Crave (Beneath The Secrets #3)

82. Lara

CHAPTER 82

LARA

Song, Euclid, Sleep Token

Am I hallucinating?

Where the hell am I?

The bright lights. The beeping. A damn hospital.

Blinking through the clinical glare, my mouth is drier than a desert.

I can hear Alexei.

My god, am I still unconscious?

It’s like he’s really here. I can smell him, I can feel warmth on my right hand. His voice.

With all of the energy I can muster I turn my head.

His puffy red eyes are the first thing I see.

But he’s alive? He came back for me.

“Pchelka,” he whispers.

“Sladkiy.” A tear slips down my cheek. There’s so much I want to say. To explain.

I’m just so tired.

He rests his forehead against mine and I close my eyes, the calm to my storm.

Alexei gets the doctors in, who proceed to check me over. I hear them saying things to me, but it’s difficult to concentrate. I just want to talk to Alexei.

They’re discussing a program for my eating disorder. The word starvation came up a couple of times. Body shutting down. I’ve kind of tuned my brain out.

I know what I’ve done to myself. I know it has to stop.

I look over to Alexei, who is taking every word in from the doctor and squeezing my hand for reassurance.

He is now, and will always be, my protector.

Piecing me back together again bit by bit. I’ve hurt him. Seeing me like this will be killing him.

I let myself down. I let him down. And my family. I spiraled too far this time.

I just wish I knew how to fix my broken.

A doctor in bright blue scrubs stands over me. “You get some rest, Lara. We will be back in to keep checking on you and once you’re feeling up to it, we can discuss your plans, okay?”

She pushes her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and smiles at me.

“Thank you.”

I let out a sigh of relief when the door closes and I turn my head to face Alexei.

“I missed you, pchelka.” The raw emotion in his voice makes me want to burst into tears.

“I missed you most,” I say back.

Silence washes over us, we lost each other and we fell apart.

“I love you, Lara. I’m so sorry I left you. I thought I was doing the right thing. That this would keep everyone safe. I nearly lost you. How was I ever supposed to live a life without you in it?”

He’s speaking so fast it’s hard to understand.

“I’m okay, Alexei. I’m going to be fine. I missed you. I thought I’d never see you again.” My eyes burn. I’ve never been so lost in this world without him.

“I was always making my way back to you. I promised, remember.” He lifts up my hand and places a kiss. “Getting back to my girl was the only thing keeping me going in there. When I found you?—”

My stomach sinks. “Shit. You found me?”

No wonder he looks so distraught. I can’t believe I let this happen.

“You need to get help for this, baby. I am not smart enough to do that on my own. We need clever people, like Sofia. I won’t let you leave me, not like this.”

He shakes his head. I keep quiet to let him continue. “The way I love you means I have to die before you. You can’t go first, Lara. And the way this is going, you will, baby. I vowed to protect you, and if it’s from yourself then I will. This is not how we end.”

It’s like a stab through the heart. The thought of losing him kills me. I can’t imagine the pain he’s going through.

I’m petrified of dying. I can’t leave Alexei nor my family. I just can’t make this stop. I punish myself to feel in control.

“I don’t want to, it was never about that. The thought of leaving behind you, Elena, my brothers, that rips me apart. I never wanted to die. I just didn’t know how to keep living.”

Seeing the tears roll down his cheeks guts me even more. Guilt washes over me. I’m hurting everyone I love.

“I’ll do whatever it takes. I promise. I’m not giving up. Not on us. Not on life.”

“I won’t let you. I swore to protect you, and if that means from yourself, that’s what I’ll do.”

He raises my arm and places my palm on his warm cheek.

He’s so handsome. I don’t deserve his kindness.

“W-what if I’m too broken to fix? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life worrying about me? I’m holding you back.”

“Don’t,” he says sternly. “You think I’m not how you say, broken, too? Sometimes I’m not sure what goes on in my brain.”

I hiccup a laugh. That’s true.

“But you know what?” he continues.

I lean into his touch as he strokes my cheek and let his words sink in.

Two halves that fit together perfectly.

Both imperfect, yet together, we make a whole.

Maybe it isn’t all about being perfect.

“We can be a little bit broken together?” I finish the sentence for him.

He nods and smiles at me.

As he leans over me, I suck in a breath. I’ve been waiting for this moment for what feels like a lifetime.

“One kiss won’t ruin everything, right?” He smirks, rubbing his nose softly against mine.

“No, handsome. It’s going to fix us, the only way we know how.”

Waking up from a nap, I dreamt of the cabin. Of cuddling up to Alexei by the lake. Just silencing the world for a while.

I always ran there to avoid everyone. Except I’ve realized that home isn't a place, not for me.

It’s a person. It’s Alexei.

“I’d like to go to the cabin, if that’s okay?”

He bows his head with a frown.

And then it hits me. He thinks I don’t need him right now.

“I’d like you to come with me.”

He strokes the front of my hand with his thumb.

“You think I’m ever leaving your side again, do you? Huh?”

That wide grin emerges on his lips and I can’t help but smile too.

This is what I need. Space from the world but not from my person.

I need him with me.

I know that with Alexei, I can conquer anything in my path and this battle with bulimia is one I have to fight now.

No more hiding. I can’t keep hurting the people I love. I can’t keep hurting myself anymore.

I will do anything to take back control of my life, even if it is small steps every day.

I never want to see tears fall from his eyes because of me.

“I won’t let you leave me. You’re mine, Alexei.”

He brings my hand up to his mouth and presses a kiss to my knuckles.

“You’ve been the sole keeper of my heart since the moment I laid eyes on you. That will never change. We will get you through this, pchelka. I promise.”

He leans over and brushes my cheek.

“Because I simply cannot lose you. My world stops spinning when you aren’t there. My fire goes out. I will love you through the hard times, I’ll fight for you when you’re too exhausted to fight for yourself. I’ll take care of you when you need it. I’ll do anything in my power to keep you smiling, because that is what I live for Lara. You. Us. No matter what, it will always be us against whatever battle we come across.”

I choke on a sob. Those are the kindest, most beautiful words anyone has ever said to me.

“I will fight for us, Alexei. I’ll fall with you, I’ll love you every single day. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure we do life together. Because I live for you, too. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost control, that I hid my battles from you.”

He shakes his head.

“Don’t apologize, baby. We’ve got this. Now get some rest, I’ll get the cabin ready and we can escape for a little while.”

As he stands I grab his wrist.

“No kiss?” I give him an exaggerated pout.

He laughs and runs a hand over his face. My poor man looks broken.

Bending over, he kisses me so softly, like I’m a piece of glass that will crumble.

“You won’t break me, sladkiy.”

He smiles against my lips and kisses me properly.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you, sweets.”