Crying in the Rain (Hiding Behind The Couch Character and Festive Episodes)

19 Splinters

Ade

A s soon as they’d eaten, Kris took the dog for a walk. He was honest about needing a little time to himself and said he felt safe taking it, knowing Ade was in Shaunna’s capable hands. Ade wasn’t sure how he felt about that—relieved in one sense, as it meant he didn’t have to monitor or censor his behaviour. It was a luxury he had long been without.

Fergus has gone. He’s gone. For good.

Of course, they’d done this before, but it did feel different this time. He had reclaimed his apartment. He hadn’t blocked Fergus’s number because ignoring him—should he ever call again—was more powerful, though riskier. Tomorrow, he’d find a specialist garage to get the car fixed and head home because, as grateful as he was for Kris and Shaunna’s support, this was their house, their life, and he was an outsider to their intimacy, the connection that only came from years of living, breathing, being each other’s existence.

Just like Fergus and I had. It could’ve been different. It could’ve worked, if you—

“Here, look at this, Ade,” Shaunna said, once again scragging him by the scruff and hoisting him out in the nick of time. Ade followed her signed instruction to sit at the table, where she spun a laptop to face him.

“What’s this? Oh! Wow! I see what you mean.” He leaned in and looked more closely at the two images displayed side by side. The one on the left was Kris, perhaps in his mid-twenties; the one on the right was Morten Harket, at the peak of a -h a ’s chart success. The likeness was astonishing.

“Yep. So,” Shaunna tapped the screen, “I think it’s the highlights that make Kris look different now, plus Morten’s quite the hunk these days.”

“Is he?”

“Hell, yes! Definitely been hitting the gym.”

“You like ’em beefy?”

“Do I ever!” Shaunna grinned.

Ade laughed. “It’s amazing, isn’t it? The difference between the ideal in your head and who you end up with?”

“It is. Although I always thought Kris was attractive, even before I knew he was interested in girls, but it wasn’t about his looks. It was…well, nothing specific and then everything all at once—the way you slowly fall for someone without realising it.”

“Yes, I know what you mean. It usually takes me a while to work out how I feel, or how I think I feel, at least.” Ade’s mind drifted again, back to the early days with Fergus—the flirting, the overly romantic gestures, the insistence that Ade join him for dinner or a movie or whatever. But insistence wasn’t romantic, and rejection was not something Fergus accepted well, because that was how he saw it. The gifts stopped, other than when Ferg had been so awful he recognised it for himself, and then he’d come crawling back, simpering and loaded up with wine and chocolates and teddy bears.

“You OK there?” Shaunna asked.

Ade nodded. “I will be. Thank you.”

Shaunna squeezed his hand. “You’re welcome.”

“And are you OK with…” Ade didn’t finish, but she got it.

“Absolutely. I’m just glad he chose someone I like!”

Ade gave her a nod that was both thanks and confirmation that the affection was two-way. “How about you?” he asked. “Found yourself a beefy hunk?”

“Er, no.” Shaunna got up and switched on the kettle.

Oops . “Sorry. That was very forward of me. ”

Shaunna gave him a quick smile, but he’d obviously put her on the spot and she didn’t want to share. He made a very clear shift of attention back to the photos.

“Morten is good-looking, but his eyes don’t have that sparkle. And his chin is quite square—Morten’s, I mean. Kris has more of a heart-shaped face. Not overtly masculine, yet manly at the same time.”

“Uh-huh?”

It took a few seconds for Ade to realise she was watching him, utterly transfixed by the photo of Kris. He blushed and started to laugh. Shaunna joined in. “I think that makes us even,” she said.

“I suppose. I do think Kris is right, though—about it being too much too soon. I was only thinking on Sunday that I needed some time away. I haven’t had a holiday in years because of…everything. It was too expensive, and trying to figure out who would pay for what—well, there’s no point in causing arguments unnecessarily. But then Monday morning, I meet Kris and now I’m here, and…we don’t even know each other.”

“There’s no rush, hun.”

“It’s just that Fer—” Ade rubbed his hands over his face, freezing when he inadvertently brushed the tender spots. “I feel under pressure,” he said from behind his hands.

“From Kris?”

He didn’t answer, but it wasn’t Kris putting pressure on him. It came from within, that long-conditioned instinct he had for picking up on what was left unsaid, even before it was consciously thought. If Ade stayed one step ahead of Fergus, he was safe, or safer.

“Kris won’t push you into doing anything you don’t want to,” Shaunna assured him.

He didn’t respond, until she touched his arm, only lightly, but he hadn’t expected it, and he jumped. She immediately moved her hand away .

“Ade, I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to understand how you’re feeling, but I do know Kris, and in all honesty, I think it will be you doing the pushing. He’s not exactly forthcoming.”

