do a much finer job.”’

Dee squeezed at his fingers, wanting to acknowledge the enormity of what he’d said but not having the words.

‘I …’

‘You don’t have to say anything, Dee. I’ve tried to date other people over the years, but nobody’s ever made an impression on me. Because it’s always been you.’

‘Always?’

‘Always.’

‘But Robbie – so many wasted years? You never wanted to give up on me and find someone to have a family with? This choice you made to stay here. All that time. Are you sure it wasn’t a bad decision?’

The crinkles at either side of his eyes as he smiled were the deciding factor for Dee. Alongside his answer.

‘Falling in love is never a bad decision,’ he said.