Clusterpuck (Vegas Crush #9)

35. Cluster-puck?

35 /

cluster-puck?

Lila

Max is sitting on my bed as I fold my clothes and meticulously organize them in my suitcase. “What did Laura and Grant say when you asked to cut your internship short?”

“Laura knows I’m pregnant, but she’s the only one. I just told everyone else I had some things to work out prior to starting grad school. I feel terrible about it. I don’t quit things like this.”

“And so you’re just going back to Toronto?”

“Yep, headed home until it’s time to have the baby. I’m talking with the school to see if I can defer entry for a semester. I guess they usually only start cohorts once a year in the fall, but they’re looking at whether or not I can do some things online or do a project right off the bat. If I have to wait a full year to begin my program, I’ll wait a year.”

“But you’ll just go there with the baby and no one to help you out?”

“I will. I’m already looking into daycares. I guess you have to get on a list like a year ahead of time anyway, so maybe a deferment will be a blessing anyway.”

Max shakes his head, hands clasped in his lap. He’s starting to look more like his old self again—his silver hair combed carefully, his clothing pressed and expensive-looking. I’m glad he’s feeling better. His presence is missed at the arena. Max Terry is the patriarch of the Crush. There wouldn’t be a team without him and his presence is larger than life. Right now he just looks conflicted.

“What, Grandpa?”

“I’m sorry I put you in this situation with Tripp.”

“You can’t really be held responsible for a missive you relayed while under the influence of painkillers and immediately after suffering a heart attack.”

“But I meant it, you know. I wanted you and Tripp to work it out. To be good parents to that little baby.”

“I think we can figure that part out. With time. I believe Tripp will rise to the occasion and have a relationship with our child.”

“This just seems like such a hard situation, and I feel like I’ve made it more impossible.”

I sit down next to him, taking his hand. “It will all be okay.”

We sit together in silence for quite a long time, both of us lost in our thoughts.

“I don’t think you made the situation impossible,” I finally say. “I think I acted like a teenager. I forgot my wits. But it’s okay. Women raise babies on their own all the time, and I have a great family. And like I said, I think Tripp will come around eventually. We just won’t…be together. You know? And if that makes me unfit to lead the Crush when the time comes, then I understand. This is a team you built from the ground up. You have the right to hand it off to someone you trust will care for it in the same way you have for all these years.”

“Do your parents know why you’re coming home?”

“Not yet. I need to tell them in person.”

“I sure wish you’d stay through the season, honey.”

“I know. I’m sorry if this embarrasses you. You put me in a high-profile internship and here I am backing out early. I can’t decide if it would be worse to start showing and having to answer questions about being pregnant by a player or leaving early and looking like a quitter.”

“I’m not embarrassed, Lila.”

“You’re not?”

“God no. I’ve done a lot of things in my life. Some of them have been really good—things to be proud of. I’ve had a good marriage, raised two wonderful sons, and have two amazing grandchildren. I’ve built a good team. I’ve helped the community here. I’ve tried to be a good person, live by the Church. Having a heart attack sort of makes you think about your mortality, you know? You get a chance to think about the person you’ve been and what you could’ve done better.”

“I can see that. And I’ve always thought you were the best of us, for what it’s worth.”

My grandfather pats my hand. “Oh, honey. Don’t put me on that pedestal. We’re all sinners, big and small. And I think maybe I should’ve prayed a little over this before I asked you to take on a baby and a marriage before you were ready.”

I put my head on his shoulder. “Don’t give it another thought. A good friend told me things will work out just the way they’re meant to, and I believe that. Things will be okay. I’ll be okay. Baby will be okay, too.” I reach over and hug him. “Thank you for asking me to wait on deciding whether to…terminate. I’m so grateful, Grandpa. I love my baby already and I want it with all my heart.”

“You are a beautiful person, Lila Jayne, and you will be a wonderful mother. I love you so much and am so damn proud of you and the amazing young woman you’ve become. And whenever you decide it’s time to be here in Vegas working with us, whether that’s next week, next year, or five years into the future, you will be welcomed with arms wide open.”

I nod a few times but I can’t look him in the eye. Just hearing the words are enough to fill my heart with a kind of comfort and peace. He sits with me a little longer before standing, brushing nonexistent lint from his pressed khakis before telling me he’ll let me finish packing.

I cry silently the whole time.

When he comes back twenty minutes later it’s to tell me that the car service has arrived, ready to get me to the airport.

After we step outside into the desert sunshine, my kind and loving grandfather pulls me into a fierce hug and just holds me for a long minute.

“Lila, you’ve grown so much. You’re smart and capable, and you will come back to the Crush ready to lead, when the time is right for you . And I can’t wait to meet my great-grandchild.” He pulls away, his hands on my shoulders. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you when you tell your parents?”

I shake my head and laugh lightly. “No, Grandpa. I’ll be fine. They might have some choice words, but after that, I know they’ll be supportive.”

“I believe that, too, Lila Jayne. God, I’m going to miss you.”

I kiss him on the cheek one last time before rolling my suitcase over to the driver. While she’s putting it in the trunk, I take my place in the back seat and wave a final time at Max, realizing he’s giving me a send-off to the next phase of my life. Motherhood. And I’m not even that worried anymore. I’m going to be a mom in another six and a half months and I have to get with the program to learn how to be a good one.

The whole ride to the airport is mostly me thinking through the conversation I’m about to have with my parents. I told them I was coming home, but not why.

The car drops me off at my terminal and I queue at the counter to check my bag. But as I get to the front of the line, I hear someone yelling my name. At first, I ignore it—believing I’m mishearing because Lila is not a common name and who would be calling for me anyway? I hand over my bag which gets tossed onto the conveyor just as the person yelling my name seems to be coming closer. I turn, curious.

