Christmas at a Highland Castle

Chapter 34

Jess failed miserably to make polite small talk as she led Catriona through to the dining room. To make matters worse, when they got there everyone had glasses of champagne in their hands, toasting Olivia and Candida, and the levels of happiness and revelry had reached new highs. Jess didn’t even have to introduce Catriona to the room – her arrival caught everyone’s attention. Well, why wouldn’t it? She was stunning.

Jess’s mouth went dry as she watched Catriona smile at Sebastian and extend her arms to greet him.

‘You made it,’ he said, abandoning his glass and heading for her. He glanced at the assembled group. ‘I meant to say Catriona might be popping in to see us. It must have slipped my mind.’

Jess watched in silence as Catriona wrapped her arms around Sebastian, his limbs resisting only fleetingly before he reciprocated.

As Jess willed them apart, her fingers so tight around the back of the nearest chair she feared the wood might snap, jealousy spiked in a way she’d never felt before.

Even when they did draw apart, other family members piling in to welcome Catriona, Sebastian made no move to leave Catriona’s side.

Jess felt as though the floor had turned liquid, her mind’s eye painting the craziest of pictures. Perhaps it was the fact Olivia and Candida had just got engaged, and the talk had turned to weddings, but now Jess could see Sebastian and Catriona as they would have been if they’d never broken up all those years ago. The image was all in Jess’s head, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t still come true. A fairy-tale wedding in a Highland castle. A little girl with the same flaming hair and gorgeous green eyes as Catriona; a boy with his father’s dark, handsome looks and sensitive nature.

It made sense, if Jess thought about it. Who wouldn’t want him? Who in their right mind wouldn’t drop everything to get close to Sebastian? Right now, Catriona was probably in the process of remembering what she’d had, was already wishing it back again. And she might as well face it: you could tell, just by looking at Catriona, that she would have no problem fitting in at Kirkshield. The family seemed completely unperturbed at her unannounced arrival. While Dee seemed to have trouble spending time in the same room as Jess, she was chatting to Catriona with unusual animation.

Jess glanced across to where Vivi sat. She hadn’t budged from her seat at the table and was taking in the scene with her usual sharp perception. They caught one another’s gaze but Vivi gave little away. Jess sighed. Even her aunt could tell this woman – who Jess was viewing as an interloper, but everyone else was welcoming back into the fold – was far more likely to provide Sebastian with what he needed, going forward. She even had a solid foundation of a life spent in this very place. Jess couldn’t offer him that. She struggled with most of the attributes which Sebastian deserved. Stability. Commitment. It was clear Catriona had all that and so much more to offer.

Jess tried to breathe, tried to gain some perspective, waited for the greetings to die away. But when someone handed Catriona a glass of champagne, Jess shook her head. She couldn’t do this. Nobody noticed as she gathered up the rest of the dessert bowls and made for the kitchen. Everyone was too busy with their lives – their proper lives, the lives in which Jess was simply a visitor, here for a few weeks before she’d be away, off to somewhere new. Perhaps she shouldn’t wait to be pushed; perhaps she should get on with it and jump. Right now.

She dumped the bowls beside the dishwasher, taking up Digby’s lead and clipping it to his collar as she made for the door, only momentarily slowed by the realisation that snow was falling almost as heavily as rain had the day Digby got soaked. She should put his waterproof jacket on, and let Vivi know where she was going, but Jess couldn’t face going back into the dining room.

Jess had always considered herself a logical person. She’d grieved for and survived the realisation it was unlikely she would ever grace the stage again as a singer; she’d adapted and moved and flowed with life as best she could, had thought she was doing all right. Making the best of – no, making the most of the opportunities which came her way. But what on earth had she been thinking this time? How had she allowed herself to fall in love with Sebastian? With the whole of Kirkshield, in fact. What had possessed her? Had she really thought she would be enough for him? He was a fucking earl , for crying out loud. And who was she? A nobody, that was who, pretending she belonged here.

