Christmas Home (The Coming Home #6)

45. Ruther

forty-five

Ruther

I laughed as Jennifer Cole teased her husband, Jesse, and again admired what a long-term loving relationship actually looked like. Lance and Jake had come down a moment earlier, and Jake was cooking what I assumed was an egg dish from the way it smelled.

Jen, as she’d instructed me to call her, wasn’t home very often, on account of her modeling career. I’d met her several times at New York parties, but we’d never really spoken. It was still surprising that such a famous model had grown up here and was now my landlord.

“Where’s that handsome man my stepmother can’t stop talking about?” Jennifer asked as soon as I stepped in.

“He’s at his apartment,” I said, almost commenting on her assumption that he’d spent the night with me. Then I figured she and the rest of the town must think we were shacking up, considering I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off him in public or private.

“Well, invite him over,” she said and turned.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

“Wait, you can’t just text him?” she asked.

I swallowed hard, not wanting to admit I didn’t have his number, nor did I want to lie. “No, he doesn’t—”

“You don’t have his number,” she said. I shook my head. “Well, never mind, I’ll call my stepmother.”

I didn’t want to look at anyone. How embarrassing was it that we were practically in a relationship, or actually were in one without a label, and something as simple as exchanging phone numbers hadn’t happened?

I laughed a few moments later when Mrs. Cole blocked Jen from bothering Clyde. “It’s not like I’m going to stalk him,” Jen said. “I just wanted to invite him over for breakfast.”

She listened to whatever her stepmother had said, then laughed. “Maybe, but it’s not fair. You won’t make those special for me, and no, I don’t want you to teach me how to make them myself.”

She listened for another minute, looking amused, then said goodbye and hung up. “Seems you aren’t the only one who won’t be getting his number, Ruther, but she said she’d text him and let him know we want him over here and with his cinnamon rolls. Which,” she said, looking at me accusingly, “you didn’t tell me he had.”

I laughed. “One must keep one’s secrets, and if you must know, I was saving that bit of information for my own selfish reasons.”

“And mine,” Corey said behind her. He’d crashed at my place after he and Solace spent too much time walking around after the performance—enjoying the lights, Corey had said.

I had a feeling there was a lot more to it than simply admiring decorations, but I was thankful Corey hadn’t pried into my relationship with Clyde, so I figured I should return the favor and mind my own business.

Jake had just flipped a beautiful frittata onto a plate when there was a knock on Jen and Jesse’s door. Jen got up to answer, and I heard Clyde’s voice. “Um, Mrs. Cole asked me to bring these over for you all.”

“Oh, and for you. There’s also someone here who will want you more than those rolls, I’m sure,” she said, leading Clyde into the room. His face lit up with a smile when he saw me.

“I wondered why Mrs. Cole was reneging on her offer for the leftover rolls. I should’ve known it was because you sweet-talked her,” he said, looking at me.

I put my hands up in surrender, then got up and kissed him. “Jen did the sweet-talking. I’m just enjoying the results.”

“Like I believe that,” he said, then looked over at the crowd of people. “She didn’t tell me there was a party, or I might’ve brought the other rolls I kept back for me and…well, me.”

The group laughed. I could tell by Jen’s expression that she wanted to ask Clyde questions about protecting his phone number, but she let it drop. When Jake announced it was time to eat, we all went to the table with our after-Thanksgiving treats, which included leftover pumpkin pie, the cinnamon rolls from Clyde, Jake’s Frittata, and various other desserts I was convincing myself to ignore.

Jen was hilarious. She lightly teased Corey about fancying Solace, then spent the next few minutes telling him about all her escapades with the man over the years.

Clyde sat silently as the spontaneous party spread across the room. I don’t think he knew what to do, and I felt bad for him being thrust into a situation he wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t know if he did, but I felt the poor guy needed rescuing.

“Well, if you’ll excuse us,” I said, standing up. “I’m going to pull this one away, and we’re going to go on a drive through the countryside if he agrees to accompany me.”

Clyde immediately looked relieved I was providing an escape, then quizzical about the car ride. He didn’t ask me anything about it, though, on the short walk to my condo.

