Crave (Beneath The Secrets #3)

7. Lara

CHAPTER 7

LARA

Song- Nightmare, Halsey

My lungs burn with one more mile left to run. Except I don’t know if I’ll be able to, the protein shake I had this morning probably isn’t enough to fuel me. But I can’t afford more calories after a bad week of eating. My jeans are already starting to feel too tight again.

Wiping the sweat from my forehead, I hold onto the bar, blinking as my vision starts to cloud. I hit the red stop button that puts me back into a gentle stroll as I heave for breath.

Fuck.

It rolls to a stop, and I try to regain my breath while downing some water. My shaking legs just about get me off the machine, but I can’t let go as the room starts to spin around me.

I know this feeling too well. I keep drinking the cold liquid, remaining still and focusing on deep breaths in and out. It’ll pass.

It will be worth it to lose the weight.

When I’m confident I can actually walk, I make my way out of my home gym and head straight to the shower.

Peeling off my sweaty workout gear, I toss it in the laundry. The hot mist starts to fill the room, but I can still see myself in the huge mirror on the wall. As I push my hair out of my face, I study my reflection.

I can see my hip bones again, hell, even my ribs through my skin.

Still hideous.

Tears prick in my eyes as I focus on the faint white stretch marks on my thighs. The more I look, the more I find wrong with myself.

Never good enough. Never pretty enough. Not even to be sold off as a wife.

I want to scream and punch the mirror so it shatters into a million pieces. There’s a piece of me that wants to do it to every single one so I never have to look at myself again.

All I can hear in my mind is the comments over the years.

“Are you sick? You’ve lost so much weight, Lara.”

“No man is going to want you looking like that.”

“You look like you need to eat.”

“You need to tone up if you want to keep a man.”

I slam my hands down on the vanity sink and let the tears flow and step under the steamy spray. This is my daily ritual.

Maybe I need to go back to Alexei’s cabin to adjust my brain again. It is the only thing that works. No social media, no people and only he knows where I am. I tell him when I am ready to come back and no questions are asked.

An hour later, I have a full face of make-up and blow dried hair. I don’t have plans other than visiting Mikhail at the casino to get some more admin work done for him. My brothers are smart and ruthless when it comes to the mafia business. However, the casinos and bars, they couldn’t give a shit about. That’s where I come in, keeping the records clean so they don’t land up in jail.

We don’t trust anyone outside enough to deal with it and it’s good, it keeps my brain busy.

I put on my gold Chanel heels to match my bag, perfect with my white slip dress. Thankfully I tanned yesterday, so my skin is glowing.

Just as I toss my bag on the passenger seat, I hear the familiar rumble of Alexei’s BMW. As I look at the rear-view mirror, his black bike comes into view and of course, he pulls a wheelie as he crosses through the gate.

Every drive safe text I send him is utterly pointless, yet I’ll never stop trying. I need him too much to ever leave me. He pulls up next to my car and I put down my window as he pulls his helmet and mask off, shaking out his dark curls.

With his teeth he pulls off his gloves.

“Where are you off to?” he asks, climbing off his bike and opening my door.

“Work.”

“You got time for some lunch?”

I look at my Rolex and tap my chin.

“Hmm, I really don’t know. My boss is kinda harsh, I don’t wanna lose my job.”

He holds out his hand and I place mine there as he pulls me up to my feet.

“You could lose him ten million and blow up the building and you’d still have a job.”

I scoff but he’s not wrong.

“See, you can’t deny it either. You know you have all three of us wrapped around your big finger.” He grins and falls into step next to me.

“Little, Alexei.”

“Nothing little about me.” He shrugs, putting his helmet under his arm and dragging me towards my own front door. He keys in the security pin and makes himself at home, rummaging through my refrigerator.

I sit up on the barstool and shoot a quick text to Mikhail that I’m running late.

He responds right away.

Miki

Bring Alexei with you. Need to speak to both of you.

“Hey, A? You pissed off my brother?”

He pauses, turning to me with a tomato in his hand. “Which one?”

I flip my phone around to show him the screen. “Mikhail. He wants to speak to you.”

He scratches his head. “I’ve behaved. I think.”

I bite back a laugh at the fact he’s genuinely trying to figure out what he’s been doing.

“Oh.” His face falls along with his shoulders.

One of my eyebrows raise. “What did you do?”

He chews on his lip and looks to the side. “There was a little mix up on the word ‘blow’ yesterday.”

I rub my temple. This is no doubt going to cause me a headache. “In what way?”

“Well, when Nikolai told me to get the blow, I assumed he meant, you know, like boom.” He mimics an explosion with his hands and pops the tomato which runs down his hands.

“Ew.” He tosses it in the sink and washes his hands.

“So you blew the place up instead of getting the cocaine?” I shake my head. Nikolai should know better, especially with words like that.

He holds up his wet palms. “Yeah, my bad.”

“Do I want to know how much drugs were in there?”

He pouts, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. “Enough for him to have me working like a donkey for the next year.”

“I’ll speak to him.” I can sweet talk my brother about half the time. I don’t think even Mikhail can really be upset at Alexei, not after everything he does for this family.

He hands me one of the frigid drinks and motions to the vehicles. “I guess if the king is calling, we must go?” His grin shows his silver tooth as he holds the door for me.

