Christmas at a Highland Castle

Chapter 35

Back at the castle, Jess found Vivi resting quietly in the drawing room and closed the door to the rest of the house to keep the conversation private.

‘I’m sorry, Vivi – I need to tell you something. I need your help.’

Vivi frowned. ‘Well, that’s a dramatic opening line. You’ve been gone for ages – what happened? And where’s Sebastian got to?’

Jess shook her head. ‘He’s fine. He’s walking back. And Digby’s fine, too. Although that’s why I’ve been gone for so long. He had a bit of an accident, got stuck, but he’s OK now.’

As though to prove Jess’s words, Digby jumped his front legs onto Vivi’s chair, nudging at her hand with his muzzle.

‘Well, I think this needs further explanation at some point, but I’ll take your word for it right now. Because I thought your sudden disappearance might have had something to do with Catriona. Arriving unannounced on Christmas Day – a bit flamboyant, didn’t you think?’

‘I don’t know about that, but you know she and Sebastian used to be together. Vivi, I think they were very much in love. And I’m not convinced he isn’t still. He says not, but I saw the way he looked at her. I’m not stupid.’

‘Are you sure about that?’ Vivi’s eyebrows arched. ‘Sometimes I think you can be very stupid indeed.’

That caught Jess up short.

‘Don’t sit there with your mouth hanging open. I’m tired, Jess, and right now I think life’s too short for subtlety. What is it you think you need my help with?’

‘I think I made a mistake – with Sebastian. I think it’s only a matter of time before he realises I’m me, and I’m not at all special. And once he does? I think I should cut and run now, before he works out he could do so much better, and one of us gets seriously hurt.’

Vivi gave an exasperated sigh, then climbed to her feet. ‘Very well. So, you want me to help you pack?’

‘What?’

‘Well, if you’ve made your mind up, who am I to argue? I’m sure Amina can find them someone else to replace you as housekeeper.’

Jess frowned. ‘But I …’

‘No. I know what you’re like, Jess. If you’ve made up your mind, I’m not going to try to change it. But just for the record? I’ve always found life to be nothing but a series of mistakes,’ Vivi said, folding her arms. ‘Some of them reveal themselves immediately, like my not checking my footing when I fell down the stairs and messed up my hip. And sometimes they’re uncovered in slow motion – like electing the wrong political party into government. Some mistakes are so tiny we never even notice them, some so huge they swamp everything. Maybe you are making a mistake, but are you sure the mistake isn’t deciding to run this time?’

‘But how are you supposed to know ?’ Jess said, exasperated by her aunt’s words.

Vivi stifled a laugh. ‘That’s the whole point. You don’t. On my wedding day, I was convinced I was making the worst mistake of my life. I only went through with it because we’d hired the dress and the pub had made the sandwiches. As it turned out, it was a mistake which lasted twenty-five years and only ended because the bugger died on me. And I don’t mean literally on me, à la the previous earl, before you forget your anguish and go all sarcastic on me.’

‘But you loved Trevor.’

‘Yes. Very much. Didn’t make deciding to throw my lot in with him and give up my freedom any less daunting. And throughout our marriage we made plenty of mistakes; plenty of decisions went awry. On the grand stage of life, sooner or later, everything we decide to do is called into question. Because nothing suits us perfectly forever – everything becomes something we consider as a possible error, sooner or later. The real question is not “have I made a mistake”, but rather “is this mistake big enough to make me change direction or am I staying put and seeing it through”.’

‘What are you saying?’

Vivi rolled her eyes. ‘Can I be any clearer? I’m saying don’t run away on the off chance something might not work out perfectly. Because if everyone did that, nothing would ever happen. I understand why, Jess. I know you’ve put a brave face on so many aspects of your life already, but don’t throw this away on a maybe. Because if you’re looking to share your life with someone who is never going to get anything wrong, you’ll be a long time looking. Point out to me a man who has never said or done the wrong thing, and I’ll point out that he’s probably stood at the end of a rainbow, with his feet in a pot of gold. They don’t exist.’

‘Are you saying I should stay?’

‘Dear Lord, Jess. What I’m saying is you need to decide what you want and be prepared to fight for it.’

Vivi made for the door.

‘Where are you going?’ Jess asked, her voice laden with indecision.

‘I thought you wanted to pack.’

Dee was amazed Jess thought closing the door to the drawing room would keep her conversation private. The gaps underneath these old doors, fashioned to make them pass seamlessly over rugs or floor runners, also left room for sound to travel. Not that Dee wanted to listen in to the conversation, but she’d been about to turn the handle when she’d heard the loud and very enunciated words of Jess’s aunt.

And a phrase stuck with Dee, as she listened.

You need to decide what you want and be prepared to fight for it.

Rather than waiting for Robbie to come to her, perhaps Dee should seize the initiative and fight for what she wanted, just as Vivi was suggesting Jess should do.

But first she needed to clear the air with Jess. She took hold of the door handle, pushing wide the door. Jess and her aunt stood either side of a wing-back chair, Vivi resting a hand against it. The older woman looked exhausted – unsurprising, Dee thought, as Freya’s boys had found Vivi excellent company once they’d finished their Grand National on the rocking horse and had demanded she play fighter jets with them.

‘Ah, Jess – just who I was looking for,’ Dee said. ‘I wanted to say I might have been a little brusque with you, earlier. I find myself struggling to adjust, and to be honest, seeing you with my son—’

Jess frowned, stepping forward. ‘I never meant to upset you – that’s absolutely the last thing I wanted. But I care very deeply for your son. I’ve tried not to, but I do. And I don’t know if it’s the right thing to feel or not, but I can’t help it. And this place – I think Kirkshield is magical, too. I find myself wanting to fight for it just as much as Sebastian does. I hope you don’t think me presumptuous, saying that …’

Dee smiled, then shook her head. ‘No. I felt exactly the same way when I arrived here, Jess. Under rather different circumstances, obviously – but I’m certain that means the rest of your time here won’t mirror mine, either. My son continues to prove he is nothing like his father was, and I apologise for my reaction – seeing you together, it hit a raw nerve, took me back to my late husband’s behaviour. And that’s not fair on you. I’m so tired of living in the past, and I just want to say that only a fool wouldn’t be able to see how happy you’re making Sebastian.’

‘I told him I thought I’d made a mistake, with him.’ Jess sounded forlorn. ‘I’ve messed everything up.’

‘I wonder if you and I aren’t rather alike in some ways. I’ve been known to throw away the good things, too. The things which really matter. Tell him how you really feel. He won’t disappoint, I feel certain of that.’

‘Who won’t disappoint?’ Sebastian said, striding into the room, his gaze fixed on Jess.

Dee stepped away from Jess, to allow Sebastian to draw close to her.

‘I’ll let you take it from here, Jess,’ she said, smiling as she rested a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, squeezing hard. Then she headed for the door. ‘Never mind sorting the pair of you out, I have someone I very much need to work things out with, too. Someone who deserves far better than I’ve shown him so far.’