As soon as we were inside and I closed the door, I asked if he was okay.

“I…” he started in a whisper like they could hear us through the floor. “I don’t know how to be around famous people and doctors. Y’all are too fancy for me.”

“That’s bull. You know Jen asked about you immediately when Corey and I showed up at their door. Said Mrs. Cole couldn’t stop talking about you. You fit in with them as much as I do. We’re all just people.”

Clyde looked perplexed, then sat down on the sofa. “No, I’m a redneck who’s never had two pennies to rub together, and ya’ll are rich. Plus, you’re…well, you’re you, and there’s Corey, and…a famous model who’s married to a doctor, and Jake runs around with movie stars and country singers, and Lance designs incredible buildings all over. I…you know I’ll never fit in, right?”

When he hiccupped back tears, I rushed over and knelt on the floor in front of him. “Sweetheart, what’s really going on?”

“Why me? Why do you really wanna go out with me? Is this just you slummin’ with the locals? I ain’t nothin’ special, Ruther. I ain’t never learned to use fancy silverware or which spoons and forks to use. I buy all my clothes at the thrift store ’cause I can’t even afford Walmart. So? Tell me why. What do you see in me?”

Big tears fell from his eyes, and my heart beat faster, knowing if I didn’t say the right thing, I could lose him here and now.

“Listen to me, Clyde. You have overwhelmed my senses. Not only are you one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen, but you’re just as beautiful on the inside. You’re so strong, you chase off my monsters. You help me feel complete.”

It was my turn to get emotional, and I rocked back on my feet. “I came to Crawford City to face demons that plagued me all my life. Did you know it’s going to be thirty years this year? Thirty years ago, Christmas night. Just admitting that six months ago would’ve sent me into a blind panic. Do you not see it’s you that’s made the difference?” I asked, standing up and walking toward the window to stare out. “I get you’ve got some identity issues around Jen Cole. Hell, we all do. But, Clyde, don’t you ever think you are less than anyone, especially anyone in this town. Everyone here loves you. They have since you first arrived. In fact, I’m the outsider here, and I know if I ever did anything they thought was out of bounds around you, they’d rally behind you and kick my ass to the curb.”

I thought that’d make him smile, but instead, he sat still, tears streaming from his face. “Why me, though?”

I sat down next to him. “I don’t know, Clyde. My attraction for you is so strong, I struggle to keep my hands off you. But also, being around you makes me feel so safe. Maybe because you’ve seen the dark side of life and lived through it? All I know is you mean more to me than I know how to explain.”

“What happens if I let you in, if we get serious, and then your fancy New York friends, or your relatives, see me as the white trash I am. What happens then? You’ll be embarrassed by me.”

He stood and walked toward the door.

“I will never be embarrassed by you, Clyde. Even if I gave a shit about what people in New York thought, I’m not going back there. I sold everything, even my family’s brownstone that my great-grandfather bought. I sold it all. I’m all-in here, in Crawford City. I’m all-in when it comes to you.”

He stared at me, and I bit back a comment about him not trusting me enough to give me his phone number. This wasn’t the time for that conversation. Even if it hurt more than I could say that he didn’t trust me with it, or apparently didn’t trust me not to dump him over some theoretical snooty people I didn’t even associate with.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Ruther. I think I’m still too messed up, and I’m not strong enough to deal with you when you dump me or look at me like I’m trash. I-I’m gonna go.”

“Wait, Clyde, wait. Let’s talk about it.”

Unfortunately, the door closed behind him. I wanted to run after him, but damn, I knew he’d run harder if I did. He clearly needed space, and even if it killed me, I wouldn’t be like the assholes he’d dated before.

I went to my room, collapsed on the bed, and let my tears flow. Fuck my background for coming between Clyde and me. I wish Mrs. Cole had mentioned it was a party. I wish he’d trusted me with his number so I could’ve warned him, given him the chance to say no.

Instead, we were back to him wanting to run away from me, just like he’d fucking done in the summer. The hell with that. I got up, wiped the tears away, and sat at my computer. Sometimes old-school worked better than new.

I sighed and shook my head as I began typing a letter so it would be easy for him to read. My handwriting sucked.