“Are you riding with me?” Most of the time, I prefer it. I worry about how cocky he is on his motorcycle.

He shrugs and moves to the passenger side. “You’ll be able to carry my body to the car? I want to be buried with my bike.”

His palm flattens against the window when I back down the driveway. “Goodbye, Betty. We had a fun life.”

My eyes roll. “You’re being ridiculous. Mikhail would have told me if he was really that upset.”

Alexei runs his fingers through his dark hair. “He’s too hard to read with that mask on. I can never tell. At least in the plane, it’s a thumbs up, or thumb down. I don’t see his face.”

My stomach tightens. “You’re still doing those jumps?” I hate that he loves to skydive. Almost as much as I dislike that Mikhail is a pilot.

They’re both too dangerous.

I can feel Alexei squinting at me, but I keep my face neutral.

“Maybe?” He draws the word out, still staring at me.

It makes my stomach grumble, thinking of him falling through the air.

What if his parachute doesn’t open?

“I wish you wouldn’t.” Chewing on my thumbnail won’t ease the rolling in my belly.

He turns away when the shadows of the building darken the car. “How else would I get out of the plane?” he grumbles towards the window.

I don’t even have a reply to that.

When we pull into the parking garage, I find my designated spot near the main entrance.

The fact that Mikhail owns the casino does have its perks.

My heels click over the hard marble floor when we step through the glass automatic doors.

The wash of the air conditioning is refreshing after the stifling heat of the Vegas afternoon.

“I need an iced coffee first.” I’ll pay for the sugar later. It will help to soothe the nerves in my belly.

An extra half hour on the treadmill. I might skip dinner.

Alexei picks up two chocolate chip cookies and raises his eyebrows at me.

“I don’t want one.” I’m already going to be paying for this drink.

He looks confused. “They’re both for me. See how little they are?” Holding them up separately, each is nearly the size of his hand.

How is that fair? He can eat whatever he wants without worry?

Yet I have to agonize about every single calorie.

Waving my hand in annoyance, I turn on my heel and head for the elevators. The girl in the kiosk knows to put it all on my account.

Working for my brother for so many years has earned me the right to walk into his office without knocking.

“Lara.” Mikhail looks up from his desk over the black balaclava that covers the lower half of his face. His dark eyes narrow when he glances at Alexei sauntering in. “I’m glad to see you brought the fool.” He points at Alexei with his thick index finger then jabs it towards the couch against the wall. “Sit. You’re not useful to me today, but you’re here for her.”

The knot in my stomach tightens.

Any time Mikhail or Nikolai push Alexei to me, it’s because something horrible is about to happen.

Alexei takes a huge bite of one of his cookies, spilling crumbs down his chest and onto the floor as he walks.

I bet he did that on purpose. I make sure to scowl at him when I sit next to him.

The disgruntled sigh that Mikhail makes when he stands indicates he saw what he did, too.

“I swear, Alexei.” He shakes his head and steps around the edge of his big desk.

Mikhail is huge on his own, but when he gets closer he towers over us.

“I need to talk to you about what happened to Nikolai.” His arms bulge as he crosses them over his chest. “It’s about something I’ve kept from you.” Mikhail’s dark eyes slip to the side, averting his gaze.

What the hell did he do?

The iced coffee isn’t cutting it, my stomach starts to roll with anxiety.

“Let me back up. You know that asshole Kirill? The one who got tied up with Knox and helped to try and kill Jax?” Mikhail growls the name.

“Yes, have you found him?” I know that guy has been elusive. Even Alexei has voiced frustration in trying to track him down.

“Well, he’s the one who had a hand in sending Mila after Niki. He works for Ivan.” He spits our father’s name.

I just call him evil in my own head.

Alexei fidgets next to me. “Ivan makes my own father look nice.”

When I glance at him, he smiles with chocolate on his lips. “That’s saying something.”

“It is.” I don’t know the details, but I’ve picked up through the years just how awful Alexei’s parents were.

And that Mikhail took care of the problem.

“Ivan caused all of that chaos looking for Zoya.” Mikhail runs his hand over his eyes, then rubs his temple.

Wait, I think Alexei mentioned that name. “Who is that?”

Mikhail takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, fluttering the mask over his lower face. “Father’s bride. She escaped that night and sought out our mother for help.”

My straw makes a slurping sound as I suck up the last of my drink.

It needs alcohol.

Mikhail had already shuffled us to a safehouse away from Ivan before that night. It’s like he knew our father was planning on creating havoc with us.

“Where did she come from? We weren’t gone that long before the fire.” I’ll never forget the pain that Nikolai suffered when his wife died.

That was the last time I saw Mikhail’s face.

“Our father like’s them young, apparently. She was barely eighteen, and he didn’t waste any time.” His voice falls into hushed tones. “She was pregnant.”

My hand flies over my mouth. “That poor girl. She was in the fire?” I squeak.

He nods. “She’s who Ivan was after.”

“What?” That makes me sit up and scream.

So many died that night.

The chaos has affected us for years.

Nikolai lost his wife.

And Elena, her mom.

I lost mine.

Jax lost his father and sister.

All because of her?

“I don’t understand. Why does he still think she’s alive?” I know Mikhail was the only survivor, besides Ivan who started the blaze.

Mikhail looks at me, then Alexei for a long moment.

“Because she is. And she was pregnant.”