Maybe it would be better to pull the plug on the whole thing now, rather than to suffer the indignity of him doing it later. By the looks of the way he was hugging Catriona, Jess wondered how much later the ‘later’ might be. She’d been living in a bubble, and it was possible the bubble had just burst.

Jess set off, ignoring Digby’s protests at the snow. She stomped her way down towards the village and out beyond, taking a new direction along a track she’d never walked before. The symbolism seemed apt.

Sebastian couldn’t believe he’d forgotten to tell anyone – Jess especially – about Catriona’s call. He supposed it was a reflection on how focused he was on Jess, but there really was no excuse. Seeing Catriona again sent a flurry of different emotions through him, some of them difficult to navigate. He would be lying if he pretended otherwise.

And there was no doubting Catriona looked amazing. In the last decade she’d grown from a beautiful girl into a sensational woman, long-limbed and easy in her own skin.

‘You look well,’ she said. ‘It’s been far too long, Sebastian.’

‘It has. You’re looking wonderful, Catriona. And your partner – is he spending Christmas at Kirkshield, too?’

‘His shift patterns didn’t fit. I hate being away from him, but it’s been too long since I saw my parents. He’ll be here for Hogmanay, though. He’s going to ask my dad’s permission before he pops the question.’ She grinned. ‘Ridiculous, really. I told him nobody does any of that stuff anymore, but he’s determined to do it right. And I want the wedding to be here, in the village, so …’

As the rest of the family surrounded her, and someone passed her a glass of champagne, Sebastian took a step away, both physically and emotionally. Catriona was getting married. He couldn’t be anything but pleased for her.

Back then, they’d been playing at being grown-up, without any of the autonomy required to follow through. They were two teenagers unaware that their interactions would shape the trajectory of both their lives, unaware of the outside forces preparing to bear down on their fledgling emotions. Catriona, and what Sebastian had experienced as a result of their relationship, still sat at the very foundation of what made Sebastian the man he was. As did the reason for their break-up. At the time, the full horror of what his father had told him was enough to send Sebastian spiralling. That Henry had been having an affair with Kitty McAllister when Catriona had been conceived, and there was no way to tell for sure who was her true father, had left Sebastian panicked at the thought that he might have been sleeping with his own half-sister.

With hindsight, and with the knowledge of the poisonous lies his father had been feeding Olivia, Sebastian supposed the doubt over Catriona’s parentage could be nothing more than another web of deceit, spun to create discord and to ruin anyone else’s shot at happiness.

But as he joined in with the general conversation, the chatter about Catriona’s job in Aberdeen, the health of her parents, the state of the roads as winter closed in, Sebastian realised it was far too late to dive back into the cesspool of the past. And more than that, the past was just that. The past.

What would be gained by telling Catriona any of it now? He hadn’t been able to tell her back then, when it might have made a difference – when a more adult approach might have seen him approaching the McAllisters, having them reassure him, laying his fears to rest, giving him and Catriona their blessing. He wouldn’t have cared what his father thought, if that had happened. But instead, he’d panicked, the thought of destroying what Catriona knew about her life too much for him to bear. So, believing it to be the best decision for Catriona, he’d broken up with her, and had run away instead.

As he walked Catriona to the door, she studied him, her brow furrowing as she did so.

‘This has been good. I’m glad I called you.’

‘So am I,’ he said.

‘You’re beginning to turn it around, you know, in the village. Did anyone ever tell you what they used to call your father?’ When he shook his head, she said, ‘The ogre. They’ll never say it to your face, obviously.’

‘But you have.’

‘Yes, but I don’t consider myself to be a local any longer, not really. My life is in Aberdeen, and that suits me very well.’

‘I’m happy for you, Catriona. I never wanted anything but the best for you, I want you to know that. And I handled things so very badly, back then. I’m so sorry.’

‘I don’t think we would have worked, anyway. We were way too young to know what we really wanted, and now I’ve found it, with Greg, I can see that this—’ She waved a hand around to indicate their surroundings. ‘This would never have been right for me.’