Dear Clyde,

I don’t know how to tell you how much it hurts me that you still don’t feel like you can trust me. I know from what you’ve told me about your past that relationships are hard. I get that learning to trust again isn’t easy.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to step aside so you can be yourself without a relationship. Although accepting that scares me and makes me want to yell and flail my arms around like a child having a fit.

Despite that, if you need it, I will give you space.

I’m going to Nashville for a few days to give you that space. I care about you more than anyone I’ve ever cared about before.

I deleted the sentence I wrote about loving him. Neither of us were ready for me to go there yet, but care about, yes. I could admit that much.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for the long-term, and if my wanting more from you is too much, then we can be friends. I’d rather spend the rest of my life with you as a friend than lose you over pushing for more than you’re ready to give.

With all my heart,

Ruther

I sent the letter to the portable printer Corey had installed in the condo, then found an envelope in his stash of office supplies.

I wrote Clyde’s name on it, and when Corey returned from the party, I asked him to deliver the note after I left town.

“You’re leaving?” he asked.

I nodded. “I-I don’t know what to tell you, Corey. I know the man needs space, and I can’t keep up with the hot and cold, so yeah, I’m going to stay at a hotel for a while and spend some time touring Nashville. Text me when you get back to town, and we’ll get together for dinner.”

“Or you can just stay at my place,” he said, grabbing his key ring from his pocket and handing me the key. “I meant to give you a key anyway. You’ll be more comfortable there than in a hotel. I’ll see you tomorrow. Unless you need me now, I’m going to stay another night. I’ve been invited over—”

He paused, and I knew it was because of where he was going.

“You and Solace?” I asked to take the pressure off, and he smiled.

“Yeah, but I’ll be back tomorrow. What happened with you and Clyde? You both seemed okay.”

I sighed and shook my head. “He doesn’t think he belongs with the likes of me. He thinks I’ll eventually look down on him because he’s not famous or rich or whatever, I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed by the drama of it all. It’s not like I don’t have my own shit to deal with,” I admitted.

Corey put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m guessing maybe you need to let him in, let him see the real you, Ruther. No offense, but you can be a bit intimidating with your cool demeanor. And to be honest, I thought you looked down on me for years, until I got to know you.”

That took me aback. “What? I never did anything like that.”

Corey laughed. “You didn’t, no, but…you’re aloof, and your father, if nothing else, taught you to put on an air of confidence, which sometimes feels like arrogance. I know it’s not. I know you, Ruther, and know your heart is big, often too big for your own good. It’s one of the reasons I’d walk barefoot through glass for you, or more accurately, move to the middle of nowhere.”

“What do you think I should do? Tell him I’m a fucking mess and that he’d be better off running away and never looking back?”

“No, that’s the opposite of what I’m telling you. You should tell him you’re human, that you’ve got as many flaws as anyone, and that you love him. Have you told him that?”

I paused, thinking of the letter and how I’d deleted that admission. “He’s not ready for that or all my bullshit. Thanks, Corey, for letting me stay with you, and I’ll think about what you said, but please don’t forget to deliver that,” I said and pointed at the letter.

I was pleased I could stay at his place instead of a hotel. Corey was a real friend, and now we were working together as equal partners, that’d only begun to solidify even more. He knew me better than anyone.

I picked up my bag and stuff I needed for the time I was going to be away and headed out before Corey could give me any more advice.

As I drove past the café, I glanced up at Clyde’s apartment, only slightly disappointed I didn’t see him in the window. It didn’t matter. I was going to need to define this as much as he was because now that I’d written the letter, now that I was giving myself some time too, I realized I needed clarity as much as he needed space.

If it wasn’t our time to be lovers, so be it. But rejection stung, and although I don’t think he’d figured it out yet, his fear that I might reject him had certainly led to him rejecting me. I wasn’t without my own demons, and I’d come to Crawford City to heal myself, not create fresh wounds.

So, I needed to figure out my boundaries and set those into place before things went much further. That scared me because I didn’t want to lose a chance to love Clyde. The fact was, I’d come too far to throw everything away just because he saw me as one of the monsters of his past.

He’d once said I wasn’t a monster, but his actions certainly said something else.