Crave (Beneath The Secrets #3)

24. Lara

CHAPTER 24

LARA

Song- Mistake NF

I can hear his thoughts ticking. Even as he holds me close, I can feel the shift.

He lets out a long exhale. “Yeah, they are waiting for me.”

Silence fills the room. Is he pulling away because he’s scared of what they might say? Or because he regrets crossing a line with me?

I’m not good enough for him either. That kiss wasn’t what he imagined it would be. I bet he gets any beautiful woman he wants.

“Don’t you dare.” I try to hide the tremble in my voice as I turn away from him. He might know me better than I know myself sometimes, but it works both ways.

“Dare what?” He responds quietly, very unlike the usual Alexei.

I swallow past the lump in my throat, the butterflies swarming in my stomach. I can still feel his lips on mine.

If it was wrong, why did it feel so right? Perfect even.

“Call that a mistake,” I answer honestly.

What I really mean is me.

The damage of never being good enough has broken me over the years, but none of that compares to the pain I’d feel if I were rejected by Alexei.

A life without him?

Impossible.

The second he walks into my space my world goes silent, in the best possible way. The doubt, the self loathing, the pain. It all dissipates, and my mind and body are at peace.

Alexei is the calm I crave in the mayhem of my mind.

I turn to face him, wanting to get a read of his face.

The man who spins my universe. The man whose existence keeps me going. No matter how dark my days become, there is always light when he is beside me.

He shakes his head, swiping his tatted finger along his bottom lip.

I stay rooted in place. Frozen. Waiting for him to shatter me.

He gently tips my chin up to him. His normally wild eyes are softened.

“To me, that kiss could never be. To you? This might be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made, pchelka.”

“What do you mean?”

Never. That’s what I meant to say.

“I-I don’t know if I can stop. This might have taken my addiction to you a step beyond something we can go back from.”

I’m not sure if I should ask. “You don’t want to do it again?”

He raises a brow. But there is one thing on his face right now I’ve never seen before. Fear.

“You need to sleep and I need to go back to protecting you.” He presses a kiss to my forehead and pushes himself off the bed, leaving me empty and alone.

That’s how I feel whenever he isn’t with me.

I didn’t expect to wake up alone.

After everything I’ve been through, and last night, Alexei still left?

Maybe he sent me a message. It’s silly to think he would have stayed.

It’s not like we’re together.

But he’s all I could think about when I was captured.

Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror tells me exactly why he left. The fresh stitches in my cheek are a sharp contrast to the red swollen edges that mark where Kirill jabbed that knife through.

Fuck him.

I hope we find him and shred him for what he’s done to all of us.

Anger shakes through me.

How dare he? Take me from my family, from the people I love to ruin me?

I almost died.

I think a piece of me did.

Still weak, I work my way into the kitchen to find my refrigerator absolutely stuffed with food.

Finger sandwiches, strawberries, and drinks of every variety all stare back at me.

What else is in here?

I bet this was all Alexei. Or, Mikhail. They’re both good about taking care of me.

Nikolai doesn’t care. If he did, he would have invited me to his wedding.

Maybe I shouldn’t still be mad at him. But it’s hard not to be.

Where is Alexei? His absence hurts more than anything.

Grabbing a sandwich and a juice, I sit down and check my phone for the thirtieth time to see if he’s texted.

The snack fills me up. I went so long while captured without eating, I think my stomach shrank. Probably a good thing.

No one wants me fat and mutilated.

This is for the best. I need to get all of this extra garbage out of the house.

Pausing in front of Alexei’s candy bin, it makes me wonder if that needs to go too.

Yes. If he can’t be here when I need him, I don’t want to keep this here just to beg him for his presence.

Before I know it, tears are flowing down my cheeks, stinging the wound near my mouth.

I don’t care.

He left me. They all let me sit forever in that hell hole.

I don’t need them. I don’t need any of them.

My legs shake as I carry everything outside to the garbage bins. Even the thought of having it all in the house makes me sick.

In fact…

Running to the bathroom, I vomit up the sandwich. The carbonation from the soda burns my nose as it violently leaves my body.

The heart rate on my watch is through the roof.

Stop.

Get a grip.

Maybe they don’t all hate me.

I need to find out.

Falling into the tailspin is too easy.

Mikhail told me once that if he’s flying and the plane starts to fall, he has to go full throttle before he can pull out.

That’s what I should do. I’ll go to Nikolai and see if he has a problem with me.

I hate how much looser my clothes are. It takes several outfits before I find something that fits correctly.

Why am I like this?

Nikolai shouldn’t care. He’s my brother. Shouldn’t he love me unconditionally?

Trying to be perfect all of the time is exhausting. But I shouldn’t have to try so hard.

When I leave the house and go past the garbage, a twinge of guilt gnaws at me.

Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown the food away.

The entire drive I kick myself for doing it.

I’m surprised when Nikolai comes out to meet me at the car.

“Lara! I’m glad you came, Elena has been asking about you.” Nikolai wraps me into his arms for a fierce hug. “We’ve been worried,” he whispers against the top of my head.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, so I pull away.

Alexei

Where are you? I went for a swim, but when I got back you were gone

Me

I’m at Nikolai’s

Alexei

On my way

“Is that Alexei?” Nikolai watches me.

“Yea, he’s on his way.”

He nods. “I wondered. He hasn’t gone a second without obsessing over you. I didn’t expect to see you without him for a while.”

Now I really feel shitty about doubting them.

“Let’s go in, I miss my niece.” Threading my arm through his, I walk unsteadily up the short steps to the porch.

“Are you sure the doc checked you out? Have you been eating okay?” Nikolai asks as we go in.

I guess I’m leaning too much on him.

“I’m okay.” All it’s doing is making me more self conscious.

“Auntie Lara!” Elena runs down the stairs from her room towards me with her arms open, but slows when she looks up at my face.

“Oh gosh! What happened to your cheek?” Her little hands fly up and clasp her own jaw in shock.

No, not her too?

The tears return and burn their way down to my lips.

“Auntie Lara is fine,” Alexei says from the door. “She’s tough as nails and a survivor.”

As if soothed by his words, Elena wraps her arms around my waist in a fast hug. “I’m glad to see you.”

But she turns just as quickly and runs back upstairs.

It breaks me to watch her go. I know she’s only seven, but it hurts to have her shy away from me.

“How are you doing?” Mila brushes her long brown hair away from her face as she steps closer.

Her smile looks genuine, even if it is reserved.

“I needed to go on a diet anyways.” I try to return her grin. My lips falter though.

Alexei’s arm snakes around my waist, and I lean into him reflexively.

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Mila laughs. “I think this means we should go out and have cheesecake.”

Her athletic build comes from being a trained assassin.

I may work for the mafia, yet it’s still a desk job. “I’m not sure. I might take a rain check on that one.”

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Mila moves closer to Nikolai, who’s gaze never wavers.

I shift uncomfortably. Their new wedding rings seem to glow under the lights.

Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.

Usually being this close to Alexei is merely a comfort. But after yesterday, I’m extremely aware of how close he is.

So when he steps away, I notice.

He can come and go as he pleases, and no one seems to judge him for it. There’s no pattern with him, just spontaneity.

I’m a little jealous that he can just leave a situation.

Screw it. I almost died. There should be an allowance for that.

Following him outside, I find him leaning against his bike.

He doesn’t look at me, or even acknowledge my presence.

“I’ll take you home,” he says without turning.

“Thank you.”

Without another word, I climb on his bike behind him, and we disappear into the night.