‘I wasn’t sure it was right for me, either. But now …’ He wanted to tell her how he felt about Jess, how she’d made him feel about the castle, but he stopped short. He wanted to keep those emotions to himself, for now at least. ‘Well, suffice to say I’m going to do my best to set this place straight.’

‘Rather you than me,’ she said, her nose wrinkling as she grinned. ‘I’ll see you around the village over the next few days, I expect.’

Catriona took her leave and, as she headed away from the castle, Sebastian took shelter back inside the building, keen to find Jess. With no sign of anyone in the dining room, he made a circuit of the downstairs, eventually locating the rest of the family in the breakfast room, where they were watching the children take turns on the rocking horse.

‘Where’s Jess?’ he said, looking from one person to the next. Nobody seemed to have any idea, not even Vivi, who was watching him closely.

‘Maybe you should go and find her,’ she said, an edge to her voice he hadn’t heard before.

When he realised there was no sign of Digby either, Sebastian dialled Jess’s number, frowning as he stuck his unanswered mobile back into his pocket. Heading outside, he tried Robbie’s cottage, then trudged to the village, cursing his footwear as he slipped through the snow and wondering why Jess had walked so far when a simple leg-stretch would have been enough for the dog.

On the bridge, Sebastian shook the snow from his shoulders, shivered and looked around. He had a relatively good view from here, but he couldn’t see anyone, let alone Jess and Digby.

He tried to call Jess again, frustration morphing into concern when she still didn’t pick up. He checked his phone – there was a decent amount of signal, the call was ringing through, so why wasn’t she answering?

Not knowing what else to do, he messaged her, then stuck the phone back in his pocket. He was about to head back, maybe try his luck in the wood, or out towards the waterfall, when he thought he caught sight of something other than the muted landscape of greys and browns and snowy whites. Something right down by the autumn sheep pastures, where the ground dropped away steeply, and boulders hid the extent of the gradient. It was navy blue, and human-shaped. Waving with both arms high and outstretched.

It was Jess.

Sebastian took the most direct route, out past the tarmac road and down the farmer’s track. The frozen ground was rutted beneath his shoes, slowing his progress, while to either side ran strands of barbed wire pinned to wooden posts and dotted all along with tufts of dirty grey wool. He picked up the pace as best he could when the track turned to open ground. Jess waved until she was sure he had seen her, then she dropped to her knees, with her back to him – as though she was looking for something. Where was the dog? Was it Digby she was searching for?

The situation became all too clear as he drew close, and he sucked in a sharp breath.

‘What happened?’ he said, dropping onto his haunches beside her.

‘I don’t know. I suppose I should know better by now than to let him off the lead, but I wasn’t really thinking straight. One minute we were stomping along, and the next he sort of scrabbled in the snow and disappeared. It was like something out of a nightmare. And then I dropped my phone when I tried to call for help – it’s lost down there somewhere.’ She gestured to the thick covering of snow beyond the dog, disfigured by footprints and what looked like frantic, random digging. ‘I’ve looked, but I can’t find it, and I’ve tried to pull him out, but every time I pull he makes this terrible noise and I’m frightened I’m hurting him even more.’

The dog had managed to get himself wedged head-first between a couple of low boulders where the ground dropped away. He must have gone in like an arrow; his little body was utterly wedged in the gap, with his back feet protruding – the space tailor-made for a wayward cockapoo.

Without the snow, there wouldn’t have been a problem – both human and canine would have seen the boulders, and the hole between them, and would have avoided them accordingly. But hidden under a layer of ever-thickening snow, it was no wonder the little dog hadn’t noticed his footing, or lack of it, until it was too late, and had slipped into the gap.

Sebastian rounded the other side of the stones; the gap this side was even narrower than where Digby had fallen in. He could make out the dog’s face, glimpses of the panicked whites of his eyes, lips pulled back in a frightened snarl. ‘Hey little man. Don’t worry, you’re going to be all right.’

‘He’s totally wedged. I tried pulling at the boulders,’ Jess said, distress catching in every word. ‘But I can’t move them. I’m worried he can’t breathe properly.’

