Christmas With My Ex (Stuck For the Holidays)

12. Nicholas

TWELVE

Nicholas

Have a holly jolly Christmas / It’s the best time of the year.

2:11 pm

The second I see her walk away, my stomach drops. I don’t even have time to explain, to try and make her understand. She’s gone, storming out of the bar, and all I can do is sit here, frozen.

How am I going to fix this?

“Shit,” I mutter under my breath, barely aware that Benjy’s still talking. He doesn’t realize what just happened, what bomb he’s just dropped on her. But I do. I know how she thinks.

I need to find her. Now.

"Dude, I'm so sorry to cut you off, but I need to go make sure she is okay. Merry Christmas."

Without waiting for a response, I’m out the door, pushing past the crowd of smokers out front. My heart races as I survey the throng of people gathered, looking for her face. The cold hits me like a slap in the face as I crane my neck left and then right, but she's nowhere to be seen.

I scour the streets, looking for any sign of her. Nothing.

It’s snowing again, the wind picking up, and it’s hard to see more than a few feet in front of me. She can’t have gotten far, not with her leg like that, but I have no idea where she’s headed.

Or did she go back in the bar and I missed her? Maybe I'm overreacting. I run back in to look around and close my tab. She's definitely not anywhere in here.

The hotel. That’s the only place that makes sense. I start moving, almost jogging through the snow, hoping I’m right.

My mind is spinning, replaying everything in my head. I can't imagine how it must feel to know I was there with her after Benjy found her. I didn't speak up, I just stayed back and let him take control.

And then, after we were reunited, I should have told her then. But I was worried she would react like this, so I stupidly chose not to. And now it is ten times worse.

God, how could I have let this happen? Why didn’t I just tell her? I had so many chances to say something, to be honest with her, and now it’s blown up in my face.

And hers.

I push harder through the snow, my breath coming in sharp bursts. I should’ve known this would come back to bite me. Keeping secrets always does.

I’m almost at the resort when I see her. Hobbling on her crutches, head down, the snow swirling around her as she makes her way inside.

“Rives!” I call out, but she doesn’t stop. She doesn’t even look back.

I break into a run, my boots crunching against the fresh snow, the cold biting at my face. By the time I reach the door, she’s already inside, her crutches tapping against the stone floor of the lobby. I follow her in, the warmth of the hotel washing over me, but it does nothing to ease the chill settling in my chest.

“Rives,” I call again, more desperate this time. "Please, let me explain."

She stops, but she doesn’t turn around. Her shoulders are tense, her posture rigid, and I know she’s trying to hold it together.

I close the distance between us, my heart hammering in my chest. “I'm sorry you had to find out like that,” I say, my voice low but urgent. “I want to tell you why.”

Slowly, she turns, and when I see her face, it feels like someone’s punched me in the gut. Her eyes are red, her jaw clenched, and I can tell she’s barely holding back the tears. The anger is there too—burning just beneath the surface.

“You lied to me,” she says, her voice shaky but sharp. “You sat there, pretending like you didn’t know. Like we were just reconnecting. But all along, you knew. You saw me fall, you saw everything, and you didn’t say a word.”

Well, to be clear, I didn't actually see her fall. But that's just semantics and she most likely wouldn't appreciate that distinction at this juncture.

I step closer, feeling the weight of her words hit me hard. “I didn’t know how to tell you,” I admit, my throat tight. “I didn’t want to make things worse. You were already in so much pain, and I worried if you knew it was me there it would make it worse for you. I thought you hated me and it would be best for me to just disappear.”

She cuts me off, her voice rising. “You thought if you said something, what? That I somehow would be worse off than I was?"

"Yeah, actually, that is exactly what I thought."

"So, then why did you even bother speaking at the bar later that day? Didn't you think I would be better off if you hadn't?"

"I'm not going to lie, I considered that. But when it looked like you were alone and having a pretty shitty day, both of us stranded here, I figured I would speak and see how it went."

"You've got all the answers, don't you? Did you feel like a fraud when you asked me how I hurt my leg? How will you explain that one?"

"It killed me. But at that point, I had to decide if I would blow up our possibility to make amends before it even had a chance, or if I would keep it to myself. I realize now I made the wrong choice and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

"Did you think keeping up your ruse wouldn't matter? Because it does matter, Nicholas. It matters that you lied. You made me feel like I could trust you, like we were starting over, and the whole time, you were hiding this.”

“I didn’t want to lie,” I say, my voice breaking. “I just... I didn’t want to mess this up. I didn’t want to lose whatever this is between us. When I saw you, after my initial shock, I so desperately wanted to somehow smooth over how we left things.”

She shakes her head, her eyes flashing with anger. “Whatever this is? Do you even know what this is? Because right now, it feels like a game to you. Like you’re just filling your time with me because we are both stuck here.”

I reach out, but she pulls back, her crutches making an awkward, sharp sound against the floor. The distance between us feels insurmountable, and I don’t know how to fix this.