Tripp is running toward me.

Flat. Out. Running.

And as he gets to me, he falls to his knees.

In front of all of these people.

“Lila,” he says, taking my hand. “Lila. I’ve been such an idiot. This has been such a cluster of a mess, and I should have just told you right off the bat that I love you. I’ve always loved you, in some kind of way. And it’s evolved over these years. Every year that’s passed, I’ve seen you emerge. I’ve wanted to protect you, but you don’t need protecting. You need a partner. You also need to know something else, too. Us ending up working together? It was meant to be. I believe that. And you’ve made me a better man this year. You’ve helped me be a man who can be there for his wife, for his child. And I want to be that man for you both, so badly.”

“Tripp. I—” I don’t know what to say to him. My mind is spinning with this revelation. He’s in love with me?

“I know you hate me. I know you don’t want this marriage or this baby. But I want you both. I want to be there for you both. Whatever you need, I want to provide it. If it means we go live in po-dunk Ohio while you finish school, then I’ll be there to help you.”

I’m sobbing now. I can barely catch my breath; I feel so overwhelmed and emotional and I just don’t know what to say.

“Please, Lila. Please accept my apology.”

“Why now?” I say through my rough sobs. “What’s changed for you?”

Tripp looks around before getting to his feet. “Can we step away for a minute? Just to talk?”

Suddenly, I’m aware of the absurdity of this scenario. A pro hockey player on his knees, making this big, romantic gesture in the airport like some Hallmark romcom ending. This is so not my style. My cheeks go aflame as I nod, allowing Tripp to pull me away from the crowd. I can’t even look at the people, because I know they’ll be staring at me. Awaiting my answer. This is not their story. It’s mine. And I’ve been swept up with Tripp before. I need answers to my questions before he gets an answer to his.

We sit on a bench, where Tripp turns his body to face me. “Are you okay?”

I take a few deep breaths. “I’m okay. Just a little taken off guard.”

“I’m sorry. I just—I really worried you’d get on the plane not knowing.”

“That you love me.” My voice is flat.

Tripp notices. “I know I haven’t acted like it. I should’ve told you back in Anaheim. You came all that way, but I couldn’t figure out why. And I was so worried you’d tell me you didn’t feel the same. That it wouldn’t change anything. So, I didn’t say it. And then you came to my room. You made love to me and then you just left. You left. What was I supposed to make of that?”

“I thought I saw something new in you when we went to the first appointment,” I say carefully. “When you took the ultrasound photo. But then we got back, and I was so upset, and you just said nothing.”

“You sent me away!” He says it louder than I think he meant. He tones it down quickly though. “Every time I’ve been ready to say something, it hasn’t felt like the right time. And honestly, Lila, I am scared. I’m fucking terrified because the last time I tried to make something work, it all fell apart. And that wasn’t even real. I realize that now. But this? With you? It’s very real. It’s been building for so long and I know it now. And I won’t be able to take it if you tell me no. If you send me away again I don’t—I don’t know how I’ll accept that.” I believe him. The way he’s looking at me right now, I believe he would be broken if I turn him down.

“I’m sorry I ran, after Anaheim. I just…I didn’t want you to feel trapped. This whole thing isn’t your fault, and I didn’t want you to feel stuck in a life you never would’ve chosen for yourself. But I…I had to be with you one more time. I wanted you for so long and it was so hard to think of letting you go.”

“You don’t have to let me go. I want this. I want you and I want our child, and I don’t give a shit where we live. Go to school. Build your career. Whatever. I’ve waited so long for you. And I just want to do this right. Can we do this right?”

My heart feels like it might burst. I stand and Tripp stands and then we’re kissing. And I can’t get enough. I’ll never get enough of him kissing me like he is right now.

It’s only the sound of clapping that pulls me back to reality. All those people are still watching. They’re cheering for us and smiling, offering congrats. I’m grinning and blushing as Tripp pulls me into a hug that feels like home.

“You make me feel so reckless,” I say into his chest. “So off-kilter.”

“I know that’s hard for you,” he answers into my hair. “You’re such a planner. And this is one messy clusterfuck we made. But I promise we’ll figure it out. I’m committed to figuring it out with you.”

I sigh and just stay there in his arms. “Tripp?”

“Yeah?”

“I guess I should probably tell you I don’t hate you.”

“No?”

“No. I love you. I love this little baby we made together. And I think you’re right. I think it’s always been there. I think it was always meant to be—this thing between us. It just took a giant clusterpuck to shake us up so we could figure out we really do love each other.”

“Cluster-puck?”

I laugh and reach up to cup his cheek with my hand. “My mental state is fragile these days due to pregnancy hormones wreaking havoc on my ability to think and speak properly, I guess.” I shrug. “It took a giant cluster fuck of a situation to get us together.”

“I think clusterpuck is perfect, my beautiful, gorgeous wife, who says she loves me. You know, I didn’t hear much else after those three words so whatever it was, you better tell me again.” Tripp smiles down as I look up at him, being held in his strong arms at the airport with people all around us, staring.

But my husband is oblivious to being a spectacle in a public space. And he is literally beaming as he laughs. I know he’s happy even if his turquoise eyes look a little watery as he leans down to kiss me again. I can feel the release of nerves in his body and hear the relief in his voice when he says, “A clusterpuck is what made all the difference for us.”

Then he laughs again and I join him.

Eventually I pull out of his embrace, and look over at the airline counter. “Well, now that we’re clear on how we feel about each other…”

“What next, babe?”

“I need to convince the airline to give me back my bag.”