She was doing her best to hold it together, but he heard the sob as she said, ‘What if he dies? Vivi will never forgive me – she says she owes him her life; he wouldn’t let up barking after she fell and broke her hip, didn’t stop until the neighbours called the emergency services. He can’t die, Sebastian. He can’t …’

‘We need some help,’ he said. ‘I’ll call the farmer. He’ll be able to move these rocks.’ Sebastian hoped he sounded convincing, but the truth was it was perfectly possible that the parts of the rocks they could see were simply the tips of two enormous granite icebergs, and that, even with ropes and the pulling power of a tractor, the dog might remain stuck. He called the farmer, grateful when the man said he’d head straight out. And with Jess’s focus on calming the dog, Sebastian dialled her number and cleared snow to try to locate her phone. Eventually he heard it ring, celebrating a small victory when he pulled it free from the snow and handed it to her.

‘What possessed you to head out this way? I almost didn’t see you at all,’ he said.

‘I wanted to clear my head.’ Finally, she took her gaze away from the dog long enough for him to see something else in her expression, something other than the worry about Digby.

‘Why?’ he asked, confused when she gave a shake of her head, her sigh audible.

‘It’s fine – I just want to tell you I totally get it. We had fun, but there’s no way it’s ever going to be more than that between us. And that’s OK.’ Jess pulled in a breath, then quirked her lips up into a half-smile. ‘It’s not like this is the kind of place people like me actually live, is it? In fact, I’m kind of looking forward to going home. Getting my life back to normal. I just wanted a bit of time to get my head round it.’

She watched his expression, had chosen her words to try to make it easier for him, but he looked confused. She should have known the moment she began to lose control. The moment she realised she had relinquished power over her emotions to another person – to him – she should have taken it as her signal to run, like she normally did, rather than expecting things to work out. Because now she just felt stupid. Naive. Vulnerable, even. And Jess didn’t enjoy any of those feelings. They scared her. They made her want to run and hide. They reminded her of every failed relationship she’d ever had. With foster families, with men, with the other members of the band. The only person who hadn’t ever let her down was Vivi.

There was no way Jess could bear to live like this, feeling completely untethered, waiting for him to realise how transparent she was: weak like cardboard and with nothing of real worth to bring to the table.

‘But I thought we had something special. I don’t understand what’s changed, Jess,’ Sebastian said, reaching for her hand.

She shook her head, putting her hands in her pockets. ‘I’m never going to be enough for you,’ she said.

‘Why would you say that?’

‘Come on, Sebastian. Let’s be real for a moment. You’re the Earl of Kirkshield, for the love of God. And I’m Jess Wight, failed singer and nomadic housekeeper. You own an entire estate; I own an Ikea sofa and a complete set of the Horrible Histories books. You live in a castle; I live in a rented flat. We’re poles apart. And it’s only a matter of time before you work it out. You could have anyone , Sebastian. Anyone. You’re the most gorgeous, talented, gentle …’ She huffed as emotion threatened to take control of her voice. ‘You’re the most attractive man I’ve ever met, and the only way I could hold on to you would be by being the only woman left on the planet. If I’m being honest with myself, I know it’s true. And I saw the way Catriona looked at you, the way she hugged you. I saw it, even if you didn’t.’

There, she’d said it – all the things which had been tumbling around inside her head since she’d run from the castle. Usually she didn’t bother, she just kept running. But this time she felt she owed him this much.

‘No, you don’t understand …’

‘Yes, Sebastian. I do. Vivi said something about you looking at me in a particular way, in a way that made her believe you liked me – really liked me, I mean – but I’ve never seen you look at me the way you just looked at Catriona. It was as if the rest of the world evaporated.’ Jess huffed in exasperation. ‘And now I sound like a jealous idiot. It’s just that …’

‘No, you have to understand it’s not like that at all. Whatever you feel it was you saw, it wasn’t like that, and I need you to believe me. Catriona and I have history; I’m not going to deny it. And the way I ended things with her was rough. I handled it very badly, and I have a lot of work to do to make it up to her. But it doesn’t mean I still want her – not like that.’