“With sex?”

“With anything. He’s very talkative and not afraid to show his emotions, but the deeper stuff takes a bit of digging to reach—including the sex.”

Ade uncovered his face. “It’s a bit surreal, us talking like this. Don’t get me wrong. It’s wonderful, but…”

“Well, you know, Kris is very high maintenance, which is why I’m so glad to have you on board.” Shaunna gave him a wink.

Ade managed a brief chuckle in response, but joking aside, it continued to bother him. “I’m sorry to go on, but it is definitely over between you, isn’t it? I’m not into husband stealing.” He rolled his eyes. “Listen to me, talking like I have oodles of experience. I’ve had three boyfriends—four if I count Maurice—we exchanged a very fast flash of willies behind the school hall when we were nine.”

Shaunna burst into laughter. “Oh God. I remember doing that with a boy in third year of juniors. I can’t even remember his name, but he started it, and once I’d seen his willy, I told him I couldn’t show him because I had an awful disease and he’d catch it if he saw it.”

“That’s genius. I wish I’d thought of it.”

“Though it was a one-off. In high school, there was no stopping me.”

“Did you have lots of boyfriends?”

“Not boyfriends, no. Only Kris, really.”

“And Krissi’s dad?”

“Biological father,” Shaunna corrected. “Kris is Krissi’s dad. But it was a one-night thing. Not even that much. Kris reckoned we were only in the room about ten minutes.”

“Kris was there?”

“Yep. It was a house party. They were always like that, weren’t they? Loads of cheap cider, everyone completely off their face, and then the heavy petting begins. Except I had to take it to the next level. A few times.” Shaunna grimaced. “A lot of times.”

“Oh!” Ade said, surprised, yet not. Whatever else Fergus was, their sex life had been good. It was how he’d weaselled his way into the apartment the previous Sunday, knowing Ade would relent for a romp between the bedsheets, and Ade hated that he’d agreed to it, prostituting every other aspect of his self for that one small pleasure.

Fergus believed that if they were still having sex, all was well. It was less dangerous—and ultimately paid off—to allow him to keep that delusion. And the sex was incredible, perhaps because it always carried an element of risk. It was rough, loud, energetic—some of what Mary overheard had nothing to do with fighting. It left scratches, bite marks, red hand prints, bruises sometimes, but not the ones on his face and neck. Those came after. Or was it before? Ade couldn’t remember now. Maybe he’d lost consciousness or repressed the memory. Either was a possibility. He’d done both too many times to count.

He’d often wondered if it was just a boundaries thing—that Ferg thought rough in the bedroom extended to the rest of their life together. That was the biggest difference between them: Ade could separate the sex from everything else; Ferg couldn’t, and maybe it was wrong to mislead him. Maybe Ade had no-one to blame but himself, because hadn’t he used Fergus, if he was completely honest? He couldn’t even say he’d tried talking to him about it. What was the point when Ferg had no concept of the problem?

Ade’s thoughts had pulled him so deep into introspection that he only knew Shaunna had spoken to him because she had that look of someone waiting for an answer.

“Sorry. What did you say?”

“Do you want to share?”

Ade wrinkled his nose. “I was thinking about sex with… It . We did OK with that bit. It was everything else that was wrong. Maybe I should’ve told him back at the start. ”

“Told him what?”

“That I wasn’t happy with the way things were. How would he know otherwise?”

“Of course he’d have known. You don’t hurt the person you supposedly love. Not on purpose.”

“He might not have realised he was doing it.”

“Ade, hun.” Shaunna took his hand and held it in both of hers. “It wasn’t up to you to tell him that he was hurting you. He knew what he was doing. This, now, the things you’re saying? It all goes back to him manipulating you to think that he’d done nothing wrong and it was your fault. I know you’ve probably heard it all before, but he’s a scumbag, and you deserve better. Really deserve so much better.”

Ade nodded. Yes, he’d heard it all before, but hearing and believing were not the same.

“Am I good enough for Kris?”

The thought escaped aloud, and now he felt foolish, but Shaunna didn’t let it pass. She tightened her hold on his hand.

“Right now, you need to focus on your own worth, not whether you’re worthy in someone else’s eyes. But I will answer your question. Yes, you are good enough for Kris. You’re right for each other, and I truly believe you could have a brilliant future together, but it won’t be easy. You’ll both have to be so patient and forgiving. You’ve both been hurt horrifically by people you loved and trusted, and the scars will fade, but they might never go away completely.

“And you must, must communicate. That’s the most important part. Talk about how he makes you feel, get him to tell you how he feels. He’s not good at that, and I’ve not been great at it either. That’s probably what finished our marriage—ignoring the splinters. Believe me, they’re much easier to remove before they burrow deep under your skin and poison everything.”