“It’s not a game,” I say quietly, the words coming out more desperate than I intended. “I care about you, Rives. I never stopped.”

She stares at me for a long moment, her chest rising and falling as she tries to control her emotions. But I can see the hurt in her eyes. I'm well aware that I've destroyed any trust we were starting to rebuild.

“I need some space,” she says, her voice raw. “I don't want to see your face.”

I nod, even though the thought of leaving her alone right now kills me. But I can’t push her. Not after this.

“Okay,” I say softly. “But I’m not giving up. I need you to know that.”

She doesn’t respond. She just turns and hobbles toward the elevator, leaving me standing in the middle of the lobby, watching as she disappears from view.

2:59 pm

I sit down in one of the oversized armchairs in the hotel lobby, my head spinning from everything that just happened. I feel like I’ve messed up more in the last hour than I have in years. Rives storming off, the look of hurt in her eyes, it’s hard to shake.

And like I told her, I'm not giving up again, this time like I did before. I will give her some time right now, but I will make sure she knows that this isn't a game. I have every intention of trying harder to convince her this time.

I pull out my phone, realizing I haven't talked to my son yet today. I scroll through my contacts until I land on Bev's name. It’s Christmas Eve, and if there’s one thing that might ground me right now, it’s hearing his voice.

The phone rings twice before his happy face pops on the screen and I hear the excited squeal on the other end. “Hi, Daddy!”

I can’t help but smile. “Hey, buddy! How’s my guy doing? I miss you so much.”

“So good!” Nicky’s voice is full of that boundless Christmas excitement only a six-year-old can have. “We’re at Billy’s mom's house, and they have so many lights outside!"

Fucking Billy, Bev's douchebag boyfriend, who took my boy away for Christmas. I'll never like that guy.

"How fun. Do you love it there?"

"Yes! There’s a big snowman, and reindeer, and a huge Santa on the roof!”

I chuckle, trying to make sense of the over-the-top display he is showing me. “Looks like Santa’s workshop came to Charleston.”

“Yeah!” Nicky’s breathless, like he’s running around to everything he wants to show off while talking to me. “And we made cookies. I got to eat one with sprinkles, and tonight we’re gonna leave some for Santa. We’re putting out carrots for the reindeer, too!”

I lean back in the chair, letting his energy wash over me. “That sounds like a perfect Christmas Eve, buddy. Did you help make the cookies?”

A lump forms in my throat. How I wish I would be doing all of this with him, not these strangers in a foreign city.

“Uh-huh! I helped with the sprinkles, and I put the cookies on the tray. Mom said I’m the best cookie-maker.” He’s so proud, and I can hear the joy in his voice.

“That’s because you are the best cookie-maker,” I say, smiling. “You gonna bring one home for me? You know I love cookies”

There’s a pause, and then he giggles. “If you were here, Daddy! I'm not sure I can not eat them all before I go home. But I'll make some new ones for you when I see you, okay?”

“Good man,” I say softly, though the sting of not being there hits harder than I expected. It’s the first Christmas Eve I’m not spending with him, and hearing him so happy, while I’m here, far away, twists something inside me.

Before I can say anything else, I hear a familiar voice on the line. “Hey, Nick,” Bev says, her tone neutral, maybe a little tired.

“Bev,” I reply, trying to push past the awkwardness that always seems to creep in. “Just wanted to check in and wish Nicky a Merry Christmas Eve. Sounds like he is having a great time.”

“Of course. He’s been bouncing off the walls all day.” She laughs lightly, as she tries to wrangle Nicky and keep the holiday chaos under control. “We’re having dinner with Billy's family tonight. It’s been busy, to say the least.”

Something in her voice makes me wonder if going there instead of being home isn't all it's cracked up to be.

“I bet,” I say, not really knowing what else to add. I’ve never had an issue with Billy, her boyfriend. He’s a decent guy, and he’s good with Nicky. Still, we will never be friends, especially when he flexes and takes my son away during times like these.

“How’s your trip?” Bev asks, her voice cutting through my thoughts.

“It’s fine,” I say, though my mind flashes to Rives and the disaster that’s been today. “Just a little different than I expected. We are essentially snowed in, although we do have access to a few places around town. The mountain is closed because of avalanche concerns.”

There’s a pause, and I can hear Nicky in the background even though he is no longer on with us, laughing about something. Bev clears her throat. “Well, I’ll let you get back to it. I’ll have him call you in the morning when he wakes up to Santa.”

“Thanks,” I say, my heart tightening. “And, Merry Christmas, Bev.”

“You too, Nick.”

We hang up, and I sit there for a moment, staring at my phone. The conversation with Nicky helped, but now I feel even more torn.

Hearing my son’s joy about Christmas should’ve been enough to keep my mind off everything else, but it isn’t. My thoughts drift back to Rives and my betrayal, to the look of mistrust in her eyes.