Cocky Secrets (Cocker Brothers #29)

55. Luna

FIFTY-FIVE

Luna

I am a shell of myself.

Lost.

No.

Worse.

I have nowhere to go.

The wind on my face was nothing like how I felt when he was by my side.

I am empty.

Numb.

Scared.

Is this what I have to look forward to?

A life where I hurt myself because of my past?

Do I deserve love?

I don’t know.

Those women at the Cipher’s home base were foreign to me. They were so confident in their men. Talking about private things.

“Fuse always bitches about how I’m crazy but when he comes back after a long ride, he’s always got tears in his eyes before he kisses me hello.” Melodi shared so openly. I think she was claiming him in front of me, but she had nothing to worry about. I could have told her that, if I’d found my voice. “They act all macho but they’re just little boys who want to be loved underneath,” she laughed.

While they all shared similar secrets, I stayed quiet. She hated that. I could tell she wanted the dirt on Jett, but what was my right? I couldn’t say how good he was to me. I couldn’t talk about him when I knew I was throwing away the only thing that had ever calmed my bones.

“What, you too good for us or somethin’?”

The other two women stared waiting for me to answer Melodi.

“No.”

“Big talker,” she muttered.

I got up and went out to the yard. As I passed by the kitchen, the guys were inside drinking beer and chowing down on even more of that delicious Jambalaya. Honey Badger was roaring about some shit they pulled in Tennessee while the other guys soaked it up. They paused as they heard the back screen door clang shut. Honey Badger poked his head out. “You okay, Luna?”

Hearing my real name surprised me. I guess Jett must have told him it. I couldn’t remember if someone said it when I was introduced. My mind was as thick as the outside fog, with anxiety. “I’m fine. Just need some air.”

With a knowing look, he rolled his eyes toward upstairs. “They’re just sniffin’ you out. Give it time.”

I nodded, unable to tell him I wasn’t staying past this night.

Especially since, as I looked out over the beautiful property, the spicy taste of dinner still in my mouth, I wanted to stay. I wanted it very badly. I wanted those women to like me. The Cipher men, too. I wanted this life. I wanted this family. I’d never had anything like this.

And I wanted Jett. I wanted to tell him I love him.

I love him deeply.

I was thinking up how to tell him I wanted to stay when he joined me outside. The familiar scent of him as he stood next to me lit my body up. The idea that we could start a life together was so intoxicating that I felt dizzy.

And then he gave me the bike and my old shit came up. I’ve had so many men try to give me things, with bad intentions.

I knew Jett wasn’t like that.

But old habits don’t go away just because you wish they would. I guess you have to work for that.

Watching him lose his mind, so hurt by my mistake, was terrible.

I didn’t have to be psychic to know that being without him would haunt me forever.

“More coffee?”

I blink back to present time and look up at the diner waitress who’s gotta be in her early sixties, but her hair and makeup are so done up she reminds me of Dolly Parton.

“What?”

“Coffee? Want some more?”

“Oh.” I push the cup toward her. “Yeah, thanks. Didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh, I hate that! Well, let’s fix you right up.” As she pours it I stare at the emptiness in the booth opposite me, seeing Jett sliding in and calling that waitress Alice just to make me smile.

“I see a lot of sad faces in here, but yours is the worst,” she mutters, setting the cup down.

Blinking back to her, I don’t say anything.

She sighs and glances around the empty tables, then she takes a seat. “What’s wrong, Sugar?”

“Sugar? Really?” I mutter. “Nothing. I’m good.”

“If you’re good then I’m the First Lady.” She taps hot pink nails on the table. “It’s gotta be a man. He cheat on you?”

“Nope.” My voice is dead. “And I don’t think he ever would.”

“So, it is a man that’s got your face all frowny.”

“I really don’t feel like talking. I’m not the type.” I pick up the coffee, smell it, then set it back down as she watches.

“You know what my nana used to say to me? She said, God speaks to us from everywhere and everyone. And I have to tell you, Sugar, the second I saw you sit down I thought what you needed was a mother.”

My eyes dart up to her face.

This woman just stabbed me with a knife I didn’t know she had.

Understanding she hit the spot, she nods, “I’m right, aren’t I?” With kindness in her crinkles, she leans over and puts her cold hand on mine. “Did she die?”

For some reason I don’t pull away. “Yeah.”

“How long ago?”

“I was ten,” I whisper, unable to look away even with my vision getting blurry.

“Oh honey, that’s too young!” She squeezes my hand really softly.

She’s wrecking me. And I can’t do anything about it.

“Just pretend I’m her,” she tells me.

“That’s crazy,” I mutter, trying to tug my hand back. She won’t let me. Her grip isn’t strong. It’s rooted in persistent kindness. “My mother wasn’t great at making decisions,” I confess before I know what I’m doing.

She takes a deep breath and nods once. “Well, talk to me like she was.”

“You’re not going to let me out of this are you?”

A sad smile appears. “No.”

On an awkward laugh, I shrug and squeeze her hand back. “You have to let this go. I’m not used to the whole touching thing.”

“No.”

“Jesus,” I mutter.

“Go ahead, Sugar.”

What do I have to lose?

“I used to know what I wanted to do with my life.”

“Which is what? What did you want to do?”

“Something you wouldn’t understand. But I did it. And now I don’t have a purpose anymore. I’m just…wandering. I’ve been traveling for eight days on my own and it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Why? You married? Did you run away?”

“No,” I whisper. “Not married. Just met someone who made my life…better.” My voice is so filled with regret and emotion that it’s only a low rasp now. “I broke his heart.”

The bell dings and she lets go of my hand out of instinct, a slave to the sound. A couple is walking into the diner, chatting about something. On a quick frown, she taps the table with her nails and whispers, “Hold that thought.”

As if I can think of anything else.

But she never comes back. The place starts filling up, and I scan for a wall clock to see why it suddenly got busy in here. Sure enough, there’s one over the register telling me it’s noon.

This must be how people feel in therapy sessions when their time is up.

Drinking down my coffee, I pull out Jett’s card and lay it down. My plan is to pay him back when I can get some cash. I’ll steal some soon. Not worried about that. There’s always some asshole in a bar who will try to make an unwanted move. Then he gets his nuts kicked in, my knee to his face as he bends over, and his wallet stolen before he can even grunt, “Fucking bitch.”

But Jett’s going to think I’m an even bigger bitch when he sees these charges.

Still…he hasn’t stopped the card. Huh…I hadn’t thought about that.

Aloud, I whisper a question I’d never thought to ask, “Is he tracking me?” The idea that Jett might be nearby, making sure I’m okay, or trying to think of a way to talk to me immediately kicks my heart into gear.

The waitress hurries over. She’s the only one on this shift. “I’m so sorry, Sugar! What horrible timin’!”

I hand over the card. “You helped.”

“Oh good!” She takes it and returns quickly for me to sign, too busy to notice a man’s name is on it:

Jerald Cocker.

Pretty sure I don’t look like a Jerald. And neither, in fact, does Jett.

No wonder he’s pissed at his dad.

Smiling at this thought, I wave to her. I’m almost out the door, the bell’s still dinging, when she touches my back. “Sugar, when you said you broke his heart. Do you know you broke yours, too?”

As the cooks call, “ORDER UP!” she hurries away.