Darkness

21. Cain

Twenty-One

Cain

Cain, I don’t know how to write this letter. I’ve tried nine times already, and it’s difficult. The first thing I want to say is I love you. I love you more than I can ever write in words.

I don’t know when you will get this letter, because I know Travis won’t open it until someone tells him, and I already can bet it will be you. Please don’t hate him for taking so long, because he also lost a sister. All I’m asking, no begging, is that you look out for him, help him when he asks. Nothing else. Please make him part of your family.

The time we’ve spent together has been nothing but wonderful, I can never thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you.

I saw the pain you put yourself through to get even five minutes with me. No matter what, you are always there for me. It’s crazy, but you brought in the color, the hope that I could get away from my dad, and his ways, but I don’t think I ever will.

You always told me you wanted to marry me the moment you saw me, when our moms would get together. A story which always brought a smile to me, because if things had turned out different, God, how things could have been for us.

The dream we always planned, the house, the babies, can’t believe you still want five, but to have five little boys running around the house that remind me of you, I would have five and more. If it meant we would be together forever.

When I go to sleep at night, it’s you I think of. It’s you I dream of. I wish you were next to me to wipe the tears away which are now soaking this letter. Yet, I can’t find the courage to re-write it.

You know your smile is one of the most beautiful ones I’ve ever seen, it holds magic, please never lose it. Once you come out, please smile, the sparkle in your eyes brings me so much happiness, remember that.

When you read this letter, I won’t be here, but I’m never dead in spirit. Until you find happiness with a girl who loves you, I will be there for you. Pushing you to do something you wouldn’t normally do. The faint breeze which hits you, it’s me telling you to go for it.

Please remember Cain, I will always be there, next to you. I’ll be in your heart, loving you like I love you now.

Faith. You always tell me to have faith in you, and I do. I really do. ust know I’m waiting for you.

The reason I’m writing this letter is because I don’t know what dad has planned, he’s acting weird, and I’m scared. Cain, I’m really scared.

I’m scared he will take me away from you before we can even live half the life we’ve planned. I’m scared he will hurt me in ways I'll never be able to recover from.

No matter what happens, please believe me when I say that I’ve always had faith in you. Always.

But now you have to give that faith to someone else, someone who loves you for you, tell them about The Pit, tell them about me, show them under all that hardship you have that you are a man who is hurting, and scared. You deserve to be happy, and live the dream you wanted. You have so much love inside you, and there is so much to love about you. Please let someone in. Be happy.

Please don’t lose faith in love.

Always yours,

Tess.

I haven’t been able to stop staring at the letter, or should I say letters. I’m not even sure how much I’ve drunk since I've been down here. All I know is that however fucked up it feels, this white room bouncing lights around the room, strobe lights are like torture to me. It was the first thing I looked up when I got out of here. What type of fucked up torture is this? Now it’s the only thing which helps my head. I’m not sure if it helps it or makes it worse, but it’s enough for me to feel some sort of peace in my head and my eyes. You live with something for long enough, then it becomes the only thing you know.

Sensory overload, fuck is it overload. Even now I know it will hurt like hell when I leave this room, but I needed to come here. My head was already fucked up, but the dinner made it worse, thinking about Tess made it unbearable.

“Faith.” The word whispers around me.

“Tess, if that’s you, I’ve got your letters.” I always thought it was her around me, but I thought I was going crazy, and wishing she was with me.

“I’m always with you, but now you have someone-”

“She’s not you,” I tell her.

“She loves you, have faith. Always have faith.”

I feel a soft breeze hit my cheek, and then I look at the door when it opens, and the lights stop in the room. I was wondering how long it would take him to get here.

“Get the fuck up, you asshole.” Lincoln kicks my shoe. “I’ve let it go on for two days, but then I get a call saying you haven’t even left this room.” He picks up the empty bottle and shakes his head. “Two fucking bottles, Cain what’s going on?” Lincoln sits down next to me, and I hand him Tess’ letters, but he looks at the last one I opened.

I’ve never hidden anything from him, and I’m not going to start now.

“You thought it was her dad, now you know. But why do I feel like this has nothing to do with Tess? Autumn-Rose came to the club looking for you.” Lincoln hands me the letter back.

Fuck, she must hate me, I left her at my uncle’s house and I’ve not spoken to her for two days.

“She’s worried. And I agree with Tess, you’ve found someone, go talk to her.”

“And what if when I tell her, she runs? It’s a lot to-”

“I have no idea if she’s said it to you, but you can see she loves you. And you can’t fear telling her this fucked up part of your life, Cain.” Lincoln looks around the room, and so do I.

This was my home for a week once, they never let me out for a second. Never turned off the fucking music, nor the lights. Pain, there was so much fucking pain.

“Cain, what’s going on?” Lincoln is worried about me. It’s the same way I worry about him.

“What if I can’t protect her? I couldn’t protect Tess. Look out there, how many targets do I have on my back? How many of them are waiting for me to have a weakness? I have one, what if I’m not there-”

“You were in The Pit when shit went down with Tess, there was no way of protecting her. You’re not here now, you have me, you have your family. People who would protect her if you need them to. You’re not alone, you have to remember that.” I press my palms into my eyes as the pain shoots through them, as I let my mind think of Lincoln's words.

Maybe he’s right, I can protect her now that I'm free. But can I watch her every second of the day, protect her every second of the day?

“She left England because she was looking over her shoulder, what right do I have to make her look over her shoulder again?” I ask, because that's how I feel. I’m making her live in fear again, waiting for someone to hurt her to get to me.

What right do I have to put her in danger?

“And until she doesn’t know the truth, you don’t know. But like I said, you’re not alone. Not just with Autumn-Rose, but in life. Don’t cut everyone out, when they’re fighting to be let in.” Lincoln stands up and stands in front of me. “Autumn-Rose is the best thing that’s happened to you since coming out of The Pit, don’t fuck it up because you’re being a pussy.” He kicks my leg a few times. “Now get up.” I chuckle to myself. I can’t even stand at the moment, never mind walk. “Let’s get you home, cleaned up before you go see her.”

“You want to help me?” I ask him, and he helps me stand so I don’t lose my footing, and gives me a nod. “You’re leaving tonight, I’ll let you know all the details.” Lincoln looks at me, and places both his hands on my face, and gives me a nod.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard night for me, but whichever way it goes with Autumn, I need her to know that no matter what, I would do anything to make her happy.

Autumn-Rose needs to know she means a lot more to me than she thinks.