Clonely You (Sunrise Cantina #2)

Chapter 11

CHAPTER

ELEVEN

MICHAELA

The day after my tantrum, I feel silly. Why did I think no one else would decide to have a dairy farm? Why do I care so much? It’s a big planet, and I’m sure there’s enough room for all of us here. Aithar’s suggestion to go and talk with the woman running the milk business makes sense. I’m sure we can come up with something mutually beneficial where we both make money.

Aithar.

He’s so darn sweet and thoughtful that I’m craving him worse than I’ve craved foods from home. I rolled over in bed this morning, reaching for him, and was disappointed he wasn’t there. Thing is, he’s never slept over. I’ve never asked, and he’s never pressed the issue. When he said he was going to let me set the pace, he absolutely meant it. He’s never pushed me for more than I can give. He’s been supportive and enthusiastic and let me set all the boundaries.

Yesterday was different, though. Yesterday, I didn’t hold him at arm’s length. Yesterday, he let me cry my silly frustrations on his shoulder without judging my reaction. Or rather, my overreaction . He snuggled me for hours and reassured me and made me tea and dinner. We talked through the situation and never once did he make me feel ridiculous for my reaction.

And it was…really nice. I like that we can spend time together and it doesn’t have to be about sex. Or butter. It can just be about us being close. It can be about us talking.

I haven’t wanted anything like that in so long that wanting it now scares me a little. Haven’t I joked for the last month that I’m using Aithar for sex? And now I’m the one that’s getting all kinds of terrifying feelings. But as long as things stay where they are, I think I’ll be okay.

We can keep on going as we are and I’ll be quite content.

When Aithar comes over that evening, I greet him with a confident smile and a kiss. “Sorry about last night. I wasn’t myself. I’m feeling better today.”

“We’re going to burn down her barn after all? You strike me as a barn-burning type.” He grins to take the sting out of his words even as he sets down the container of food he brought for me. “I will make no judgments if you have changed your mind. Simply tell me what flammables to bring along in the air-sled.”

“No barn-burning,” I say, poking him in his cute nose for the teasing. “I’m going to take your advice and talk to her. Tomorrow, or the day after.”

He gestures at the door he just came through. “We could go tonight?—”

“No,” I say, maybe a little too sharply. “I’ll do it. I want to think of what I’m going to say first, and how to approach it.”

Aithar nods and leans against the counter, studying me. “However you wish to proceed. You know I’m always on your side.”

“I know. I’m trying to figure out how to handle the situation mentally, that’s all. I want to be clear on it before I proceed.” I move to his side and rub his arm, gazing up at him. He doesn’t need to know that I’m stalling because I need to get myself okay with the fact that this part of my life could be changing, and that’s the portion I’m struggling with. “I’ll handle it. It’ll be fine.”

“Well, I have something that should make you smile.”

“Oh?”

“I have news. Big news.”

Something about his tone makes me anxious. “What sort of big news?”

“I have contacted a bounty hunter. I have spoken with Zebah—her base is Three Nebulas Station and it’s a very busy hub. Normally I’d ask her to get us in contact with someone else, but Zebah says she is between jobs and can take this one. She will look for your sister. Just say the word.”

I stare at him in shock.

I feel…not happy. Betrayed. “I said not yet.”

I’m not ready. I need more money. I need to have my business firmly established and not on shaky ground. I need to fix up my house. Get a room ready for her. I need to not be fooling around with a guy that looks just like her kidnapper?—

Aithar’s smile wavers slightly, and I can tell my terse reaction has hurt his feelings. “I know you have been protecting me from the teasing of my friends, but I assure you that it is no longer necessary. Your kindness shouldn’t prevent you from rescuing your sister.”

He thinks I’m still protecting him.

Not that I’m a giant asshole that’s been putting things off. His innocent reaction just makes me feel worse. So much fucking worse. Because I’m a monster, right? I could have contacted a bounty hunter at any point this last month and told them what I need. Aithar would have helped me. Instead, I’ve been playing around with an alien man and making butter as if I don’t have a care in the world. It’s a month that we could have already been looking for her. I should be glad he’s taken the initiative.

Instead, I’m so resentful I could scream.

Aithar’s expression falls. “You are not happy.”

“I told you I’d let you know when I was ready,” I say, voice tight. I can feel my muscles tensing, and I cross my arms under my breasts, every portion of my body quivering with rage and frustration. “It wasn’t me protecting you.”

