Crave (Beneath The Secrets #3)

25. Alexei

CHAPTER 25

ALEXEI

Song- Silence, Marshmello, Khalid

Having her arms wrapped around me is different now.

I know what it’s like to hold her close and taste her lips.

It’s all I can think about.

The wild part is that this is the first time I’ve ever held back on anything. I’m too used to giving in to whatever whim strikes me, with no fear of the consequences.

But I know there are very real ones with her.

She’s the most important thing in my life. My entire purpose for living.

I don’t want to drive her away, or ruin what we have.

I saw her at Nikolai’s. The pain that flickered over her face when Elena turned away. How she chewed on her lip and picked at her thumb when she thought no one would notice.

She was wrong. I always see her.

It’s as if she’s the only light in the room. She’s my focus.

I can see how broken she is.

And I fear crossing this boundary will make it worse, for everyone. I left last night because my head is fucked.

I’m not usually one to sit and think, but as soon as Niki and Miki left, that’s what I did. I ignore the voices in my head, yet when it comes to Lara, they’re screaming at me.

The fear of losing what we have takes hold.

How is someone as messed up as I am supposed to love or be loved?

I’m crazy, not stupid. I know she deserves better than me. The thought is a stab through my very soul.

As I help her off the bike, and her tiny hand slips into mine, sparks shoot up my arm making my heart hammer.

“Are you coming in?” she whispers.

She’s nervous, or sad.

I shake my head. She needs peace, not chaos. I can protect her. Including from myself.

“Can’t you see I need you? Now, of all times. Don’t pull away from me. You promised me you wouldn’t,” she sniffles.

I step forward, wrapping my arms around her and she buries her face into my chest.

Tears. They’re my fault.

“I can’t lose you, Alexei.”

I hug her tighter. The thought is my worst nightmare. “You never will, I promised eternity.”

What if I can never be the man to give her the type of love she craves? Am I even capable?

Her voice is laced with anger. “Then stop pulling away from me. What is it? Am I not good enough for you? Lara, always on the side lines, never the first choice. Always a fucking maybe.”

I pull back and grip her shoulders.

“Stop. That isn’t it. Don’t ever think that,” I say sternly.

Is this what I’ve done to her? I’m the reason she’s never had those second dates. And because of that, I’ve made her believe she’s inadequate. I am the one causing her pain.

All I wanted was her to be happy, yet, I was the one breaking her. Making her think she was a goddamn maybe of this world.

She isn’t.

She’s the reason I drag myself out of bed each morning. The reason I make sure I don’t actually get myself killed.

My first thought of the day and my last is always her. In fact, there probably isn’t a minute where she isn’t on my mind.

“There is no one on this planet as special nor as beautiful on the inside and out as you, Lara. Your standards should be up in the stars, not in the pits of hell with me.”

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“You promised me, Alexei. That kiss wouldn’t ruin what we had.”

“It won’t,” I reply quickly. I can’t let it.

“Doesn’t seem like it.” She looks down at the floor. I’m making her sad.

I want to kiss her again. I want to take her to bed and cuddle her. And show her in every single way just how much she means to me.

I want to worship every damn inch of her until she sees what I see.

But I can’t. Because if this is what happens after one kiss. A moment that I will replay on loop until the day I die, what happens if we do more?

I will lose the best thing in my life.

“What about an episode of Yellowstone, I eat all your candy and make you laugh?”

She sniffles and looks up at me.

Her eyes burn into me. She wants more, I can see it, sense it. And so do I. But now isn’t the time.

Blinking too quickly, she shifts away. “I haven’t refilled it for a while.”

I link my fingers through hers and my arm tingles. It feels like home, all warm and fuzzy.

Lara’s gaze flicks down to our hands and back up to my face.

Damn, she’s so beautiful.

Shaking my head, I lead us in through her hall.

“You, sit.” I point to the couch.

“I’ll get the snacks. I don’t want healthy today.” I smirk at her and she rolls her eyes, biting back a smile.

Here we go. She’s lightening up and honestly, it’s a relief.

Tucking the blanket under her chin, making sure she’s comfy, I slip from my side of her bed. I can’t resist moving the stray hair from her face, and when I do, the softness of her skin makes me stroke her cheek.

I wish she could be mine.

As I step back, my phone lights up on the nightstand. I snatch it and pull myself from her room.

N

Meet us at Vox. We have a problem. Be armed and crazy.

I can’t shake the grin on my lips.

Maybe this is what I need, blood on my hands. Maybe that will clear my head, ending lives is where I am my most free.

And, I’m still protecting her by ridding the world of these assholes.

Grabbing a lollipop on my way out, I put the jar back in the cupboard. I need to go and get her some groceries.

All she has is bad stuff, normally it’s all healthy crap. But that makes her happy. She needs more.

Okay.

Kill people. Buy strawberries. Check on Sheila. Maybe, Sheila would be good company for Lara while I keep some distance.