‘Why not? She’s absolutely stunning.’

‘So are you, Jess. You’re the most beautiful person I think I’ve ever met. Mind-body-and-spirit beautiful.’ He frowned. ‘Please, Jess – please don’t leave. I don’t think I could bear it if you did.’

Neither of them had noticed the approaching tractor, but the low growling of its engine was becoming loud enough to catch her attention, giving her the distraction she needed to avoid having to respond to Sebastian.

The farmer, introduced as Hamish but clearly not wanting to waste any time on pleasantries, assessed Digby’s predicament and fetched slings and ropes from the tractor.

‘This mightnae work. I need Your Lordship to take your young hen away from here in case …’ The man frowned.

‘In case what?’ Her tone spiralled.

‘I cannae tell which way the rock will go, even if I can get it to move at all, that’s what I’m saying. Ye ken?’

Jess swallowed. If the rock went the wrong way, Digby would be pinched and squashed as the boulder moved. It was too horrible to consider, and she covered her mouth with both hands.

‘Will you do your best?’ Sebastian asked.

‘Aye, of course I will,’ Hamish said, gesturing for them to move away as he began to work out where he could attach slings and ropes to the outcrop.

Jess was torn between wanting to be with Digby and not being able to bear to watch. In the end she buried her face in her hands, pressing against Sebastian’s chest as Hamish hopped up into the driver’s seat and the tractor began to pull.

She listened as gears ground, felt Sebastian’s fingers tighten around her shoulders as the engine revved and roared. Behind all the mechanical noise she was sure she could hear Digby, crying out in pain. Or was it her own voice she could hear? Sebastian wrapped her up tighter as the noises continued, and for that she was grateful. And then, as abruptly as it had started, the tractor engine shut off, and everything went quiet.

Too quiet.

Jess peeled herself away from Sebastian, forcing her fingers apart so she could see what had happened. Even if it was bad, she was going to have to face it.

It took her a few moments to fully lower her hands, for the scene to settle in her brain. She’d been expecting to see Digby’s dead body ripped and ruined, blood and gore everywhere. Or maybe nothing – would that be worse, if nothing had changed, if the rocks were immovable and Digby was still trapped? Would the farmer suggest he could shoot the dog where he lay trapped, leaving Jess to explain the full horror of what had happened to Vivi, on Christmas Day, of all days?

Instead, the rock formation looked different, and Hamish was out of his tractor, peering into the gap he’d created. He lifted Digby up and onto the flat top of one of the boulders like he was a newborn lamb, checking the dog over for injury.

‘Is he OK?’ Jess asked.

‘You look none the worse for your adventure, do you, wee man?’ Hamish said, ruffling Digby’s fur. The dog huffed and puffed, as though he’d run a marathon, and Hamish took a step back. ‘He’s got some powerful breath, there, hasn’t he?’

Hamish’s comment was enough to have her laughing, as pure relief flooded through her system.

‘Give him an antler horn to chew – that’ll clean those teeth up in no time,’ Hamish said, then he gestured to the tractor. ‘I can only offer one of you a lift back. Afraid there’s only one spare seat in the cab.’ His gaze fell on Sebastian. ‘Your Lordship?’

‘No. I’ll walk. Will you take Jess and the dog up to the castle?’

‘Aye, of course I will.’

‘There’ll be a bottle of whisky behind the bar at The Old Goat for you, to say a proper thank you,’ Sebastian said.

With a smile, Hamish gathered up his equipment and Jess climbed aboard the tractor. It chugged its way across the frozen ground, its huge tyres making short work of the snow. Jess watched Sebastian in the side mirror, the glass jiggling up and down as he grew smaller and smaller, and further away. Jess smiled, then swallowed a sob as she buried her fingers in the dog’s soft fur. Her time at the castle had been unforgettable but, regardless of what Sebastian had said, she was surer than ever that leaving was the safest decision.