He flinches. “I see. I misread the situation.”

“You did. You should have asked me before you jumped ahead on things. You think I can rescue my sister right now?” I gesture frantically around at my tiny house. “Where’s she going to stay? The cupboard? Where will she sleep? The pantry? My house isn’t ready. And I need to have some savings built up! I have some money, but what if getting her wipes it all out? What if this other farmer takes over my business and I can’t feed the two of us? What happens then?”

He’s silent.

The understanding look in his eyes bothers me. “And we’re a problem, too. You and me.” I gesture frantically between us. “You think my sister’s going to be happy that I’m fooling around with a guy that looks just like her captor? You think she’ll understand that I’m just using you for sex? Or do you think she’ll think I’m betraying her, too?”

My lungs heave and I’m not screaming, but I feel out of breath and panicked all the same. Like everything is falling down around me.

Aithar watches me and gently says, “I think you are worried over the wrong things, my heart. Your house might be small, but I think your sister would rather be here than a slave.”

He’s right. Of course he’s right. Sleeping on the floor in a safe space is far preferable to being a slave. I want him to yell at me for being mean. I want him to tell me I’m being cruel or misunderstanding him. Instead, he just gives me the most knowing look. Like he completely gets me. Like I’m not even being unreasonable.

“Do you not wish to rescue your sister?” Aithar asks, and it’s possible his voice is even more gentle this time than before.

I burst into tears and sink to the floor.

I’m a terrible person. I’ve been trying so hard to control everything around me that I’ve been losing track of what matters. Of course rescuing Rafaela matters more than anything. Of course she won’t care how shabby my house is. She won’t care if I don’t have two pennies to rub together. All she’ll care about is reuniting with me.

Because that’s how it should be, and I’ve somehow lost my original goal. I’ve distracted myself into thinking that I’m in control of the situation when all I’m doing is procrastinating.

And so I cry great big ugly tears in the center of my shabby living area. “You know I want to rescue my sister.”

“I know.”

“You probably hate me now.”

“Never. I love you.”

“You do not.” I weep. “I’m terrible.”

He folds his big body down and joins me on the floor. Aithar sits next to me, just close enough to feel as if he’s with me but not crowding me. “You are not. You are someone who has been through something very difficult and is holding tightly onto everything she has gained. Do you think I do not understand this? When I was first freed by Lord Straik, I did not know how to say ‘no’ to anyone. They could ask me to clean the lavatories with a brush the size of an eyelash, and I would have gone over them twice. I was endlessly pleasant, and I smiled at everything.”

“You still smile at everything,” I mutter, wiping my face.

“Only because I feel like smiling, my heart. It was Erzah that took me aside and told me that no one would send me away if I said no. That no one would think I was being a difficult a’ani, or that I could have opinions and it would be fine. I didn’t believe him, of course. I was too afraid that I would be sent back to the mining station and chained to my desk once more.” He gently strokes my wet cheek. “So I know what you are feeling.”

My mouth goes dry and I stare up at him with newfound shame. Chained to his desk? It’s horrific to think that slavery is a thing even with these technologically advanced aliens. “I didn’t mean to downplay your experience. My people know a thing or two about being enslaved, too.”

“I didn’t think you were mocking me. You are trying to take control of a messy situation, my heart. I understand . You are afraid to make changes in your life because you are comfortable. You do not want to destroy the fragile happiness you have created.” He nudges me with his elbow. “I would never judge.”

Fresh tears slide down my face, because he’s right. He’s very right. “And in the meantime, I’m a monster to everyone.”

“No. Not at all. You are just frightened.” He gives me the sweetest, most understanding look. “It is all right to be frightened, but you can talk to me about it. I am here to be your friend and your supporter, no matter if you decide you do not wish to use me for sex any longer.”

“I’m kind of a selfish asshole, because I don’t want that. I love you being here. I love spending time with you. Even when we’re not kissing…though the kissing is pretty great, too.” I eye his full mouth rather covetously. “That’s part of the problem. I try to imagine you in the same room with my sister and I can’t. And instead of dealing with it, I just keep choosing to fool around with you. That makes me the worst person.”

“It does not.” Aithar scoots forward and cups my face in his hands. “Do you know how I got past my fear of losing everything?”

“How? If there’s a trick, I’d love to know it.”

He gently wipes my face and tucks my coiling, wild hair behind my ear. “My friends. They realized that I was going overboard to please Lord Straik and them. In order to prove to me that I was safe, all the a’ani on the crew became the most disrespectful, loud, obnoxious, and obstinate crew of a ship ever. Every order Lord Straik said was met with angry denials. No one did their jobs. They argued and fought and did not clean up after themselves. In short, they were a terrible, awful crew. And Lord Straik argued with them back. When they yelled, he yelled. He was frustrated, but he never retaliated. When he grew angry, he had us all gather for a meeting to discuss what was going on. That was when I finally realized what they were doing. They were proving a point to me. That it was fine to have opinions and to sometimes be a terrible person. That we cannot all always be perfect. That we are still worthwhile even when we make choices that annoy someone else.”

That’s…so incredibly kind. I immediately feel like a jerk all over again that I haven’t given his friends more of a chance. He’s staunchly supported them even when I pointed out that they were teasing him. He said they were close like siblings, and I get it now. If this is the history they have had together, no wonder he loves and trusts them. No wonder he doesn’t mind when they tease him.

Aithar smiles at me and runs a hand over my curls. “I like your mane. Your curls are so lively.”

“You like everything about me,” I point out.

“I really do.”

Somehow that eases some of the tightness in my chest. I move closer to him, and when he puts his arms around me and drags me into his lap, I let him. It’s the second time in two days that he’s cuddled me and I’ve allowed it. Normally I’m so careful because I don’t want to lose control of our ‘situation.’ I’m afraid that’s gone entirely out the window, though.

Hugs? I absolutely need them. Especially his hugs.

He tucks me under his chin and rubs my arm. “I hate that I’ve made you cry.”

“I hate that I’ve become one of those people that cries over things I should want.” I lean into his warmth, his strength. His uniform is a little starchy against my skin, but it creates a fascinating contrast against the hardness of the muscles underneath it. “I should want another person to be successful with their farm. I should want a bounty hunter contacted to find my sister. I should want to have friends. I should want to have less work. Instead, it all terrifies me.”

“Mm.” He holds me close, not disagreeing. The floor is hard and cold underneath my legs, but I don’t want to get up. I like being in his arms, even if we’re on the floor in an uncomfortable sort of pile. Then, he asks, “Perhaps you need to be broken of your fears like I was broken of mine.”

“You think your friends want to come over and help me with that? They probably think I’m terrible for you.”

“They do not. They are thrilled that I am so happy. And the idea I had for helping you with your fears does not involve others participating.”

“No?”

“No.” He leans in and nips the shell of my ear with his teeth. A heated flutter starts in my belly. “You are afraid to give control of your situation away. Let me take control for one night. Just to prove that you don’t have to be in charge all the time.”

A shiver works up my spine. Let him have control of our time together? “What does that entail, exactly?”

“Everything you think it does.”

“Sex?”

“I would love to have sex with you, but if you’re not ready, then that won’t be on the table. But perhaps you’ll let me make your butter for a day. And then we’ll come home and I’ll kiss you and pleasure you. It will be about you instead of about me.”

Just thinking about letting him handle my butter for a day has me sweating. That’s the part I’m struggling with the most, because I already like his kisses and caresses. “I’m ready for sex. You think this will help me get over my control issues? If I let you take over for the day?”

“I don’t know if it will get rid of them entirely, but I think it will prove to you that the world doesn’t end if you do.”

Right. Okay. There’s no need to panic just yet. It’s just a bit of control. It’s just for one day. It’s just one or two batches of butter.

So…why am I sweating already?

“When are we doing this?” I ask in a light, panicky tone. “Now?”

“Tomorrow.” He brushes his lips over my cheek. “I’ll tell the others I need the day off from my work station and get someone to cover my shift. Then I will come over and we will make butter together.”

“Together? That’s not so bad.”

“Correct. You will tell me how to proceed and I will be the one doing all the work.”

I take it back. That’s bad. “And after that…?”

“After that, you and I talk about where we’re going from here. No judgments. No pressure. Just an honest discussion of the best path forward in all ways.”

It sounds sensible. Practical. We work through some of my fears by confronting them, and then have a discussion of what the future looks like. Does it include a bounty hunter finding my sister? A butter monopoly in the area?

Does it include Aithar? He’s never pushed me for more. He’s always been quietly supportive and let me lead.

But tomorrow changes everything, and I’m suddenly terrified of what that might mean.